Sex, Spies, and Videotapes

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. Unlike James, I am not taking advantage of them for financial profit. ;)

Notes: Sequel to "Let's Make a Deal!" If you haven't read that one, you'll likely be as confused by the events of this fic as all the characters are. Not actually a romance fic, though there are cute Dorian/Klaus scenes, and ... well, James says he's in love with G. Mostly the pairings are Klaus/shouting/violence, Dorian/himself, James/money, Alaska/G (one-sided), Laurence/incompetence, KGB/bungling. All the canon pairings, you know.

Dear Z,

Thank you for your letter. I wasn't expecting to hear from anyone back at the office - after all, I hadn't the slightest idea what the Major told the rest of you. He might have told you something truly terrible.

For instance, G thought, sucking on the end of his pen absently, the Major could always have said that he'd been spying on his fellow agents. ...In the shower. ...For the most part, that was not an appealing thought to G. Of course, the truth wasn't much better...

What he said was true, though. Or at least, when he told me I was on permanent reassignment, he gave the same reason...

"For doing what?" G gasped.

"For providing blackmail material which could be used against NATO, and this department in particular," Major Eberbach snapped, giving a slightly more detailed explanation than his previous. "As if your damn crossdressing wasn't enough, your perversity is putting all of us at risk! If I could get my hands on that tape, don't you realize the reds could have done the same?"

A tape. G covered his mouth in horror; suddenly everything was completely clear.

"Not only would it make us look like a bunch of decadent, perverted faggots," the Major continued, his voice rising to a bellow, "but adding insult to injury, it would look as if a NATO agent doesn't even know how to properly sweep a room for bugs!"

G's eyes filled with tears. The worst part was, he could see the Major's point. "I'm sorry, Major," he began earnestly, wringing his hands, "I'm so sorry..."

"Sorry isn't going to cut it!" The Major turned his back. "Get your prissy little ass out of this building and start packing. Your flight's at 15:27 tomorrow. And no, I'm not giving anyone here time off to say goodbye at the airport."

"...Yes, sir." G hung his head, pulling himself together a little. He wasn't surprised at all that the Major was so furious - finding out he'd been the star of a series of amateur gay sex tapes was possibly worse than being shot, to a man like the Major. More so, that one of his underlings was purchasing the videos for personal use.

His mascara was running a little by the time he made it to the elevator.

...No, I really can't give any more details - the Major might exile you too, if you were to find out about it.

Though I have to admit, Alaska isn't so terrible in the middle of summer. At least, in most parts of it. I haven't even had to wear a jacket this last week, much less a heavy coat or hat and gloves. I might have, if I'd been in the mood to wear a dress, but I haven't. Besides, from hearing the Americans' jokes, I think they might tolerate it even less than the Major.

At any rate, a warm sweater is fine, and there's no snow on the ground at the moment. That may change next week, they say, but it's been all blue skies since my arrival. The blue skies only seem to highlight how desolate Alaska is, however. Everything still seems very bleak.

I miss you all. Please let the others know I send my best. You're right that you probably shouldn't say anything to the Major about our correspondance, though. I hope that mission you mentioned in England is going well - and that my exile has worked some of the anger out of the Major's system, for the sake of the rest of you.

G really did hope so. The Major's mood was always so sour whenever they had to go to England, and he tended to take it out on his men. At least G had deserved it. He would have asked Z to offer his apologies to the Earl as well if they ran into each other (which he was sure they would, they always did), but perhaps it would be kinder not to say anything. The Earl may not know what G had to be sorry about, and he would no doubt have been embarrassed to find out.

Best regards, ex-Agent G

Meanwhile, in London, James was a little puzzled. Half the alphabet was running around as usual on these sorts of missions, to the point where he could have spelled any number of words just by looking around, but he hadn't caught a glimpse of G yet. And, well - he couldn't spell 'gullible' without G.

This morning, there was a brand new videotape in his pocket (well, brand new if you ignored the fact that he had acquired it at a video store and taped over the previous contents), all ready for another private screening. He was particularly proud of this one, too - in addition to some very nice sound layering, he'd also managed to figure out how to make one shot fade into another. Handy when you were shooting from multiple interesting angles and having trouble deciding which to use at a given moment. He thought it was a very sensual effect. G seemed to react most strongly to that sort of thing.

...He was kind of like the Earl in that way. If no other, James thought with a frown. It wasn't like he was replacing one blond curly-headed beauty with another. G was nowhere near the Earl's level - it was just that James was never one to turn down any form of payment from a client stupid enough to offer.

Among the various consonents scattered around the hotel lobby, James spotted a more familiar one, and stalked up behind B. "Hey, you."

B turned, and his eyes widened. Obviously he was not expecting to have James addressing him for any reason. "Where's the little hussy?" James asked. "Left him back in Germany?"

"Agent G?" B looked a little hesitant. "Er... Actually... The Major sent him to Alaska."

Even James himself was shocked at his reaction. "WHAT!"

"He said for... uhm... something about blackmail material," B explained, bewildered. "The Major didn't give us any details. And we don't have a replacement yet - the Major says that one is a drop in the bucket, and he's got more than enough trouble with just the twenty-five of us."

"Do I care about a replacement?" James snapped. This really wasn't good news at all. Who else did he know who he could rent these videotapes to, who could be trusted to keep quiet about them? Sometimes he wondered if Z might be interested, but even if he was, James suspected he'd tell the Major anyway, and then...

"He's not coming back," said an unfortunately familiar and dangerous voice behind him. "Find some other degenerate to 'do business with', if you can find someone else willing to lower themselves that much. It won't be among my men. Will it, Herr B?"

The startled look on B's face told James it was indeed exactly who he thought it was. "No, sir. No business being conducted here, sir!"

Something occurred to James suddenly. G had been sent to Alaska over 'blackmail material'. The Major knew he'd been conducting business with G. So that meant, James thought as he slowly turned to look up at the disgusted glare on the face of the much taller man...

Holding his jacket closed protectively, James fled. Not only was he probably due for a beating if he stayed, but even worse - the Major would destroy his new videotape! And that would be a tragedy, because that videotape was pure profit just waiting to happen.

Well, if he could find another interested party, James admitted to himself as he slammed the door to the hotel suite behind him, leaning against it to catch his breath from the quick flight. Finding another buyer might be a problem, though - his videos were for a very specific and discreet audience. Which was a problem, really - it limited the amount of income he'd be able to get for them. He wondered if the Earl could be persuaded to dress up and role-play with the Major; if they were both in disguise, he could sell the video to nearly anyone without fear of it causing a stir and his actions being found out!

His mind preoccupied by pondering costumes - could anyone, even his beloved Earl, get the maniac Major into a naughty schoolgirl outfit, he wondered? Maybe he'd better be the strict teacher, and Lord Gloria's hair could be put in pigtails - he didn't realize right away that he wasn't alone.

"What's the matter, Jamesie? Did you look at the restaurant's menu?" Emerging from the washroom, Dorian looked puzzled as he rubbed his damp hair with a towel. "I told you not to - it would only upset you."

"I did - and you'll be eating the things I packed," James told him firmly. "It's highway robbery. But no - m'lord, did you know that the Major sent Mr. G to Alaska?" he asked, his tone changing rather abruptly from stern to anxious.

Dorian's eyes widened. "He did? Oh dear... poor Mr. G. He's not cut out for such a place..." he murmured.

"Yes - a bear could eat him in two seconds flat," James agreed. Strange, Lord Gloria looked a little uncomfortable. "And you didn't know about it at all?"

"Not a bit," Dorian assured him with a frown. "Though... I believe I may have had something to do with it. It wasn't my intention at all..."

James was now thoroughly suspicious. "What did you do?"

"I, er..." Dorian looked quite flustered suddenly.

"What did you do?" James repeated.

"...I explained to him that you and G had been... involved." He fidgeted a little under James' intense glare. "...I showed him a video."

James' jaw dropped. "You didn't!"

Dorian nodded. "I did."

James was horrified. "For free?"

"No, not for free!" Dorian said hurriedly. "For blackmail purposes. Blackmailing him, not you or G," he added quickly, seeing the look on James' face. "Our last job? That statue you liked, with all the gilt? It wasn't in the agreement - he was going to turn us in if it turned up missing."

James was torn. Ransom from the statue with gilt? Or the income he was getting from G? It would have seemed that the way things had turned out would have been the better deal... But he wasn't so sure, thinking of how much he might have extorted out of his arrangement with the agent in the long term. And the fact that he was getting sex in addition to money...

Dorian's face turned somewhat more sympathetic as he beheld the crestfallen look. "Jamesie...?"

"How could you, m'lord!"

Dorian had steadily looked more and more uncomfortable, but now surprise suddenly dawned across his face. "James," he began, amazed, "do you actually... care for your Mr. G?"

James paused, and stared back. And calculated something that had nothing to do with numbers. So Dorian knew about that too, did he...?

"Yes, yes!" he exclaimed, covering his face as he began to sob piteously. "And you sold him out so easily! Do you know how much he admired you? We had that in common - both of us knew what it was to love someone like you, and never be loved in return. And now you throw him away, over a mere statue! You say you understand matters of the heart, but yours is... is like an old tarnished coin - once so beautiful, now thoroughly black!"

"Oh, Jamesie..." Dorian murmured, taken aback. "I had no idea..."

Still sobbing pathetically, James accepted Dorian's embrace when he opened his arms, snuggling against his infuriating lord. "And yet, like that coin, I - I still can't help but long for you, m'lord..."

"There, there," Dorian crooned, stroking his hair. "For heaven's sake, James - you're being more melodramatic and overwrought than even me at my best. Let me assure you, I never expected the Major to send G to Alaska. Actually, I thought he'd be too embarrassed to even say anything about it."

"You'd think so," James sniffled. "I saw that man earlier - I'm surprised he didn't kill me with the glare he gave me."

"Don't worry," Dorian told him with a fond smile. "If Mr. G means that much to you, I'll find a way to get him back. I promise. Let me talk to the Major, and we'll see what we can do."

"Thank you, m'lord... you don't know how much this means to me..." Especially since the Earl was letting him snuggle. To prove that he was earnest, though, something more must be offered... something painful. "...If you manage it, I'll... I'll even let you have dinner at the restaurant downstairs. Within reason."

"Reason has nothing to do with you, Jamesie. Or with true love - so perhaps you'll get on well."

He might be surprised, James thought as he snuggled a little closer. His ability to think quickly had actually helped in this situation. (Of course, it vaguely bothered James to think that he'd been able to come up with an explanation for his alleged love for G without having to think too hard at all...) And being able to overlook his passion for saving money for the sake of making a deal. A good deal, at that - G's return would certainly give him more than enough income to cover dinner at a restaurant.

"Nein! Absolutely not!"

Dorian sighed faintly. This was not going so easily as he'd hoped. "Not even as a personal favor to me?"

"Look," Klaus told him angrily, "we agreed at the outset that we would keep our professional lives separate from our personal lives. This is a professional matter, so personal favors will have no bearing."

"What was so terrible about what he did, anyway?"

"It wasn't just that video," Klaus grumbled. "It was long overdue. You can't possibly understand, openly running around with your band of merry men, but having a homosexual on our team - a transvestite, at that - is a tremendous liability. And moreover, getting involved with a well-known thief!"

Dorian said nothing, but simply arched an eyebrow and looked Klaus up and down - as they lay among a set of very rumpled bedsheets, both of them still naked. Getting a visit from Klaus at his own castle this afternoon had been a nice surprise.

Klaus gave him a look. "At least I am only making myself a target when we do this," he muttered.

"Yourself, and me."

"You said you didn't care about that."

"I don't - I can defend myself." Dorian reached out to play with his Major's hair casually. "You used to be so eager to remind me, though..."

"Because you don't have sense enough to take it seriously," Klaus replied, ignoring what Dorian was doing. "Besides, we were talking about G, and his lacking sense. The video you showed me proved that he was unable to measure up to our standards. If he's going to..." The Major still seemed to have trouble saying it. "...to do that, he should've at least thought to check the room for bugs."

Dorian couldn't help but chuckle. "What?" Klaus asked, sounding annoyed.

"Other than the stingy kind, you mean." That had not, of course, been what Dorian had found amusing, but he suspected the Major really would kill James if he ever found out that he'd been captured on tape well before G had.

"That one he was unfortunately well aware of," Klaus growled. "How the hell did that happen, anyway? The last I knew, they hated each other."

"It was never so much a hatred as a rivalry," Dorian mused, settling down more comfortably in the bed. "They both wanted me - hopelessly. It's not the first time I've been at the center of something like this."

"You're very modest."

"I only speak the truth, and you know it. And you can't blame them, because you want me too - and your standards are ridiculously high."

"Or so I used to believe."

"Don't you dare start brooding," said Dorian, hearing the telltale sulky note in his Major's voice, "or I'll have to distract you again."

"You make it sound as if you believe that to be a threat." Klaus met his eyes. "It hasn't been for some time now."

Dorian looked back coolly, hiding his pleasure at the words. They were as close to an admission of desire as the Major ever had made. "Most of the time you still act as if it is," he said lightly. "Anyhow, G and James - both small and slight and absolutely adorable in women's clothing, both high-strung and stubborn, prone to fits of jealousy, both madly in love with me-" Klaus interrupted with a snort, but Dorian ignored it. "They have more in common than anything else. I expect that what happened was that with the object of their rivalry removed - that being me-"

"You like saying that, don't you?

"You noticed!" Dorian poked him in the ribs playfully. "As I was saying, with their objective out of the picture, the two of them took comfort in each other, realizing how similar they really were."

"Ridiculous. They hated each other."

"So did we."

Klaus sighed as Dorian rolled over, dropping an arm over his waist. "I never said I don't still."

"Neither did I." Dorian snuggled closer, his lips caressing the shoulder of his frustrating Major. "You can feel more than one thing at a time," he murmured between kisses, working his way up to Klaus' neck. "And besides, passionate love and passionate hate are two sides of the same coin."

"That explains it all, then," Klaus muttered in response, his voice sounding just a bit distracted as he tangled his fingers in Dorian's hair. "If there's a coin involved, of course your stingy accountant is going to grab it and hold onto it."

Dorian laughed, his voice low and husky. "To think that I once believed you incapable of humor," he drawled, propping himself up atop Klaus to kiss him on the mouth. He was going to say more, but Klaus was kissing him back rather enthusiastically - and then he was enjoying himself too much to remember what he'd been about to say.

Before they'd distracted each other too much for words, however, Dorian felt that he should ask again. "So now that we have a possible explanation," he murmured, "would you reconsider and bring G home?"

Klaus didn't skip a beat. "No."

Dorian drew back, staring at him in annoyed disbelief. After a moment, he started to get up. "I suppose you should be getting back. No doubt you'll be flying home to Germany immediately, now that the job has been finished."

"Dorian..." Klaus sounded frustrated in multiple ways, and pushed himself up to lean on one arm. "If you're trying to coerce me by... withholding, it won't work."

"Not at all," Dorian replied, reaching for his shirt - and doing so as gracefully and sinuously as he could, at that. "If that sort of coersion were to unexpectedly work, that would be nice - but no. I'm withholding, as you put it, because you're being cruel and it makes me angry."

"You effeminate fop," Klaus grumbled. Not that the insult came off nearly as insulting as it would have a year before, Dorian noted with satisfaction. "I'm not changing my mind."

"All right." Dorian nonchalantly tossed him his underwear. "Then you should be getting dressed too."

Klaus scowled, but moved to sit at the edge of the bed to put them on. "Why must you be so obnoxious?"

"And endearing. Sides of the same coin, my dear Major."

"For the record," Klaus stated, reaching for his trousers, "I'm not leaving England right away. I got a call early this morning - even though the mission's over, I have to stick around for a couple of days and wait for some package that needs to go to headquarters. As if I'm their personal courier," he growled.

"Oh, good - then you'll have plenty of time during which to decide you're bored enough to put up with my hanging about." Dorian shot him a look of his own. "And perhaps to agree to be a little less cruel."

"Hmph. I'm not that desperate." Klaus met his look evenly. "You're the one whose libido is out of control - you'll probably forget all about this scheme of yours five minutes after showing up to taunt me."

"We'll see about that..."

"Just as I expected, comrade." Concealed within a thick cluster of bushes, the motion of the binoculars, as they turned to follow the Benz down the private road from Castle Gloria, would have barely been visible even to one who knew where to look. "Confirmed now, without a shadow of a doubt. Iron Klaus is in the country - he paid a visit to Eroica. He didn't look pleased when he came outside, either."

The man hiding in the bushes waited, listening to the response from his associate over the communications headset. "No, his hands were empty. Unless someone transferred them to his vehicle while he was inside, but I saw no one." It seemed unlikely to the man that the British government would use Eroica anyhow. The thief's only known allegiance to any sort of legitimate agency was NATO - and even then, it was only to Eberbach himself. The educated guess that Eberbach might contact Eroica while in England, however, had proven correct.

"Other operatives have been positioned nearby," the man reported after another pause. "Once he returns to a busy road, a series of drivers will be positioning and repositioning themselves based on the path he takes, to follow wherever he may be going, one after another to avoid the suspicion of one vehicle tailing him the entire way." Another pause. "Thank you, I thought it was brilliant myself."

The man smiled grimly. "He won't leave our sight, comrade. We'll soon recover the evidence."