A/N: Ok this is mainly a diary and will later be updated and will include songs that can be related to. I came up with the idea to this fic because I was helping a friend out with some problems. He just suddenly broke down and has been depressed for a long time now so when I found his diary I knew that all his emotions fit perfectly with Kai so I thought I should change things around a bit and post it as a fic. So I hope you enjoy it.

Note: There is mentioning of an OC, Usagi (her profile is in my profile), self-harm, angst etc. This fic can get extremely dark at times so please don't say I didn't warn you.

Scars

10th November:
I want to cry, to actually feel hot tears trickle down my cheeks and let my tongue taste such saltiness which nobody would ever know. I need to touch my own inner emotions, to know who I am, to define Kai myself, and not be placed down by other people's judgments and expectations. No doubt I am a strong person, but at the very least of a person, I am enabled to have weaknesses and to feel them and confess them in the cold cellars of my own private world.

11th November:
I feel so alone. So scared. So angry. So hurt. I find myself crying most of the night till I fall asleep. Tear upon tear, sliding down my face. I can't stop them, no matter how hard I try. Biting down on my fist to stop myself from making any noise, so maybe my sister won't hear me this time. She once heard me, she came and I had a fever and she stayed with me most of the night but after that she never noticed anything was wrong, after that I was extra careful not to let her hear me. No one hears me cry anymore and they never will. I cannot let them know. They can't see how weak I truly am. This is my problem not theirs and I must learn to deal with it on my own.

12th November:
About a year ago I pitied people who cut themselves. I felt sorry for them. Because they felt that they needed to scar themselves. Make themselves bleed to let out what they are feeling and make themselves feel better about themselves. But now I'm one of them, I can't help it, it's not like I want to do it...but sometimes it's all I can do.

I wear gloves constantly. Plain, black, gloves, I wear them to hide the scars. The thin white lines trailing in all directions on my hands and fingers. A constant reminder of all I've been through and still must go through.

It's not only scars they hide though. Sometimes there are new cuts. Red lines etched into my pale skin, some still bleed though others are slowly healing. But now I leave them as scars and prefer not to cut my skin further, I finally see that it does no good to me. It just gives something for people to talk about. People just want to find a reason to talk badly about other people and they'll find a lot to say about me whether I cut or not.

14th November:
School works been catching up to me and I haven't had time to do anything these days. School work's a mess and my emotions are no better. I can't seem to keep up with everything, my sister says I should just relax and slow down on all the school work but I just can't. I've been up late for the past few nights working on all these damn projects I keep getting. I'm not even getting enough sleep but right now I don't care, I'll get rid of all this God damned projects then maybe things will get better and maybe I could get at least one good night's sleep, not that that happens very often but you can never be too sure.

15th November:
Usagi finally noticed my lack of sleep and kept me home from school this morning, telling me that my rest was far more important then seven hours of school work and running from class to class. I'm sort of enjoying staying home this morning but I'm finding it hard to get any sleep, though Usagi's been checking on me every hour. For now, I'm just lying in bed waiting to hopefully fall asleep but I can't, no matter how hard I try. Well I'll just hope I sleep soon.

17th November:
Just when you think things can't get worse, they actually do. I haven't been able to sleep a wink for the past few nights and it finally caught up with me while I was talking to Usagi. I passed out from exhaustion during a conversation and when she called the doctor he had pointed out that it was from lack of sleep. Saying Usagi was upset would be a lie, she was beyond upset, her worry always got the best of her in the end though so she kept lecturing on how I should have told her if something was bothering me and that I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to tell her, I just stormed off and locked myself up in my room. I'm constantly hearing her stop in front of my door, she knows I'm upset and can't seem to bring herself to knock and talk to me again.

I don't know why this keeps happening to me, it's like I know how much she's trying to help me but I keep pushing her away when I know I need her help. Last time I needed her help, she managed to help me so much but since then I shut her away. It's like the more I know I need her the more I push her away from me. If only, I could convince myself that she's only going to help me then maybe I'll let her closer to me but somehow it doesn't let me. Something is holding me back, from trusting, from caring, from letting people help me, I'll never be happy till I find out what is holding me back and stop it from ruining my life.

A/N: Please review. I know it sucked but it was just the first chapter so please have mercy. Future chapters might have a little more angst in them. Also, this fic is not my main priority so will only be updated when I'm bored and find the rest of my friend's journal to inspire me. I'll try to update as soon as I can, the more reviews I get the quicker I'll update. Please review, even if the review is bad but please tell me what you think. Bye for now!