Think Happy Thoughts

by princesspeach13

Kakashi's thoughts on the people around him kind of a crack fic characters might be OOC, and poking fun at SLASH

2. 2 Sasuke: Killer of Stress Balls

Title: Think Happy Thoughts

Author: princsspeach13

Beta: Princesspepper

A/N: LIKE ZOMG! PEOPLE ACTUALLY REVIEWED! –dies from shock, then comes back to life from the miracle known as fiction- I am soooooo happy you peoples like the ficcy so far. I really just did this as a spur of the moment type thing, but I will continue to write stuff when I get a burst of inspiration (which sometimes happens a year later…well I try) But I will warn people now, I am incredible lazy and an expert procrastinator, so even under pain of death threats I will write/type slow. But do not give up hope, I will update…one day. Actually I think update this quick is a personal record. If ya take a look at Is he worth it? It has over a year. But don't worry I won't ever let this baby get that far behind…I hope. And before I begin I would like to say I love these characters to pieces and all bashing is done for a laugh. So if you are a die hard fan of so and so and I put them in a…interesting light…please don't kill/hate me…believe me when I say its all done for a laugh….oh and before I forget…If I offend I am sorry…that's all I have to say…lets get this baby rolling…

WARNIG! MAJOR OOC-NESS! Just wanted to let you know…

"blahblah" – speech

'blahblah'- thoughts coming from the sexy jounin sensei

Disclaimer: Well do you think I look like a mid twenties Japanese man? If you do, you have issues…

And I also don't own the crocodile hunter…just to let you know

Chapter Two: Sasuke: Killer of Stress Balls

After many nights of bone chilling nightmares involving the horrors of the senior center locker room, Kakashi was ready to face the world again… maybe.

At that moment, he was huddled in a ball on his bed, hugging the light of his life, the Icha Icha Paradise novel, while whimpering like a baby.

'Must be strong… Must forget the pain… My kids need me…Well, I like to annoy them at least. Okay! I'm going out!'

With his new resolve, Kakashi set out into the sunrise to head for the bridge, but he came running back because he only had his boxers on.

After that minor setback, Kakashi set out again, walking extremely slowly through the quiet streets of Konoha so he could get to the bridge an hour late (A/N: Yes I know the real reason of why he is late but come on this is a comedy/parody type thingy, okay?).

'Hey, I think I left too early today. At this rate I'll only be an hour late, and I was going for the record today of being six hours late… Ah well, maybe another day…'

As Kakashi was ambling along, he sensed a familiar presence.

'Hey I sense something very familiar… hmmm… Let's kill time and check it out.'

With that thought, Kakashi started to look around with the Ultra Subtle Scoping the Area Ninja Look©, trying to place where this familiar aura was emanating from.

His eyes roamed the streets till his Shark Sensory Lateral Line Thingies©, which alerted him of movement, twitched.

'My shark senses are tingling. Hey look! It's a rooster! … No wait, it's Sasuke. Wow, not until this moment have I thought of how much his hairstyle makes him look like a rooster.'

As the copy-nin was stalking Sasuke like a lion would stalk an unassuming antelope (or rooster hahahaha okay then)—ahem, I mean, as Kakashi followed his young ward, another thought occurred to him.

'Speaking of people with rooster-like haircuts, the drummer dude from that band… Oh what's their name? ... Oh yeah, Green Day. He has hair that is remarkably similar in style. Hey! Wait a minute! Maybe Sasuke's alter ego is the drummer from Green Day! Cause, come on, they both look like roosters! And he always goes off on his own… Yeah, he goes off to play with his band! Wait… or maybe, the drummer from Green Day's alter ego is Sasuke! Yeah that explains everything… Wait, no; that explains nothing. Hmmmm, I will keep this theory on a back burner for now. But now I'm curious. I will continue to stalk him! …I mean, follow him.'

With that thought, the Jounin sensei stealthily stalked the young antelope—erm, his student, rather, as he made his way down the street.

-----In the background you hear the Crocodile Hunter's voice-----

"Crikey what a beaut! You don't see avenging antelopes like that anymore. But there was that one with the scars on his face, and the purple nail polish; he was a unique beast. Oh look, it's the hunter species known as the Jounin Sensei; he seems to have marked the young animal as his prey! The Jounin Sensei is known for its superior reflexes and intelligent thinking. The young one hasn't got a chance in hell. No wait! Look! The Jounin Sensei has become disoriented from walking into a pole! Now this is the perfect opportunity to get close to this elusive species."

-----Back to Kakashi-----

'Itai, that pole hurt. Well at least Sasuke neither heard nor saw me. He actually should have, after all the torture—erm, training I put them through. I think I'll kick their training up a notch "BAM!" I wonder where he's going?'

While Kakashi was recovering from his forehead-meets-pole experience, a shadowy figure could be seen following him. All of a sudden, the figure made a stunning swan leap and tackled Kakashi to the ground.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL!'

Kakashi threw the offending object off of him and ran as if the hounds of hell were after him.

And any passerby that happened to walk by that street would see an unconscious Australian guy sprawled on the floor, for when Kakashi threw him off, he had been thrown into the same pole that seemed to have a grudge against the Copy-nin.

'Where the hell is this kid taking me? I swear I have walked by this pothole before! This kid is walking around in hexagons—uh, circles. Oh wait, it looks like he has finally stopped. Well now, isn't this interesting?'

Kakashi was now extremely amused. It seems his avenging rooster has stopped in front of a therapist's office.

'Wow, I knew he had issues, but damn, does he really need to go to a shrink? Hehehe, I have the perfect plan to get some blackmail material; this kid won't know what hit him the next time he is smarmy with me, MWAHAHAHAHA!'

As Kakashi was standing outside the Therapist's office, wrapped up in his own thoughts and laughing manically, an old lady who was walking down the street stopped and gave him a weird look, then proceeded to beat the crap out of him with a handbag the size of a small pony.

"Young man, what is the meaning of this despicable behavior? I say, stop laughing like a maniac, and get yourself an appointment with a psychiatrist!" The old lady then stopped to catch her breath then continued her walk down the street.

The unexpected beating managed to wrench Kakashi out of his thoughts.

'Damn, that old biddy hits hard, some Jounin I am for not even sensing her. Maybe she's a retired enemy nin! Yeah that's it! Moving on, she has a point, I do need to go in there, but not for an appointment MWAHAHAHA.'

He immediately stopped laughing when he saw a distinguished young woman walking down the street. He made a beeline for the trashcan a few feet from the door of the therapist's office. He watched the young woman from behind the trashcan, in a non-stalker-like fashion, as she walked closer to his position. When he noticed that the young woman was heading toward the office, his face immediately split into a devious grin. His plan for blackmail was shaping up quite nicely.

When the woman was a few feet from the door, he leaped over the trashcan and tackled her to the ground.

"I am incredibly sorry about this Miss, but this is an opportunity I can not miss." Kakashi then proceed to hypnotize the young woman with his I Swear He Gave Me This Eye Out Of His Own Free Will© Sharingan eye.

"Oh look at the pretty colors…" The young lady said in a very spaced out voice. Seconds later she was unconscious.

"Miss, I promise to make this up to you," said the ever-gallant Kakashi as he placed the woman inside a nearby doorway, and then stole her briefcase

He then made the hand-signs for Henge-no-jutsu to complete his disguise.

'Damn, I can hardly move in this business suit like thing. UGH, this suit is WOOL! I HATE WOOL, it makes me itch in unmentionable places…'

With that lovely thought he/she stepped into the office in search of his young protégé Robin… Errr sorry, wrong fandom…. I mean, Sasuke.

When he/she was inside of the office building he gave it the Ninja Look Around Stealth Look©, which helped him spot the receptionist's desk.

He/she walked toward the desk and asked the secretary sitting there "Um… is my patient here yet?"

He silently prayed that the lady he was disguised as was the shrink and not a patient.

The secretary swiveled on her chair towards him/her and gave him a blinding smile that pinged.

'Damn, is this lady related to Gai, because really the resemblance is uncanny.'

The middle-aged woman did look incredibly like Gai. Right down to the huge bushy eyebrows.

'Must look away, must not stare at huge eyebrows, might get caught in them.'

"Why hello Ms. Yamaguchi! Yes your first appointment is here. He seems like he is in his springtime of youth!" said the secretary enthusiastically. -Ping- went her smile, and out of nowhere there was a sunset and a waterfall.

'Wow, okay then. Well, at least I'm the right person.'

"I'm sorry… uh…" Kakashi looked at her nameplate. "Ms. Brow."

'Damn that name fits too well.'

"It seems that the room number he is in has slipped my mind."

"Uchiha-san is in room three, silly! Like he always is, but that's okay Ms. Yamaguchi, we all have moments! The appointment starts in three minutes so you better get in there; you know how he gets," said Ms. Brow.

"Oh, I know how he gets."

'Stupid little pompous, avenging bastard.'

"Thank you Ms. Brow."

Kakashi then saw that Ms. Brow was getting up out of her seat to give him a hug.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Must run away!'

Kakashi ran for the hills… Erm… Kakashi ran for room three as fast as he could, and made it in time to avoid Ms. Brow's most likely bone-crushing hug.

"Huh, she usually isn't that fast. Oh well, back to paperwork, yeah!" said Ms. Brow. –Ping.-

After making sure that mad woman was done trying to hug him/her, Kakashi purposefully strode towards the door that had a brass three on it.

'Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, let us see what is behind door number three.'

He was totally unprepared for the sight that greeted him after he opened the door. The office he was looking into was covered from floor to ceiling with garish pink and orange wallpaper. What he assumed to be Ms. Yamaguchi's desk was covered with those freaky little troll dolls. There was even a fake blue palm tree in the corner. And, to top off this nightmarish image, the large Psychiatrist's couch that was placed in the center of the room was an unfortunate blinding shade of bright blue velvet, and it was absolutely covered with rhinestones.

'MY EYES, THEY BURN! NO THOSE TROLLS CREEP THE BLEEP OUT OF ME! AHHHHHH GET ME OUT OF HERE!'

Kakashi's mental screaming was cut short by the person who was currently sitting on the nightmarish contraption that is a disgrace to couches everywhere.

"You're three seconds late, Ms. Yamaguchi. After the end of this session, I will file a complaint to your boss," sneered the avenging wonder.

"Why you little… I mean, good morning Uchiha-san, I am terribly sorry, but a black cat crossed my path and I had to make a detour," explained a slightly twitching Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi.

'Must not kill last Uchiha, will not look good on my record, and I really don't need his older brother after me, it will interrupt my quality time with my porn.'

"Oh, stop your excuses; you're just like my good-for-nothing lazy teacher. Well, you're slightly better; at least you don't read porn in front of children. Really bad porn, at that," said the second to last Uchiha with a couple of snaps of his fingers.

'Oh no, he did not just insult my porn! … Uh… I mean, my teaching abilities! Well, I'll show the little brat what I'm made of, and it is not beef!'

"I can't apologize enough Uchiha-san, but let us put all of this behind us and begin our session, shall we?" said Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi in an ultra-sugary voice.

"Fine, have it your way," said the new spokesman for Burger King.

'Huh, what do I do now? Oh look, there are notes in her briefcase about their last sessions, I guess I will start there.'

"Okay, let us begin." Kakashi took his seat on a pink leopard print chair next to the couch monster.

"Okay, it says here from her—I mean, my notes from last time, that you have had some disturbing dreams, Uchiha-san. Care to elaborate on that today?" inquired Ms. Yamaguchi/Kakashi.

'I wonder what juicy blackmail I can get from his dreams. It better be something good for the mental pain I have had to endure because of this room. I think this Yamaguchi needs to visit a shrink as well.'

"Aren't you forgetting something Ms. Yamaguchi?"

'I wonder how much this girl gets paid. I would ask for a lot of money if I had to deal with him. Hey, is he talking to me?'

Kakashi was shaken out of his thoughts by power of the Uchiha Glare Mach Ten© that came from the miniature Orochimaru in the making.

"I WAS TALKING TO YOU MS. YAMAGUCHI!" shouted Sasuke. (A/N: wow I actually used his name that time…)

"Er… what?" was the intelligent response from the supposed genius Kakashi

"May I have my stress ball? Which I ALWAYS get at the start of a session; it's stated in my contract!" Sasuke sneered.

'Uh…what? Stress ball? … Oh look, there's a box in the corner by the palm tree that is labeled Sasuke's stress balls. I guess it must be in there. But why would Sasuke need a stress ball?'

As Kakashi was pondering the mysteries of the universe, Sasuke was getting frustrated with the lack of response from his shrink… Or total lack of movement from the prone woman.

"HELLO! I'm talking to you! I NEED my stress ball!" yelled Sasuke to the now slightly cowering Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi.

"Uh… Sure, hold on a second Uchiha-san."

'I think that kid needs anger management. Hey that's a great idea! I remember Anko telling me about the program she goes to that is run by Morino Ibiki… it's perfect! And since Anko is also part of the group, they both can rant and rave about the horrors of the Snake Princess—um, I mean Orochimaru. MWAHAHAHAHA!'

As Kakashi was cackling in his mind he went to go get Sasuke his "precious" stress ball. When he opened the box he was rendered speechless.

'What the hell!'

Inside the box was a whole bunch of stress balls that were shaped like Itachi's head.

'My God, I think my brain just melted and died. I knew he had issues with his brother, but damn, this is just messed up. I wonder if they come in any other style? I mean, no! This is just totally wrong!'

"HELLO! DON'T JUST STAND THERE GIVE ME MY STRESS BALL!" roared the Prissy Princess.

"Here you go Uchiha-san." Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi said in a strangled voice, offering the pissy avenger his Itachi-shaped stress ball.

"Finally! Okay now we can continue," spat Sasuke.

"Uh… right. Now lets begin with… your feelings about… Aha, I've got it! Your brother!" yelled Kakashi triumphantly as he saved his ass.

"…I … WANT … TO… RIP… HIM… INTO… LITTLE… TINY… PIECES… AND… STUFF… THEM… INTO… A… FOOD… PROCESSOR…" hissed Sasuke as he ripped apart his Itachi stress ball with such force that the pieces were flung everywhere.

"…Uh… okay then. How about we talk about something else instead, okay? Oh I know! We can talk about these disturbing recurring dreams you've been having," said Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi.

'Wow, this kid has anger issues. We better not let him near a voodoo doll. Who knows what he might do to people? Moving on, these dreams better be good. I need compensation for my emotional trauma.'

…Silence…

"Okay Uchiha-san, you can start talking now," said Kakashi while rolling his eyes.

"Shouldn't you ask me a question?" asked Sasuke while popping his gum and twirling his hair.

'MUST QUELL URGE TO KILL!'

"Fine. Tell me what happens in the dreams," Kakashi grumbled.

"Fine. My dreams lately have either involved subduing Itachi with a piece of raw spaghetti and then dressing him up as Alice in Wonderland, or they have been about pink bunnies forcing me to tap dance. I am paying you big bucks, so tell me what they mean and how I can stop them." Spat the Snake molester's latest boy toy as he tore apart a new victim… another Itachi stress ball.

'Christ's Pajamas! This kid is messed up in the head. Those are some crack dreams; I wonder what he's smoking. But this gives me great blackmail material. I think I will pocket one of these stress ball thingies for later use, and to maybe practice my voodoo on Itachi. DIE ITACH DIE MWAHAHAHA… Hmmm… Now what to do about this dream business. Well, I'll just bullshit it like everything else I do.'

"Well, the subduing Itachi with the raw spaghetti represents… Uh… your need to have control over your life. You have to subdue the part of your life that is causing the rest of your life to spin out of control. Either that, or you really don't like Italian food. The Alice in Wonderland business… means… that… Oh, I've got it… You want him to feel an equal amount of pain and torment that you felt when he went psycho on you. Or you get perverse pleasure out of dressing him up as a little girl. Or to take it further, your inner child is screaming to come out since it has been repressed so many years ago from your traumatic experience… maybe. Or you could have had some food poisoning. Now for this… bunny business. Uh… deep down, you really want to tap dance! The bunnies are your subconscious telling you to blow off your ice bitch-like ways and embrace the ways of the dancer! They are telling you to be yourself! Embrace it! And the only way to stop these dreams is to take up tap dancing and to buy your sensei a porno!" screamed Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi enthusiastically.

Sasuke: o.O

"I once heard a village rumor that Itachi once tried tap dancing lessons and he couldn't do it," said Kakashi/Ms. Yamaguchi in a conspiratorial whisper.

"I see the wisdom in your… plan Ms. Yamaguchi. I will enroll in lessons right away. AND THEN I CAN FINALLY BEAT HIM AT SOMETHING! MWAHAHAHA!" Sasuke said while laughing manically and ripping apart Stress Ball the Third.

'Hahahaha. Am I good or what? And if he does take lessons, I will go and take pictures to use as further blackmail material. Oh God, can you imagine it? Sasuke would be in the beginner class, so that means he would be dancing with little girls! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Sasuke stared at his shrink while she laughed manically with a crazy glint in her eyes. Even Ms. Brow came and had a look to see what all the ruckus was about. And when she saw her friend in a fit of "youthful happiness" she was beside herself with joy that her friend was taking part in the springtime of youth.

"OH MS. YAMAGUCHI, I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU ARE PARTAKING IN SUCH A YOUTHFULL ACTIVITY!" screamed Ms. Brow.

Kakashi/Ms.Yamaguchi finally snapped out of his/her crazy fit in time to see Ms. Brow running towards him to give him a "hug."

"Mother, remember I love you, and please give my porno collection to Naruto, as he is turning out to be a fine pervert," he squeaked, as he was too slow to escape Ms. Brow and was caught up in a bone-crushing hug.

Sasuke was caught up in the youthfulness and joined Ms. Brow in giving Ms. Yamaguchi a hug.

'Dear Gott in Himmel! The apocalypse is coming! Sasuke is hugging me! GET ME OUT OF HERE!'

Kakashi finally remembered he was a Jounin level ninja and he poof-no-jutsu'ed out of there.

"Hey! Where did Ms. Yamaguchi go?" said Sasuke and Ms. Brow.

Sasuke then said "HEY! MY SESSION WASN'T OVER! I AM SOOOOO TELLING YOUR BOSS ABOUT THIS! You are soooo fired, like oh em gee!" said Valley girl Sasuke.

Even though he managed to escape a sticky situation, Kakashi's luck was just not with him today.

'Oh God… Out of the frying pan and into the fire… I think I am going to be scarred for life. No amount of blackmail will take away this vision. Sasuke is going to die after I burn my retinas.'

He poof-no jutsu'ed himself into one of the large hot spring pools. A pool that happened to be filled with senior citizen women.

Chapter Two End

means Dear god in heaven in german, JAH!

A/N: Wow. I am incredibly sorry that it took this long to get this chapter out. I typed about half of it the week after chap. one came out but then I hit a brick wall…figuratively. I hoped you liked this chappie and remember boys and girls review or walk the plank! I have an idea for Chapter three, but it has not been typed out yet. It will come….someday. And I would like to thank you people for reading this far.

LOVE AND PEACE Vash the Stampede Peace Sign

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