Trying To Be Human

Chapter 6: Back in the Day

Warnings: Fluff ahoy!

----------------------------------

On the evening Gracia Hughes was arrested for the murder of her husband, Roy Mustang received a call from her, frantically explaining her situation. After assuring her that he would take care of everything, the colonel called Riza.

"Hawkeye, I need you to come pick me up."

"When are you going to learn to drive?"

"When are you going to stop asking me that?"

"When you stop calling me on my day off to chauffeur your lazy, never-learned-to-drive ass around!"

"But, but, but... I need a ride!" Roy stuttered helplessly.

"Well, too bad."

"But, I've got to get to Hughes' because they arrested Gracia and Elysia's there alone!" he gasped. Silence from the other end. "Hawkeye? Are you still there? Hello?"

Outside his house, a car horn blared loudly, attracting his attention to his front yard, where Riza had parked her car. "Get in the car, Mustang! Time's a-wasting!"

Elysia was a little frightened, but otherwise fine. They found her a big teddy bear to keep her busy and retreated to Maes' former office to use the phone.

"With all due respect, Colonel, give it up. She shot him. They caught the whole thing on a security camera."

"Come on, Feury! I'm not asking you to bust her out of jail, I'm just asking for the files he was researching."

"What good is it going to do?" asked the other line tiredly.

"Someone wanted him dead."

"Um, yeah. His wife! Clean out those pretty ears of yours and listen to me! I watched the video, it is quite clearly Gracia. It couldn't be anyone else. I'm sorry, but it's the truth!"

"This is insubordination!"

"Look, Roy, I know you're upset, ok? We all loved Hughes and Gracie, but this is hard enough without you trying to dig up all this useless information!"

"I'm warning you,"

"Goodbye, Colonel. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Roy stared in hopeless bewilderment at the phone. "The little prick hung up on me."

Riza wasn't paying attention. She was busy reading through some papers she had found lying around. "What's all this stuff on Ms. Douglas? Birthday, hometown, favorite color, grandmother's maiden name... strange, I wouldn't have though of him as the stalker type."

Roy rounded on her. "Hey! Shut yo' mouth!"

"Mustang, he's got her dental records from when she was five. Highlighted with all the places they don't match her current ones."

"Ok," Roy acquiesced, "that is a little weird."

"Yeah," Riza murmured, holding the papers up to the light. "What's even weirder is that they really don't match."

"Maybe... she got braces?" Roy shrugged.

"Maybe. Poor Jule. Braces are awful. One of my friends in high school had to get some, and she never did learn how to kiss."

"On the other hand, you didn't have braces, and you never learned to kiss, either," Roy pointed out.

Riza dropped the file to glare at him angrily. "Says who?"

"When you're as experienced as I am, you can tell," Roy smirked.

"Kissing your superiors' butts doesn't count as experience, you know. And, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to be a first rate kisser."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I am the World's Champion of Making Out!"

The woman rolled her eyes sarcastically. "Prove it," she challenged.

Roy did a double take. "...what?"

"You heard me," Riza growled, taking a step towards him with each word. "Put your mouth where your money is," they where standing face to face now, only inches apart. "Kiss me."

"Fine," Roy said defiantly. "Maybe I will."

-------------------

Ed burst urgently into the house, but halted at once when he found Elysia peacefully asleep on the couch. He tiptoed quietly past her, and then broke into a run, slamming open the door to the office.

Roy and Riza had found, by this time, that it would be best, even necessary, for them to move to a couch, bed, or other such furnishing. However, they had also found that this would take a lot of mood-ruining effort that they didn't feel up to. So, they remained standing in the center of the room, clasped in each others' arms, kissing passionately, and not very worried if their clothes started to unravel or not. Ed didn't seem to notice them any more than they noticed him.

"ENVY!"

Roy cringed. "What is it, Cold-Water-On-The-Groin, I mean, Fullmetal?"

"Envy!" Ed exclaimed again, bounding into the room. "I figured it out, it was Envy! He turned into Gracia and shot him! It all makes sense now!"

Roy and Riza stared at him like he had grown an extra nose.

It took a little time to explain his theory, and even longer to convince the new couple that he wasn't crazy. It didn't help that they were obviously impatient with him being there, and wanted him to hurry and leave so that they could go back to ... being alone.

"So, why would this homnibus—," Roy started.

"Homunculus," corrected Ed.

"Whatever. Why would it kill Hughes?"

This was where Ed's story fell apart. "I don't know... Have you two found out anything here? Besides that you each secretly want the other?"

The pair glared at him. "Well, we did find a pretty extensive file on Juliette," Riza admitted, holding up the thick manilla folder. "I suppose they could be working together."

"Juliette?" Ed asked blankly.

"Douglas?" This didn't ring any of Ed's bells either. "The Fuhrer's secretary? She brings in doughnuts every Monday?" Ed shook his head. "Oh, for God's sake, here's a picture of her. He's got about 50 here."

"Maybe she found out she was being investigated, got pissed, and hired this... homunculus (?) to take care of the problem. What do you think, Edo?"

Maybe it was the shock of Roy actually wanting his opinion, or maybe it was something he ate, but a look astonishingly close to horror was dawning on Ed's face as he stared at the picture Riza had given him. "I... um.. I don't think so... I mean, there's no connection... Milit... homun... Envy's the kind of nut who would shoot a guy on the street, I don't think we need to pull Mo— Miss Douglas into it," he finally gasped, his voice broken with high-pitched nervous giggles. "Say, can I have this file?"

"Sure—,"

Ed was gone before the words left her mouth.

The dental files of Juliette Douglas were never heard of again.

"Hmm... Wonder what that was about," Riza pondered.

"Who cares," winked Roy, "got rid of him, didn't it?"

"True. Now," Riza grinned playfully and pressed her arms against his chest, "where did we leave off?"

"Well," Roy whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist, "I believe we were about to,"

"Roy-san?" asked little Elysia, tiptoeing into the room sleepily. "Is Mommy going to be home soon? I'm hungry."

Roy and Riza sprang apart quickly, Riza kneeling next to the girl."I'm afraid she won't be home for a few days, sweetie. But don't worry. Roy'll stay here and watch out for you."

"Where's Mommy? Did she go to visit Daddy? Is he coming home with her?"

Roy and Riza went pale. Riza's smile sputtered. Roy gulped.

"Hawkeye... maybe you should go and... you know..."

"Talk to the police..." she finished, heading shakily to the door.

"Remember, homunculus."

"Right." she nodded, but hesitated before leaving. "Mustang, what is a homunculus, anyway?"

"...uh... I think it's just Ed's term for generic enemies... but, it doesn't really matter. Our goal at this point is to get Gracia free."

"Right," Riza nodded once again, this time leaving without any qualms.

--------------------

Elysia looked vaguely troubled as Roy banged around the kitchen preparing dinner.

"Roy-san, if Mommy doesn't come home, what are we going to eat?"

Roy laughed and held up a pot. "I'm cooking dinner."

The little girl's eyes widened. "You can cook?"

"Of course I can cook!" the man exclaimed proudly. "After all, I survived on my own through most of my adult life."

Elysia frowned. "Daddy said you lived off canned soup and frozen waffles."

Roy glared irately at the picture of his best friend over on a nearby wall. "Your father wasn't there, so he didn't know... Why don't you get the maple syrup out for me?"

-----------------------------

Grown-up Elysia sighed. Roy and Riza still lived pretty much off canned soup and frozen waffles, which she knew her father would have found hysterically funny.

Her family always found the story of her mother's arrest, and Roy and Riza's subsequent attempts to navigating the justice system while babysitting her, very amusing. When telling them, they would gloss over the more painful aspects (Maes's death, the fruitless search for the mysterious Envy, and a few very sordid court episodes) and focus on the good bits, but tonight, Elly wasn't interested in the good bits.

She had thought that it would be easy to keep Reg's secret. It wasn't that she felt guilty for marrying the former Wrath. She loved him, she loved his whole family, she understood that they were no longer what they used to be, and she knew her family wouldn't see it that way. She just didn't like lying to them, no matter what the reason. Reg was leaving to stay for a few days with his family in the country the next morning, so that she could spend some time alone with her folks. She had thought it was a good idea. Now she wasn't so sure.