A/N: WE apologize, to all you amazing reviewers/wonderful people (all 14 of you!) who have read this story so far! IT TAKES FOREVER TOO UPDATE! SCHOOL IS EVIL! IT ATTACKS YOU! BWAAAAHHHHH! Lately we have been so involved in schoolwork, and . . . . AND OTHER STUFF! SO MANY FRIENDS ARE GOING AWAY! Hmmmmm, I wonder why. Anyway, we apologize and after months of thinking, planning, AND CHEESEY WRITERS BLOCK! YAY! Herhum! As I was saying. ON TO THE STORY! YAY! YAY! WE MISS YOU PEOPLE! YAY!
Disclaimer: I WANT THE STORY! STORY! STORY! THE PLOT IS ALL OURS, SO PEOPLE . . . please, don't copyright any of our ideas and characters, ESPECIALLY NAMES. AND that includes you George Lucas! THAT'S RIGHT YOU EVIL FRIEND! NEXT TIME YOU SEND ME AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE, DON'T HAVE IT SAY THAT WE'RE GOING TO MEET HIM! Hahahahaha, That was soooooo funny. But you didn't know who he was. OH, LOOK! ON THE BACK OF THE STAR WARS DVD, IT SAYS THAT THERE'S A COPYRIGHT! Darn you George Lucas! Oh my gosh! He's behind me! OH NO, HE'S GOT A LIGHT SABER! WE DON'T OWN STAR WARS! WE ADMIT IT! YOU CAN KILL MY FRIEND, JUST DON'T KILL ME! Oh thanks, now you just gave him a reason to practice the force on me. Anyway, ON WITH THE STORY!
Cheese Wars
Chapter 4: Milk is Good
Swiss and his newly found companions, Parmesan and Brie suddenly heard the scream. It was coming from the direction of Swiss's house. Wow! It does? How did you know that? Um, I'm the narrator, so I'm omniscient. Oh, that makes sense, well thanks for the direction. No problem Swissy. WHAT DID YOU… JUST… CALL… ME! Okay you need to go back to the story now.
Swiss, Parmesan, and Brie jumped up, startled from the piercing high-pitch scream. "Is that someone you know?" asked Parmesan.
"Oh no, that sounded like my uncle!" said Swissy in a low voice as he began to run toward his aunt and uncle's house.
"Wait, that was a guy?" shouted Parmesan after him. Swiss ran swiftly over the desert terrain, Parmesan wasn't far behind and following up the rear was Brie, leisurely rolling on.
However Swiss's sometimes-illogical brain got the better of him and his pace slowed, until he completely stopped. Parmesan and Brie crashed into him. "Wait, why am I running back home?" he laughed, "It could be another trap to get me to come back, like the time Wenslyndale gave out flyers announcing Camembert's funeral, and advertising that they would give over a million to any person who knew him and showed up." Parmesan and Brie gave him peculiar looks.
"What! It's not my fault I'm need cash fast. We should just turn around and go back."
"What if someone really is hurt? What if it isn't a trick?" asked Parmesan. Just then Swiss slammed his hand over Parmesan's mouth.
"Shhhh." He said and paused. "Do you feel that rumbling?" he whispered.
"Brie!" said Brie, turning a small circle.
"Yes, same here." Said Parmesan. "What rumbling are you talking about?"
"That small vibration in the ground that…" Suddenly Swiss saw a fast moving dust cloud coming straight toward themover Parmesan's shoulders. "Th… tha…th…" he began to stutter.
"What are you trying to say? I can't understand you, and I can speak over 20 differnet dialects." said Parmesan.
"That…vibration becoming…louder and…" He gulped. He was beginning to see outlines of several different shapes. "Oooh my gosh! It's about time we started running, don't you think."
"Run, why? You're acting very strange." Said Parmesan as Swiss started to flail his arms and jump around shouting,
"STAMPEDE! RUN!" just then all three of them were bulldozed by a giant herd of orange cattle. The thundering cattle swept past, just as fast as they had Come. All that was left was Brie flat on his side and half buried, bits and pieces of parmesan lying about and Swiss, face first on the ground. Swiss lifted his face, spat out some sand and looked over at parmesans' dislocated head with great distaste. "I hate you so much right now." he said.
" Ow," was all Parmesan could manage. They heard someone shout a great, "YEEEEHAAAW!" and a guy in a huge cowboy hat, riding a big black and white cow leapt over their heads.
"Ride 'em cowboy! Yipiyay!" He shouted. The big cow reared, flailing its hooves in the air. "Aaaah!" The cowboy yelled as he somersaulted off of the cows tail and landed with a thud on the ground, head first in the sand. The cow then trotted away very happy its rider was off. "Nooo come back!" he shouted througha mouthful of sand, but he was unable to get out of the strange position he had landed in. Swiss, confused by all this, got up and brushed himself off.
"Who the heck are you?" he asked.
"Me? I'm a normal day –to- day, cow herder? The real question is who are you," he paused for a moment, "Are you trying to steal my special orange cows?" The mysterious stranger exclaimed, waving his hat back and forth to accentuate his words, he then, without success, tried to get up. "Hey, buddy, do you think you could give me a hand here? I'm a little stuck. And I heard that sand isn't that good for your ears!" Swiss stopped himself before he began to rant. He stared at the man in front of him. Even a kindergartener could pull his head out of the ground. Parmesan was proof of that. And could anyone talk with his mouth full of sand? This man was weird, weird enough that he needed help.
"Sure thing, old guy, but you see, I'm a little low on cash, so I'm going to have to require you to pay a fine." he pulled the oddly garbed man out of the sand. Once his head was free from the sand, the man stood up, and started banging on his head. While he did this a mountain of sand started to pour out of his ears. He then yanked his pants almost up to his arms. "Phew. That has to have been one of my most uncomfortable moments." Swiss was about to ask him why he pulled his pants up so high, But the cowby continued, "But I don't have any money on me at the moment. But in regard for saving my ears, from that most obnoxious sand," He said. Swissy opened his mouth but was cut short when the cow-herder yelled excitedly, "But I do have something even better!"
"And what would that be?" Swiss asked sarcasticly as he leaned in.
"MILK!" Mr. Cowboy vociferously screamed in Swissy's ear. Swiss was almost knocked off his feet. His face then began to turn that strange shade of orange again then he began to rant,
"First of all, old coot, I hate cows. And do you want to know why? Because I hate cheese. And do you know what makes cheese?" Not waiting for a reply Swiss continued on, "I'll tell you! MILK STUPID! nasty, stinking, disgusting milk!" The cowboy looked startled, until a grin spread across his round face. He started to laugh. Not just the regular run-of-the-mill laugh, but the kind that booms, one that is almost as loud as cheese-zapping thunder. By the time he stopped, Swiss had covered his ears, and was trying to dig a burrow in the sand so that he could hide in it.
"You, my boy, are nuts. No one in their right mind would ever give up any of my milk. It's the best non-fat dairy product around the solar system. Yet you want money instead. I knew you had something wrong with your head! I can see it in that big white eye of yours." The cowboy said squinting at Brie, apparently losing track of where Swiss was.
"Yeah sure you do. Oh, and by the way, I'm over here." Swiss said in an exasperated voice while waving his hands from his half way dug out hole in front of the old cowboy. Swiss glanced at the herd of orange cows chewing their cud off down the road. "Why the heck would you ever want to herd cows anyway?"
"Because, cows make milk, and milk is good." The cowboy said showing pleasure as he pronounced every syllable. Swiss's face blanched. Off to the side he went off into his own little world.
"Why do I always get stuck with the freaky ones? I mean here I am minding my own business, then comes this space pod with two oddballs on board."
"Hey!" shouted Parmesan, who was ease dropping.Brie just said, "Brie."
Swiss continued as if he hadn't heard a thing, "Then we hear my uncle scream for no apparent reason . . . then you..."
"Wait, did you say there where two oddballs?" exclaimed the strange cowboy looking around. Looking past Swiss, he suddenly broke out into exclamation, "Brie! Oh my gosh it's been years since I've seen you!"
"What," said Swiss in very low voice. Brie immediately jumped up and began running in the opposite direction, shouting "BRRRIIIEEEEEE!"
"Wait, don't run away from me, I want to give you a hug!" shouted the cowboy, running after Brie. Brie, not looking where it was going, crashed into the canyon wall and toppled over . . . again. The cowboy picked up Brie and gave him a tremendous hug. Brie looked just about ready to die. "Brie doesn't like me that much." Said the cowboy.
"I don't blame him." Mumbled Swiss.
"Yes, this reunion is very nice, but may I remind you that I'm still in pieces over here!" shouted Parmesan's disconnected head. The Cowboy suddenly dropped Brie, who landed back on his side saying "Brie." In a pain filled tone.
"Parmesan? Is that really you?" exclaimed the cowboy.
"Nacho, so good to see you, now will you put me back together!" shouted Parmesan.
"Your name is Nacho?" asked Swiss in surprise.
"Ah, yeah." Said Nacho.
"And you... know these two?" Swiss asked again.
"Yeah, we go back a long ways. Hay Parmesan, where's your other arm?" Nacho asked Parmesan.
"I'm going to go hit my head on something hard." Said Swiss, walking toward one the canyon walls.
"Yeah, you go do that while I put Parmesan back together. Say Parmesan, you should have been made better, you keep falling apart." Said Nacho
"Oh thanks." Mumbled Parmesan.
20 minuets ago, back at Swiss's Aunt and Uncle's house.
Wenslydale was leading Camembert out the front door. "Camembert, what'd I tell you, there are no scary Cheeto's outside, see." She said. Camembert looked up and screamed so loud and high, that it could be heard for miles.
"Cheeto's! They've come!" he yelled as he ran back into the house. Wenslydale looked up and saw three flying Cheeto's. In a huff, she stomped back into the house, and came back out with a shotgun.
"It took me five hours to get him out from under that bed, and you just had to come right when I got him through the door." She grumbled as she loaded the gun. "Oh yes, you're going to pay for that." She said as she pointed at one of the approaching Cheeto's.
20 minuets later, at the canyon.
While Swiss was thumping his head against the canyon wall, he suddenly remembered that his uncle only screamed in a high-pitch voice when he was really, really scared. He knew this since he was a toddler one Halloween night. He remembered his costume was a pink bunny that year, and everybody wouldn't stop laughing at him or telling him how cute he looked... which really annoyed him. His uncle Camembert was taking him Trick-or-treating around town. On one of the porches, someone had put a little dancing skelaton that sang some random song. Whenever someone walked by, it would start dancing. To Swissy, it was slightly disturbing but fun to watch. When his uncle walked by and it began to dance, Camembert ran up a tree, sceeming that very same high-pitch scream. The fire department came an hour later to get him down. To Swissy, it was one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to him. Just then Swiss was jolted out of his thoughts when he heard the blasts of rocket engines. He looked up and saw three giant Cheeto's fly over-head.
On the Dorido
The Macaroni lay idle in the vacuum of space. It was charred black from being fired at by relentless Cheetos. Throughout the ship were ghastly, cheese-dripping gashes, and chunks of blown out parts floated around. Dark Grater was sitting in the captains' chair, admiring the effectiveness of his plan, gently stroking what looked like a hunk of cheese that had molded over, leaving it covered with gray fuzz. Dark Grater affectionately called this gray fuzzy mass, Chuzzy, referring to it as the light of his life. "Sir," said an approaching Cheese Puff as he saluted, it was Puff #1, also known as The Cheese Head, second in command of the Cheese Puffs. "The Macaroni has been completely taken over sir."
"Excellent, no hostages I presume." Said Dark Grater.
"No sir." Said Puff #1.
"Hello! I'm a hostage over here!" they heard someone shout from the lower deck.
"Except for Princess Lummy, sir." Puff #1 said, flinching.
"Hey! It's LIMBERGER! The least you could do is get my name write you big doodoo heads!" Limberger shouted again, this time pounding the ceiling to prove her point. Puff #1 and Dark Grater acted like they didn't hear her.
"Excellent," said Dark Grater, still stroking Chuzzy.
"Ah, Sir," said Puff #1 uncertainly. "Don't you think you should throw that thing away by now." He indicated Chuzzy, "he's kind of old and... Stinky." It was true that from time to time, Chuzzy would emanate a faint unpleasant odor, usually before it gave off a cloud of fungus spores.
"What did you just say?" Dark Grater asked in a very dangerous tone.
"Well, maybe it's time you got... a... new... Chuzzy." Puff #1's face had turned very white. Dark Grater had gottone out of his chair and was towering menacingly over him. Dark Grater was very sensitive about Chuzzy, but who could blame him. Many people are very protective about the . . .things . . . they love. Just then Chuzzy gave off a sound like a broken accordion. Chuzzy puffed out a white cloud of fungus spores.
"Bad Chuzzy, you spored." Said Dark Grater in a reprimanding voice. Just then another Cheese Puff entered the room and saluted.
"Puff #473, report." Said Puff #1.
"Sir, Princess Limberger has been restrained." Replied the Cheese Puff.
"In which cell?" asked Dark Grater.
"The one that was recently painted, sir." Said Puff #473.
"The pink one?" asked Puff #1.
"Yes sir." Suddenly they heard a joyous shout from outside,
"FREEDOM!" Lummy floated past the window, shouting and waving for joy. Dark Grater looked back at Puff #473, and folded his arms in a silent gesture of anger. There was an awkward silence... for a very long time.
"Oh look, Lummy somehow has gotten out. Okay, I'll just go... get her... back ... in..." Cheese Puff #473 ran as fast as he could out of the room.
"Remind me to fire that guy when he comes back." Said Dark Grater. Another cry of "FREEDOM" and "HEY! What are you doing? NOOooo I'm not going back into that cell!" Was heard from outside.
A/N: YA! ANOTHER CHAPTER! It took a long time to write this chapter, but we did and now its done! ONLY... A LOT MORE TO GO! Yeah, we're far from done with the cheesiness. So if you enjoyed this as much as us, come back later and review! AND IF YOU DON'T REVIEW . . .WE'LL KNOW, AND LABEL YOU AS A BUTT HEAD! ...Maybe it's time my friend went and payed a visit to the closet. YEAH! CLOSET! WHOOOOO! Yes the closet, your favorite place in the whole wide world. NOPE, IT'S REALLY THE BOTTOM OF MY RAMEN BOWL! Oh-Kay.