Hello everyone, here's next chapter! I hope you enjoy it. The song in this chapter is 'By Myself' by Linkin Park.

Song lyrics (not written down)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of the sort, just my OC and the plot.

1st January

So today was new years day. Kind of felt better than most, this year I actually had friends and family to go out with instead of sitting at home dreading another year of pain and misery. I can't assure that the year won't be like that but at least the day was, dare I say it…fun. But yeah I mean at least I spent it out with the team and for once it wasn't training.

Well my day was ok but I kind of feel bad now, Usagi spent most of the say at work, so I felt bad she wasn't around. Then again I guess I can't have it all, I just wish she was around though, makes the day better for me. It was a full day, mainly we went out to eat lunch then I was dragged to a park the others wanted to go to, not my ideal day but it was something I enjoyed.

Tomorrow morning I plan on talking to Usagi, maybe I can get some help from her. Or just talk. I want to talk to her, she's helped me these last few weeks at least to the extent that I didn't have to talk to her too much about problems, the least I could do is ask her what happened today. As far as I know she hasn't come back home from work yet so I'm rather…worried. Well its 3am and I'm exhausted after today.

5th January

I really don't know how I can keep up with all of this. I can't seem to ignore all the voices, the dreams, the pain. I can't stop it, I can't ignore it and I can't make it better so what can I do? I can't let it go on screwing up my life so what can I do? Can I possibly bring myself to hide my pride to ask someone for help? Even Usagi. I can't seem to bring myself to ask her for help with all this stress.

I don't even know how it all started up again; I don't know what I could have possibly done or what could have happened for me to feel all this pain again. I can't hold on anymore, not when I have to deal with it all by myself. Who goes through all this and manages to deal with it all, who? Certainly not me! I look the strongest out of the whole team but I cant handle all this, I make every right move, try to avoid the very taste of pain yet when it comes to dealing with my emotions I just cant, I'm broken on the inside.

I can't not get help, I'll crack under all the pressure but I don't even know how it all started, and what is it that caused all this to start up again? Why can't I just have happiness for once in my life and just forget about all my past ever did to me? Cos I'm not allowed to be happy, that's why!

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself myself

x2
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

Chorus:
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

I cant keep this up anymore! I can't go on by myself. If I let it all go on than I'll have nothing, no life cause it would be screwed up. I'd have nothing. I don't have much now so things would be worse off later. I just don't know how to deal right now; it's just too much to take in. I don't want to let this go on, suicide isn't an option but I don't want to continue living my life with horrible memories and sleepless nights. I just can't go through all that again.

If I
Turn my back I'm defenceless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself myself

x2
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

Chorus

Back when I was with my grandfather he used to blame me and beat me for not doing something right, spur of the moment when I'd have to make a quick decision, but how could I ever make my own decisions when the only thing I ever knew was taking orders? How could I come to my own decisions after living like that for so long?

How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to

x2
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside

Chorus x2

I really don't know what I can do to help myself at this point. All my life all I have ever done is tried to help myself through life but it's never been enough, it's never been enough to permanently stop the pain. Not enough to get rid of the voice painted on my memories, what's left of them at least. I don't want to let this go on but I don't know what I should do. Should I ask the team for help or Usagi? Should I really trust them all with it. What if they think I'm pathetic, for being scared of such things when I'm usually the strongest? What if they don't understand? Maybe it is safer for me to keep it all to myself, for me to keep it inside. It may kill me but so will the mocking of how weak I am.

So I guess I have to go back to how I used to be. Hide my pain behind an emotionless façade, not talking to anyone and keeping my distance. It's best if I want to keep these problems a secret. As much as I want to keep it all a secret…a part of me wishes they'd find out, they'd know how much I'm hurting and maybe they'll understand and try to help. But the other part of me knows they'll never understand.

So like every thing in my life, I'm forced into this. Forced to make the decision that will hurt me if he I take it all on my own. I have to give it a shot, I have to try and sort it out by myself. I'm just scared; scared because I don't know how I'll sort it out.