How Fry Saved Xmas
Phillip Fry sat contentedly in the lounge of the Planet Express building, watching tv with his best friend Bender. It was a cold and snowy December afternoon in New New York, and Fry was thankful for a thousand years worth of steady advancement in the field of indoor heating. Somewhere in the distance someone was playing Xmas carols, but the sound of the television drowned most of it out. An occasional crash and string of Cantonese cursing announced that Amy and Leela had finally gotten around to putting up decorations in the smelloscope room. Fry knew that it was only a matter of time before one of them noticed that he and Bender were slacking off and pressed them into service. Until then Fry intended to do as much of nothing as he possibly could, without working too hard at it of course. Bender flipped through the channels without much enthusiasm, finally settling on the Channel Root Two News. Morbo's familiar green face appeared on the screen accompanied by a microphone and earmuffs. The snow was coming down so hard that he was beginning to look more like Xmas legend's Frosty the Bionic Snowman than a hideous alien monster.
"Well Linda," Morbo was saying, "the snow continues to fall here at Madison Cube Garden." A clip of a man throwing dice appeared at the top right corner of the screen. "Top forecasters are predicting a blizzard that could destroy all life on this puny planet. Morbo's only regret is that nothing will be left for my race to obliterate when our mighty space fleet arrives to claim its conquest. We will smash you! Back to you Linda."
The view switched to the inside of the Root Two news station's glass enclosed nerve center. Linda, an attractive blonde human female, sat at the newsdesk. "Heh heh heh," she chuckled, "thanks Morbo. In other news…"
Linda's cheery voice was cut off with the jab of a finger to the television's power button. Leela had discovered her lazy coworkers.
"Fry; Bender, get off your asses and help me decorate the tree. I shouldn't have to do it by myself, and Amy can't help since she's not allowed near the rocket packs anymore." Last year Amy's clumsiness had led to ten thousand dollars in non tax-dedutable damages while she was strapped to one of the devices. Ever since then the intern was banned from even being in the same room with them.
"Screw you meatbag. Xmas decorations are for you gushy mammals." That was Bender of course.
Leela had learned long ago that arguing with her two friends while they were safely on the couch was a waste of energy. There was a much simpler way to get what she wanted. The PE captain rolled her eye and walked behind the relaxing duo. She pulled upward on the sofa's backside, sending Fry and Bender tumbling to the ground. Now that they were in a suitably vulnerable position, simply towering over them and glaring was guaranteed to intimidate them into doing whatever she wanted. The robot and the delivery boy responded to their captain's glare with a mix of resignation and fear. They got up and shuffled out of the room amongst a series of unintelligible grumbling.
It took a moment for Leela to notice what was wrong. "Hey you two, get back in here! The smelloscope room is in the other direction!"
No matter how many times Fry celebrated Xmas in the 31st century he could just never quite get used to the fact that pine trees had gone extinct. Palm trees were just somehow not up to par with the blue spruces that he was used to from his childhood. Still, as he partook in the age old tradition of untangling Xmas tree lights while hovering ten feet in the air, Fry had to admit that the palm tree in the PE building's smelloscope room was starting to look a lot like Xmas.
The voice of Hermes Conrad boomed out of the loudspeaker that was, of course, mounted in the ceiling right above Fry's head. Fry's hands instinctually went to his ears, which shifted his center of gravity just enough that his rocket pack sent him careening around the room. He finally came to a none-too-gentle stop at the far wall and slid down to the floor.
"Listen up people, da professor has a package that needs deliverin'. Everybody come down to da briefing room immediately."
Bender nudged Leela in the side. "I bet you ten bucks it's another suicide mission"
Leela rolled her eye. "Oh please, Bender. This is the professor we're talking about here. Of course it's a suicide mission."
Planet Express' founder and ceo, Professor Hubert Farnsworth, sat in the company briefing room fiddling with the holoprojector's controls. One by one his crew filtered in and took their places around the table. First came Bender and Leela, followed shortly thereafter by a still-dazed Fry. Amy walked in a few moments later, desperately trying to disentangle herself from a hopeless knot of Xmas tree lights. Hermes re-emerged from his office, where he had gone to retrieve a few papers. Zoidberg was the last to appear. His white medical garb was stained with something vaguely yellow. It would be better not to think too hard about what the blemish could be.
When everyone had been seated, the professor climbed carefully to his feet. Thankfully no bones broke this time.
"Good news everyone!"
Bender leaned over to whisper in Leela's ear. "Aww crap, he said it. Looks like we were right about the mission."
Farnsworth continued to speak. "Today you will be delivering a load of lead paperweights to the planet Auriga IV."
Little alarm bells were going off all over Leela's consciousness. This mission seemed suspiciously harmless, and everyone knew that the missions that started out seemingly harmless invariably became the most suicidal. It would be crucial to listen carefully to Farnsworth's every word. Danger lurked behind each syllable.
A three dimensional representation of the ship's future flight path swirled into being in the air above the conference table. The cyclops quickly scanned the image for some key words. None of the locations on the map contained 'pain', 'terror', 'evil', or 'of no return' in their titles. Leela thought to herself. "So the cargo and the route aren't dangerous… That leaves the planet."
Amy looked up from the desperate battle of wits between herself and a particularly fearsome knot. "Auriga IV… I think I've heard that name somewhere before. Isn't it some tiny little planet in the middle of nowhere?"
"Indeed Amy. In fact, Auriga IV is the official capital of the entire Nowhere Quadrant, oh my yes…"
By this point Leela was starting to get really worried. No obvious danger was a sure sign of impending doom. "Umm, professor? Don't get me wrong, but this mission seems unusually, well, survivable. Is there something you're not telling us?"
Farnsworth dismissed the cyclops' question with a wave of the hand. "Oh fuff", he said, "There'll be plenty of time for suicidal missions after Xmas. Now off you go!"
Leela always liked flying through space during this time of year. The stars were like tiny glowing snowflakes, falling forever through an ocean of night. She could almost pretend that she was sitting at home with her parents on Xmas Morning, watching the first nor'easter of the season from the comfort and warmth of her parents' penthouse apartment. Leela sighed. That was just one more pleasant memory that, as an orphan, she had never had the chance to have. Her gaze shifted from the hypnotic dance of the star-snowflakes and wandered aimlessly about the cabin, finally settling on the other two people that were with her on the bridge. Bender was splayed out on the couch with booze stains running down his chassis. Evidently he'd lost the latest drinking contest with the ship's autopilot. As the PE captain watched, Fry carefully maneuvered Bender's right hand into a bowl filled with warm water. The delivery boy noticed that his captain was watching him, and winked at her. Leela rolled her eye. She couldn't decide whether to be more annoyed at the childishness of the prank or the sheer stupidity required to try it on a robot. Finally she decided to just bottle up the annoyance with all of her other emotional baggage so that it could form properly into a brain tumor. "Well, they may all be morons, but at least they're my friends." And in retrospect, Leela had to admit that she couldn't possibly ask for better ones than Fry and Bender. They might not be the galaxy's most sophisticated or mature beings, but they could always be counted on to be there when she needed them. "And isn't that all a family really is?", she reasoned to herself, "a bunch of people that are there for you when you need them the most?" Again the Cyclops sighed as the deeply sarcastic part of herself answered the rhetorical question unbidden. "No", it sneered, "that is what they call a crisis hot line."
Auriga IV hung in space like a green and blue Xmas tree ornament. It was a tiny little class M world in the very middle of the Nowhere Quadrant. One moon circled high above the white cloud tops, which partially obscured an even mix of land and water. There were two large continents, each an unexciting mass of low rolling wooded hills and large open plains. Even Fry would have agreed that the place was remarkably unremarkable.
The Planet Express Ship touched down at the planet's sole spaceport, if spaceport it could be called. In reality it was just a large concrete slab with a few squat buildings scattered around. No other ship was to be seen. In fact, if it weren't for the three people in business suits that were slowly making their way towards the ship, Leela would have begun to wonder if she had landed in the wrong place.
Leela ordered Fry and Bender to unload the ship while she dealt with the welcoming committee. Bender, lacking a proper guilt simulator, but benefiting from a state of the art slack-off processor, lit a cigar and watched his best friend toil under the weight of box after box of the heavy cargo.
Eventually the three approaching forms made it to the Planet Express Ship. Leela gave them a quick wave as she descended from her ship's undercarriage to show that she was the one in charge, and the lead figure returned the gesture. The PE captain's eye did a habitual quick scan of the three people that faced her on the tarmac. They were humans; two males, one female. All were dressed in standard business attire, uniformly and boringly gray.
The taller of the two men, the one who had waved a moment earlier, stepped forward to speak. "Welcome to Auriga IV! My name is John Peterson, and this is Patrick Costello and Kelly Brockheimer. We represent the Aurigan Department of Imports and Exports. Since we were only expecting one ship today, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you're captain Leela, of the… uhh what is the name of your ship again?"
"It, umm, doesn't really have a name… We just call it the Planet Express Ship." In reality, the professor had intentionally never given his ship a name so that he would never have to worry about forgetting it. "But, yes, I'm Captain Leela. My two coworkers and I have a shipment of paperweights to deliver."
Costello, the man to Peterson's right, spoke up. "Ahh yes, the long awaited paperweights. Ever since the Ferrocian paperweight factory mysteriously exploded back in 2996 our economy has been at a standstill. We tried using rocks as a substitute, but business just can't carry on without a good supply of paperweights."
"Oh, that is so tragic! I hope this shipment will be enough for your people to get back on their feet." Leela couldn't imagine the hardships these people must have gone through. Life without whimsically designed chunks of lead to sit on top of your papers? The idea boggled the mind.
This time Kelly was the one to speak. "I'm sure…" The sound of the ship's cargo elevator descending from the vessel's underbelly momentarily distracted the woman. "I mean, I'm sure it will be more than enough to get us back on track. We are all very grateful for your help." The words were said with real kindness and sincerity. Leela found herself liking these people immensely, something that rarely happened during a mission for some reason. "Probably because the professor sends us to horrible places like Cannibalon or Influenzia.", she thought to herself.
The cargo elevator touched down on the tarmac with a teeth-wrenching crunch. On the platform was a veritable mountain of boxes. Fry sat hunched over the pile, wheezing for breath. Bender was nonchalantly leaning against one of the chains that supported the platform, still working diligently on his cigar. The three inspectors immediately walked over to the cargo, eager to inspect the goods. Leela gestured for Bender to pry open one of the containers. Bender grumbled for a few moments, but fear of pain finally got him to put out his stogy and rip off a lid. The Ferrocians bent over the box in awe. "They're so… beautiful!", exclaimed Patrick. Bender leaned over to whisper into Fry's ear: "What, are these skinbags, morons? I'm 40 percent lead, and you don't see them drooling all over me." Fry whispered back: "But Bender, you're 40 percent everything."
Costello and Brockheimer helped Bender and Fry move the boxes off of the elevator while Peterson and Leela dealt with the paperwork. In a matter of minutes, everything was in order, and the PE crew was saying their goodbyes. It had been a remarkably successful mission. Leela couldn't remember the last time that she had made a delivery without a single shot being fired.
"Thanks again for the paperweights. Our society owes all three of you a debt of gratitude." Peterson shook each PE crewman's hand in turn.
Fry gave him a salute and said dramatically. "All in a day's work sir."
Leela rolled her eye and gestured for her two coworkers to follow her to the cargo elevator. She waved one last time and pushed the button that would haul the platform back onto the ship, wondering again at this perfect delivery. Moments before the platform clanged shut, Fry bent down on all fours and yelled through the diminishing crack in the floor: "Merry Xmas!"
Leela sat cross-legged in the corner of the tiny cell, staring blindly into her lap. Fry and Bender were on the opposite side of the room, betting on how their captain would manage to spring them loose this time. Leela knew that It didn't make sense for her to be mad at Fry. After all, how the hell was he supposed to know that Xmas was outlawed on this hellhole of a planet? Still, she couldn't help it if she harbored a little irrational malice at the delivery boy for once again landing the entire crew in prison. "And after such a by the books delivery too! For once in my life I was going to go an entire day without something going horribly wrong, but nooo…" Leela sighed deeply.
All Fry had done was wish a few people a merry Xmas, but the response was more what Leela would have expected from a terrorist threat. The three Aurigans, who had been so friendly a moment before, ran off screaming as though their lives depended on it, while a veritable cloud of police craft descended on the PE crew. There really had only been two feasible choices: quietly surrender, or be vaporized where they sat. Leela decided, after much thought, to go with option one. Fry, Leela, and Bender walked out of the cockpit with their hands above their head, and slowly made their way down to the tarmac. They were cuffed at gunpoint and carted off to jail for the crime of mentioning Xmas in a public place.
Eventually a prison guard walked up to the cell and opened the door. He waited for a few of his heavily armed buddies to arrive, and then pointed to Leela and Bender. "Since we can't find any evidence that you two were involved in any kind of Xmas related conspiracy, you're free to go. You, on the other hand," the man scowled at Fry as if the poor delivery boy had committed some kind of heinous crime, "will rot here in prison until your trial date." The two suddenly free PE crewmembers were manhandled out of the cell before they had a chance to react. They were half led, half dragged down a short hall and through a metal door. Just before the door clanged to, Leela heard a terrified Fry call her name. "Don't worry Fry," she muttered under her breath, "I'll be back."
Fry sat dejectedly in his little concrete cell. This was not the first time he'd been thrown in the clink for some oddball crime that he accidentally committed, but he still found it frightening to be locked up all by himself. Usually, when this kind of thing happened, his two friends were stuck there with him until Leela managed to break them out.
A guard came by and shoved a bowl of ambiguous gray substance through the space between the bars and the floor. The delivery boy gave it an experimental sniff. It smelled absolutely delicious, so Fry began shoveling it into his mouth. "Oh man, this is so good! It tastes just like that green goop I found on the professor's lab table next to that bottle decorated like a pirate flag." A bit of mystery-goop splattered to the floor and started to corrode the cement.
His meal complete, Fry leaned back against the wall and tried to take a nap. "What a lousy place this is.", thought Fry, " Even the Roche Motel in Saturn's rings gives you a concrete slap to lay on, and that place is run by roaches!"
Time passed. When sleep didn't come, Fry's mind began to wander. As always, it eventually ended up on the subject of Leela. "I wonder what she's doing right now?", he wondered. "Probably thinking of a way to save my ass, like usual." The delivery boy smiled. It always made him feel better to picture Leela beating the crap out of a few dozen of his enemies simultaneously. "I bet she uses Bender to bend open that door over there, then does one of those flying kick things to the guy that's standing guard. Then she'll steal his key and bust me out so we can quietly sneak away. No one will even know I escap…"
Part of the ceiling and the entire back wall crumpled inward with a deafening crash. The nose of the PE ship plowed through the hole and came to a screeching halt tilted sideways at a 20 degree angle. Fry was too terrified to react when the ship's nose gear / forward entrance came down a moment later, so Bender was forced to disembark and haul the delivery boy's stunned ass aboard. Moments later the landing gear went up and The Planet Express Ship screamed skyward unchallenged..
"What the hell were you trying to do, kill me!" Fry was absolutely irate, though he didn't even know that such a term existed in the English language. "You almost ran me over with the ship! It's a good thing I was on the other side of the room, or my guts would've been spread around that jail cell like soylent green on toast!"
Leela was sitting in the pilot's seat, busily pressing buttons. Fry couldn't see her do it from his position behind her, but some sense still knew that she was rolling her eye. "Oh please Fry, stop overreacting.", she shot back, without turning around in her seat. "There wasn't enough time for some complicated plan so I tried something the easiest thing I could come up with. Anyway, you're fine and we got away. That's all that matters."
Bender, who had been listening to the conversation from across the bridge, swiveled his chair to face Fry. "What captain depth perception over there means is, she crashed the ship into the prison because she can't tell a mile from a meter, and she's really, really sorry."
The Cyclops shot Bender an acid glare. That damned robot got far too much pleasure out of making her seem imperfect in front of Fry. Not that she was terrified of making a mistake that would diminish the delivery boy's faith and devotion to her of course… Leela clamped down on the little voice in the back of her mind before it could argue.
Fry stopped massaging a bruised knee long enough to look out the window. "Wait a minute! Where are we going? Why do I see stars?"
"Well meatbag, my guess is that it's either because we've been in space for the last 30 seconds, or you hit your head when Leela tried to flatten you with the ship."
"But we can't leave the planet!"
Bender and Leela turned to face him. "Why not?", asked Leela. She sure as hell couldn't think of a reason.
"Because if we leave now, that whole planet is never going to know what it's like to have an Xmas. Think about it. They've outlawed the entire holiday. That means no Xmas trees, no caroling, no presents, no feeling of togetherness… Its awful!"
"And none of our business.", finished Bender.
"Sure it is! Xmas is all about helping your fellow man right? Well those people need help and we're the only ones around to do it."
"Bullcrap" Bender retorted, with a dismissive wave of the hand.
Leela cocked her head sideways and just looked at Fry for a minute. "No Bender, hold on. You know what Fry," she said thoughtfully, "you're absolutely right."
Bender and Fry exchanged surprised glances. "I am?" If so, it was a special occasion worthy of celebration, and Fry wanted to make sure he'd heard correctly.
"Yes. Yes you are. They threw us all in jail just for wishing them a Merry Xmas. What kind of sick culture bans Xmas anyway? I think its time we teach those Aurigans what Xmas is all about."
"What the hell has gotten into you grease sacks anyway? Don't you remember the last time we tried to save Xmas? My chassis still has dents. There is no way in hell I'm going to be a part of this, no matter what Leela threatens to do to me." Leela walked across the bridge and whispered in the robot's ear. Technically robots' faces couldn't go pale, but Bender's some how managed to nonetheless. "Umm, heh, what I meant to say was, I'll lead the way!"
"So, umm, what are we doing on Uranus again?"
Fry, Leela, and Bender stood at their ship's airlock, gazing out at a bleak landscape of ice and frozen hydrocarbons. Mounds of ancient human refuse raised their mangled heads at regular intervals. The temperature was slightly chilly for a midsummer day, barely creeping above 59 degrees. Fry idly wondered what that would be in Fahrenheit and Celsius.
Leela groaned in frustration. This was at least the fifth time that he had asked that question. "Fry, for the last time, its pronounced Urectum, not Uranus, and we're here to pick up some free toys."
"And why are we looking for toys here?"
The PE captain turned around and was about to tell her friend what an absolute moron he was, until she remembered that he had no reason to know the answer to that. He'd only lived in the future for a couple of years now, and the topic of Urectum came up rarely in everyday life. Terrible, tragic things had happened in this place, and in general its name was not to be mentioned in public. The topic of Urectum was a private matter, usually discussed with your friends and family, if at all.
"Oh, I'm sorry Fry, I guess no one's ever told you. In the year 2873 the Earthican government set aside part of Planet Urectum for the storage and recycling of things that break or aren't wanted anymore. You can find anything here: hovercars, kitchen appliances, spaceship parts…"
"the ghosts of my ancestors…" added a very nervous Bender upon observing a small mountain of broken down, deactivated robots
Fry tried again. "And why are we looking for toys here?"
"Because all the junk that people toss out eventually comes to Urectum to wait for recycling. We can't ask the Neptunian elves to help us since Santa would find out and kill us all, so we have to try our luck here. There's bound to be a pile of old toys around somewhere."
"But that could take forever! There must be… " Fry counted his fingers a few times. "There must be a kajillion piles of trash out there!"
Leela smiled. "More like five thousand, but that's why we went home to pick up Dr. Zoidberg."
"Trash! Did somebody say piles of trash?" A giant red lobster burst out of the Planet Express Ship like a cork from a bottle of champagne. "Oh joy! What a day this is! Tonight Zoidberg will eat like a king!"
"Hold on Zoidberg, you remember the deal. First you find what we want, and then you can do whatever you want." "Just don't think you're getting back on my ship afterwards", Leela muttered under her breath.
Zoidberg let out a warble that no human throat could match, and was gone. Fry wondered what the chances were that any of them would ever see the Decapodian again.
The PE crew only had an hour's wait before there was a knock on the hull. When Leela opened the hatch however, she was surprised to see not one, but two figures outside in the snow. One was a vaguely familiar, overweight human male dressed in greasy jeans and a buggalo-leather jacket, and the other was Dr. Zoidberg. The human had the Decapodian by the throat.
"Does this belongs to yous-s?" the man called to the three people standing in the hatchway.
Although Leela was captain and therefore had the right to the first word, Fry was the one to speak. It was quite possible that Fry was the only person in the entire universe that didn't intensely dislike the alien doctor, and he knew that Bender and Leela would gladly use this chance to get rid of the Decapodian if they could. "Yeah he's ours."
"Well yous should keep better tracks of yous's things." The hand was removed from Zoidberg's neck, and the Decapodian made a beeline for the ship. No amount of free garbage would entice him to emerge again until he was back on Earth. "And furthermores", the man continued, "Yous's lucky I'm so lazy, or I'd writes you all up for trespassings."
"Uhh, so you caught Dr. Z and dragged him all the way back here, but you're too lazy to.."
Leela elbowed Fry in the ribs before he could finish that thought. "He's so sweet, but lord what a moron.", she grumbled to herself.
"What my friend here means to say is, we're with that one charity, you know, uhh, Help for Starving Abandoned Children with Terminal Diseases, or something like that. We're looking for some old abandoned toys that we can give to six year olds with sonic diarrhea, do you know where we can find some?" Leela desperately hoped that this man would be too stupid to too lazy to see through the load of bullcrap she'd just laid down.
"Well whys didn't you says sos?" The man's face brightened, and he pointed off toward the ship's bow. "There's a whole pile of thems over theres. Helps yourselves, but don't excpects me to helps yous."
Leela thanked the man and half gestured, half shoved her friends back into the ship. It only took a few minutes' flight to find what they had been looking for. Leela put the ship into hover over the mound and yanked a lever near her left knee. A giant net deployed from under the PE ship's fuselage and settled lazily over the pile below. The Cyclops pushed a button. The mouth of the net closed, taking a good many cubic feet of toys with it. For what seemed like the hundredth time Leela found herself marveling at the usefulness of a starship mounted giraffe net.
And so, after a trip to a 711 convenience store for wrapping paper and tape, the PE crew once again found themselves on the surface of Auriga IV. This time however, it was Xmas Eve and there was a different kind of delivery to be made. No physical goods would change hands. No money would be collected. No, this delivery would be in the form of a message; a message of tenderness, love, and peace. Fry and Leela were determined to complete this Xmas time delivery, even if they had to use force.
The plan was pretty simple. Fry and Leela would stay with the ship and wrap presents, hidden deep in the cover of a palm forest, while Bender delivered presents. It took a bit of coaxing to get Bender to fulfill his part, what with Santa Claus threatening to kill him were he ever to catch bender delivering presents, but Leela finally convinced Bender's self preservation unit that she was much more dire a threat than murderous old robot Saint Nick.
There weren't nearly enough gifts for every house on the planet of course, so the PE crew would have to be content with spreading their Xmas time cheer to a single small town. Leela had had the foresight to pick an Aurigan time zone that was running more than half a day ahead of New New York City back on Earth. The hope was that they'd be done in a couple of hours, and home with plenty of time to spare before Santa Claus's customary killing spree made being outside tantamount to suicide.
Things started off smoothly, as they often did. Bender crept down the silent streets with his load. One by one he snuck, broke, and bent his way into houses, making less noise than the moon shadows that he cast ahead of him. At each residence he left a few presents where they would be easily seen. He took only enough swag to generate a minor profit, never relieving a family of more than half of its valuables. Unfortunately, at house number twenty-six, Bender tripped a pressure alarm while bending the cover off of the family safe.
Leela couldn't believe it. She was in court on Xmas eve, and if she didn't get home soon, these xenophobic Aurigan assholes would make her miss Xmas entirely. "Somebody's ass is getting kicked for this.", she silently promised herself. She began scanning the room for good targets, and then suddenly remembered that she, as well as her crew, were presently handcuffed to a bench. The ass-kickings would have to wait.
Bender had tried running from the cops of course, but the weight of his booty had slowed him down just a little too much. It only took a few seconds of the 'magnet treatment' to get him to spill the beans on his friends' positions. When the SWAT team arrived at the PE ship minutes later, they were met with no resistance; that is, until they actually boarded the ship. What had seemed a harmless purple-haired alien became an almost unstoppable maelstrom of pain and destruction. A large percentage of the invading force found itself sprawled randomly about the PE ship's bridge before Leela was finally overwhelmed. Fry fought alongside his captain of course, though his hand to hand skills were mediocre at best.
Once they had been captured, the three PE crewmembers were hauled back to the same jail that they'd so recently tried to demolish, but they were not kept there for long. Leela couldn't decide whether they had been judged such high a risk that they needed to be tried right away, or if the Aurigan justice system simply didn't have much to do at the moment. Either way, Fry, Leela, and Bender soon found themselves pleading their case in an Aurigan district court.
Unfortunately, since Auriga IV was not part of the DOOP, it was not held to any standards of law and justice. In cases as serious as open celebration of the Xmas holiday, there would be no defense and no jury. The judge would simply hear the evidence that was to be presented and then make his decision. Some might call the practice unfair, but none would argue its effectiveness in preventing crime. Also, those who were caught criticizing the system were stoned on the spot.
There was a commotion in the courtroom. The PE crew turned their heads around just in time to see the room's rear door creak open.
In walked a tall, severe looking human with an even severer expression on his face. His white hair stood out starkly against his traditional black judicial robes. Fry doubted there had ever been a person to more closely fit the stereotypical image of a judge. "All rise for the honorable judge Theysall Gunnahang.", called the Bailiff.
The judge took his seat and banged the gavel, brandishing it as though it were a sledgehammer. His eyes inspected each of the defendants in turn; first Leela, then Bender, and finally Fry. The cyclops with the purple hair was obviously the ringleader. She was cool and collected, and her eye openly challenged the old man's penetrating stare. He smiled to himself. "Well missy", he thought, "we'll see how high and mighty you are when I'm through with you."
Clearing his throat, the judge began to address the defendants. "You three have been charged with committing one of the worst crimes imaginable, bringing Xmas to Auriga IV" A low murmur filled the courtroom. It was quickly silenced by the gavel. "In such cases, you forfeit your right to a defense, and to a jury."
Bender leaned over and whispered in Fry's ear. "In other words, we are royally boned."
Gunnahang continued: "Evidence will be brought against you by our top prosecuting attorney until I have decided that you are guilty. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty your honor." Leela stood up to address the courtroom. "We are outsiders here, and we had no way to know that celebrating Xmas was illegal."
"Your honor, it is common knowledge that ignorance is not an excuse.", retorted the prosecutor. Though small and vaguely weaselish in shape, this man's skill was not to be underestimated. Leela had heard him boasting earlier that he was a senior partner in the universe renowned law firm, Burnum and Leavum,
"The prosecution is correct, lack of knowledge of a law does not excuse you from the consequences of violating it. Now that we have established your guilt, let us hear how guilty you are. Will the prosecution please give an account of the events of earlier this evening?"
"Of course your honor. While responding to a report of a break in at 4683 Dellaney Avenue, defendant Bender Bending Rodriquez was caught red handed with a sack of toys, as well as fourteen thousand dollars worth of stolen property." A collective gasp from the audience filled the room. "Some minor, err, encouragement persuaded the robot to take us to his hideout where defendants Phillip J. Fry and Turanga Leela were apprehended amidst a pile of wrapping paper, tape, and those little paper tags that say 'from Santa'." There was another collective gasp. One particularly distraught woman began to sob quietly.
Leela had had enough. "Now hold on a minute. Would someone please tell me why any of this is a crime, I mean besides the part where Bender stole everyone's most prized possessions? What the hell can you people possibly have against Xmas!"
Judge Theysall thought for a moment and then nodded. "I suppose in this case it is appropriate for an explanation." His eyes scanned the room. "Court historian?"
A greenish female of the same species as the Planet Express crew's good friend Kif Kroker rose to her feet. "Yes your honor?"
"Please enlighten the court as to the events that led to the prohibition of the Xmas holiday."
The woman looked confused. "But your honor, I'm a court historian, not the regular kind. I don't know anything about history."
"I said tell us the story of Xmas!"
"Uhh, yes sir, your honor." When her camouflage reflex, which responded to fear as well as embarrassment, settled down, the court historian began to speak. "In uhh, sometime in the 2800's, the frien-"
"2801!" interrupted Fry.
"Oh, umm yes. I mean, as I was saying, in 2801 the friendly robot company built a robotic Santa Claus to judge whether the Earth's population had been naughty or nice.
Unfortunately, Santa's standards became too high. Ever since then, Robotic Santa Claus has turned Xmas into a day of pure evil wherever the holiday is observed, and prompting our government to outlaw it completely."
Leela smiled to herself. She had an opening. "Ahh, but that is not the whole story of Xmas. Way back in the stupid ages, Xmas was a time of peace and friendship; a coming together of humanity. Even Santa Claus was a harmless feel good symbol. There are some that say he didn't even exist until we built him ourselves."
Fry whispered urgently in his captain's ear. "Don't say Santa isn't real! Do you want him to give us all lumps of coal for Xmas!"
Leela just rolled her eye "Anyway, like I was saying, there's no reason to fear Xmas, or to forbid it."
"But Santa Claus…" began the prosecutor. Leela shook her head angrily. Why did these people insist on missing the point?
"Is unimportant!" Leela finished her rival's sentence. "The message that Xmas tries to spread is of love and joy, not terror and darkness!" Leela looked around the courtroom, challenging anyone that would meet her gaze. Few did. "Now tell me, can you really forbid the practice of a holiday that stresses love and fellowship with your brothers and sisters simply out of fear for one genocidal robot?"
There was silence in the courtroom. Judge Gunnahang sat with his head resting on his fist. The old man was staring at Leela, or more accurately, right through Leela. At last, after what seemed like an eternity of silence, the judge came back from whatever mental realm he had been visiting. He had thought long and hard, and come to his decision.
"Turanga Leela, your bold words have opened my eyes."
"Then you're letting us go?" Fry asked hopefully
"Hell no." The gavel came down hard. "I just meant that I was falling asleep, and captain Leela woke me up. Anyway, since you've all clearly been brainwashed by Santa Claus, I hereby find you all…GUILTY!" Fry gulped loudly. "You are hereby sentenced to an eternity of hard labor on Karnlock, the smallest moon of Auriga IV!"
Fry perked up. "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."
Leela rolled her eye. "It means forever Fry."
"Oh… damn…."
Court was adjourned. The judge made a few closing remarks and walked out the door. The crowd that had been watching the sham of a trial started to disperse, content that there distorted ideas of law and order had once again been upheld. Leela slowly and carefully worked her way out of the wrist restraints, a skill she had picked up from Bender. Now she would be ready for, well, that part hadn't been quite worked out yet. There was security all around, and it would probably be suicide to just make a break for it. Then again, if she didn't try something soon, they might get stuck somewhere where that probably became a definitely.
Fry turned to look at her. He had seen her work her way free, but had (miraculously) had the good sense to not to do anything that would call attention to it. Now he gave her a quizzical look, silently asking her how she was going to rescue them all. She gave him a confident smile and hoped he couldn't see through to her worried interior. She didn't have the heart to tell him what she knew, that it would take some kind of Xmas miracle to spring them free this time.
The wall exploded inward with a crunch. In flew the most unlikely person of all, a jolly looking fellow riding a reindeer driven sleigh, and wearing a red had and coat. Pandemonium ensued.
The few remaining guards and members of the audience bolted from the room as though death itself had wandered into the room. And indeed it had.
"Ho. Ho. Ho." Roared the robotic Santa Claus, his eyes rolling 180 degrees as he exited nice mode and loaded naughty mode. "What have we here? If it isn't Fry, Leela, and Bender. You've all been very naughty."
"Santa Claus! What the hell are you doing here! Screeched Fry. He was pretty sure that he didn't want to know the answer.
"You three were next on my list. You don't really think you're safe if you leave Earth do you? Whuahohohoho! No, the naughty aren't safe anywhere"
"Stick a candy cane in it" Leela retorted. Though her friends were both shaking like leaves in a Martian sandstorm, the PE captain was unfazed. She had survived two encounters with Santa Claus already, and she aimed to make that number three.
The giant robot just laughed at Leela's comment and reached into his toy sack for his traditional Xmas tommy gun.
"Please don't kill us!" pleaded Bender
"And why shouldn't I?" Santa demanded.
Bender stumbled for words. Normal logic wouldn't work on this Xmas demon, and normal logic was the only variety that a bending unit knew how to work with.
"Umm, don't kill us because… uhh…"
A rare good idea clicked into Fry's brain. He would have to remember to mark it on the calendar when he got home. "Hey, what if we could give you the names of some people that have been naughtier than us?"
"Don't waste your time. I know the name and the location of every living Earthican."
Leela perked up. She suddenly saw Fry's plan, and wondered why the hell she hadn't been the one to think of it.
Fry continued: "But still, if I told you where to find a few million people that weren't on your list, would you let us live?"
Santa paused to think for a moment. "Hmm, maybe if they had been really really naughty."
"What if I told you that the people on this planet haven't celebrated Xmas for 200 years?"
"Are you serious?"
The three PE crewmembers nodded in unison.
Santa paused for a moment, and then put his gun back in his sack of horrors. The warm yellow light that emanated from his eyes and mouth was slowly replaced by a demonic red. Without saying a word, Santa climbed back into his sleigh and jerked on the reigns. Then he was gone.
Fry, Bender, and Leela watched the fires burn far below. Escape had been fairly easy after Santa Claus had made his exit. Bender managed to work himself free of his own restraints, and helped Fry out of his handcuffs while Leela retrieved her wristamajig from the evidence box. Leela was relieved to find that the PE ship's autopilot was sober enough at the moment to fly over and pick them up.
It really was a shame that Fry's message of holiday cheer had been warped into a brutal display of death and carnage, but if Earth could deal with it every year, than so could Auriga IV.