Redemption

Chapter 4

Golden Gate Park was a great place to take your dog for a walk. It was a popular haunt of many a San Franciscan. Jonathan and Porthos strolled along to their favourite area — The Strybing Arboretum, a 55 acre area of the park with many different plant species growing. It was a warm day so they took the Redwood trail that was nice and shady because of the tall redwood trees.

Porthos seemed very eager today, practically straining at his leash. Jonathan wished he had his pet's boundless energy. He felt tired and groggy; he was still suffering from his hangover. It was a bright, fresh morning so he still hoped getting some outdoor activity might help his headache.

He hadn't been able to stop thinking about T'Pol since leaving the apartment. He still didn't know why she hadn't gone to Vulcan. And where was she staying? He doubted she was welcome at the Vulcan compound after resigning her commission.

He wished she hadn't just disappeared on him like that, but he blamed himself. If he'd been a better host — kinder and less snappish, maybe she'd had stayed. He was still utterly confused by all that had gone on between them.

He wasn't proud of his own recent behaviour starting with his outburst in the conference room, getting drunk at the 602 and forcing himself on her in such a manner. Though from what she'd said he hadn't hurt her. Despite that, it didn't sit right with him.

But what did these days? What recent action of his didn't plague his conscience? If only there was a way in which he could redeem himself — make it up to someone. He'd even considered asking Forrest if he could temporarily captain Columbia and take her back into the Expanse to find the Illyrian ship and return their warp coil. A day didn't go by when he didn't think of the Illyrians and the crime he'd committed. It wasn't something he was going to forget…ever.

It weighed heavily on him. Maybe that's why he'd practically blown up at Soval yesterday, because the Ambassador had suggested he might not have done all within his power to save the sick Vulcans on the Seleya.

He didn't feel any guilt when it came to the Seleya — oh he felt bad that the Vulcans couldn't be saved, but he'd based his decision to destroy the ship on Phlox's medical findings. He wasn't a miracle worker, and there was nothing he or anyone else could have done for the Vulcans.

The case with the Illyrians was completely different. He'd purposely crippled and abandoned them to serve his own purposes. He couldn't just pick up from where he'd left off before the Expanse and the Xindi. He was changed…forever. The happy-go-lucky explorer didn't exist anymore. And if he was going to live with himself, he had to make some kind of amends when it came to the Illyrians.

But Forrest wasn't exactly on speaking terms with him. He'd told him to take some time off and clear his head. Clear my head? How exactly was that done? Where did he go for absolution?

Porthos tugged at his leash, anxious to get around the next corner and irritated at the unusual slowness of his master. Suddenly the leash Jonathan held in his fingers went limp — Porthos was free and had run off, the leash having snapped.

"Damn!" he muttered under his breath and forced himself to go run after his dog. As he turned the corner he inadvertently bumped into a young couple engaged in kissing.

"Sorry," he muttered.

They looked rather embarrassed; having thought this was a private secluded area of the park.

"I'm sorry to bother you," Jonathan continued," but have you seen a beagle running past in this direction?"

"I'm afraid we wouldn't have noticed," confessed the young man.

"Of course. Again I apologize."

Jonathan left the young couple and continued walking. Where the hell was Porthos? He called to him several times but couldn't see any sign of him along this path. Of course he'd been cooped up on Enterprise for so long, it didn't surprise him that his dog had so much stored up energy.

He strolled along the pathway, knowing that it lead to a clearing and a lake. As he got closer he could hear splashing. Shielding the sun from his eyes with his hand, he could see Porthos swimming around in the lake with a stick in his mouth.

He called to him but the canine seemed to be having too much fun to heed the order. Jonathan acknowledged that he'd have to wait until the pup wore himself out. He sat down on the grass at the water's edge and looked on as his beagle doggy paddled around the lake merrily.

Porthos' life seemed so simple and uncomplicated: eat, sleep and exercise — nothing more and nothing less. No complicated decisions to make, no life and death situations to deal with, and a master who took care of your every wish, including feeding you cheese every now and then against your physician's advice.

Jonathan almost wished he could swap with his dog right now. He was tired of life. The responsibilities, the decisions and the consequences he had to deal with weighed heavily on him.

He remembered the young couple he'd bumped into. They reminded him of Maggie and himself. They'd spent many a Saturday afternoon at Golden Gate Park. She'd loved it here — they'd walked and talked for hours, his arm around her waist, her head leaning on his shoulder. Life had been good then.

But he'd been a raw, innocent, inexperienced cadet at the time. He'd fallen madly in love and had been practically inseparable from her in his off-hours. He'd been one hundred percent sure that she'd felt the same; that's why he'd been certain of an affirmative answer when he'd proposed.

Memories of Maggie made him feel terribly lonely again — just like he'd felt yesterday in the conference center before T'Pol had turned up. Why had she kissed him? He thought he knew her well, it wasn't like her to toy with another person's feelings or experiment.

I care about you too much to just let you be alone and wallow in your own misery. It doesn't have to be this way.

He recalled her words. Well just which way could it be? She'd been right about one thing; he was miserable and he was drowning in it.

For the few seconds she'd been in his arms, her mouth on his — the misery had vanished and been replaced by a wonderful warmth, a sense of being wanted and cared for. But he hadn't allowed the feeling to germinate, and killed it before it took root. He couldn't afford to believe that T'Pol had feelings for him. He wouldn't allow himself to be that vulnerable…to allow himself further pain.

Relationships for him had always ended in some kind of pain. It had taken months to get over Maggie, but thinking back over it, he'd never really got over her rejection and it had seemed to cast a shadow over all his other relationships. It was as if he'd entered them knowing that at some point the girl would leave him or break it off.

When he'd discovered that he was in love with T'Pol, he'd decided he'd never tell her. No point testing fate. He was of the opinion that she'd never return his feelings, even before they'd entered the Expanse. She was a Vulcan after all.

Yet last night she'd told him she cared too much to let him be alone. What did that mean? And what had she tried to tell him this morning? And what if he hadn't been drunk last night?

No, he wasn't going to torture himself with these questions. It was much safer to just assume she cared as a friend and nothing more. That way he wasn't opening himself up to further hurt.

A very wet Porthos jumped into his lap, dropping the stick on the ground beside his master, and drenching him as he shook off the excess water on his coat.

"Oh thanks, boy."

Jonathan stood up to survey the damage. His sweatshirt was damp as were his jeans. As soon as the clothes dried he'd smell of algae and pond water. Ugh.

"Had a good swim then?"

Porthos barked and wagged his tail with happiness. Jonathan squatted down to survey the damage to Porthos' leash — the collar was still intact with half the leash attached.

"I hope you've worn yourself out cause now I'm keeping you on a short leash and we are going home."

Porthos merrily accompanied his master home, having spent most of his energy on his walk and then his swim.

Jonathan hauled Porthos into the bathtub when they got home, to wash the lake smell off the dog. He rubbed him down with a towel, fed him and let him loose in the apartment.

He then attended to himself and changed into some clean clothes.

Lunchtime rolled around and he felt peckish. Opening the fridge door and surveying the contents he noted that he really needed to go to the store and get some groceries. He didn't have the motivation to go at the moment, it would probably entail bumping into people, being recognized and he wasn't in the mood for all that hoopla.

Instead, he ordered a pizza that arrived twenty minutes later. He took some painkillers with his meal. Despite being out in the fresh air, his head was still troubling him.

After lunch he wasn't sure what to do being unaccustomed to having so much spare time on his hands. Around this time of day he was usually in his Ready Room reading the duty roster or crew reports.

It was gonna take at least two months for Enterprise's repairs to be complete — what was he supposed to do in the meantime? And how long was he off duty for? Forrest had been angry with him yesterday and hadn't specified how much time he should take off to "clear his head".

He could go on vacation: perhaps Oahu for a touch of body surfing or maybe to Tibet to revisit some temples. Australia wasn't a bad idea either — a spot of snorkelling off the Great Barrier Reef might be just the ticket.

He sighed; he didn't feel like doing any of those things. Was he suffering from depression? Maybe.

His comm beeped and he answered. It was Phlox inviting him to have dinner. He'd wanted to check up on him and didn't know if the captain was out of town or not. He invited him to Madame Chang's for 8pm. Jonathan knew the doctor wouldn't take no for an answer so reluctantly agreed.

Over the next hour he attempted to read a current best seller but couldn't concentrate and kept reading the same sentences over and over. Tired of that, he turned on his widescreen plasma TV to see if there was anything that piqued his interest.

To his dismay after flicking through a few channels he came across a news report about himself and Enterprise. Again he was hailed as the conquering hero who'd single handily saved the planet.

"Yeah, but at what cost! Does anyone ever mention that?" he shouted at the screen. He turned it off and threw the remote at it in frustration.

Feeling sick of everything for the time being he sauntered over to his bedroom, closed the door, pulled the curtains across the window and climbed into bed. He just wanted to shut the world out.

Doctor Phlox was concerned about his commanding officer. He'd received a call from Admiral Forrest late last night. The call had been brief and to the point. He'd told the doctor a little about the captain's behaviour and asked if Phlox would be willing to meet with him the next morning.

The doctor had acquiesced and turned up at Starfleet HQ at 1000 hours. Forrest had explained that he was concerned about Archer — the captain didn't seem himself and wondered if the doctor could shed some light on the matter.

Phlox explained that Captain Archer had been under a great deal of stress in the Expanse, and had been forced into making decisions that obviously didn't sit well with his conscience. Phlox hypothesized that the captain might be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

"I told him he was off-duty and that he needed to clear his head. Think that'll do any good?"

"Admiral, I'm not sure. I'd need to assess him. It might be a simple case of lack of sleep and too much stress."

"I'd hoped he might take some time off, perhaps go on vacation or something, but I checked with the doorman to his apartment building earlier, and he informed me that Archer had spent the night there."

"He could be planning to go somewhere today?"

"Hmm…perhaps," Maxwell mused. "Doctor, I know you're officially off-duty yourself, but could I ask a favour?"

"I'd only be too happy to oblige." Phlox gave Forrest his trademark Cheshire cat grin.

"Could you keep an eye on Jonathan? Maybe even counsel him off the record or suggest he talk to someone."

Phlox had told him he would. After all he was rather fond of the captain.

It was 7pm and the doctor thought it a good idea to remind the captain of their dinner appointment. He'd seemed a little out of sorts when he'd called earlier to invite him and Phlox was certain the captain had only agreed to meet him out of politeness.

He tried the line to the captain's apartment but there was no reply. It could be that Archer had left earlier and would just meet him at the restaurant. Not wanting to give up so easily, he tried for a second time.

This time he got a response. A sleepy Jonathan Archer answered his comm.

"Yes?"

"Ah, Captain. Just wanted to remind you of our dinner date tonight."

"Tonight?"

"Yes I called you earlier…don't you recall?"

"Oh yeah…that's right. I'll be there…9pm."

"Captain, I made reservations for 8pm."

"You did?"

Phlox could tell from the captain's appearance on the viewscreen that all was not well. He looked tired and as if he'd just got out of bed. Yet it was 7 o'clock in the evening. Why would the captain have been sleeping?

"Would you like me to change them?" Phlox inquired.

"No…it's okay. I'll be there. 8pm at Madame Chang's."

"Good, I look forward to it. Phlox out."

Jonathan stifled a yawn and opened his wardrobe to pick out an outfit for this dinner. He didn't really want to go, but now that Phlox had reminded him and woken him up, he guessed he should make an appearance.

He must have fallen asleep for several hours so assumed he'd been genuinely tired. Or it could be his body's way of making up for his lack of sleep in the Expanse. He'd spent many sleepless nights sitting in the Command Center with only a cup of coffee for company.

Madame Chang's had a smart casual dress code so a pair of blank pants and a smart shirt would do fine.

He entered the restaurant on time and found Phlox already seated, munching on a starter.

"Captain, so glad you could make it."

Jonathan pulled out a chair and joined him at the table.

At the sound of the term captain a few heads had turned to see who this captain was. Within a minute two young girls approached Jonathan and asked if they could have a picture taken with him.

They couldn't have been more than 12 or 13 years old with long black hair tied back in a pigtail. They looked alike so he guessed they were sisters. Both of them were bubbling over with excitement at meeting the famous captain. He obliged their request and tried to put on a smile, which immediately vanished the moment they left his table.

"You couldn't pick a more conspicuous table, could you, Doc?" he asked Phlox.

"The fame bothers you, doesn't it?"

Jonathan didn't reply but Phlox could tell from his expression that he wasn't comfortable with being the planet's hero.

The waitress came over and handed him a menu. He noticed she didn't give one to Phlox. "You ordered already?"

"Oh I don't need a menu, Hoshi already instructed me on what to order."

"Oh right."

He perused the menu and told the server he'd have the lemon chicken with egg fried rice.

"So why did you want to see me tonight, Phlox?"

"Do I need a reason to invite my captain to dinner?"

"No. I guess I'm feeling a tad suspicious. Admiral Forrest didn't contact you by any chance did he?"

Phlox couldn't lie and confirmed that he had.

"Figures," Jonathan muttered under his breath.

"I believed him to be a family friend as well as your commanding officer, Captain. Why do you resent his concern?"

"Are we going to have dinner, Phlox, or a therapy session?" Archer asked with irritation.

"Dinner, of course. But if there's anything you need to get off your chest, well you know I do have a degree in psychiatry."

Jonathan didn't want to dignify that with a verbal response; he merely rolled his eyes.

Phlox understood that the direct approach wasn't working so changed the subject for the time being. "Besides I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather enjoy a delicious Chinese meal with."

"Not Hoshi?"

"Hoshi went to Japan to spend some time with her family and took Ensign Mayweather with her."

"Good for her." Jonathan thought how nice it would be to have some family to visit. Someday he should look up those distant cousins in upstate New York.

"Good evening Captain, Doctor." Jonathan was surprised to hear Trip Tucker's voice but when he looked up from the table he was less than surprised to see T'Pol accompanying his chief engineer.

"I thought you were in the Cayman Islands," he stated.

"Would you believe it, Cap'n? I arrived and discovered I'd left my luggage here. So I took a shuttlepod back here this morning and I'm returning in the morning. Trying to convince T'Pol to go with me. She's not going back to Vulcan for another two weeks, I think she might enjoy a bit of R&R on a tropical beach. What do you think?"

Jonathan shot T'Pol a glance. He hoped she was feeling as uncomfortable as she looked. So much for accusing her of things she hadn't done. Her and Trip looked just peachy together!

"I think T'Pol should do what she wants." Jonathan returned in a monotone voice.

"Well we better get to our table. Nice seeing you Cap'n, Doctor."

"Enjoy your meal," Phlox replied.

Trip and T'Pol walked off together in the direction of their table, when Trip suddenly returned. "Listen, I was just thinkin', after dinner why don't we all go for a drink?"

After last night's experience that was the last thing Jonathan wanted to do, and he sure wasn't gonna sit around and make small talk with Trip and T'Pol. "I'll bow out if you don't mind, but I'm sure the doctor would like to join you."

"I would as a matter of fact."

"Great Doc! We'll miss you, Cap'n. You sure you can't make it, sir?"

Jonathan nodded.

"Okay, better be off. Enjoy your meal!"

The service was very fast and within a few minutes of Trip and T'Pol leaving, their meals were served. Both of them tucked in and didn't converse for several minutes. Jonathan noted that he was actually hungry and the lemon chicken was delicious.

"Any reason you didn't want to come out with us later?" Phlox enquired.

"Not feeling very sociable and I'm tired."

"Captain, have you considered that your experiences in the Expanse may have had a greater effect on you than you realize?"

"I thought you said this was gonna be a friendly dinner, not a psycho-analysis?"

"As your friend and physician, I feel it's my duty to ask you this."

Phlox acknowledged his captain didn't want to hear this, but he felt he'd be lax in his duty as a physician if he didn't address this topic at least once tonight. His first attempt had fallen on deaf ears, and he'd hoped that Archer might be more receptive on a fuller stomach.

"Doc, I really don't want to talk about it."

"Then would you be willing to talk to someone else about it, maybe a professional?"

Jonathan put his fork and knife down, sighing. "Ah, now we get to it. That's what all this is about. You tricked me into having dinner with you just so that you could talk me into seeing some shrink."

"I'm concerned for your well-being."

"Seems everyone is these days," Jonathan answered sarcastically. "You, Forrest, and T'Pol — God, I just wish you'd all leave me alone."

Phlox remained silent, mulling over the captain's words. He'd mentioned T'Pol. Had she gone to see him? Was that the reason he didn't want to have a drink with her and Trip later tonight?

"I'm curious Captain, do you have your own remedy?"

"Remedy for what?"

"For how you are feeling. Admiral Forrest told me what happened in the debriefing."

"Seems like he's telling everyone these days. Why doesn't he just publish it in the local newspaper! Starfleet captain loses his temper at debriefing — I'm sure that'd make a dandy headline. So much for Starfleet debriefings being classified."

"He didn't go into specifics, he just told me you were upset."

"And do you know why?" Feeling defensive Jonathan raised his voice.

"No, like I said he didn't go into specifics." Phlox could tell he'd touched a raw nerve and suggested they order dessert to try to calm the situation.

"I don't want any dessert."

"Oh come on Captain, let me order you something…I'll ask the waitress for the dessert menu."

"No…I'm not in the mood. I'm sorry Phlox, I'm lousy company."

"Nonsense, Captain. If I thought that I wouldn't have invited you."

"Well it looks as if you invited me to fulfil some kind of medical obligation."

Jonathan sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He took a sip of water. He needed a drink now — something to calm his unsteady nerves. He never used to fly off the handle like this, he could hardly believe he's raised his voice to Phlox like that.

"Captain—"

"No, Phlox, listen. I'm sorry. I know you and Forrest both mean well and have my best interests at heart…I just think I need some time alone and I'll be okay."

Phlox nodded and decided not to pursue the subject any further…at least for the time being. But he knew the captain was lying. Getting him to talk about his feelings was like pulling teeth. He recalled the time he'd questioned him about the last time he'd been intimate with a woman. Archer had vehemently stated that Porthos was the only patient in Sickbay that night.

"As you wish, Captain."

The rest of the meal was spent engaging in casual chit chat. Phlox shared the few ideas he had for spending his free time before Enterprise was back in service. Jonathan nodded and added a comment here and there when required. After dinner, he had two shots of whiskey that seemed to mellow him out a little.

Jonathan didn't feel it would be right to just leave Phlox on his own, so hung around until Trip and T'Pol had finished their meal and joined him.

"You've been quiet all evening, T'Pol. I thought you'd enjoy it here. What's up?" Trip enquired.

"I'm fine," she lied. She seemed to be getting into a habit of that and didn't like it. She'd been completely taken aback at the sight of Jonathan and the doctor in the restaurant.

After leaving Jonathan's apartment this morning she'd gone for a walk in an attempt to sort things out in her head. She'd felt ashamed for just having left the captain like that, without any explanations. When she returned to her hotel she'd made up her mind to contact him inviting him to dinner, maybe to his favourite restaurant or something. She'd come clean at dinner and explain to him how she felt, and also apologize for just disappearing like that this morning.

If he didn't feel the same way, then that would be that. But at least she would have explained her behaviour and how she felt.

But her plan hadn't worked out that way. Upon returning to the hotel she'd found Commander Tucker waiting for her. He'd explained the predicament about his luggage and how he'd had to return. He told her that he was staying at the same hotel as her tonight.

He'd asked her if she had any plans. She'd replied that she was hoping to meet a friend, so he asked her for a rain check. She tried to contact the captain at his apartment several times but to no avail; there was no reply. Disheartened, she'd sought Trip out, and told him if he still needed a dinner partner, she'd accompany him. She thought an evening with him might just get her mind off Jonathan for a few hours.

So she'd been shocked to see Jonathan and Phlox together. And knowing the captain, she could just imagine what was going through his mind. She hadn't even had a chance to deny his accusations about her relationship with Trip. Her having dinner with him, alone, would only convince Archer further that there was something going on between them.

She nibbled at her vegetarian rice dish.

"You sure don't seem fine," Trip noted. "Should have seen your face when we bumped into Phlox and the cap'n, it was like all the color drained from it. Is it the cap'n? Is that's what's bothering ya?"

"Nothing's bothering me. I apologize if I'm not very good company."

"I can go tell him right now that there's nothing between us, that it's just a dinner between friends. Don't worry, this won't affect your application to Starfleet. Besides, crewmembers socialize with each other all the time — it's no big deal."

"I'm not worried."

Trip gave up and started yapping on about the Caymans, the pristine beaches, the crystal clear waters and how T'Pol should come with him. "You'd have a great time, I promise."

"I don't really feel up to a vacation at the present time. But I appreciate the offer."

"Suit yourself then. But you don't know what yer missing."

They finished their meal, paid the check and approached Phlox and Archer. T'Pol decided the best course of action was not to say anything. Whatever Jonathan thought of her…well she couldn't reverse that thinking…not in a public place at least.

"Change your mind, Cap'n?" Trip asked Archer.

"Er…no, just keeping Phlox company till you arrived. I'll be heading off now."

Jonathan thanked the doctor for dinner and his company, and politely uttered goodbyes to Trip and T'Pol.

He decided to walk back home. In a way he was glad the way things had worked out tonight. Any notions he'd had about T'Pol caring about him in a certain way had now been erased. It was obvious Trip was the man of her choice. Whatever she'd been trying to tell him this morning…well it wasn't that she loved him.

He got home, kicked off his shoes and slouched on the sofa for a while watching some old movie. When that finished, he shut off the television and got ready for bed. The apartment was so silent; he missed the familiar hum of the warp engines. He also missed the proximity of the crew. Here in his apartment building he was completely alone. One was never really alone on a starship.

At times like this he wondered if he'd have been happier if he had listened to Maggie. He could have taken a desk job at Starfleet and she'd have married him. By now he could have been the proud father of two or three kids. And he wouldn't have to go to bed alone. It would be nice to curl up with a warm feminine body at night. A woman who loved him and cared for him, and could soothe all his troubles away.

God, he was becoming a sentimental fool! He crawled into bed and turned out the lights, hoping for a dreamless sleep.

TBC