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It was a dark and stormy day. Horace Slughorn sat eating crystallized pineapple at his house. There was suddenly a loud bang, and Harry Potter, the Chosen One himself, burst through his wall. He yelled;

"Here I am Professor, come to save your pet Chihuahua from extinction!"

"I'm no longer your Professor, Harry." Slughorn pointed out.

"Oh," said Harry.

"And my Chihuahua isn't endangered!"

"Oh," said Harry again.

"And furthermore, I don't have a Chihuahua!"

"Then what the bloody hell is this?" yelled Harry, holding up a box labelled: 6297 PIECE PUZZLE.

"It's a parsnip," said Hermione matter-of-factly.

"Nuh-uh, Mione. It's a cockroach cluster." Said Ron.

Snape burst through the door of the unisex bathroom. "What are you talking about, eh?"

"Rubber chickens."

McGonagall came out from one of the stalls. "Rubber chicken you say? Uh… I don't know nothing about a rubber chicken! I especially didn't use it for illegal chemistry experiments involving Bunsen burners, magnesium and copper sulphate."

"You don't know anything?" asked Hermione. "You never listened in History of Magic when you went to school, did you?"

"Huh?"

"Uric the Oddball used one to decapitate Urg the Unclean in 1447!"

"Wasn't Urg the Unclean the one Ron made up?" asked Phawke. Tongze, once again the current writer, told her to shut up.

"Plus, you made approximately two grammar errors when you spoke! I don't know nothing? You sound like Peeves!"

"YOU MEANIE!" yelled Peeves. "I'M GOING TO STORM OUT OF THE ROOM NOW!"

"Where'd he go?" asked Narcissa.

"Meh." Hermione shrugged. "He's probably gone to bust slugs with Kevin's Mum. I think they're going out."

"WHAT!" yelled Kevin's dad, and killed himself.

"Uh… okay," said Ginny, and continued to eat cranberries. 10 seconds later she ran out and decided she was bored.

"I'm bored. Maybe I'll go snog Harry. I wonder if he likes cranberries? Then I can get him to buy me some more."

"He must like cranberries if he's your girlfriend." Ron pointed out.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ginny asked.

"Well, he'd taste them, like, once a day. At least." Romilda Vane gagged on her cornflakes. Ginny's eyes narrowed. Ron, who was deathly afraid of his sister, scarpered.

"Hi Ginny." said Colin Creevy, passing by.

"Oh, hi Colin. Have you seen my hate list?"

"I dunno. What's it look like?"

"It's a very long piece of parchment with the words 'Fred Weasley' on it. I was going to add Ron."

"Oh. No, sorry."

"Damnit!" said Ginny.

"Why Fred anyway? Isn't George just as bad as he is?"

"Yeah… but Fred always flicks people's ears."

"Sup, ma peeps?" said Fred, walking into the room and flicking Santa Claus' ear, who for some reason happened to be there.

"SANTA CLAUS? WTF!" yelled Regulus.

"Shouldn't you be in the North Pole making crappy presents that break 10 minutes after you open them?"

"I'm on break." said Santa, licked his finger, and turned a page on his porn magazine.

"YOU FILTHY SLAVE DRIVING LUNATIC!" Hermione screamed, bursting back into the room. "HOW DARE YOU FORCE POOR ELVES TO MAKE TOYS FOR YOU! DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY CU-"

"Hermione!" yelled the imaginary censor. "This' T-rated!"

"Oh, right. Well you shouldn't force elves to do such things and… and… I'm going to report you to S.P.E.W.!"

"What's spew?" asked Santa, looking briefly up from his magazine.

"It's not spew!" said Hermione hotly. "It's S.P.E.W. – the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare."

Santa chuckled.

"Who came up with a dumb name like that?" he asked. Hermione opened her mouth to respond just as there was a burst of red light and the door flew open. There stood Lord Voldemort, and he didn't look happy.

"You never gave me a yoyo, Santa!" he complained. "I had to steal one from another kid in the orphanage instead! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Santa!" Hermione shrieked. "Do something! They're about to kill you!"

"Santa's gunna die the way he lived." Santa muttered, and turned yet another page of his magazine. There was burst of green light from Voldemort's wand and Santa fell off of his deck chair, dead.

"OH NO!" yelled the Bloody Baron.

"I know! Now who will give all the boys and girls toys when they're-"

"It's not that! I just realised… I forgot all about my appointment at the hair salon! What shall I do!"

"Dunno. Eat cheese?"

"…mmkay."

"Hey, hey, that's my cheese you're stealing!" yelled Trelawney, pulling out a large mallet from her shawls and began whacking everything except her cheese with it.

"AHHH! EVIL TEACHER ON THE LOOSE! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

"And woman." Said Ginny.

"Whatever."

"AHH! EVIL CHEESE MINIONS!"

"Oh no… she's in a trance again."

"Is she ever not in a trance?"

"Who's talking?"

"I don't know… we're just white eyes."

"Huh?"

"You know… like on cartoons when it's dark! You can just see their white and black eyes blinking."

"Oh."

"This is so confusing!"

"And so… dark."

"Who are you?"

"Who are you?"

"Hey! Don't touch that!"

"Oookay… you're not a guy."

"Well spotted."

"Hey, you're Hermione!"

"You're Ron!"

"No… I'm Ron's evil twin! Ronaldo Weasle."

"Well hello," said Hermione's evil twin, Hurmiona Grengie.

"Er… hi." Said Ron. "So, Harry, what's your evil twin called."

"Um… Hairy… Putty?"

"Cool."

"Totaleh."

"…"

"Anyone up for a scavenger hunt?" yelled Hairy Putty, Harry's evil twin who didn't really exist. Yeah, well it's not like Ronaldo existed, either.

"Oooh! Me!" said a woman's voice. Harry and Ron turned. There stood the hottest woman they'd ever seen. And that included Fleur. And maybe even the Veela.

"I'm Ron." said Ron quickly, raising a hand to ruffle his red hair.

"I know, silly. I've met you before." The woman gave a tinkling laugh.

"Really?"

"Yes, it's me! Gilderina Lockhart!"

"You mean Lockhart has a sister?" whispered Harry cluelessly.

"I don't think she's Lockhart's sister, mate." Ron muttered back. "I think… I think that is Lockhart!"

"AHHHHHH!"

Okay… so Slughorn has a unisex bathroom in his house…

No… the unisex bathroom is his house.

Right. Of course. How could I have missed that?