Chapter 1: Death and Pool-Boys
Well, here's chapter one, I hope you enjoy it. I've spent a suprisingly long time on this. It usually only takes me a few minutes to write fics, but this one's taken nearly two days. It's funny, because I started this fic out with an actual plot and ending in mind. Usually I just write whatever, whenever. I hope it satisfies you and I hope you give me lot's of reviews! I love reviews!
"So, Lucius, where's the lady of the house? And where's that little twit...I mean that darling son, Draco?" asked Snape as he pushed his dark hair away from his frowning face.
"Oh, Narcissa's asleep, and I think that little twit... I mean my darling son, Draco is in the shower," Lucius replied casually.
"Shall I go flush the toilet?" Snape sniggered as he got up to go to give Draco a very cold suprise.
However, Severus never made it to the door because just then Lupin materialzed in front of him looking very flustered and shoving something into his pants.
"Now, how on earth did someone turn that into a portkey?" he groaned to himself as he scratched his head. Acknowledging his giggling peers he groaned again. "Oh, no. What's going on here?"
"Slumber party," said Lucius sniggering. "And your fly is open."
"Thanks for the advanced notice," Remus said while he zipped his pants. "Why am I invited anyway? We're supposed to be enemies."
"Oh, well, we needed one other person to play 'Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board' and we didn't want to invite Peter no matter how enthusiastic he is," said Lucius trying to hide his excitement. Lucius' legs were rapidly jiggling as if he's just drank five cups of coffee.
Remus looked rather disgusted at the surroundings, at Snape who was giving him the evil eye, and at Lucius who was looking fit to burst with excitement. He began to back slowly toward the door, thinking that if he didn't make any sudden moves, he'd make it out alive, and maybe with some dignity.
"Well, it all sounds like good fun, but I think I'll be going now..." said Remus and he began to walk out of the room while tucking in he shirt.
"Not so fast, Remus," said Lucius who now started to giggly ferociously as if he knew something Remus didn't. "I've put wards on the grounds, you cannot disapparate, and you cannot simply walk out because the doors are locked and are voice activated."
Apparently he did know something Remus didn't.
Severus grinned maliciously at Lupin, which disturbed Remus as Severus rarely grinned.
"Damn. How long am I stuck here?"
"Just for the night," Lucius replied as if he were a criminal mastermind. Lupin sighed in relief. "That is, of course, unless Severus and I wish to prolong the slumber party."
Lupin was paying little attention, however because he'd just caught sight of a huge, disgusting rat headed toward Lucius who was sitting on the couch. Lucius must have seen it too because he began to scream like a little girl and jumped onto a very expensive coffee table.
"Kill it! KILL IT!" Lucius screamed in fright. He then jumped into Severus' lap, his blonde hair covering Snape's face.
"Get off me!" Severus snarled. He dumped a trembling Lucius onto the floor and began to stomp at the rat, narrowly missing it everytime.
"Wait!" yelled Lupin. Remus had seen that rat before. He recognized the bald spot and the missing toe. "Peter? Show yourself!"
Peter Pettigrew materialized on the floor in front of them looking rather disgusting and smelling rather disgusting as well. He stood there for a moment wondering how come he still had clothes on when last time he transformed into a rat, his clothes had fallen off of him...
"Aww, man, Lucius. You didn't tell me you invited him!" groaned Severus as he pinched his nose.
Lucius pulled his robes up to cover his nose, and replied in a nasal tone.
"I didn't invite him. I put wards on the whole place. How on earth did you get in?" Lucius asked Peter, still shaken by the whole creepy rat in the living room thing.
"I've been hiding in your toilet for a week." Peter said jovially. "The stench isn't so bad once you get used to it. You should really think about investing in some of those toilet air-freshners, I hear they do wonders. Oh, and I heard you telling Severus about the neat-o slumber party you were planning that was going to be awesome and I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it."
"Ack! You stink," said Lucius.
"Hey, it's your waste," said Peter. Wormtail then rushed over to Snape and began to pull on his robes like a child. "Hey, Severus! Want to see my Chocolate Frog card collection?"
"No."
"Hey, Remus! Want to see my Choco-"
"No."
There was a few minutes where no one said or did anything. The party had barely started and Peter had already dampened their fun. Something had to be done.
Looking around the room, Severus could tell he needed to formulate a plan, and fast. Lucius had a blank stare on his face which told him that Lucius wasn't going to think of any bright ideas. Remus, however seemed deep in thought, rubbing his chin with his thumb and forefinger. He looked back a Lucius. Lucius was now watching Remus rub his chin with his thumb and forefinger...
"Hey, I've got an idea!" said Severus at last, breaking the awkward silence and bringing Lucius to attention. "Let's play hide and seek!"
"Yeah," said Lupin who instantly caught on to what Snape was doing, getting rid of Peter. "First we need someone to hide. This person must be highly intelligent and brave and extremely good-looking and have good hygiene..."
"Hey, you guys I fit the criteria..."
"Shut up, Lucius," said Severus and Remus together.
"Hey, Remus! I'm all those things," said Peter as he scratched his nether-regions and wiped some sticky brown stuff from his balding head and tasted it.
"You guys," said Lucius as if he was having a revelation. "I think Peter should go hide. He seems like the best candidate to me."
Everyone else nodded fervently in agreement.
"So, Peter, you go hide, we'll count to 1,234,567,672,348 and then we'll come looking for you. Try to hide somewhere good, give us a good challenge!" Severus said as he urged Peter out of the room and closed the door behind him.
"Well, at least he's gone," said Remus. "But that still doesn't mean I'll enjoy being held captive here." Remus sighed. "Being a sexy beast really gives me an appetite. You got any food in this place, Lucius?"
"Do I have food?" Lucius uttered under his breath. "DINKY!!!"
After losing Dobby, Lucius had acquired a new house-elf named Dinky. Dinky looked a lot like the Malfoy family's old house-elf, Dobby, except he had a big, black handlebar moustache and spoke with a bad French accent. Dinky came bouncing into the room wearing a stained tea-towel and singing 'Old MacMalfoy Had An Elf'.
"Yes, master?" said Dinky as he made a trembling bow. "Some caviar, perhaps?"
"Ick, no. Go get us some cucumbers and carrots. They're good for my complexion." Dinky bowed out of the room "Oh, by the way, does anyone want a facial?"
Severus and Remus both groaned and rolled their eyes.
"You're such a girl, Lucius," said Remus.
Lucius slathered some curious green paste onto his pasty white face
Just then they heard a blood-curlding scream coming from upstairs. Everyone head jerked upwards and they stared at the ceiling for a few seconds waiting for another sound.
"We should go see what that was," said Remus who looked thoroughly concerned.
"Nah, it's probably just Narcissa...having a dream...with the pool boy..." Lucius said who was still in denial about his wife's...um...habits.
"Actually that scream didn't sound like Narcissa in the throes of passion..." Snape trailed off, realizing what he'd said.
Lucius gave Severus a dirty look.
"What I mean to say is... that scream sounded kind of deadly..."
"Let's stop debating about the stupid scream and go see what it was all about," snapped an impatient Remus.
So the three of them walked through the dark, scary hallways of the Malfoy Mansion, up to the master bedroom. There they found, to their horror Narcissa Malfoy sprawled out on their four-poster bed and the pool boy sprawled across her with a pool-pump nozzle in his hand. However, what made the scene more horrific was that neither of them seemed to be breathing. On Narcissa's chest there was a purple sock, a very badly knitted purple sock.
"Oh my!" exclaimed Remus. "Are they... dead?"
"I think so," said Lucius looking sadly down at his wife and Carlos, the pool-boy. "Who would do something like this? Poor Carlos, he was so handy with that nozzle."
Lucius sighed and sat down on the bed and pulled the nozzle toward him. However, he heard another scream coming from down the hall. His head jerked up and he looked at Remus.
"Where's Severus?" Remus asked looking concerned.
"I haven't seen him since we were downstairs," said Lucius, still nuzzling the Carlos' nozzle.
They both looked extremely alarmed and raced down the hall toward the scream. Another shriek emanated from the bathroom door and Severus Snape stepped out of it laughing.
"Severus, what have you done?!" Lupin demanded looking completely horror-struck.
"Who the hell flushed the bloody toilet?" screamed Draco from within the bathroom.
Lupin looked toward the bathroom door and saw Draco's head pop out in relief.
"I couldn't help myself," said Severus as he stared at Lucius' and Remus' stony faces. Well, Remus' stony face. Lucius was sobbing over the pool-pump he'd confiscated from the dead pool-boy. "What!?"
"Severus, Narcissa and the pool-boy have been murdered."
DUN DUN DUN!!! Well, what did you think? Please review!