Redemption

Chapter 6

T'Pol studied her surroundings. So this was the famous Spacedock Cafeteria she'd heard Tucker and Archer mention many times on Enterprise. It was a modern day American cafeteria style diner. It was obvious that it was a popular choice amongst Starfleet personnel — as she scanned the room she noticed that more than half the diner's occupants were in Starfleet uniforms. This was probably the reason Jonathan had chosen to come here; he wouldn't get bombarded with requests for autographs every few minutes.

"You said you weren't hungry," she commented as his breakfast was served. It was more than Tucker had ordered earlier back at the hotel.

"Our conversation gave me an appetite I guess."

"Oh."

Jonathan tucked into his food with eagerness, washing it down with plenty of coffee. Within the space of two minutes he'd downed a whole mug and was asking the waitress for a refill. "You want anything to drink, T'Pol?"

"No, thank you."

"Okay, suit yourself." He continued to eat. Several moments passed without either of them saying anything. Jonathan concentrated on his breakfast, while T'Pol studied the other occupants of the diner watching the waitresses scurry back and forth with their orders.

"Why didn't you go to Vulcan straight after the welcoming ceremony?" Jonathan asked her, breaking the silence between them. "Before we disembarked Enterprise, you said you were leaving straight away."

"I changed my mind and informed my mother I would arrive two weeks later."

"What changed your mind?"

"I had hoped to spend the time with a friend."

"This friend got a name or you being cryptic on purpose? Or should I not be so nosy?""Jonathan, if I'd said I'd hoped to spend the time with you, would you have believed me?"

She had a point there. And he'd been out of sorts again with her earlier. He didn't wish to treat her rudely or get irritable, it just seemed to happen. Hmm…Phlox could have a point — professional counselling might be what he needed. Since coming back to Earth he just hadn't felt himself. The guilt had been eating away at him; and the loneliness…

Yet here was T'Pol telling him she cared about him and wanted to spend time with him, so why wasn't he wasn't willing to take her up on the offer? Any other time he'd have jumped at the chance. Was it that he was feeling just a tad too vulnerable to risk getting hurt?

"No, I guess not," he answered, taking a swig of his coffee. "Look, I've been lousy company of late. I wasn't very courteous to you this morning. My fuse seems to be so short of late, and I snap at anything or become sarcastic. You don't deserve that. You and I were close before the Expanse. And somehow it all fell apart…and I'm willing to take the blame for that."

"We can be close again, can we not?"

"I don't know." He played with his coffee mug as if he was nervous. He glanced around the room envying the guys in uniform who had clean consciences and just wanted to be explorers…like he had once.

"That guy…the one who went with you to capture Menos, who challenged the Vulcan doctors, who witnessed the dark nebula with you…I don't know what happened to him. He's not around anymore."

"I believe he is." She reached across the table and placed her hand over his. She was surprised when he didn't pull it away.

"Do you, T'Pol? He wouldn't have done what I did. He wouldn't have committed piracy, stranding innocent people in space."

Ah, so finally she knew what the problem was — The Illyrians. That's what was torturing him. She'd been completely against his decision to begin with, even losing her temper in his Ready Room at the mere suggestion of committing such an act. But then he'd had both hands tied behind his back — what could he have done? What would she have done in his place if Vulcan had been under the threat of annihilation?

"I should have gone back," she stated.

"What do you mean, T'Pol?"

"Instead of letting the Aquatic ship take us back to Earth, I should have searched for the Illyrians."

"Even if you had found them and returned their engine back, you'd have been in the Expanse.""I could have asked the Xindi Humanoids and Aquatics for their help. So you see, you're not the only one who feels guilty."

"You were against my decision from the moment you heard it."

"Yes…but you were correct when you said you had no choice. We might not be sitting here right now if you hadn't made that decision."

"Maybe…but where does one draw the line? I think I lost sight of it when I was out there." Not only lost sight of the line, but he felt like he'd lost his soul. He remembered when the Osaarian had taunted him about his morality: that it would get in his way. It seemed his words were now proving true.

"The fact that you feel remorse over these actions proves to me that you never lost sight of any line," T'Pol argued.

Jonathan finished his breakfast in silence, thinking over what T'Pol had just said. How did he move on from all these feelings though? He couldn't just forgive himself.

"Wanna go for a walk?" he asked.

"Yes. What did you have in mind?"

"How about the Golden Gate?"

"The bridge?"

"Yup — it's a fun walk, trust me."

"Very well, but I need to return to my hotel room and get some suitable walking shoes."

"Okay, I'll drive you over."

"You have a car?" she asked. They'd walked from his apartment to the diner.

"Yeah…an electric SUV. Bought it about 7 years ago when I got the apartment. Haven't used it much but it's convenient for when I'm in San Francisco. You don't always want to have to use a shuttlepod to cover short distances."

Jonathan paid the bill. They exited the cafeteria, walking back to his apartment. He told T'Pol to wait by the garage while he went upstairs to change into a sweatshirt, jeans and running shoes.

He opened the door for her and she stepped inside his car. From the look of it, it resembled the vehicle they'd stolen in Detroit when Daniels had sent them back in time to thwart the Xindi Reptilians.

He jumped into the driver's seat and asked her where she was staying. It was only a few blocks away but it would save time if they drove. And the bridge was several miles from his apartment so taking the car had been a good idea.

"So Starfleet's footing the bill for the hotel?" he enquired.

"Yes, a lot of Enterprise's crew are staying there."

He pulled up outside the entrance and told her he'd wait. She sprinted into the building and up two flights of stairs to her room. Since she was on the 2nd floor she didn't need the use of the elevator. She changed into the only pair of jeans she possessed — the ones the quartermaster had made for her trip to Detroit. She slipped on a casual black top and then tied up her walking shoes.

"That was quick," Jonathan commented as she jumped back into the car. He shifted into drive and pulled away. "I thought we'd drive across the bridge first, then park up at the scenic overlook — you can have a good look at the whole bridge from that vantage point. It's a great view. Then we can walk the length of the bridge, if you still want to."

"That sounds agreeable."

As they drove across Jonathan was reminded once more of his first journey across the Golden Gate with his father. Maybe that's why he'd brought T'Pol here, because the bridge held a sentimental value to him and he wanted to share that with her.

He took the first exit off the highway where the bridge ended, following the sign to the scenic overlook. He drove up a large winding hill to the parking lot. They exited the car and together went to look out onto the horizon.

Jonathan had been right; it was a magnificent view of the Golden Gate and all of San Francisco. The red bridge against the navy waters of the Pacific Ocean with the rest of the city as a backdrop was very scenic. She understood why this place attracted a lot of visitors.

"Thank you for bringing me here."

"You're welcome, T'Pol."

They walked together towards the edge of the hill to get a closer view, taking a short cut across a patch of grass. It had rained in the night, and the ground was still a little water logged. A section of the grass was rather muddy and as T'Pol traversed it she slipped and would have landed face first if Jonathan, who'd been walking by her side, had not caught her in his arms before she fell. "Careful there, I've got you."

She'd straightened up but his arms remained around her shoulders. "The short cut wasn't such a good idea after all. We'll stick to the path on the way back."

"Yes," she agreed.

Their eyes locked and for a moment T'Pol thought he might kiss her, he was looking so intently at her. Their lips were only inches apart…all either of them had to do was bridge the gap.

She was disappointed when he released her. "The trail down to the bridge starts here," he pointed. "You ready to start?"

"Yes," she replied. "How far to the other side?"

"The bridge length is 1.7 miles so with the trail, I'd say we have a 2 mile walk ahead of us, 4 miles in total." That didn't seem very far to her.

The descent down to the freeway level was rather steep. Jonathan offered his hand to help her from slipping. She didn't really need it; she'd walked much steeper hills back on Vulcan, but accepted anyway. She enjoyed the feel of his hand intertwined with her own.

For the first time in two days she was beginning to think that there was a chance for them to be together. Since opening up to her in the cafeteria he'd been so different — far more pleasant.

Phlox had been right. She'd been right — he did need to talk about his feelings. She could completely understand the guilt he was feeling about the Illyrians. It would have concerned her if he didn't feel any remorse on the matter. But she hated to see it plague him so. There had to be some solution to this problem so he'd finally forgive himself for the deed and move on with his life.

When they reached the bottom of the hill he let her hand go and took a swig from his water bottle. Then he noticed she didn't have one and asked her why.

"Vulcans don't need as much water as humans do. This is a very short walk, I doubt I'll be thirsty. I've certainly consumed enough liquids this morning to keep hydrated."

"Okay, well if you want a sip, just let me know. I've got more than enough water."

"Thank you."

They didn't talk much as they hiked across the bridge. It was rather noisy with the traffic roaring by and the powerful wind that blew their hair in all directions. She watched as other joggers sifted past them.

At the mid-point they stopped to watch a ship sail underneath them. It was a large cargo ship full of containers probably bound for Asia. It cleared the bridge with only two or three feet to spare.

Leaning over the edge, she looked to her right to see the waves crashing against the rocks. Straight in front of her she saw nothing but miles and miles of ocean stretching as far as the eye could see. The Pacific was the largest stretch of water on this planet.

Jonathan asked if she was ready to continue and she answered in the affirmative. Having lived in Sausalito before joining the crew of Enterprise, she wondered why she'd never walked the bridge before. But then these kinds of activities had never been encouraged at the Vulcan compound.

When they reached the end of the bridge, they turned around to survey the area they'd walked. T'Pol felt a little chilled from the strong winds, her top was thin and wasn't very insulating.

Jonathan noticed she seemed to be shivering. "We could go to the tea room in the Japanese Gardens at Golden Gate Park. They have a variety of blends, I'm sure one that would suit your tastes and the hot drink might warm you up a bit."

If he'd worn something under his sweatshirt he would have taken that off and offered it to her. He thought about putting his arm around her and her warming herself from his body heat, but didn't feel it would be appropriate.

"Yes, that's a good idea. Is this tea room far?"

"Nope, not more than a five minute walk."

As soon as they entered the building, a blend of different aromas wafted through their noses — smells of spices and herbal teas. T'Pol was glad to be somewhere where she could warm up a little.

They sat down at an empty table. "You're probably hungry," Jonathan noted. "You didn't eat a thing at the Spacedock Cafeteria. You did have breakfast today, didn't you?"

"I had some fruit at the hotel this morning."

"What time was that?"

"7:30am."

"It's 1pm now. You must be famished."

"I'm a little hungry. Is there anything here you'd recommend?"

"Let's have a look," he answered and studied the menu.

"You could ask for the house salad without any dressings, with some naan bread," he suggested.

"That sounds appetising." She looked at the description of the house salad. It contained crisp iceberg lettuce leaves with peppers, cucumbers, tomato, celery, cucumber, raw broccoli and onions. Yes, she liked the sound of that.

The waitress came over and Jonathan ordered the salad for her and a turkey wrap for himself with a bag of chips.

"Anything to drink?" the waitress asked.

"I'll have English Breakfast Tea," Jonathan ordered and waited for T'Pol to say which blend she wanted to try.

"I'll have Darjeeling please."

The waitress nodded and walked off to get their orders.

"You know that has caffeine, don't you?" He'd been surprised by her order, she rarely drank anything caffienated as far as he was aware.

"Of course. Vulcans are immune to the effects of caffeine."

"Well you learn something new every day." He smiled.

"I'm glad your mood has improved."

Yes it had. He felt a lot better than he had this morning. And he felt guilty for how snappish and uncivilised he'd acted towards T'Pol the last two days. Whether she was in a relationship with Trip or not, she hadn't warranted such behaviour. He didn't want to think about that though — he was living in the moment, enjoying her company, the fresh air and the sites and sounds of San Francisco.

The waitress returned with their teas. "Do you have any milk or creamer?" Jonathan asked. She returned in a couple seconds with a small jug filled with milk.

"You drink your tea with milk?" T'Pol queried.

"This blend, yes. The English always drink their tea with milk. What do you think of the Darjeeling blend?"

"It has a fascinating taste, I believe I like it."

Several minutes later their food arrived. T'Pol tucked into her salad — it was delicious. "Thank you for suggesting this place. I would have been hungry if we'd walked back to the car without stopping somewhere."

He opened his bag of chips and offered her one. Despite not usually eating with her fingers, she took a few and munched on them. They were salty just like the popcorn she'd consumed when going to movie night aboard Enterprise.

"Do you think you're gonna be cold on the walk back?" He wondered if there were any stores in the area where they could get her a sweatshirt or maybe a jacket.

"I should be fine, perhaps the wind has died down by now."

"Hmm…I doubt it. It's usually stronger later in the afternoon. I'd offer you my sweatshirt, but I don't have anything on underneath."

"Well you wouldn't want to distract the female drivers on the bridge."

"What?" he laughed.

The comment had just slipped out without her thinking. Now she felt rather embarrassed. She tried to think up something quickly to explain herself.

"I've heard certain female ensigns discuss your…physique." This wasn't a lie, but at least the explanation detracted from her own feelings. She had once overheard Hoshi being questioned by another ensign asking about how the captain looked in decon.

"You have?" He was astonished. He had absolutely no idea. "Who?"

"You'd never look at them the same way if I told you, Jonathan."

"Okay, but I can't imagine anyone saying something like that about me."

"Then you're too modest."

He wasn't sure how to answer that one. Was he too modest? Did she find him attractive? It felt like eons since a woman had found him attractive.

They finished up their lunch and departed. As they exited the tea room they noted how bright and sunny it was. "It feels much warmer now," T'Pol stated.

Despite Jonathan's prediction of it being even winder on the return trip, it wasn't so. The slight wind was actually in their favour, as it was blowing in the direction they were walking. They strolled along the opposite side of the bridge which was the right side; T'Pol could see the island of Alcatrez as she glanced to her right. In the bay area were a few small craft, mostly sail boats taking advantage of the winds. She wondered if the occupants didn't feel slightly nauseous, the waves seemed to toss the boats around as if they were constructed from nothing more than cardboard.

"Have you ever been sailing?" she asked Jonathan.

"Pardon?" He hadn't heard her as a large vehicle had just driven past them.

"Nothing." There was no point trying to shout over the noise. She could always ask him on their drive back.

T'Pol kept a steady pace, a little faster than their earlier walk but Jonathan assumed it was to keep herself warm. "We can jog if you prefer," he suggested.

She'd heard him and nodded in accord. Within ten minutes they'd arrived back at the Sausalito side of the bridge. Now they needed to climb up the hill to the car park.

Jonathan stopped for a moment before starting the final part of their journey and took out his water bottle. He offered her some but she declined. "You're a fast runner," he commented.

"I thought you already knew that. We've been in the gym together on the treadmills several times."

"I know," he smiled. "You ready for the last leg then?"

"Of course."

The walk up the hill was steep but seemed easier than the walk down, where one could easily have slipped. Within a few minutes they'd returned to their starting point — the scenic overlook.

T'Pol gazed out at the view once more and noted the low clouds surrounding the upper part of the bridge.

"We're lucky there's no fog today," Jonathan said. "Might have obscured the entire view."

"Yes…it does get foggy here in the mornings and nights especially." She recalled that from her time living in Sausalito.

Jonathan glanced at his watch — it was just coming up to 2pm. He wondered what to suggest next. Did she want to spend the rest of the day with him or should he just take her back to the hotel? He didn't know. If he suggested something, would she just agree because she was being polite or because she felt sorry for and didn't want him to be alone?

He hated that thought. He didn't want her pity. He wanted her to be with him because that's what she really wanted — no other reason. But he wasn't sure what her motivations were. She'd told him she cared…but caring for someone could encompass so many different things. He would have felt more secure if she'd used another four letter word beginning with L, but didn't think that would ever happen. And he still wasn't sure what exactly was going on between her and Trip. If there was something there, he didn't want to come between them.

"What shall we do next?" she asked to his surprise and delight. It was much easier now to suggest something.

"What would you like to do, T'Pol?"

"I am uncertain. I'm not accustomed to having so much free time on my hands. When I lived here before joining Enterprise, I normally spent my off-hours reading Surak's Teachings, meditating or exercising."

"You never left the compound?"

"Rarely."

He opened the car door for her and she stepped inside.

"Rarely doesn't mean never," he commented as he got into the driver's seat.

"True. I was curious about the outside world. A few times I left the compound at night, after my shift was over and I'd wander into Sausalito."

"Where did you go?"

"There was a quaint little jazz club, less than a mile from the compound. The music was…enticing."

"You like jazz, huh?"

"It is appealing, yes."

Well wonders would never cease! What other revelations would she come up with? Just when he thought he knew pretty much everything about her — including some very personal information like her Pa'nar syndrome and her history with the Ministry of Security, she'd tell him something like this. It made him more curious and anxious to learn about her personal likes and dislikes.

"So have you thought of what we should do next?" she asked.

"Hmm…still pondering. Ever been to Lombard Street?"

"No…what is significant about it?"

"I'll show you when we get there. From there we could take a cable car ride. Unfortunately most of them are replicas of the originals now, but you still get a feel for what it must have been like back in the 1800s. How's that sound?"

"Interesting." It was kind of Jonathan to offer to be a tour guide, but what she valued most was just being able to spend time alone with him. She wanted to treasure every minute they'd shared today and remember it always.

He turned the key in the ignition and drove towards Lombard Street. "You were going to ask me something on the bridge, but I didn't hear you."

"Oh yes, I wanted to ask you if you'd ever gone sailing."

"Only as a passenger. Before Maxwell Forrest became an Admiral he had a lot more time on his hands, he even had his own sailing boat. He invited A.G and me to sail down the coast to Los Angeles one weekend."

"Was this during the NX-Project?"

"About a month before it was officially commissioned. A.G. and I had just returned from another bout of survival training in the Australian desert and were in need of a break. Forrest's suggestion was just the ticket."

"You didn't get sea sick?"

"Nope. We were lucky though…the ocean was calm that weekend."

"I'm glad I was not a passenger on any of the sail boats in the bay today."

"Yeah…if you're prone to that kind of thing, today wouldn't be a good day for sailing. But then San Francisco is famous for its windy weather. It comes with the territory…you need a strong stomach if you want to go out sailing in those winds."

Their journey to Lombard Street didn't take too long. He parked on the corner, so she wouldn't see the street until after she got out of the car. He wanted it to be a surprise.

"So what do you think?" he asked as they looked upwards.

"Is it this way for aesthetic reasons or some other purpose?" She surveyed the crooked street with its byzantine curves and found it attractive. It was certainly unusual and unlike all the other streets she'd seen in San Francisco.

"Sure it looks nice but the real reason is for safety. It's a treacherous slope that's very steep."

"I see."

"Would you like to walk up or catch the cable car now?" He asked.

"I don't mind, whatever you prefer."

He hoped he wasn't boring her, but since she didn't seem that enthusiastic about climbing the street, he decided the cable car ride would probably be the best decision. They caught one a few blocks from where they'd left the car.

This was certainly a rudimentary form of travel but T'Pol assumed it was the height of technology back in the 1800s. Though it was somewhat basic, it was in the spirit of the city, and she regretted not having ridden on one before. She found the wind blowing through her hair as the tram glided down a hill, but it was not unpleasant.

She glanced at Jonathan and he looked straight at her and smiled. He had such a handsome face and it was further accentuated when he smiled. It was a welcome change from the sober serious look he'd sported for most of the last year. She'd been right in the cafeteria this morning — the man who'd accompanied her on the mission to capture Menos was still around. He was sitting next to her at this very minute.

They disembarked at Fisherman's Wharf and explored a little before catching the tram back. There were many stores located here, selling all manner of merchandise. She passed one that looked like it was a health food store and an idea popped into her head.

"Would you mind if we went in?" she asked Jonathan.

"Sure, if you want." He wondered what she might be interested in here.

She asked the assistant for several types of ingredients — none of which he'd heard of. She seemed pleased when the assistant was able to provide her with all that she'd listed. She purchased the items and they left.

"May I ask what that's for?"

"Of course. The items I purchased most closely resemble the ingredients I'd use to make plomeek broth. I haven't consumed any Vulcan food in days; I'm beginning to miss it. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to borrow your kitchen later today and make some."

"I don't mind at all. I'm sorry, I should have realized that you're missing Chef's cooking. You know he lives just outside the city, I could ask him to whip something up for you."

"There's no need. The broth will suffice for tonight."

"Okay."

They continued walking along the Wharf. Jonathan suggested they stroll out onto the newly constructed pier. As she walked by his side, he had to keep stopping himself from wrapping his arm around her shoulder or waist. He ached it do so, but again it wasn't appropriate.

Apart from his bad mood this morning, he hadn't felt this good in well…he couldn't remember — probably before the Expanse.

There was a whole flock of gulls circling the pier, some swooping down to grab a morsel of food some tourist had discarded. A few were perched on the railings. "I wish we had something to feed them," T'Pol said.

"Oh I think they're pretty well fed as it is. This place is great for scavengers."

They sat down on a bench enjoying the salt air on their faces and the pleasant view. In the distance she could see the Golden Gate and the Starfleet buildings.

T'Pol had hoped that sometime today Jonathan would let down his defences and allow his true feelings about her to surface. She'd expected him to take her hand or put his arm around her, but now it seemed evident that nothing of the sort was going to happen. Was friendship all she could hope for? It paled in comparison to what she really wanted from him.

"There's nothing between Commander Tucker and myself, Jonathan," she said out of the blue.

"Why do you bring that up now?" He frowned; they'd been having such a nice time.

"I don't understand why you won't believe me. There never was anything between us, and there isn't at present."

"T'Pol, I really don't want to discuss this."

"Why? You told me that nothing happened between you and Rajiin and I believe you. Why can't you afford me the same courtesy?"

"Okay, I do believe you," he answered. "I suppose it's just hard to sink in. I've gone around thinking the two of you were involved for a long time. I'd heard from so many different people that it was true."

For so many months he'd believed it to be true — even last night at the restaurant he'd picked up some kind of vibe between them. And now T'Pol said it wasn't true. He wanted to believe that with all his heart. He'd hated the idea of her with Trip.

"And you value their word above mine?"

"No, of course not, T'Pol. I'm sorry." He stared up the sky watching one seagull chasing another. Was it to steal food, or maybe one was interested in the other as a potential mate?

She slipped her hand gently into his, hoping he wouldn't pull away from her. "It's you I care about, Jonathan, not Trip."

He stared down at their joined hands, not sure how to react. Wasn't this what he wanted? He'd felt so lost and alone and here she was with him offering her companionship and comfort. Why couldn't he accept it?

Hadn't he been preoccupied with thoughts of being with someone? And the only someone he'd accept was T'Pol. He loved her. He'd been in love with her for over three years. But he'd told himself countless times that his feelings were unrequited, and in a way that had been a safety guard.

But oh how he hated being alone: sleeping alone, waking up alone, eating alone. It was worse now with no job to do, and with so much spare time allotted to him. So why not give in to his desires, his feelings?

Was it that he felt he didn't deserve this? A man who'd committed the crimes he had didn't deserve to be happy. At least not until the wrong had been righted…and he hadn't worked out how to do that yet.

Then he thought about T'Pol. To have a relationship with her would be the height of selfishness. She deserved much better than anything he could offer right now. She needed a whole man, not someone who was as messed up as he was right now.

"T'Pol, I can't do this." He pulled his hand from her and walked towards the railing, leaning on it.

She stood up and approached him. "Can't do what?"

"I'm your captain…we can't have a relationship, even if I wanted one." The fraternization thing was a good one to fall back on, and she'd probably believe it. It was a valid enough reason, though in different circumstances he might have broken it to be with her.

"And that's the only reason?" From his tone he didn't sound very eager about being with her, whether it was the captaincy that stood in his way or not. She regretted bringing the topic up and shattering the happy spell that had surrounded them all afternoon.

"I think we should go back to the car," he said.

Well that was that. He'd closed her out again and wasn't going to respond.

TBC