Redemption

Chapter 16

Jonathan climbed aboard the sailing boat and offered his hand out to Rebecca. She was decked out in a sailing outfit; she looked cute. She'd said it would put her in the mood.

"So who's the captain of this vessel?" she asked as she stepped aboard. She'd been sailing many times as a child; her father had owned a sailing boat, which had been docked in Santa Cruz. She'd spent many a Sunday afternoon sailing up and down the California coastline.

"Guess experience as a starship captain doesn't count, huh?"

"You can be first officer for a change," she smiled.

Her comment made him immediately think of T'Pol. His dream earlier on the beach had been so vivid. Boy, was he tired of dreaming — either his mind tormented him with nightmares of an Illyrian courthouse or taunted him with amorous visions of a beautiful Vulcan. He was seriously considering taking another of Rebecca's pills tonight. They'd done the trick last night; his sleep had been dreamless.

"I say something wrong?" she inquired.

"Pardon?"

"You went all quiet. Instead of staring into space maybe you could untie the ropes and we can get this bucket moving. We only have it for the afternoon."

"Yeah, right," he answered, awakening from his thoughts. "Sorry."

Ten minutes later they were sailing out of Suva en-route for Beqa. Rebecca was at the helm, sailing them in a southerly direction. It was a perfect day for sailing. The seas were calm and there was a gentle wind that pushed them in the direction of their destination.

Jonathan explored the boat. It was a nice vessel though it had a corny name — True Love. He wondered if the previous owners had been some madly in love couple who'd named it that, and then they'd got divorced sold it to the marina office to be used as a rental. Or was that just his cynical side? More than likely…

He unpacked the lunch Rebecca had prepared and set it out on the small table at the bow of the boat. She'd brought a container of passion fruit iced tea as well so he poured some into two glasses.

"You gonna put it on autopilot and come eat lunch?" he called to her.

"Yeah, be there in a minute," she answered.

Jonathan sat down at the table. Feeling peckish he bit into one of the sandwiches she'd prepared. It was actually a large turkey tortilla wrap with lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, cheese and mayo — delicious!

Rebecca joined him and picked something out for herself. "Remember to leave room for the potato salad and dessert of course."

"I don't know where you found the time to make all this."

"I work best under pressure," she answered, smiling at him.

"You look like a young girl in that hat and sailor suit."

"Thanks!"

She put some coleslaw on her plate and had a sip of her iced tea. "Jon, can I ask you something?"

Hmm…why did he have a feeling he wasn't going to like this? "Okay, but I can't promise I'll answer."

"The night before when I woke you up from the nightmare, you kept repeating the words they're innocent and it's not their fault. Do you know what you were talking about?"

"Oh…that. I'd rather not talk about it." That meant he did know.

"I think I know why your father appeared in your dream — our subconscious often releases our worst fears through dreams. And even though your father is dead, one of your worst fears is that he'd consider you a failure."

"Rebecca—"

"No, hear me out. I'm doing my Dr. Freud bit here," she smiled.

"Uh oh. Since when have you been so interested in psychology?"

"It's a fascinating subject. You should read up on it." He didn't answer. "So what did these people who were innocent and your father have in common in the dream?"

"They didn't. It was a court scene. Let's leave it at that."

"You were in court because of something you'd done in the Expanse? You told me the other night that you had to shut off your conscience to accomplish the mission."

"I did? Boy, remind me not to get drunk again."

"I already told you that you didn't divulge anything top secret, so don't worry. But whatever it is you did, it's bothering you."

"I think we established that. Do you know this conversation is beginning to sound like a broken record?"

"Jon, what you gonna do? Rely on sleeping pills the rest of your life?"

"Maybe."

"That's hardly a solution."

"Rebecca, I don't know. The nightmare may have been a one off. Who's to say I'll dream of it again?"

"Because whatever you did makes you feel guilty. Until you forgive yourself and move on, your subconscious has to deal with that guilt. One way of doing that is through dreams."

"That's only a theory."

"Well I'm just sharing what I've learned. If you don't want to talk to me about it, you might want to consider—"

"Just don't say shrink."

"You allergic to the word?" she asked, trying to be funny.

"No, just the idea."

"Okay, I'll drop it. For your sake I hope you don't have any more nightmares. If you're interested, I've got a great book back at the villa on dream interpretation."

"No thanks."

That was that. He was a stubborn mule! Next time he tossed and turned and called out in the throes of a nightmare maybe she wouldn't wake him up. What could one do with a person who was suffering but didn't want help?

"Have you spoken to T'Pol since we arrived?" she asked, changing the subject.

"I called her yesterday morning, to check on Porthos."

"That the only reason?"

"Yes, Rebecca. That was the only reason." His tone was adamant.

"You're very touchy on that subject aren't you?"

"I don't care for discussing T'Pol if you're going to make assumptions and see things that aren't there."

"Jon, I'm not blind. And I know you. Can I ask why you never told her how you felt? Is it Starfleet regs?"

"You didn't hear a word I said!" His chair screeched as he got up from the table hurriedly, throwing his napkin on the plate.

"Jon!"

It was no use; he was in one of his moods again. He'd walked to the stern and was gazing out onto the water with his back to her.

She finished up her lunch, then went back to the helm and turned off the autopilot. As he saw her approaching he mumbled something about seeing land and he was going to get his binoculars. She didn't answer.

She was well aware of his feelings for his first officer. She didn't care how many times he denied it. She'd known Jonathan was attracted to the stoic Vulcan from the minute he'd met her. Two days before Enterprise's initial launch and mission to return Klaang to Quo'nos she'd had lunch with Jonathan. He'd returned from Brazil that morning, with his communications officer in tow, Hoshi Sato.

It was their goodbye lunch, she knew he'd be too busy getting Enterprise ready for launch to see her any other time. She'd be there for the ceremony but she doubted he'd have time for any personal goodbyes. Jonathan bemoaned the Vulcans for most of their lunch, speaking with gritted teeth about Soval and his cohorts. Then he'd become extremely animated describing a Vulcan woman whom he'd said he'd almost knocked on her ass. Rebecca had been intrigued. This woman had obviously got under his skin.

He'd talked about this woman's arrogant and superior attitude. He'd had about all he could stomach from her and her kind.

"And you won't believe what news I was greeted with getting off the shuttle from Brazil," he continued excitably.

"No I can't imagine," Rebecca replied.

"Forrest was waiting for me and he didn't look happy. I knew something was up and I smelled Vulcans all over it. Those people just can't keep their noses out of anything."

"So, what was this news?"

"She's assigned to my ship."

"What?"

"That's right. I was as shocked as you are. That snide, arrogant, superior, cynical, thinks-she-knows-it-all Vulcan of a woman is being assigned to my ship." He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Forrest tells me I have to make her my first officer — I'm sure Trip will be thrilled."

"I'm sure Trip will welcome her with as much enthusiasm as you. Oh boy, wonder if she knows what she's letting herself in for?"

"She knows."

"Jon, does she have any redeeming qualities? Or you just gonna go into this with your Vulcan blinkers on?"

"Rebecca—"

"Why don't you give her a chance?"

"Whose side are you on? If it weren't for these people—"

"Jon, don't get yourself all in knots. I know how you feel and I do sympathise. I know you feel they held your father back. But you can't take out all your anger on this one Vulcan. I mean she's not directly responsible for what happened to your dad, is she?"

"Since when did you become the advocate for Vulcans?"

"I'm not. But I'm appealing to your better judgement. Don't take your anger out on her. I bet she's probably as happy as you are about this whole thing."

Jonathan wasn't listening. "I wouldn't be surprised if she orchestrated the whole damn transfer just so she could worm her way under my skin even further. She wants to see where my breaking point is. Well woman or not, if she gets out of line—"

"She'll experience the almighty wrath of Captain Archer. I get the picture." She sighed. "Jon, look at the bright side, at least she's a woman."

"What?" he snapped. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well she's young isn't she? I mean for a Vulcan. Is she pretty?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"She must be. You didn't answer my question."

"I thought you were supposed to be my friend. I vent my feelings and the only response I get is you asking if I'm attracted to this woman."

"I never said a word about attraction." Rebecca's lips curled up into an amused smile. "Jon, you're so transparent."

"If the situation was reversed, you'd be livid. What if your boss assigned you to work with David Lawson on an assignment?"

"Oh I can't stand the guy — you know that. He's such an arrogant ass. But I won't deny he's good looking."

"I give up," he sighed.

"Jon, I'm just having a bit of fun. Lighten up. And look on the bright side — you'll probably have a very efficient first officer."

Yes, Rebecca thought, he'd probably been attracted to T'Pol from the moment he'd laid eyes on her. When he'd actually fallen in love with her was a mystery. She surmised it had to have been during the first two years of their mission, before the Xindi attack.

What she couldn't work out was why Jonathan hadn't said anything. It was either Starfleet regulations or maybe he felt T'Pol didn't return his feelings. Was he scared of rejection? Perhaps he still bore the scars of Margaret's refusal. But that was years ago…

She sighed. She wanted to help but every time she tried Jonathan blocked every attempt. Maybe it was time to back off and just enjoy the vacation. Keep the conversations light hearted and stick to small talk.

He returned to the helm and she asked to borrow the binoculars to have a look herself. She asked him to hold the wheel.

"We should be there in about twenty minutes," she noted.

"Yeah."

"Anything in particular you'd like to do once we get there?"

"Have a general look around, I guess. Unless you have something in mind?"

"No, that sounds okay." She returned the binoculars to him. "I'm sorry I made you angry earlier. But you must know what I said was with the best of intentions."

"I know, Rebecca. I'd rather not discuss it, that's all."

"Okay," she shrugged. She returned to the helm and navigated the boat into the harbour.

They spent about two hours on the island before returning to the boat. They walked along the beach, then took an inland trail, which lead to a lagoon and waterfall. Rebecca started to hum the song Bali Ha'i from the musical South Pacific and Jonathan found himself joining in.

They took a different trail back to the harbour, though lush undergrowth, palm trees and exotic plants. They passed a few other waterfalls on the way. One of them reminded Jonathan of Multnomah Falls in Oregon, which he'd visited on a school trip. He'd returned to the Columbia River Gorge and the falls several years later with Maggie. Come to think of it, Steve Johnson had joined them on that trip with his sister.

Maggie and Steve were in medical school together and spent a lot of the evenings studying for finals. Jonathan had done his best to entertain Steve's sister, telling her stories from his Stanford days and the tough regime of flight school. She'd smiled and listened, probably being polite.

In the end, they'd cajoled the two medical students into putting their books away and going out for a few beers. It had been a lot of fun. Steve had a great sense of humor and made everyone roar with laughter. And he couldn't wait to tell them all about how Maggie had almost blown up the lab in Berkeley by mixing the wrong chemicals in an experiment.

Funny how one waterfall could bring back memories long forgotten.

"You okay?" Rebecca asked.

"Sure. You having a good time?"

"Yeah…I feel like I'm in the jungle and we'll come across some lost tribe any minute," she laughed.

They returned to the harbor and decided to go for a drink before sailing back. They picked an ocean side bar. Jonathan had a strawberry daiquiri and Rebecca chose a non-alcoholic pina colada; she assumed she'd be the one at the helm on the return trip.

"You miss Enterprise?" she asked, as her drink was served.

"Yeah…keeps me busy."

"You never miss Earth when you're up there exploring the heavens?"

"Not really. It's what I always wanted to do."

"So where do you see yourself in ten years time?"

"This sounds like a job interview," he teased.

"Just curious, Jon. You always said you didn't want to be stuck behind a desk, so I can't see you becoming an Admiral."

"I can't either, but who knows?" Her mention of the admiralty made him wonder what Forrest would have said if he'd consulted him on the decision to attack the Illyrians before he did it. Would he have authorized it? He'd thought about it, but decided against it. Why should another person share in his guilt?

"I'd love to go back to exploring," he continued.

"When will Enterprise be ready?"

"Last I heard she'll be undergoing repairs for at least another 6 weeks."

"And then?"

"I hope we can pick up where we left off before the whole Xindi affair."

Rebecca raised her glass and offered a toast. "To Captain Archer, the explorer."

He smiled. He raised his glass to hers and they clinked them together.

"What's on the horizon for you?" he asked.

"I think it's time for some changes. I don't seem to have the energy and enthusiasm for this job like I used to. I'd like to return to the same house or apartment at the end of the day. I'm tired of a different hotel room every night. And the travelling…well it was fun for a long time, but now I'd just like to settle down."

"That's understandable."

"Is it, Jon? You never wanted to settle down."

He smiled. "I've got too much of the explorer in me to settle down."

"You think so? Or was it that you never met the right woman?"

"Oh that kind of settling down — tying the knot and all? I thought you just meant getting your own place. " He'd avoided her question on purpose.

"I meant both."

"So why did you refuse Robert?"

"Simple — I didn't love him."

"You going to try and settle in San Francisco?" he asked, after a brief silence.

"I don't know. I think a completely fresh start might be in order. I have a hankering to live in DC."

"Well plenty going on there."

"Yup. So…think you'll ever get married, Jon?"

"I doubt it. Having a wife and exploring the stars hardly go hand in hand."

"I guess not." She glanced at her watch and announced that they should finish up their drinks and get a move on.

The sail back to Suva was spectacular. The sky had turned into several different shades of red and orange. Jonathan sat by her, making small talk as they made their return journey.

Every now and then she'd steal a glance at him. He looked so handsome. The extra weight looked good on him, as did the tan. He looked amazing in white; he was dressed in a white collarless shirt and matching white pants.

"Something wrong?" Jonathan asked.

"No, why?"

"You keep looking in my direction."

"I was thinking how well you look. I'm glad you've been eating well, those extra pounds make all the difference."

"Hmm…well I'm not gonna overdo it, however many desserts you put before me."

She smiled back at him, thinking back to the first time she'd met him. She'd been interested in him from the moment she'd laid eyes on him. She'd heard about Commanders Robinson and Archer being temporarily suspended for taking out the NX-Beta and had been intrigued to meet the two of them, smelling a potential story. She'd set up an appointment with them and the three of them had met up at a cosy Italian restaurant in Ghiradelli Square.

Before going to the meeting she'd done a little research, checking out their profiles and what other information was available to the general public on Starfleet commanders. She's seen a mugshot of Archer and thought him handsome. However, meeting him in person was an entirely different matter.

She'd been sat at the table waiting for her interviewees to arrive. Archer had walked in first, followed by A.G. He was out of uniform, wearing a pair of old jeans, and a white shirt, open at the neck. She practically ignored A.G., as her eyes followed Archer across the room. He was tall, with short dark blonde hair. His face was striking, and he walked with an air of confidence.

The Maitre'd had shown both of them to Rebecca's table. Jonathan had held out his hand to her and she'd had her first glimpse of those luminescent, hypnotising green eyes.

"Commander Jonathan Archer."

"Pleased to meet you, Commander. I'm Rebecca Summers."

"I'd assumed as much." Jonathan flashed his trademark smile. Rebecca knew she had to watch out with this one — he was quite the charmer!

A.G. introduced himself as well, and they all sat down. Rebecca felt like a schoolgirl with her first crush. For most of the meal she just couldn't keep her eyes off Archer, and felt bad for neglecting A.G. To compensate she'd throw him a question now and then, but most of the time her attention was focused primarily on the gorgeous Commander Archer.

Jonathan had never made the first move with her — she'd had several more interviews with both of them and a few alone with him to get her piece written. After it was published she didn't hear from him. She didn't normally chase men; it was usually the other way around. But Archer was one she wasn't gonna let slip through the cracks. So one evening she'd called him up and asked him out. To her relief, he'd said yes.

She recalled the night he'd accompanied her to an award ceremony. She'd won for writing the article about him and A.G. He looked dashing in a tux, and she'd been keenly aware of the other women in the room admiring him as they entered.

She smiled recalling the memory. They'd had some great times together and she'd never forget them. But she knew they were better off as friends — their busy schedules had always got in the way of their relationship. But that hadn't been the only obstacle.

Early on in the relationship she acknowledged it wasn't going to progress. He was a man married to his dream…exploration and the fulfilment of his father's dream. She accepted that. And when a job offer in Australia came her way, she didn't hesitate to take it. She didn't worry about him; he'd never really needed her.

She'd been in love with him, but known that would never be enough. She wasn't going to drop everything and become a Starfleet officer just to be with him. The emotion had been powerful and intense to begin with, but as time passed it mellowed into deep caring and concern.

She still thought he was one of the most attractive men she'd ever known — that would never change. He got better looking as he got older. But friendship was all she wanted from him. She liked it that way. She was glad they'd ended their romance on a positive note and kept in touch over the years. They were both a part of each other's lives, neither one of them could ignore that.

And now as his friend she wanted him to be happy. She wanted him to deal with whatever guilt was plaguing him and move on. And she was certain there was more to his relationship with T'Pol than met the eye. She wondered if there was any way she could find out for sure.

The sun set just as they docked in the marina. They disembarked and walked towards the marina office.

Two young boys were running down the path in Rebecca and Archer's direction. It looked like they were racing each other. One of them tripped. What looked like the older boy returned to make sure the younger one was okay.

Jonathan helped the young boy up. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yes, sir."

The boy looked familiar; then he remembered — this was the young Jonathan from the yacht the Sunset Princess. "Just be careful. I don't think running around here is very safe." The boy nodded. The older one and he walked away in the direction of the yacht.

"I remember him from the other day…his name's Jonathan," he told Rebecca.

"How do you know?"

"When I was here the other day I heard his father call him that."

"Oh."

They returned the boat's documentation and keys to the marina office. With everything in order, they walked to the car.

Jonathan offered to drive back as Rebecca had done most of the sailing today. She asked if he felt sober, and he answered that his daiquiri had been weak and he felt fine. He suggested they pick up some pizza for dinner on the way home. She agreed. As much as she loved to cook she was feeling a bit tired tonight.

They left the pizza place with their orders and returned to the car. "Thanks for everything today, Rebecca. I had a good time."

"I'm pleased to hear. I was beginning to feel guilty for dragging you out here."

"You didn't drag me. I came of my own volition. Besides, I think it was for the best."

"What do you mean it was for the best?" Rebecca asked.

"Oh nothing."

"Jon, please don't clam up again. You obviously meant something by it. I hate it when someone says something and then doesn't explain."

"It got Admiral Forrest off my back," he answered after a few moments. That hadn't been what he meant — he'd been referring to T'Pol and how going away with Rebecca would make her think they were involved. He'd made the mistake of speaking his thoughts aloud.

"Admiral Forrest wanted you to take a vacation?" she asked, puzzled.

"That's it in a nutshell."

The answer was unsatisfactory but she didn't question him further. He'd only become defensive.

They arrived back at the villa and dug into their pizzas. They cleared up and then decided to watch an old movie in the database. By the time the film finished it was 11pm and Rebecca bid him goodnight, saying it had been a long day and she felt tired.

"Sweet dreams," he answered. Then he wondered about his own sleep tonight. Should he ask Rebecca for a pill? If she gave him one it would probably come along with a lecture on how he couldn't rely on them. He decided against it, he'd chance it. He'd only had one nightmare. What was the probability that he'd have another one?

He turned off the TV and went to prepare for bed. He'd have his answer soon enough.

TBC