Title: Loss
Series: Slayers in Space
Author: Sevangel
Disclaimer: Not mine
Rating: R
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Jayne rubs his hand up and down River's back as she sobs against his chest. He can feel the weapons hangin on his wall diggin into his back but he pays it no mind. Her gorram brother left bout an hour ago and she still ain't stopped cryin. Every sob cuts deep into him and leaves him feelin pissed and helpless at the same time. He's seen her cry fore but would ignore it then. But he can't now.
"Jayne." River whispers against his chest.
"Right here, baby." Jayne whispers back.
She pulls back from his chest to look up at him. "You won't leave me, right?" River asks softly.
"Ain't goin nowhere." Jayne answers. He brings his hands up to wipe the tears off her face. "Ya wanna talk bout it?"
"No." River answers. She pulls her dress off and straddles his lap. "I want to feel. Please, Jayne, make me feel."
"Baby, ya're upset." Jayne growls, closing his eyes so's not to be tempted.
"Not my grief." River whispers. "It's hers and it's too strong. I can't feel anything but it. Need to feel; please, Jayne, you always push them out so I can feel."
Jayne sets her to the side and stands up to strip down. He sits on the bed and looks down at her. "Ya sure bout this?" Jayne asks softly. "With your brother leavin, I don't want ya….."
"Jayne, make love to me." River orders softly.
Jayne nods heavily before gently pushing her down. He leans down and kisses her softly, just enjoying the press of her mouth against his. He pushes his tongue past her lips and seeks out hers. They kiss deeply for a few minutes before Jayne draws back to drop a light kiss on her lips. He kisses her eyes closed and can taste the salt of her tears on his lips. He runs his mouth down her face, dropping feather-light kisses as he goes. He stops at her neck to suck lightly at her smooth skin. She sighs softly and runs her hands through his hair. He runs his tongue across her collarbone before moving down to her breasts. Pulling a nipple into his mouth, he gently sucks on it.
"Ohh….oh.." River moans as she arches into him.
He continues to suck softly on her breasts, switching back and forth between them. He uses his tongue to play with a hardened bud before biting down gently. Running a hand down her body, he gently presses two fingers inside of her. He shallowly thrusts his fingers inside of her as his thumb gently rubs at her clit.
River can feel the moans escaping her throat as Jayne plays her body. Kaylee's pain and anguish were pushed out the moment Jayne kissed her and now all she can feel is her own desire slightly shadowed by Jayne's. He slips another finger inside of her and presses down harder on her clit. The orgasm that follows is different than anything she's ever felt with Jayne; it reminds her of what she used to feel from Zoe and Wash.
Jayne kisses her again to swallow her moan of release. He soothes her through her orgasm before pulling his fingers out. Straddling her body, he pushes slowly inside of her until he's in her to the hilt. "Baby, look at me." Jayne orders softly.
River slowly opens her eyes to stare deeply into his. He starts to thrust softly and evenly. She knows he's being so gentle because she needs him to be; she needs to feel everything washing over her softly and slowly. She also knows it's almost torture for him. She can see it in the way he's breathing, the way the tendons in his neck stretch, the tension in his arms.
Jayne continues to thrust softly inside of her despite how hard it is. He's never done this before; made love to someone. He's had sex before, more sex than he can remember let alone count, but he ain't ever made love to somebody. But it ain't about him; it's bout her. She's needs this and he can't do anything but give her what she needs. He moves his arms up to rest his elbows above her shoulders. Bringing his hands to her face, he gently massages her cheekbones with his thumbs while still staring into her eyes. She closes her eyes again and rubs her face against his hand. He can feel tears hitting his hand and stops thrusting instantly.
"Baby, ya okay?" Jayne asks. "Ya wanna stop?" It'll probably kill him to do it, but if she ain't wantin to finish, he ain't gonna force her.
"I'm fine." River answers, turning her head to look at him.
"Why ya cryin then?" Jayne questions as he begins to thrust softly again.
"You make me feel special." River whispers. "Loved."
Jayne bends down to kiss her again as he puts a little more force behind each thrust. She mewls softly and tilts her hips so he can get deeper. He moves his hand between them and gently presses down on her clit.
River moans his name as she cums again. Her orgasm is just like the last one; soft and deep inside of her and so very, very warm and she suddenly realizes why. Pulling her mouth away from his, she whispers, "I love you, Jayne."
Jayne stills before thrusting deeply and groaning her name as he cums. He braces his hands beside her on the bed, breathing deeply for a few moments. He opens his eyes to find her looking at him. "Why?" Jayne grunts. "Ya could do so much better….." He then finds himself understandin a bit more bout her slayer power when she flips him over onto his back, her hands holding his arms against the bed as she straddles his stomach.
"You make me feel safe." River answers. "You make me feel strong. You care about me and want to protect me, even if I don't need it. You make me feel like a woman, whole and real. You just made love to me like I was precious. You make me want to Live."
"Still don't mean I'm good nuf for ya." Jayne replies. He tries to move his arms but he can't even budge em. He feels himself harden at her strength.
"That's for me to decide." River says. "I am the genius, remember?"
"Yeah." Jayne grunts.
"Good." River replies. She moves his arms above his head as she bends down to kiss him.
Jayne groans against her mouth when she holds his hand above his head. He don't try movin em; he knows he won't be able to.
River pulls away from his mouth to look down into his lust filled eyes. She can feel his hard cock against her ass. Releasing his arms, she crawls down his body to suck his cock deep into her mouth. She doesn't go slowly; this isn't about her. He gave her what she needed and now she's giving him what he needs. She can feel him groaning as she sucks and licks at his cock. She works him deeper into her mouth until he's hitting the back of her throat.
Jayne's eyes slam shut when he feels his cock hittin her throat. He groans loudly as his hips thrust into her face. He don't know how she can take all of him into her mouth and still not be bothered when he starts thrustin. He ain't a small man by any means and she should be gaggin but she don't. Instead she works him a bit deeper as she cups his balls, her fingers gently massaging him. He yells her name as he thrust hard into her mouth.
River gags slightly but doesn't pull back. She works him through his orgasm, sucking down every drop. She pulls away once he's come down and crawls back up his body. "Feel better?" River questions as she rests her head on his chest.
"Yeah." Jayne grunts. "Ya feel better?"
"Much." River replies. She crosses her arms on his chest and then rests her head on the pile they make. "I do love you. I don't want you to think I said it because of Simon leaving. It has nothing to do with him."
"I know." Jayne grunts. He glances at her before looking over at his wall of weapons. "Love ya too."
River smiles happily when he says it, part of her amused that he can't look at her and say it. "I know." River replies. "You just showed me."
Jayne looks back at her and starts to speak when her stomach growls, loudly.
"I think ya're hungry." Jayne says with a laugh.
"Me too." River agrees. She moves off his chest and walks over to the box her clothes are in. Pulling out a pair of semi-clean sweat pants, she slips them on before grabbing one of his t-shirts and pulling it over her head.
Jayne chuckles at the picture she makes. The pants are pink with an elastic waistband. They're tighter than most he's ever seen, almost as tight as those leather pants she's always temptin him with. But with his shirt on, one that's orange with a woman's face on it, she looks, adorable actually. It's arm sleeves reach past her elbows and the bottom to the shirt hits her right above the mid-thigh. The neck is also too large and ends up hangin over one shoulder. He pulls on a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt before following her out their bunk.
-
Faith runs her hands through Kaylee's hair as the mechanic sobs on her lap. She's been at it for over an hour, only stopping to rage in Chinese. Faith doesn't understand what she said but files some of it away to ask River later. She doesn't know how Kaylee can cry so much; her stomach hurts just listening to the sobs. Kaylee's sobs start to slow down until it's just the occasional whimper or hiccup.
"Kay?" Faith questions softly.
"He didn't say nothin to me." Kaylee whispers. "Did I mean so little to him?"
"I think it's the exact opposite." Faith answers. "I saw the way he avoided your eyes. Think if he would've looked at you, he wouldn't have been able to leave."
"It hurts so much." Kaylee says as she sits up. "I feel like he tore out my catalyzer and tossed it out the airlock."
"I know." Faith replies, not knowing what a catalyzer is but figuring it has something to do with an engine.
"How could he just leave me?" Kaylee questions. "Leave River?"
"I don't know, Kay." Faith replies.
"Is he gonna come back?" Kaylee asks, looking at Faith like she can make it happen.
"I don't know that either, Kay." Faith answers. "I think he just needs to leave so he knows he has to come back. This doesn't have anything to do with you; it's about him not being able to deal with what's in front of him. He's running scared; sooner or later it'll all catch up with him and he'll have to deal."
"I want him back." Kaylee whispers.
"I know, Kay." Faith replies. She starts to say more when her stomach growls, loudly.
Kaylee can't help it, she giggles. "I think ya need to eat."
"Yeah." Faith agrees. "I can just run and grab something and come back. You can stay here."
"No." Kaylee replies as she stands up. "I ain't gonna run and hide from this. Sides, capn's probably worried senseless. Need to show him I'm gonna be okay. I ain't alone; I got you and River to help me through this."
"Bet your ass you do." Faith replies as she follows the mechanic out of the room. "We'll help you deal."
"I know." Kaylee replies. She comes to a stop and looks at Faith. "I didn't know it when ya came on this boat, but you've become like a sister to me, you and River."
"Yeah." Faith agrees. "Looks like I got two little sisters to take care of."
"I am older than you." Kaylee points out as they start walking again.
"You are?"
"Yep." Kaylee replies. "I'll be 24 in a couple of months."
"Huh." Faith mutters. "That doesn't matter; you're still my little sister too."
"That's shiny." Kaylee replies with a ghost of a smile. They walk into the mess to see the crew gathered around table, getting ready to eat.
"Little Kaylee, ya sure ya should be walkin round?" Mal questions as he stands up to greet them.
"I ain't dyin, cap'n." Kaylee replies. "Part of me may be gone but I'm still gonna run. Sides, Faith's stomach interrupted my cryin session."
Jayne laughs and looks at them. "It start growlin?"
"Yeah." Kaylee answers as she sits down. "River's did too?"
"Like a gorram train." Jayne answers.
"Not our fault." River defends as she shovels food into her mouth.
"Always gotta eat after a fight." Faith replies as she piles food onto her plate. "Or during a fight."
"You eat during fights?" Wash asks, still feeling a bit queasy from watching them kill vampires.
"Sometimes." Faith answers between bites. "Xander was always bringing food on patrols. It pretty much went, 'hold my burrito while I kill this demon'."
"That sounds so unappetizing." Wash replies.
"You get used to it." Faith replies. "Last Christmas, B insisted on having a huge Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. We had a turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, corn, pie, stuffing; pretty much everything you could think of filling a table a bit larger than this. Right as we're sitting down to eat, bout 10 demons crash through the front door."
"On Christmas?" Kaylee questions with wide eyes.
"Demons don't care much about holidays." Faith replies. "So, we fight and kill them all, with B yelling at us not to ruin the dinner. After we're done killing them, we sat down and ate with 10 dead demons lying around the room."
"They didn't explode like those vampires did?" Zoe asks.
"Nope." Faith answers. "Most demons don't; usually we bury them or burn them. And these demons, don't remember the breed, but I do remember the slime. Most of us were covered head to toe in demon slime and blood. Hell, Conner got a little too sword happy and there was even demon brain in the mashed potatoes. Luckily it was Angel and Spike's potatoes and they didn't care; they just ate around them."
Wash puts down his fork, looking a little green in the face. "They ate brains?"
"Yep." Faith replies as she grabs some more protein. "Went real well with the bloody mashed potatoes."
"Huh?" Mal mutters, feeling a bit queasy himself.
"Spike and Angel don't have to eat human food but they enjoy some if it, especially if you drown it in blood." Faith answers. "Dawnie made them special potatoes; instead of milk and butter she used O negative. Kinda weird looking too, being all pink but Spike and Angel ate the hell out of em."
"It didn't bother you to watch them eat it?" Zoe questions.
"No different then watching them drink a glass of pig's blood." Faith replies. "Less disgusting than Spike's breakfast; cereal or oatmeal with blood instead of milk. That could get gross looking; specially when he'd let it sit for a while cause the blood would all congeal and stuff. The only thing that bothered me was when someone would think its tomato juice and take a huge swing out of a blood container. Xander and Gunn did it bout 3 times each before Cordy started labeling the blood."
Everybody stops eating but Faith and River.
"What?" Faith questions when they all stare at her.
"That has to be the grossest thing I've ever heard." Mal replies. "And I know Jayne."
"Hey." Jayne protests. He looks at his food and picks up his fork with a grunt.
"Trust me, I can get grosser." Faith smirks. "Remember one time when I didn't have any weapons and I had to punch a demon's heart out with my fist. Went back home and started eating dinner before I realized I had demon blood and organs under my nails."
Wash pushes his plate away with a groan.
"Weak stomach?" Faith questions with a grin.
"Not normally." Wash answers.
"Kaylee, ya okay?" Mal questions his sad looking mechanic.
"Just thinking." Kaylee whispers.
"River, ya gonna be okay?" Mal questions. "With the doc bein gone and all, what if something happens and ya need a smoother?"
"Don't need them anymore." River answers. "I can push most things out and what I can't, Jayne can."
"How does Jayne push stuff out?" Mal questions.
River just looks at him.
Mal stares back at her before finally getting it. "Oh."
"I don't get it." Wash comments.
"When Jayne touches me, my mind clears completely until it's just him and me." River answers.
"Oh." Wash mutters.
"Kaylee, ya and River can take some time off." Mal offers. "Long as nothin big happens to the engine, ya can lay back and deal with this."
"Thanks, cap'n." Kaylee says. "But fixin Serenity always makes me feel better."
"Okay." Mal replies. "River then…."
"I'm fine." River interrupts.
"No need to put on a brave front, little River." Mal says. "I saw how ya reacted when he left. It's okay to…"
"Wasn't my tears." River interrupts again. "Was hers."
"Hers?" Mal questions.
"Ya weren't talking bout yourself?" Jayne questions River. "I thought ya was doin that 3rd person thing ya used to do when ya first got here."
"It was my tears, wasn't it?" Kaylee questions.
"Yes." River answers. "I couldn't push them out."
"So, all your cryin was cause of Kaylee?" Mal asks. "Ya ain't upset that he left?"
"Of course I'm upset." River answers. "But I knew it was going to happen."
"What?" Mal shouts. "Ya did? Since when?"
"Since I got here." Faith answers.
"Before then." River answers. "Serenity was always just a weigh station to Simon; somewhere to stop before returning to his planned life."
"Why didn't ya say something then?" Mal questions. "Save Kaylee from havin her heart broken."
"Kaylee, would you have rather not been with Simon and not feel this pain or been with him and feel it?" River questions.
"Been with him." Kaylee answers. "I don't regret bein with him; I love him and we were happy."
"That's why." River replies.
"Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Faith comments. "Or something like that."
"Yeah." Kaylee agrees.
"So ya really knew he was leavin?" Jayne questions River.
"Yes."
"How?" Mal questions.
River looks at Kaylee before replying. "Maybe we should talk about this later."
"No, it's okay." Kaylee answers. "I can handle listenin to ya talk bout him. It ain't like he's dead or nothin, just gone."
"Simon had his whole life planned out since he was 5." River explains. "He knew he was going to be a surgeon. He planned to finish medical school when he was 21, graduating in at least the top 5 of his class and then finish residency in under a year. After that, he'd join a very prestigious hospital. He'd become the head of surgery before his 28th birthday, which had he not left, he would have. Then when he turned 30, he would get married to whomever my parents deemed appropriate. They'd have their first child when he was 32, a boy to carry on the Tam name and their second and last child, a girl, 5 years later. Everything about his life was planned out until he rescued me. Then the plans stopped completely. But they were always in the back of his mind, a place to return to. When things became to difficult for him to handle, he went back to his plan, the only thing he feels he has complete control over."
"Damn, he's more anal retentive than I first thought." Faith comments.
"Ya got plans like that?" Mal questions.
"No." River replies. She moves out of her to chair to crawl into Jayne's lap. She waits for him to wrap his arms around her, cocooning her in his warmth before continuing. "I never liked plans; there were too many wholes and variables for them to be exact."
"So ya got no desire to go home?" Mal questions. "Maybe go back to school?"
River shivers and burrows more into Jayne's chest. "I can't go back to school." River whispers. "I don't think I could ever walk into another classroom without getting sick. And I am home; Osirus was never my home."
"Ya never planned on bein something different?" Kaylee asks. "Before the academy."
"I wanted to be a dancer for a while but dancing professionally is too restricted." River answers. "I also remember when I was 6, I packed my bags and told Simon I was running away to enlist in the army, for the independents. He just patted my head and laughed. Then told me not to say anything to father because he wouldn't like that."
"Why?" Mal questions with a small smile. He can just picture a little River telling her stuffy older brother she was joining the army, her little bags in her little hands.
"My father is Alliance." River answers. "Not military but he does have connections; it's how I was able to get into the Academy. Father knew people on the inside."
"He know what they was gonna do to ya?" Jayne growls from above her.
"He knew the school wasn't a normal school." River answers. "He knew I would become a vital part of the Alliance defense but he didn't know how."
"And he still sent ya?" Jayne growls.
"He thought they'd be able to control me." River answers. "Make me a valuable member of society. Didn't know they were going to make me a freak."
"Not the only freak." Faith points out.
"Not anymore." River agrees. "I have no desire to be anywhere else. This is where I belong; where I'm supposed to be."
"Destiny." Faith replies. "Gotta love it."
"Ya sayin your only here cause it's part of some God's plan?" Mal asks in disbelief. River nods. "I thought ya was too gorram smart to believe in that nonsense."
"It's why I'm here." Faith replies. "PTB's sent me here because it's where I'm supposed to be."
"We're not saying we believe in the same God that Shepard Book did." River replies.
"But ya believe." Mal points out.
"Have to." Faith replies. "Only reason slayers exist because it was part of the Power's plan. Not saying we believe in them, because I sure as hell don't. But I do believe they exist."
"Isn't that the same thing?" Zoe questions.
"No." Faith replies. "I know they're real, hell I've talked to them before. But I don't believe in why they do what they do. It's not about us; it's about some grand plan they have. We're just their pawns."
"Should ya be sayin that?" Kaylee questions quietly. "Can't they just…"
"Strike me dead?" Faith finishes. "Probably, but it'd be waste, what with them bringing me back to life and all. They sent me here because they needed me here for some reason. Don't know what yet, hell there ain't even any real demons for me to fight. Which by the way, why aren't there, R? I mean, if humans could survive, why couldn't demons?"
"There weren't that many left." River answers. "After Willow's spell activated all the potentials, there were hundreds of slayers. Over the years, they killed off a large portion of demons. What was left, joined the First in its fight…..."
"The First?" Faith gasps. "We defeated it. Been there, kicked its ass, and got the t-shirt."
"You can't defeat the First, Faith." River says.
"First?" Mal questions. "First what?"
"Evil." River and Faith answer.
"There's a first evil?" Wash questions.
"Yes." River replies. "Beyond sin, beyond death. You won't see it, but it's always there; in every feeling, every drop of hate."
"Actually kind of lame." Faith points out. "Couldn't touch anything, although it could make itself look someone who's dead. Pretty much just taunted us."
"But it had the ability to gather an army." River replies. "Three hundred years after you pushed it back, it returned, smarter and more prepared."
"Fay hwa." Mal shouts. "Ya tryin to say Faith is from 300 hundred years ago?"
"No." River answers. "500 years ago, actually."
"Baby, that ain't possible." Jayne says a few moments later.
River sighs before moving off Jayne's lap. She doesn't say anything; she just walks out of the mess.
"Where she goin?" Mal questions Jayne.
"Hell, I don't know." Jayne grunts as he stands up. He starts out of the mess with the rest of the crew behind him. He glances down the hall before walking towards the bridge.
"Baby, whadda doin?" Jayne questions when he sees her sitting on a chair, her fingers moving rapidly over the cortex screen.
"Finding proof." River answers. The crew moves to surround her as she moves through the cortex, moving in and out of files too fast for them too really catch what she's doing.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Wash shouts.
"What?" Mal questions.
"She's breaking into Alliance files." Wash answers. "At least I think she is."
"Shiny." Mal replies. "Wait, ain't ya gonna get caught?"
"Didn't when I found Miranda." River says. "They won't know; I'm a ghost."
She continues to filter through the screens as she looks for the proof she needs.
"Go back." Faith orders when her eyes catch something.
"No." River says.
"But didn't that say…" Faith questions.
"Yes." River replies. "But we're not going to watch it, not now."
"What the hell was it?" Jayne questions.
"Don't know, but I saw 'R. Tam sessions." Faith answers. "It was you, wasn't it?"
"Yes." River answers as she finds the files she's looking for. "It's from the academy, recordings of training sessions and other things."
"Play it." Jayne orders.
"No." River replies. She finds what she's looking for and spins around to face them.
"Why?" Mal questions.
"I can push out Kaylee's grief but I won't be able to push out the rage you guys will feel." River answers. "Besides, it's not something I would let Kaylee watch."
"I wanna see it." Jayne growls.
"Please, Jayne, not now." River whispers.
"A'right." Jayne reluctantly agrees. "But I do wanna see it."
"So do I." Faith, Zoe, and Mal reply.
River turns around and presses a button. The screen goes black before it displays in large black letters, 'Hyperian Hotel; April 23, 2005'."
"What?" Faith gasps. "What is this?"
"Proof." River answers.
-