Redemption

Chapter 17

Two days had passed since she'd seen Steve Johnson. That was not a vast amount of time but T'Pol was anxious to learn more about Jonathan's past. Steve appeared to be an excellent source of the information she sought. The doctor had not contacted her about dinner. She checked the computer for messages every time she returned from an errand or taking Porthos for a walk.

She did briefly wonder if the captain would appreciate her digging into his past. But she concluded that since Steve was Jonathan's friend, he wouldn't betray a confidence. Besides, her and Archer were friends. The subject of Margaret Mullin had never come up because she'd never enquired of his past relationships. When Jonathan had told her about Caroline, he hadn't instructed her to keep it a secret. She assumed the same was true with Steve Johnson and the subject of Margaret.

The whole story fascinated her — a young Jonathan Archer, madly in love and then painfully heartbroken. Had his experience so many years ago influenced his view of relationships in general? Could this explain why he'd pulled away from her?

She'd thought it was his guilt…now she was curious if the damage inflicted so many years ago had anything to do with it. She wished Steve hadn't been interrupted by that call. She'd wanted him to finish the story. All she knew was that Maggie had moved to Denver but none of the details as to why Archer had been refused…if that's indeed what had happened.

Maybe he'd backed out at the last minute and decided not to propose after all. Perhaps it was Miss Mullin who'd been in possession of a broken heart and left the city because of that.

She also had another theory floating around in her head. All this time she'd thought Rebecca and Archer were trying to rekindle an old romance. Instead it could be that Archer still harboured feelings for his first love, and had never properly recovered from the break-up.

Was it possible for a human man to love someone this long? Why hadn't Margaret wanted to marry him? Why hadn't Jonathan gone after her to Denver? Or maybe he had, but Steve hadn't had time to tell her that part of the story.

Her questions and suppositions were aplenty.

There was always one way to find out — she could just ask Archer directly. The temptation to do so was there, but she did not wish to incur his wrath or annoyance. On his return, if she felt brave, she could attempt to breach the subject.

She turned the computer screen off and got up from the desk. She'd returned from a shopping expedition a few moments ago and had checked for messages as soon as she'd shut the door behind her.

She'd become accustomed to wearing casual Earth clothes and had purchased a few items this very morning. She found them rather comfortable in comparison to the uniforms she'd worn aboard Enterprise. Now that she was to become an official member of Starfleet, she was looking forward to wearing the navy jump suit just like Jonathan and Trip did.

She walked over to the living room window and stared out onto the city of San Francisco.

There'd been no messages. She'd also expected to hear from Admiral Forrest by now in regard to his decision on helping the Illyrians. She feared his answer was going to be no. What would she do then? She'd have to think about other avenues of help.

Being alone so much gave her a lot of time to think. She wished she'd spoken of her idea to help the Illyrians to Jonathan before he'd left for Fiji. Maybe they could have brainstormed together. Working on a solution to the problem would at least have distracted him from his constant bad moods and drowning in a bottomless ocean of guilt.

Hindsight was useless.

He'd been gone five days — it felt more like a month. He wouldn't return for another nine days. Being true to herself, she acknowledged that his absence was painful. Time normally passed for her at the same rate. The last few days it had crawled. Staying in his apartment only served to keep her musings focused on him.

Jonathan was never far from her thoughts. When she walked Porthos she thought of him. When she laid in his bed at night and stared up at the ceiling she recalled that night they'd almost…and pondered what would have happened if he'd been sober.

She wondered what would have happened if they hadn't met the Illyrians…if the Xindi had never attacked Earth, if their entire mission to the Expanse had all been a bad dream. How different things might have turned out.

Hindsight was a waste of valuable time.

Steve had said that Jonathan was her favourite topic of discussion — he wasn't far from the truth.

Last night her and Phlox had been to dinner again. Most of the evening had been spent discussing the captain. They'd talked about how they might try again to persuade him to get professional help before taking up command of Enterprise again. She'd asked Phlox if he thought the captain was fit to command. The doctor couldn't answer without doing a full psychological evaluation and doubted the captain would comply. T'Pol had suggested they speak to Forrest about it. The admiral could order him, making it mandatory.

T'Pol had also told the doctor a little about Steve Johnson. She hadn't mentioned anything about Margaret Mullin; merely that Johnson was a psychiatrist and an old friend of Archer's. Perhaps the captain could be persuaded to get some help from an old friend. Phlox had thought this an excellent suggestion. If anything at least Dr. Johnson could attempt to get the psychological evaluation done.

Phlox had also inquired as to her well being. He said she seemed sad for a Vulcan. She denied it, though secretly agreed with the doctor. She had felt a tad melancholic these past few days. In time she would adjust. Maybe her feelings for Jonathan would fade into the background, and wouldn't cause her to feel what Phlox described as sad.

Loving someone and not being able to be with them was difficult. Acknowledging that there would never be anything between this person and you — not an easy task either. She recited an endless list of reasons as to why a relationship with Jonathan would have been highly impractical but it didn't elevate her mood.

She imagined what it would be like back on board Enterprise. They'd work together; eat together, and revert back to the comfortable status quo of first officer and captain. What it had always been and would always be.

Off-duty they'd continue to be friends. Friendship: it didn't satisfy her anymore. She wanted more.

She felt something rub against her legs and glanced down. It was Porthos. She crouched down and stroked his head. Had he sensed her mood? She'd heard Jonathan say something about how intuitive animals could be.

Tired of thinking about the captain, she decided to occupy her mind with something distracting. She'd gone to bed late last night, having stayed up reading a book she'd found on Jonathan's bookshelf: Jane Eyre. She'd scanned the back cover to see what the plot entailed and it had piqued her interest. She didn't posses detailed knowledge of 19th century Earth or its customs, and thought this might enlighten her.

It wasn't a book she'd expected him to have, but perhaps he enjoyed romantic classic literature. At first the author's language was a little difficult to master; it was apparent it had been written over 300 years ago. Once she'd covered the first few chapters she became more accustomed to the words used, finding herself engrossed in the plights of the orphan girl, Jane.

She'd stayed up reading into the early hours of the morning, finding herself almost as intrigued by the character of Edward Rochester as the book's heroine was.

She padded across the room, Porthos following her, to retrieve the book off the shelf.
Noting how tightly it was wedged between other books, she realized she should have just left it by the bedside or on the coffee table last night. Applying gentle pressure she attempted to pull it free.

It wouldn't budge so she applied more pressure, and this time she was able to retrieve it. In doing so, however, another book had fallen to the floor, scattering loose pieces of paper everywhere as it landed.

She started to collect the papers up. On examination she found them to be handwritten notes. She had been about to return them to the leather bound book they'd come from when her name, written in bold black lettering, caught her attention.

Scanning through the other loose pages she held, it became apparent that they were letters. But the surprising part of her discovery was that they were letters addressed to her! Why had she never been given them? Why would someone bother to handwrite anything in this day of PADDs and computer messaging?

She looked over the pages again. Several had dates written on them. Each letter began with her name — yes these letters were definitely for her. The handwriting was unmistakably Jonathan's. She hadn't seen much of his penmanship, but a few days before he'd left for Fiji she'd come across a shopping list he's scribbled on a piece of paper.

She sat down on the sofa with the letters in her lap. Porthos jumped up on the sofa and sat beside her. Too engrossed in her discovery, she didn't chide him for doing so.

Jonathan had written her letters — and many at that, but never given them to her! Should she read them? What if they were his private thoughts? No, he'd addressed them to her…she had a right to read them, didn't she? Ignoring the voice in her head that advised her to put them away and forget about them, she organized the letters into date order and began to read.

The first was dated 15th October 2151.

T'Pol,

I just left you in sickbay, and Sopek has returned to his ship. He's agreed to argue your case before the High Command. It seems I got my way. I couldn't bare the thought of you leaving Enterprise…I think I'm beginning to come to terms with how much you mean to me.

I can't tell you this to your face…or at least not in such words because you'd probably deem it inappropriate. I tried telling you on the surface when I said I wouldn't let the Vulcans do to me what they'd done to my father. I meant every word. You're important to me. And not just as a science officer…

When we rode back in the shuttle together, I held you in my arms. You won't remember that because you were unconscious and bleeding. My stomach was in knots from fear. My relief was overwhelming when we arrived in Sickbay and Phlox reassured me that your condition wasn't grave.

Then I had to think up some way of keeping you onboard. Enterprise wouldn't be the same without you. My life wouldn't be the same without you. It seems I've grown accustomed to your face.

To be honest, I think I might be falling in love with you. There…I've said it now and it's on paper. But I can't tell you…so I'll just write it here, along with my thoughts and feelings and maybe one day…one day I'll have the courage to show you this.

T'Pol blinked and reread a certain line.

To be honest, I think I might be falling in love with you.

Jonathan had possessed feelings for her then, at the time of her shooting on Corridan? That had been over three years ago. T'Pol was astounded. She began to read the next one. It had been written a few weeks later.

I got to him and you were right. But then you're always right. He had a temper and he didn't know how to control it. However, I think I enjoyed egging him on. I was livid; I could barely suppress my anger after learning what he'd done to you. He'd hurt you and you'd ended up in Sickbay. Though I am partly to blame; I'd encouraged you to spend time with your own people. If only I'd known…

Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

She assumed he was speaking of Tolaris. She continued reading.

It seems my behaviour is becoming a little too obvious. I think you were too busy with Tolaris to catch on. Trip is observant — he accused me of being jealous of you spending so much time with Tolaris. He hit the nail on the head; I was jealous. I should have known that swine was interested in you in that way and kept you away from him. Some protective captain I am!

T'Pol was incredulous. No he hadn't been obvious. Jonathan had been jealous of Tolaris? It didn't seem possible. Yet here in front of her were the words in his handwriting confirming that. She'd been blind.

She flicked through the pages and found one from a few months later, dated 18th February 2152.

The Teachings of Surak — translated into English. I loved your note T'Pol. "To help you relax."

He must have written this during his vacation on Risa.

If only you were here helping me do just that. I'd secretly hoped you'd draw one of the lots and be forced to take time off. I'd already rehearsed my plan, telling you my villa had 2 bedrooms and you could stay with me. I'd have been the perfect gentleman, enjoying your company and getting to know you better.

I'd have liked you to get to know me better, see me in more relaxed surroundings. I'd love you to call me Jonathan.

She skimmed through them looking for things that might give her more insight into Jonathan's feelings and thoughts. She found one from October 2152 that seemed to be tinged with sadness.

I guess I'm a fool for even hoping you might care for me the way I care for you. Yes, I'm a fool. You're Vulcan — you probably don't even know what it means to be in love or what it feels like.

But it seems I'm afflicted with this ailment. I love you, T'Pol. I think I finally realized how much. I wouldn't let them take you from me. I didn't care what rules they threw in my face. I ordered Hoshi to scan the medical database and find a loophole. Like I'd told you in your quarters yesterday — I wasn't going to give you up without a fight.

From the moment I learnt of your Pa'nar syndrome I've had to stop myself countless times from just enveloping you in my arms. I want to comfort you, to let you know how much I care, how much you mean to me. But I'm scared of crossing the line or bewildering you. Your feelings for me are a mystery. I know you trust me, and you're fiercely loyal but they are feelings associated with me being your captain.

Could you ever feel anything for me as a man?

I almost told you the truth today. When you came to see me in the Ready Room and I informed you that you weren't going to be recalled, I'd hoped to see some kind of reaction. I wanted to see something in your eyes that told me you were glad you were staying on Enterprise. But I couldn't read you.

I felt a little deflated that your main concern was fighting against Yuris' dismissal and then a smidgen of jealously crept up on me. I pondered if perhaps you were interested in him. But still I was determined to tell you how I felt.

So I said how from a selfish point of view I was glad you were staying — glad was an understatement. It was more like overjoyed. I was just about to tell you I hadn't wanted to lose you because…because I loved you, and then I lost my nerve.

But it hurt when you seemed less than interested in anything I had to say. You were all business like; saying how you hoped this incident would encourage others to speak out.

I don't know what I'd expected — I guess I had wanted a sign from you…something to give me hope that someday…

Oh why don't I just give up! It's never going to happen. I need to accept that I can only love you from afar, that you'll never be mine. That I can't show you how I feel.

He'd been about to tell her that he loved her? The memory of that day was very clear. Contrary to what he believed, his words hadn't gone unnoticed. She'd appeared to not react to them because she had been uncertain as to how to react. She'd been confused as to their true meaning. But she'd sat in her cabin that night mulling over them.

…but on a selfish note, I didn't want to lose you.

It had been difficult to decipher the captain's true meaning. At first she'd dismissed the idea that his concern for her was more than that of a friend. It wasn't until a few months later, when her own feelings began to emerge, that she thought back to this incident in his Ready Room. She'd pondered whether there was a deeper meaning to his words that day.

Now she was saddened at the knowledge that she'd caused him pain.

She came to the last letter. It was from April last year, just after their return to Earth after the first Xindi probe attack. It was unfinished.

Forrest told me they want to send you back to Vulcan. If it's okay with Soval, Enterprise is supposed to give you a ride back to your home planet and then leave you there while we go into the Expanse.

I feel numb from the shock. I hadn't thought for a moment that I'd be heading out into the unknown, on this impossible mission, without you at my side. It just seems incomprehensible.

We've been through so much together, T'Pol. This last year I've felt us growing closer and I've come to rely on you implicitly. Not having you there — well it's like asking me to chop off my right hand and leave it behind.

Maybe I can talk to Soval — though I doubt that would do much good. And who am I gonna promote to your position? Ugh…I'm not even going to think about that.

All I know at this moment is that I love you. The thought of being separated from you… it hurts too much to bear.

The letter ended there. There were no more entries after that date. She surmised he'd left the letters here before entering the Expanse. It appeared he hadn't had time to finish this one.

She gathered the notes up together and placed them carefully back into the leather bound book where they'd come from. Never in her life had she felt so completely overwhelmed.

He did love her, or at least he had loved her at that time — for a good two years. Did he still feel the same? If he did, that at least explained his pain over her supposed affair with Trip in the Expanse.

She couldn't even comprehend how bad he must have felt. Humans experienced emotions to such a depth — she was only beginning to learn what it meant to actually love someone. But Jonathan had carried these feelings around for three years.

She wished she'd gone to see him that night when he'd told her she wasn't going to be recalled. He'd thought she didn't care at all and was only interested in getting Doctor Yuris reinstated. That was far from the truth. She'd never known someone who would take up her cause and fight for it like Jonathan had. His loyalty, his fierce determination to keep her on Enterprise had astounded her.

And there'd been moments when she'd been so tired and exhausted by it all — the doctors and their accusations; that she'd just wanted to slump into his arms. And they'd been so eager!

She'd given up long before him. She remembered the evening he came to her quarters and found her packing. Malcolm had informed her that Jonathan had taken a shuttle down to the planet to speak with the doctors. As far as she concerned he'd gone on a fool's mission.

When he'd related what had happened and that the doctors would be willing to give her a hearing she'd not only been impressed, but also personally touched by his concern. No one had ever cared for her like this before. Her parents had always been distant and she'd never had a close friend in any of her previous assignments.

Jonathan was her friend and he cared. Cared to the extent that he'd pull all the strings at his disposal to keep her on board. That meant something to her. Reflecting on it now she regretted not showing him her gratitude. The last thing she'd wanted to do was inflict pain — and from reading these letters it was evident that he'd felt hurt and sadden by her reactions to him that day.

While not being fully aware of her own feelings for Jonathan at that time, if he'd tried to take her in his arms or even kiss her, she wouldn't have resisted. It might have been the catalyst to learning about how she felt about him.

T'Pol had been attracted to Jonathan Archer from their first meeting. The human had intrigued her, and she'd viewed her assignment to Enterprise as an interesting challenge.

As the weeks passed she'd found herself liking her captain. Humans were not as bad as certain Vulcans had made them out to be. He had his faults: he was proud, prejudiced and stubborn. Yet as they continued to work together, side by side, a bond of trust, friendship and loyalty developed. It's strength had been visibly apparent to Ambassador V'Lar. As she'd said her goodbyes to the captain and T'Pol she'd commented on it.

After the incident with Menos T'Pol had discovered that she didn't have to always be brave and self-sufficient. Jonathan had been there for her and allowed her to lean on him. This was a new experience for her — she'd never had someone she could turn to and rely on. The knowledge made her feel safe and secure.

Each morning she'd awaken, get dressed and walk to the Captain's Mess with a spring in her step. She looked forward to the coming day that would be spent with him. She enjoyed listening to the banter between Tucker and the captain at the breakfast table. Or sometimes it would just be her and Jonathan, and they'd enjoy a friendly repartee.

But it wasn't until she spent the day with him in the shuttlepod, examining the dark matter nebula that it dawned on her: she possessed romantic feelings for her captain. She'd insisted on coming, despite his reservations. A voice in her head had encouraged her not to let him venture off on his own. It had been easier than she'd anticipated — convincing him to let her accompany him and getting him to open up.

A few probing questions and soon he began to speak of A.G., the NX-Project and how he'd broken the warp 2 record. Getting it off his chest was good for him. Within an hour he was smiling and seemed far more jovial than he had before they'd left Enterprise.

Not wanting him to be disappointed she'd hoped they hadn't gone on what Tucker would have called a wild goose chase. When the final two charges ignited the area into a kaleidoscope of pinks, peach and purple hues she watched Jonathan's face light up with delight. He'd been right all along.

She'd been fascinated by the data and insisted on monitoring the quantum field. Jonathan wouldn't hear of it. He told her to let the sensors do that and invited her to witness this incredible spectacle with him. She'd stood next to him, becoming acutely aware of how good it felt to be close to him. She couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else at this moment. It was something ethereal and made her wonder if the human belief in soul mates was not a fable after all.

That evening, back on board Enterprise, he'd come to her quarters to thank her for her company.

"I was wrong about wanting to be alone today. It was good to have someone to share the experience with me," he confessed. "And I'm glad that someone was you."

"I am grateful we were given this opportunity, Captain. I will treasure the memory of today."

Something had felt different between them. Instead of the usual comfortable friendship vibe she usually experienced around him, she felt warm from head to toe. Her heart rate had increased and her stomach felt tight. Her eyes never left his, tracing every contour of his beautiful face. Her ears memorized every word that escaped his lips.

He'd smiled. "I already sent our data to Starfleet along with your recommendation for it to be named the Robinson Nebula. I think A.G.'s family will be moved by the gesture."

They'd talked for several more minutes then to her disappointment he'd bid her goodnight, thanking her again for her company today. She'd lain awake for several hours, reliving the moments in the shuttlepod. It was her night of revelation: she possessed strong feelings for her captain and she wished to explore them further.

That wish had been put on hold for almost a year. Since returning to San Francisco she'd tried to tell him several times, but each attempt had been unsuccessful. And with him going to Fiji with Rebecca, she'd convinced herself that he felt nothing for her, and was probably interested in rekindling a relationship with his old flame.

Now she didn't know what to think. She sat on the sofa with the leather book in her lap and stared into space.

The Expanse had changed Jonathan but had it erased his feelings for her? She recalled the night he'd been drunk and how the words "I love you" had slipped out. Later he'd denied it, almost mocking her.

So what was she to think? The man who'd written these letters had loved her with a passion but what about now? Had the Expanse, the Illyrians, his guilt changed all that?

She didn't have the answers. All she knew was that he'd loved her once. If he still felt that way…well it remained to be seen.

Her impulsive side, which she normally suppressed, wanted to board the next shuttle flight to Fiji and confront him with the letters. But he could deny it all…tell her he'd been wrong, that the letters meant nothing. She dismissed the foolish idea.

She didn't know what to think. She could feel a tension headache coming on. She was about to get up and start making lunch, when she heard a call coming through. She went to answer it.

"Hi, T'Pol. Glad I've caught you in."

The face on the view screen belonged to Steve Johnson.

TBC