He's there to her, everywhere, in everything. He told her that God was in all of them, but now he has replaced that. She sees his gray blue eyes in the bottom of the shot glass and can feel his words burn as they slide down her throat and into her blood. The last green drop in the glass turns to the color of his synthetic blood.
She sees his smirk in the scanning eyes of the Raiders. Taunting, smug; all-powerful and yet oh-so-powerless at the same time. It makes her want to shoot all day, and hit at the worn-out punching bag all night. Sleep was not even an option.
The sound of impact reminds her of the time she spent with him. Words, disparate phrases and his rambling about God flooded in and out of her brain with every pulse, beating out a frustratingly even rhythm in her head.
Every drop of sweat that pooled in her ears or flew off her stomach was another blow. She could remember how striking it was that he could sweat. And it made things much harder. None of this haunting would be happening if she could have been ignorant and think of it all as just hardware and software, not a living thing made up of blood and tears and sweat. Just like her. Just like she wishes she wasn't.
She thinks she passed out once. It must have been about a month after she met him. No sleep, almost no food and constant stress and exercise. She can vaguely recall Helo picking her up off the dirty, cool floor of the gym. She probably remembers that because she liked the coolness of the metal against her skin, like the dull cold of her hand pressed against the glass of the airlock division.
She can also remember her friend's strong arms, supporting her, carrying her in more than the literal sense. She could close her eyes and in delirium, pretend that it was the enemy's defined arms around her instead.
His words in her head began to form on her lips, as Helo laid her down on her bunk. She didn't like the scratch of the wool blanket against her skin, it's contrast to Helo's soft, resilient skin.
And it just makes her remember those hours of that one day, and how she never actually touched him.