Kyle Katarn: The Rise & Fall
Book 1: Rise of a Hero
Part 2
Chapter 9: Wounded Warrior
A/N: Whew! Things were looking very, very bad for Kyle last time. But once again, the irrepressible Jan Ors showed up to save the day. But Mara got away, and has vowed revenge. After a quick space battle, everything should have been fine. But it isn't. What will happen next? I'm glad you asked.
New Hope Hangar Bay
Puan could see that The Moldy Crow had acquired a few new dents and laser burns. Amazing how that ship manages to keep flying, he thought, as it settled onto the deck, giving only the slightest bounce as the repulsor wound down.
The cockpit opened and the pair climbed out. While he was still learning about human customs, Puan could sense something was wrong. The two humans' body language was… wrong. They were looking everywhere but at each other as they stepped down to the deck.
Emerging from his office, the Quarren strode over, raising a flippered hand in greeting. "I see you managed to find someone to shoot at you again."
"Hey, Puan," Kyle offered.
The Quarren noticed bruises on the man's face, dried blood on his lip.
"You've been hurt."
Touching the cut on his lip, Kyle rubbed at the dried blood until it flaked away. "It's nothing. I managed to tick off a few stormtroopers."
"Kyle, Mon Mothma is waiting."
The small smile the man disappeared, replaced by an expression of annoyance as he turned to the woman. No words were exchanged, but Puan noticed Jan's face changed into the same annoyed look.
"Sorry, Puan. I gotta go. See you later."
"Okay."
The Quarren watched as first the woman, then the man walked across the hangar and through the doors. The man was maintaining a distance from the woman. Wonder what Kyle did this time that Jan's angry with him, he wondered. Giving a shake of his tentacled face, Puan returned to his work.
The doors to the briefing room opened as first Jan, and then a moment later, Kyle entered. Mon Mothma crossed the room towards them.
"I am very glad to see you both back safe." She extended a hand towards Kyle. When he reached out his own, she encircled it with both of hers.
"I am especially relieved to have you back, Kyle. When we discovered Blaze's deception, I feared we had lost you."
"It was a near thing. But Blaze wasn't the only problem I faced. I…"
She held up a hand to stop him. "Before we begin debriefing, do you need to stop by Sickbay? I can see you've been hurt."
Shaking his head, Kyle said, "I'll be okay. Some cuts and bruises, but nothing's broken, this time. I'll stop by Sickbay as soon as we're done here. But I do have one request."
"Yes?"
"You mind if I change out of this?" He indicated the stormtrooper armor.
"Are you having a problem?"
"Well, yes, but it's kind of embarrassing."
"Kyle," the older woman said, "I've been around long enough that there's very little that I find embarrassing."
"Well, it's just that," he said uncomfortably, "I'm chafing like a bear inside this thing."
Mon Mothma's lip twitched, years of self-control kicking to suppress the laugh that threatened to bubble up. Next to Kyle, Jan folded her arms over her chest and glared at him.
"Well," the Rebel leader said, "I can certainly understand if the armor is causing you 'discomfort'. I suggest that we adjourn for thirty minutes. Kyle, why don't you stop by Sickbay and have Dr. Berth examine you.
"Thank you, Mon Mothma."
He started to turn away. But then, with a snap of his fingers, he turned back.
"I almost forgot. There's something you should see before I go."
Mon Mothma gave him a quizzical look as Kyle opened the equipment pouch on his belt, extracting the data tapes and handing them to Mon Mothma.
Her eyes lit up, smile coming to her as she realized what he had handed her. "Are they..?"
"Completely decoded and ready for review," Kyle said, a small smile coming to his face.
For a moment, Mon Mothma found herself at a loss for words. Given Blaze's betrayal, she hadn't expected that Kyle would be able to accomplish his mission.
"Kyle," she said, pausing again before saying, "well done. I will take this to Intelligence and have them begin reviewing the information immediately."
"Thanks, Mon Mothma, I'll see you in thirty."
The two agents began walking towards the doors. Just as the doors opened, she overhead Jan say, "You didn't tell me you had the data tapes."
"Sorry, with everything going on, I guess I kinda forgot."
"Forgot? Forgot? Katarn, there are times that I think you'd forget your head if it wasn't attached."
His retort was lost as the doors closed.
Mon Mothma shook her head. If those two ever stopped arguing long enough to talk to each other, they might have a nice relationship. Sighing, she gathered the data tapes and left the room, headed for the Intelligence section. She had quite a surprise to spring on them.
Thirty Minutes Later
They were gathered back in the briefing room, a freshly showered and clothed Kyle Katarn feeling worlds better physically. But emotionally… he and Jan had fought all the way to Sickbay, stopping only long enough for Dr. Berth to perform a perfunctory examination, finding several contusions and cuts. These he treated, without bacta to Kyle's considerable relief, then pronounced the young man able to return to duty.
"But try and take it easy for the next 24 hours, let your body heal itself some more," the doctor had said as they left.
"Let's go, Katarn," Jan said, "Mon Mothma's waiting."
He glared at her, about to tell say that despite what she may think, he did know how to tell time and didn't need to be reminded that they were due back soon. But as he opened his mouth to speak, Kyle felt a tremor in his right arm. He looked down to see the bicep muscle moving under the skin. No, not just moving, it was pulsating, almost jumping inside. His arm began to shake slightly, then his hand.
He stared at it for a moment, transfixed. That's not right, he thought. In his mind, he said, that's enough. Stop it. The trembling continued a moment more then dissipated, leaving his arm and hand normal once again. What was going on? This had never happened before. He didn't know why, but it scared him.
"Katarn?"
He looked up, realized he was standing in the middle of the corridor, staring at his arm. He quickly dropped it to his side.
"Something wrong?"
He didn't know if he should tell her or not. It was probably nothing. He shook his head.
"Then, let's go."
He followed.
Mon Mothma had been waiting for them, a rare smile on her face. "Intelligence is still going over the data tapes, but things look promising. They have already deciphered several locations that the Arc Hammer has already been to, including Talay. The chief tells me another two or three hours and they will know the ship's current position as well as where it's going next."
"That's great news," Jan said, her smile matching Mon Mothma's.
Kyle smiled too, but it was a grim one. "Good, the sooner we find General Mohc, the better. I'm going to pin that slime to the wall."
Ignoring his words, Mon Mothma said, "If you feel ready, Kyle, I would like to have you report on what happened on Coruscant."
His eyes, which had gazing somewhere, turned to her. "Definitely. After departing from the New Hope…"
It took nearly an hour as the story moved from Kyle to Jan, and back again. Mon Mothma's eyes went wide as Kyle told her of his encounter with Boba Fett.
"That strange voice was there again," he said, "it told me to fake surrendering, then to use the Dark Trooper weapon I found to defeat Fett."
He went on to describe the "fight" between the two voices and then, how Blaze/Jade had stepped into the picture. Kyle made sure to relate how she had been able to manipulate his body.
"It was very strange, Mon Mothma. Jade referred to it as power given to her by the Emperor."
Mon Mothma nodded. She had a good idea what the power was Jade had used, but decided to wait on explaining it to Jan and Kyle.
"She was about to finish the job when the Moldy Crow appeared out of nowhere. Jan tried to get to me, but Blaze yanked me somehow, I guess with that power of hers and nearly knocked me out. I'm not sure what happened next." He nodded to Jan.
"I confronted Blaze and when she attempted to shoot Kyle, I pointed the laser sight at her eyes."
"You did what?" Kyle exclaimed.
"I had to keep her from shooting you," she said defensively, "and the laser did blind her."
"Why didn't you fire?" he asked.
"What?"
"Why didn't you fire? If Blaze was blinded, you should have been able to blast her."
"I wasn't going to take that chance. If I had shot her, her hands would have clenched reflexively, and that would have been it for you."
Mon Mothma was about to speak, but Kyle jumped in. "Wait a minute. If Jade were blinded, her first reaction would have been to cover her eyes. The blaster would have been pointed away from me."
Jan was silent for a moment, then remembered what had happened next. "That's true, except that just as I was about to fire, something hit me. Jade must have used her powers on me as well. I remember hitting up against the hull of the Crow. She must have escaped during that time."
A glance at Kyle showed he wasn't buying it. But why? She had no reason to lie.
"All right," Mon Mothma said loudly, "that's enough. We can assign blame later. The important thing is that Jade didn't kill either of you. Now, what happened after you discovered she had escaped, Jan?"
"I conducted a perimeter sweep of the landing pad, looking for Jade, but she was nowhere to be found."
"Did you check under the pad?" Kyle asked.
She turned to face him. "No I didn't. I was more…"
"Jade had to come from somewhere. She probably had a vehicle hidden under the pad."
"You don't know that for sure, Kyle," Mon Mothma interjected.
"It's the only possible explanation."
"Perhaps. But for now, it's beside the point. Continue, Jan."
"After finishing my sweep and finding no trace of Jade, I checked on Kyle. As you can see, he got hurt and I was preparing to get the Crow's medkit when an alarm sounded."
Jan went on to describe their escape from Coruscant. When she finished, the room fell silent as Mon Mothma digested the information.
"It is becoming clear to me that the Empire regards Kyle as a significant threat. To send both a double agent and a bounty hunter to destroy him… I haven't seen such tactics since the Empire launched its campaign to exterminate the Jedi."
"But he's only one man," Jan said, "what threat could he possibly represent?"
"Oh, thanks a lot, Jan," Kyle replied.
"I'm serious, Katarn. Beyond being an ex-Imperial, why should the Empire be so concerned with you, and commit so many resources to try and eliminate you?"
"More than likely, it has to do with the missions he's been on," Mon Mothma ventured, "Stealing the Death Star plans, rescuing General Madine, destruction of the Anteevy Base, bringing news of the Dark Trooper project. Kyle's reputation has no doubt reached the ears of the Emperor himself."
"Maybe," Jan said thoughtfully, "I've just got a feeling there's more to it than that."
"Oh great," Kyle said, throwing his hands up, "here we go with the feelings again."
Jan started to retort, but Mon Mothma held up a hand up, asking her to wait.
"Kyle, I think it's time you told us what's wrong. You've been insubordinate since the briefing began, if not downright rude. Explain yourself."
The older woman could see that her words had the intended effect. Kyle was itching to say something, and now she had given him the opportunity. He pushed back from his chair, standing up.
"You wanna know what's wrong? I'll tell you. I'm tired, Mon Mothma. I'm tired of the Empire; I'm tired of the Rebellion. I'm tired of going on missions and risking my life."
He paused for a moment. But when neither woman said anything, he plowed on.
"I'm tired of being shot at, smacked around and nearly ending up dead. I should have died today, would have except for Jan's timely intervention. I wish I had never had gotten involved in any of this."
"But you did get involved, Kyle. There's more to this than what you've said. And I think I know what it is. Blaze."
Snapping his fingers, he pointed a finger directly at the Rebel leader. "That's it. That's it exactly. Blaze, or Jade, whoever in the nine hells of Corellia she is. She betrayed me, betrayed us. And I never saw it, never saw her for what she was!"
"We were all fooled by her, Kyle," Mon Mothma said, "even me."
"You don't get it," he said, "I was an Imperial, one of the best, at the top of my class. I trained in infiltration tactics and I know all the techniques, methods and language. I should have seen from the beginning that Blaze wasn't who she said she was. All the clues were there."
"You're seeing this from hindsight," the older woman said, "there's no way you could have known."
"Oh yes there was," Kyle said, "yes there was. But I got fooled by a pretty face and ignored everything my training was telling me. And it nearly got me killed, not to mention what damage she did while here. I should have known."
"I did try to tell you that I had a bad feeling about her," Jan said.
Instead of helping, her words seemed to only make him angrier. "Warn me? Exactly how did you warn me, Jan? All you said to me the one time was that you thought something was wrong with her. But you didn't tell me you had any feeling, didn't give me any kind of details that would have lead me to suspect Blaze was anything more than she said she was."
"Because you wouldn't listen," she shot back.
"Listen? Listen to what? Every time Blaze was around, you were all attitude, no explanations, no warnings, no nothing. You gave me nothing to work with, Jan!"
Jan shot to her feet. No way was she going to listen to any more of this. Kyle was way, way out of line.
"Okay, Katarn, you've had your say. Now you listen to me."
For a moment, it looked like he was going to say something else, but with a quick "Fine," he waited for her to speak, still on his feet, hands clenched.
"I tried to tell you numerous times that I had suspicions about Blaze, but you wouldn't listen. Every time I tried to talk to you about her, you passed it off as more of my 'attitude'. I'm not saying that I had anything concrete on her, but I felt something was wrong from the moment we first her. But you, you were so sure she was just another agent, you were all too eager to add her to our group and trust her completely. So, if you're looking to place blame on me, look somewhere else."
He sat down heavily, the truth of her words impacting him.
"And just so you know, I gave Blaze a chance. When you were injured on Nar Shaddaa, she and I completed that mission by ourselves. I had even begun to trust her a little after she helped us escape Jabba's ship. Besides, Kyle, we're supposed to be partners. Partners listen to each other. They don't just dismiss each other, and that's what you did to me."
She could her words hitting him, knew they were causing him pain. But at the moment, she didn't care.
"And as long as we're on the subject of not telling each other everything, why don't you explain to Mon Mothma about your 'warning message?'"
The room feel silent as Mon Mothma turned to gaze at Kyle.
"Warning message?" she asked.
"Oh yes," Jan said, "the Imperials had been calling for us to power down as soon as we lifted off. Naturally, I ignored their transmissions. Then, just as we were clearing Coruscant's atmosphere, big mouth over there sends a message in the clear."
"What? What did he say?"
"He said, I quote, 'tell General Mohc his little trap didn't work.' He was in the middle of telling the Imperials that he was going to come after Mohc when I cut the transmission."
"I see."
"And as far as what happened on Coruscant goes, had Kyle not been so gung ho to go after Blaze in the first place, I would have been able to go with him and this whole thing would have turned out differently. Frankly, I'm tired of his attitude. He won't listen, he never listens. He takes unnecessary risks, putting both himself and me in danger. I…"
"Jan," Mon Mothma said, cutting her off.
"What?"
The Rebel leader motioned with her head. Jan turned to look at Kyle, eyes going wide. Kyle was leaning forward over the table, hands clasped in front of him. He was shaking. It took her a moment to realize it wasn't just his hands; his whole body was shaking. A sheen of sweat covered his forehead and she could see the shine of tears in his eyes, his cheeks flushed scarlet red.
The anger she had felt a moment ago had fled, and in its place, she felt guilt. Jan realized she had gone too far. Kyle had had a bounty hunter try to eliminate and then learned someone he had trusted had betrayed him. It was only natural that he was so angry and upset. He had lashed out without thinking. And she had responded in kind, lashing out at him, hurting him back. She was hurting him on purpose.
Silenced reigned until in a small, trembling voice, eyes blinking back tears, Kyle said, "Mon Mothma, may I be excused?"
"Of course, Kyle."
The women watched in silence as he stood slowly, walking stiff-legged to the door. Jan didn't know what to do. Should she go after him or let him deal with this on his own?
When the doors had closed, Mon Mothma turned a severe gaze on her. "Proud of yourself?"
Normally, Jan would have taken offense at such a remark. But at the moment, the words struck like a physical blow. It took a moment for her to say, "No."
"Good," Mon Mothma said, her voice softening a little, "I should hope not."
"What's wrong with him?" Jan asked, "He's been like this since we left Coruscant."
"It is something I have been concerned about for a long time," the Rebel leader said. "Frankly, I'm surprised it's taken this long to happen."
"What?" Jan pressed, "What is it?"
"I believe Kyle is suffering from battle fatigue."
"Battle fatigue?"
"It is a condition I have seen develop in soldiers before, both Rebel and Imperial. Think for a moment what Kyle has endured in these past months, Jan. First, he learned the truth about the Empire and the role it played in his father's death. He was forced to question everything he had known and believed for eighteen years. Factor in the stress he has endured on each of his missions, including Bastro's death. And then, just yesterday, he had to face Boba Fett and learned that Blaze was a traitor. You can see that Kyle has had to endure not only physical pain, but mental and emotional difficulties well beyond any wound he has ever suffered."
Jan was silent. She hadn't realized that he had been through so much. Her focus had been on day-to-day events. Kyle had seemed so strong to her, able to endlessly adapt, handle anything that came his way. She hadn't stopped to consider what it had been doing to him. And their arguments had only added to it. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling even worse about what she had said to him just a few moments ago.
"Will he be all right?"
Shrugging, Mon Mothma said, "I don't know. With proper counseling, soldiers can learn to adapt and function despite the effects of battle fatigue. Some are eventually able to return to normal duty."
"What about those who can't adapt?"
The Rebel leader sighed. Jan could see she didn't want to discuss this. "For them, things only get worse. They become irritable, getting angry at the slightest provocation. Nightmares are common as well. Others become sensitive to loud noises, thinking they are under attack. They…" She trailed off, looking away.
Jan felt cold inside. The idea that Kyle was suffering from this right now and it could get worse. Visions of what he might become flashed across her mind.
Seeing her expression, Mon Mothma was quick to offer comfort. "This does not mean Kyle is going to get worse, Jan."
"But it's a possibility."
"A small possibility," the older woman corrected, "but yes."
"Is there anything we can do to help him?"
"I am going to talk to Dr. Berth about getting a counselor to talk to him. We will also need to monitor him in case he does anything irrational."
"Irrational? What do you mean by that?"
"I have a duty to protect this ship and everyone aboard, Jan, including Kyle. If he does get worse, I have to make sure he does not try to do something foolish, like commandeer a ship and go off on some kind of one mad crusade against the Empire."
"He'd never do that," Jan said quickly.
"Are you sure? You heard him when I revealed that we would soon have the location of the Arc Hammer. He is already fixated on personally exacting revenge on General Mohc. In that state, I would not put stealing a ship beyond him."
"I just can't believe that…"
"Jan, Kyle is not in his right mind at this moment. All he can see is the battles of the past, what happened to Bastro, his encounter with Boba Fett and Blaze's betrayal. He is already blaming himself for everything that went wrong, believing he should have seen it coming and somehow prevented it. And he wants revenge."
"He won't do it. I won't let him. I can talk to him"
Mon Mothma shook her head firmly. "The last thing you need to do is argue with him any further, Jan. You saw what happened in here, did you not?"
A fresh wave of guilt hit her as the memory surfaced. She could see him sitting there, shaking from head to toe. "Yes," she said, nodding.
"Then do not provoke Kyle any further by trying to convince him that you know what is best for him. It will not help and will likely end up backfiring.
"There's gotta be something I can do."
Mon Mothma was about to say there wasn't when Jan held up a hand. She motioned for the young woman to continue.
"I just want to do something, something to help him. I… I… he's my friend, Mon Mothma. If by word or deed, I can help Kyle, I want to do it."
The Rebel leader started to shake her head again.
"Please."
Mon Mothma looked at Jan, her gaze boring into the other woman's eyes. In them, she saw guilt and hurt, and a need to relieve both. Jan's expression was one of earnestness, a sincere desire to help.
"Why are you so concerned, Jan? Is there something between the two of you? Is that why you want to do this? I can see you feel guilty, but I don't understand why."
"We're just friends," Jan said adamantly, "That's all. There's no relationship or anything like that between us."
"Then why?"
Jan wanted to explain, but the words came with difficulty. "I… it's just that…."
She took a deep breath, started again. "When you explained what Kyle has been through… I…. I really had no idea. We've been so focused on the next mission, and on making sure Kyle survived, I didn't realize it was affecting him in other ways. And I…" She trailed off.
"Go on," Mon Mothma prompted.
"You know Kyle and I haven't always been on the best of terms. I'm not saying I was wrong the times I've argued with him, but if I had known it would do this to him, maybe… maybe I could have… have backed off just a little."
"True," Mon Mothma replied, "and I'm glad to hear you say it. But I still don't see why I should let you talk to him when it might only serve to upset him further."
Jan looked down for a moment. She's not making this easy. But if I want to see him…
Taking a deep breath, Jan got ready to tell what she had never told anyone before.
"I told you Kyle's my friend. He's also my partner. We've learned to rely on each other, trust each other implicitly. And…. I guess I've gotten used to having him around. Kyle's been there to help me, even when I didn't ask. I owe it to him to help him now."
"Still…" Mon Mothma began.
"All right!" Jan exploded. "Fine. I'm worried about him, okay? I don't want him to succumb to this blasted fatigue and I don't want to see him turn into some kind of head case that's jumping at shadows or dealing with nightmares the rest of his life. I worry about him every time we go on a mission. When he leaves the cockpit, I wonder if it's the last time I'm gonna see him. I….
Mon Mothma put up a hand.
"Then don't keep sitting here and telling me this. Go to Kyle and tell him what you just told me. That is what he needs right now, to know that he is not alone, and that there are people who care about him. Dismissed.
Jan stared in openmouthed shock. Had she heard that correctly?
"Is there a problem, Jan? I believe I said, 'dismissed'"
A wide smile replaced the look of shock. Standing up fast, Jan turned and walked briskly to the doors.
Mon Mothma watched her go, thinking I only hope Kyle will listen to her. Otherwise, we probably will lose him, for good.
Knowing that running would look undignified, Jan nevertheless maintained a fast walk to Kyle's quarters. She was rehearsing in her mind what she'd say to him.
She keyed the door chime.
There was no answer.
She keyed it again
Still no answer.
She leaned on the button with one hand, knocking with the other.
The speaker crackled. "All right, all right, already, let up on the chime, will ya? I'm coming.
She complied, dropping her hands to her sides.
"Who is it?"
His voice was almost unrecognizable. Low, almost guttural.
Knowing that he probably wouldn't open the door for her, Jan tried speaking in Twi'leki. She attempted to say, "Room service?"
There was a pause, then, "Excuse me?"
She repeated the words again.
"Look, I don't who you are or what your problem is, but I don't like your tone. I think you'd better leave."
What did I say? Jan thought, reviewing the words in her mind. They seemed okay to her.
Shaking her head, she keyed the chime again. Evidently, subterfuge wasn't going to work, so maybe the direct approach would.
"Yes?" came Kyle's voice, a trace of annoyance in it.
"Room service," she said in her normal voice.
"You must have the wrong room," he replied, "I didn't order any… Wait a minute! Jan?"
"So you've figured me out," she said, expecting him to laugh. He didn't.
"Very funny, Jan," he said, his tone indicating he thought the exact opposite, "Not exactly your best, but funny."
"Thank you. Can I come in? I'd like to talk to you."
"No," he said with finality, "you can't. We 'talked' enough and I'm tired of listening to you and arguing with you. Go away."
"Sorry, Kyle. I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Let me in and I'll tell you."
"Tell me and maybe I'll let you in," he returned.
"You know me better than that, Kyle."
"Maybe. But I'm still not letting you in."
"Please, I've really come to talk, not to fight."
"Maybe you are. But lately, every conversation we have turns into a fight. And I don't feel like listening to any more of it. Now, go away."
"I'm not leaving, Kyle. Not until you let me in and we talk."
"Go away!" he shouted.
"No," she answered softly.
"Go away or I'm going to call Security," he threatened.
She smiled. "Fine, go right ahead. And when they get here, you can explain to them why you're not allowing me entry. I imagine it will be a most interesting conversation, especially when they report in to Mon Mothma."
"You wouldn't."
"Try me."
There was a long pause, then, "Blasted stubborn woman. Fine, come on in."
The door slid open and she stepped in. It took her eyes a moment to adjust. Kyle had lowered the lights to half intensity. Her foot caught up against something. She looked down, seeing the base of a table. Looking up, she fought not to react at the scene before here.
His quarters were a mess. Furniture was scattered all over, a chair lying haphazardly on the floor. The cushions from the small couch had been tossed to the floor as well. His bedclothes lay in a tousled heap at the foot of the bed. And there on the bed sat Kyle. He was staring at her.
His eyes were red rimmed from crying and he gazed at her with a suspicious expression. On the floor between his feet she noticed an open bottle, and it wasn't juri juice.
"You haven't been…?"
He shook his head. "Got this from Caston after the Anteevy mission. We've been having a staring contest and so far, it's been pretty equal. But I think the bottle is beginning to win. I'm getting tired of just looking at it."
"Can I sit?"
"Depends on what you want."
"Like I said outside, I just want to talk."
"Talk about what, Jan? I thought we talked about everything already. Everything's my fault, right?"
"You know better than that, Kyle."
"Do I? Do I really? Because lately, it seems that I can't do anything without ticking you off. According to you, I'm wrong about everything."
"Not everything."
"Oh, not everything?" He continued in a sarcastic tone. "Well, that makes it all better, doesn't it? Gee, how I did not see it before? It's a good thing you came by, Jan. I guess you can leave now."
"No, I can't. Not until we talk, really talk.
"And again I ask, talk about what?"
"About you. About what's bothering you."
"What's bothering me at this moment is you, Jan. So why don't you accept that and leave?"
"No."
He stood up, took a step towards, his hands clenching into fists. He was almost nose-to-nose with her.
"You don't get it, do you Ors? I…. don't…. want... to... talk… to… you. Do you understand me? Now get out!"
She put her head down.
This oughta do it, he thought. Maybe now she'll finally leave. I just can't face her right now. Not like I am. She needs to go.
But, to his surprise, Jan's face rose, her eyes gazing into his. Her expression was one of… understanding? She extended a hand, placing it flat against his chest. He could feel the softness of her skin, the warmth of her touch.
"I know why you're lashing out at me, Kyle, and I probably deserve some of it. But no matter what you say, I can't leave. I won't."
"I can still call Security," he tried to say seriously. But her face, the touch of her hand, he could feel his resolve beginning to weaken.
"And as I said before, go right ahead. But I don't think you will."
"Oh? What makes you so sure?"
"Because I think some part of you believes me. Some part of you wants to talk."
"I…"
"Kyle, we've been partners for a while now. But more than that, we're friends. And as you told me more than once, friends help each other. Please, let me help."
She saw his face begin to crumble. He tried to maintain the stoic expression, but it was no use. Jan felt his chest began to tremble as Kyle threw an arm across his eyes as the tears came. His knees buckled and he sat down heavily on the bed. He began to sob, his chest heaving mightily as his breath came in hitches. Jan sat down next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. She thought she should say something, but no words would come.
After a few minutes, Kyle spoke. "Blast it, Jan. You're right. I do want to talk. It's just that after everything I said to you in the briefing room and then what you said to me…" He trailed off.
"We both said things we shouldn't have, Kyle. And for my part, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too. It's just that after yesterday, what with Boba Fett and finding out Blaze was a traitor, it was just so much to deal with."
"You should be proud, Kyle. You faced off against the galaxy's best bounty hunter and beat him. And as far as…"
He suddenly reared up, knocking her hand away. He turned to face her, his face a mixture of anger and pain.
"You don't understand. You weren't there. You didn't see what I did."
"Tell me."
"I didn't just beat Boba Fett. I almost murdered him. After the voice helped to use the Dark Trooper weapon to knock Fett to the ground, I couldn't stop shooting at him. I just kept blasting and blasting."
"You had to make sure he was incapacitated."
"No, this was more than that, Jan. I was enjoying it. The feel of the weapon in my hands: the way it fired, watching Fett's body jerk with each hit. I heard him scream; saw that my shots were penetrating his armor. And I still kept firing. I was smiling, Jan, actually smiling."
"You didn't…"
He shook his head. "No. Something stopped here. It was…. Jan, it was another voice, different from the first one. I've heard them before, but not like this. They were actually arguing with each other. One demanded that I be allowed to continue, the other refused. The next thing I knew, I couldn't move. My finger slipped off the trigger and I stopped shooting Fett. Jan, it was so close. Had I fired one more time, I would have killed him. I could… feel it."
"But you didn't do it, Kyle. You stopped before it was too late.
"No, Jan, you're not hearing me. The voice, whatever it was, stopped me. On my own, I would have kept firing and killed Fett, no doubt about it. I can remember the voice said if I had killed Fett, I would have become him. I didn't understand it at first. But I think I do now."
"Kyle, you're talking crazy. I know you well enough to know you couldn't kill in cold blood. It just isn't in you."
"Maybe that was true once, Jan. But now, I'm not so sure. It's like, at that moment, something came to life inside me. Something wrong. Something… dark." He thumped his chest with his palm. "I can feel it… in here."
"Kyle…"
"I feel such helpless anger, Jan. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, it doesn't matter. People I care about either get killed or turn out to be traitors."
"Kyle, you don't have to…"
"Yes, I do, Jan," he said with an edge of anger in his voice, "yes I do. I should have listened to you in the first place. You knew something was wrong with Blaze from the get go, and it took what happened on Coruscant before I saw what was right in front of me."
"She fooled all of us, Kyle, not just you."
"Maybe. I don't…" Fresh tears came, and it took a moment before he could speak again. "I'm so sorry, Jan. I…. I didn't mean those things I said to you. I was just so angry. Boba Fett's attack and then Blaze's betrayal. It was just too much to take."
"I know, Kyle. You've had to endure a lot."
"And I'm just so blasted tired. I don't even feel like fighting anymore. I'm sick of the whole thing. And yet, were he here, I'd think I could snap General Mohc's neck like a twig for what he's done to me, to us, to the Rebellion."
He reached out a shaking hand, which she took, holding it firmly. She tried to respond, but he rushed on.
"Jan, please forgive me for what I said to you. I... I can't pretend I didn't say it. But, I was just so upset and angry, it was easier to lash out than to talk."
"I know."
"I was such a bastard, Jan. I don't how you can stand to be in the same room with me."
"Don't forget stupid, foul-mouthed and idiotic."
Despite the pain, despite all the anguish he felt, a smile came to his face. "No fair, Ors. You're not supposed to make me smile."
"Sorry, I just couldn't help myself."
He sniffled, wiped an arm across his eyes.
"Look, you… you… you should go. I'm really not in a good place right now and I don't want to say or do anything else to hurt you, okay?
He dropped his head back down: shut his eyes. Jan said nothing, but he heard her stand up. Good, she'll leave now. Maybe I can start to deal with this
"Kyle?"
He heard her call his name. She was right in front of him. But he couldn't raise his head to face her. He feared what he'd see in her eyes and what he wouldn't.
There was a light touch on his face, a gentle but firm grip on his chin. He had no strength to fight her. With infinite care, Jan lifted his face to hers. Her eyes were open and gazing into his. He saw no condemnation, anger or hurt in them, only acceptance and forgiveness. He managed a small smile.
Jan smiled back, her eyes drifting closed as her face moved closer to his. Kyle felt the touch of her lips on his, realized she was kissing him.
It felt as if an electric current had sliced through him from head to toe. He was transfixed; eyes open as he remained still, letting her kiss him, feeling the delicate pressure of Jan's lips.
The ache in his heart began to lessen, the nightmare visions becoming less clear until he couldn't see them any more. All that he had endured, the truth of the Empire, Bastro's death, Blaze's betrayal, it all faded away, lost in the singular pleasure of feeling Jan kiss him.
She increased the pressure slightly, which only accentuated the pleasure. Kyle felt her hand release his chin, her hands moving across his face until she held it in her hands. His own eyes drifted closed. He lost himself in that incredible moment.