Thanks again for your reviews.

Lee: I was laughing so hard while reading your review; you sure do like swearing, don't you?

LexyLovinMilo: nope, I don't try to kill you, thanks for your review though.

Here we go again, I hope you're gonna enjoy it.

So, it's official: Amy and Daniel are not coming back for another season. I am still in denial although I am still not happy with the way they left things with Jess. They ARE the creators of this fabulous show and it makes me sad to know that they're abandoning their "baby".

Rory´s POV:

I was broken, empty, as if some had sucked life itself out of me, but I was determined to block it out. If I would just shut my eyes tightly enough I would be able to erase this feeling from my mind, the feeling of betrayal-both sides- , the feelings of loss –both sides?-, the feeling of pain-once again both sides?-. Jess hadn't tried to contact me since that night, and I couldn't help but wish that maybe he'd tried harder.

Lane wouldn't stop pushing me, begging me to let her in, to tell her what the hell had happened. I finally had broken down, telling her about the specific night.

Flashback

I was sitting at the kitchen table, because I just simply couldn't stand being in my room anymore. I had been studying non stop during the last couple of days, trying to occupy my mind with something else than Jess Mariano. Bastard my heart kept screaming, but my mind kept telling me that this was entirely my fault. Failure at relationships, failure at something that could have easily developed into something huge, breathtaking. Love? Apparently I didn't know a damn thing about love or why was it that I carelessly let it slip beneath my fingers. I scolded myself for even thinking that whatever I was feeling for Jess might be love. I was even angrier with myself that I had let myself fall for him. I was sitting there at the kitchen table, trying to get the work done, and all I could think of was Jess's eyes, laughing, smirking. His eyes, shut tightly when he'd kiss me. The silent moans that would escape his mouth when I would be kissing him, teasing him by pulling away ever so often. His hands as they traveled down my body, making me go blind. His face when he'd listen intensely to me rambling about school, my mom, my dad. His collar bones that define his thorax, meeting in the middle of his sternum, forming a triangle whenever he'd swallow or take a deep breath. His legs intertwined with mine, making me go crazy whenever he'd brush them against mine. Had he been doing this on purpose to get a reaction out of me? Lane shook me out of my memories as she silently put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently. She sat down next to me, eying me curiously. I avoided her eyes by fixing mine on the book in front of me.

"You wanna tell me, what's going on?" Lane asked me in a low voice, trying to calm me down with her words. As Lane was watching me closely, I suddenly felt all the emotions coming to the surface, boiling up inside of me. I broke down and told her all about what was bothering me. She let me rant, never interrupting me once, not saying a word, even her face was expressionless. When I was done I looked up at her and expected her to feel for me, to be as sad as I was, but her reaction took me by surprise.

"You're stupid." I was stunned, scanning her face for any hint of sarcasm. I found none.

"Excuse me?" Lane shook her head and got up.

"You were sitting at the exact same spot about two months ago, after you had known him only for two weeks. Two weeks, Rory and you already told me that maybe this was it. Damnit, you both screwed up. Yes, you shouldn't have said yes to that guy and yes again, Jess definitely shouldn't have gone out and pick up another girl." I flinched at the memory.

"But, do you really think this is all worth it? You are miserable, Rory. You have been studying non stop for the last couple of days. We're not in kindergarten anymore, we're adults, grown-ups, it's time you actually start acting like one, Rory. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is apparently what is bothering you and that's why it is bothering me as well, because of my status as your best friend, I felt like I should finally tell you this. Stop being afraid, Rory. If you don't risk getting hurt, you won't experience what it feels to be loved." I dropped my head and thought about Lane's words. I came to the conclusion that she was right, for once, I should actually act my age. Suddenly I felt so small, so inadequate. I was determined to make things right again. I got up, tears blurring my vision as I went over to Lane and hugged her tightly.

"Thanks." I whispered in her ear.

"I really needed that." I added and buried my head in her shoulder. She pulled away after a few moments and looked at me with expectant eyes.

"So, what's the plan?" She finally asked. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

"I have an idea, but I have to do this on my own." I let go off her and was about to leave the kitchen when I turned around once again.

"Thanks for being you, Lane." Lane smiled at me.

"I try." I nodded my head one last time and went to my room.

Flashback end

Frantically I searched my room for a clean sheet of paper. When I finally had found one, I grabbed a pen and scribbled down a few words.

"I miss you. I'm sorry, Rory!"

I folded the paper neatly and left the apartment. I still remembered Jess's schedule by heart and so I knew that he wouldn't be home yet.

I reached his apartment and tried to steady my breath from running up the stairs. I took one last glance at the paper and finally worked up the courage as I let it slip beneath his door, making it impossible for me to get it back. I took a deep breath and descended the stairs once again, allowing myself to smile, a real smile in what felt like ages.

I wandered around New Haven, feeling deliberated, taking in the spring air, the stupid smile still plastered on my face. I had done the right thing. Finally!

When I got back to my apartment the sun had already set and the darkness of my apartment welcomed me with open arms. Still smiling, not turning on the lights, I took off my coat, throwing it on the floor, my shoes followed. Barefooted I fully entered the apartment. I felt something under my foot, making me stop in my tracks. I turned on the lights and leaned down to get a look at what was lying on the floor. It was a sheet of paper, matching the one I had slipped beneath Jess's door a couple of hours ago. I picked it up and read it.

I miss you. I'm sorry, Jess.

My face lit up and beaming I went into my room, clutching the little sign of hope to my chest as I got ready for bed.

I woke up the next morning, feeling slightly happier than I had for a long time. Lane wasn't home, since she had once again stayed at Dave's place. I didn't know I'd start a tradition when I again ripped off a sheet of paper from my legal pad and wrote what came to my mind first.

I shouldn't have said yes. I wasn't even thinking. I'm not happy with the way things are.

I read it once again, shutting my eyes tightly and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

I dropped the note off at his place on my way to campus. During my classes I wasn't able to concentrate, all I could think about was the feeling in my chest that maybe a matching note could be lying in my common room. When the professor finally dismissed my class, I practically ran out of the class room, eagerly wanting to get home. As I had expected, well hoped actually, a note awaited me when I entered my apartment. I recognized his handwriting immediately from the words he had written in the margins of my books.

I am not exactly happy with the situation either. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. But I can't make it undone. I wish I could, but unfortunately that's life.

Jess's sober way of thinking made me wonder if I had started to overanalyze things. What if I expected too much from life? From Jess, from myself?

I sat down on the couch, reading his words all over again, trying to figure out what the hell I was feeling. Confusion? Anger? Loss? It was clear to me that things would have to be discussed, analyzed, put into the open, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think that it may all be worth it. Jess might be worth it. I looked around in the room: familiar furniture, the TV starring back at me, the telephone was sitting silently on the coffee table. This was home, I had made something out of my life and finally I had the chance to experience something bigger, something that may be that last missing piece in my puzzle. To make me feel whole. In order to achieve that I had to risk something; Lane had made that all too clear to me. I stooped to pick up my purse lying at my feet. I took out a piece of paper and a pen and once again started communicating, in a weird way some might say, but at least this was a start. Obviously I had to face him some day, but I just wasn't ready yet. Some might call it immature, for me it was a big obstacle. One I had to overcome. The final step I had to take that would lead me from childhood to maturity. This is nothing compared to losing your virginity or going off to college, this was what life should be all about. Falling and being caught in the fall. Allowing one person to be the one who catches you. One person you're not scared of confessing you darkest secrets to. The one who would see you in the morning and still think you're the most beautiful person in the world. The one you don't have to tell that you need him, but who sees it right in your eyes. The one person you fight with but at the same time you will make up with undoubtedly along the way. The person who makes you so mad that you could cry, because where emotions are involved, everything comes crashing down once in a while.

What should we do about the situation? I folded the paper neatly and got up.

The minute I got to his apartment I could hear the music blaring from the inside. The Violent Femmes; I smiled and let the note slip silently beneath the door and ran back home.

When I got home, Lane was out rehearsing with her band as she had told me in the morning. I welcomed the fact that the apartment was silent and that I could settle down and think. What did I want from life? The decisions in my life that I had made. Had I just made them to please other people, was I so weak that I couldn't stand disappointing people. In order to make other people happy, you have to make yourself happy; that's what my mom had told me all over again while I was growing up. It was her way of showing me that it was important to love yourself in order to make other people love you. I couldn't help but wonder if I loved myself enough to make Jess fall for me. Somewhere along my thoughts I had drifted off to sleep. I woke up by a noise coming from the door. I was too afraid of who might be behind the door, so I leaned back in my bed, trying to steady my breath, hoping that it might be Jess, telling me what to do about the situation. When I was sure that whoever had been at my door was gone, I quickly jumped up from my bed and surely there it was. A note, lying in my common room on the floor, waiting to be read. I went over to where the paper was lying and picked it up with trembling fingers.

I'm not the one to make decisions for you. You have to figure this out on your own. But maybe we should try the whole honesty thing. It may be worth it

Silent tears were escaping my eyes. Jess wouldn't push me. He was the one person that would let me decide on my own, although it might hurt him. He's giving me back part of my individuality and I was thankful for that.

With shaking hands I wrote the most honest thing I had ever written before.

You want to know the truth? Here's some truth: It's the way you make me laugh when I don't even want to smile. This is me telling you that I am falling for you, Jess. Hard.

I took a deep breath as I reread my words. This was now the time to finally work up the courage to face him. I wouldn't slip the note silently beneath his door; I would be doing this face to face, because that's what adults do. I tried to get up from the couch, but my legs wouldn't move, the kitchen suddenly seemed very far away and there was no way in hell I would be going facing the biggest challenge of my life without having drowned a decent cup of coffee. I concentrated really hard on getting my body up, but nothing happened. My heart was beating fast at the prospect of what I had to do. That's right. I had to do it, for my own good, for Jess's own good, for Lane's own good, but most importantly I had to learn a life lesson, not backing off, jumping right into the challenges that life was throwing at me, although I was scared shitless. I shook my head, now I was even swearing in my thoughts, but maybe that just reflected the battle inside of me. Screw my pro-con lists, I had made up my mind and I was not gonna chicken out. I tried to steady my breathing, silently counting up to ten. When I had reached nine I got up and strolled into the kitchen, making me a cup of coffee. I forced myself not to sit down, because I knew that the minute I would settle down, I would start thinking again and I was tired of thinking, tired of overanalyzing, tired of being afraid. The beep- sound of the coffeemaker signalized that it was done and I poured myself a cup, the tiny piece of paper still tightly clutched in my hand. I hastily finished my cup of coffee, nearly burning my esophagus as it finally reached my stomach. I took one last glance in the mirror, giving my reflection an okay, grabbed my purse and keys and went out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me.

I no longer had control over my neural system as I climbed up the stairs that would lead me to his apartment. When I was about to knock on his door, I thought I might be sick, my knees felt like pudding and I was sure I was gonna faint every minute now. I covered my face with my hands, shaking my head violently as I was asking myself all over again what the hell I was actually doing here. The right thing, my mind reminded me as I finally lifted my hand up to knock on his door, too afraid of using the doorbell. I dropped my head as I waited for him to acknowledge the fact that someone was here to see him. In….out…in….out. Now I even had remind myself to keep on breathing. It felt like an eternity for me as I was standing there in front of his door, waiting for the verdict. I couldn't get my brain to work properly, everything I had planned on saying suddenly not accessible anymore. My hands were cold and sweaty and I nearly chocked when I heard footsteps approaching. I took a step back, and I had to force myself not to turn around and run away, never to look back again, but the sudden opening of the door made this option go away.

Jess popped his head out and looked at me with wide eyes. Before he could say anything I brushed past him into his apartment.

He followed me and shut the door, turning around, facing me. Even if he had been a person who could be easily read, I wouldn't be able to, because my mind was blank. I extended my hand in a fast movement, surprising him.

"Here." I handed him the crumpled note. I watched as his facial expression changed from surprise to understanding to-maybe- hope? It shouldn't have taken him that long to read the note, after all it wasn't that long and I had thought that I had made myself pretty clear.

When he finally looked up again, his face was once again expressionless.

"You don't have to say anything, you know. I just wanted to try the whole honesty thing." I started ranting when I saw that he opened his mouth to talk. Suddenly I was very afraid; afraid that I had made a fool out of myself, afraid of rejection, afraid of getting hurt. I had put myself in a vulnerable position and now I was waiting for the verdict, although I really didn't want to hear what he had to say. Suddenly I felt exhausted, emotionally drained, worn out, tired. I felt my throat tighten, swallowing suddenly becoming an issue. I dropped my head and let out a deep breath.

"Please, Jess. Say something." I whispered, my words coming out in short waves.

I didn't know what was happening, I couldn't tell the difference between red and black anymore, I couldn't remember the author of The Fountainhead anymore, if someone was to ask for my name, I wouldn't be able to answer that, all I could think of was that suddenly Jess's lips were on mine, kissing me desperately, begging me to let him in. He bended his knees and lifted me up, so that my feet were a couple of inches above the ground. I could feel his body moving against mine as he pulled me closer. His breathing went in sync with mine as we deliberately started exploring each other again. Hands, mouths, bodies, tongues, teeth; I couldn't tell which parts of my body belonged to mine anymore. I felt like laughing, crying, ripping his clothes off, making him feel the exact same things that I was experiencing right now. He trailed kisses down my face, cheek bones, eyes, nose, finally pressing his lips on my forehead lingering there.

"I thought I didn't have to say anything." He whispered against my forehead, his lips never leaving my skin, caressing me with the movement of his lips at the same time. I chuckled and pulled him even closer so that my chin was resting on his shoulder. I could feel the heat radiating from his body as he stroked my back, leaving soft kisses on my neck. I let out a protesting moan as he pulled away. We locked eyes and a millisecond before his lips could reach mine again I heard him whisper.

"This is me showing you that I am falling for you, Rory. Hard." He quoted my words from the note and crashed his lips to mine, breathing through his nose, tickling my face. I smiled into the kiss. He definitely wasn't a man of many words, but I knew that I could cope with that. He finally made me feel again, he finally made me feel alive.

I am definitely not satisfied with this chapter, I don't know why, but I had a really hard time writing it. I hope you enjoyed it, seriously I do. Let me know what you think about it, your reviews make my day. Thanks for reading. Review!