Disclaimer: Me only owning half a Curly Wurly and a packet of love hearts.

Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Three times winner of 'Most Likely Place to Be Invaded by Rabid Fan-girls'.

And seven times winner of 'Highest Character Distress rate', after all the fics in which Harry Potter characters have been placed into romantic relationships, with the likes of Voldermort, Snape and Peter Andre.

Let us begin!

1. Do not set off helium gas in the staffroom. Oh Danny boy! No! My eardrums nearly burst last time!

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Do I want to know how you managed to get three canisters of helium?" Remus questioned with a raised eyebrow as he stood watch at the door.

"Err…properly not, no" James replied after a brief silence and a side ways glance at his best friend.

"Watch it Pete! That cost me thirty-five Gallons!" Sirius exclaimed when his shorter friend accidentally dropped a pump and coil of tubes, he looked confused, "Why on earth would you pay thirty-five Gallons for this? It's only worth five at the very least"

Sirius grinned, "I know, but I was using my darling mothers account book when I brought it"

"Wizards have account books?" Sirius nodded and Peter asked another question, "Who on earth would make you pay so much?"

"Greg 'pay me now' O' Git"

"Who's he? A gangster?"

"No, he's the bloke that works at B&Q?"

"Oh…"

James huffed, "Is this ready yet?" Sirius scratched his head, gazed around the room with delight, "Yes! I think it is!"

"Their coming!" Remus suddenly whispered, running over to join them under James' invisibility cloak.

The teachers of Hogwarts filed into the staffroom, each ready for this months staff meeting and armed to the teeth with notes and genders.

"Ready, one, two, and three…" James whispered, on three the four boys jumped on the pump, filling the room with the helium gas.

"Right now, first on the agenda, what the hell is wrong with my voice?"

The teachers began to scream with fury, it would have been rather frightening if they had not have sounded like Speedy Gonzales on crack.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

Do not announce in the great hall that professor McGonagall is 'expecting'

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

"AHEM!" Sirius Black called for silence as he stood up in the packed great hall during the Halloween feast. He tapped the glass in his hand with a custard covered spoon again until all eyes were on him.

"Thank you! I shall not keep you long. I only wish to congratulate our very own professor McGonagall on her most pleasing news!"

The rooms' occupance muttered to themselves in confusion BUT Black was no where near done, "Yes! It is my greatest honour to tell you that our beloved professor is expecting!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

3. (Carry on from number 2) or that the lucky man is professor Dumbledore.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

Sirius was about to sit when he suddenly remembered something and called attention once more, the furious professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes. Her face twisted with so much anger it would have had Voldermort himself cowering in the corner.

"My congratulations also, to the lucky dad to be, professor Dumbledore!"

A vain in McGonagall's neck burst.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

4. Don't tell 1st years that Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore 'get giggy with it' every Saturday night. They actually believed us! I know! Ha ha ha! Course it was all thanks to our 'angelic' allie. Yeah, pity about the horns holding said halo hostage.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

"First years this way! First years to me!" Remus called as the great hall began to clear with students going off to bed. Sirius huffed, "Do we have to?" Remus rolled his eyes, "You don't, but I'm a prefect and have to"

Sirius stuck his tongue out at his friends retreating back and joined the end of the line of first years following the prefects. Why did James and Peter have to get caught chucking Snape in the lake? And leave him on his own with prefects?

"Are you a fifth year?" a blond haired first year asked him, pulling on his robes when he spun around looking for who had spoken; he looked down at the new Gryffindor and blinked. "Yes, who are you?"

"I'm Agnes" there was silence between the two for a while; Agnes decided to break it first, "So…any teachers I should be worried about?"

Sirius shrugged, then an evil grin formed on his face, "Well, not really, Slughorn's a prat, and McGonagall and Dumbledore get giggy with it every Saturday night, but apart from that no"

Agnes raised a sceptical eyebrow, "I don't believe the last part, I'm eleven not a retard"

Sirius grinned again, "Never said you were"

"Are you suggesting that I lie to my fellow first years just so we can laugh at them for been so gullible?"

"Yes!" Agnes narrowed her eyes then shrugged,

"Sure, sounds like fun"

Within a week all the first years of Hogwarts were walking past Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore with thoroughly disturbed expressions and the Marauders had found themselves an angelic looking allie.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

5. Do not place Snape in the lonely hearts column of The Daily Prophet. Now that was a good one! Do you remember his face? I know! Hahaha

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

"'Young, sophisticated well tuned Slytherin guy who has achieved six OWLS and is a master of potions and cross dressing seeks… any old slapper.

Please reply to Mr.S. Snape ASAP as I am gagging for it.'" Remus sighed, "Why do I think you had something to do with this, Padfoot?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o

Well that's it for now folks, sorry it isn't that good. I'm suffering from writers block but the constant poking from Padfoot, courtesy of Poppy Cotton of Underhill, got on my nerves, that and him, Bob and Trevor (my friend that lives in the bin) getting blind drunk on whiskey and singing a song about happy goblins all night.

If any of you have any ideas or characters you would like me to write about don't hesitate to ask and to Poppy Cotton of Underhill Remus clips on the way! Now please, please, TAKE HIM BACK!