Chapter 2
Bubbles and Suspects
"What?" Draco asked in suprise. "Please tell me you're joking!"
"We're sorry Draco, but your mother's been murdered along with your pool boy," said Remus and he put an arm around Draco.
"Say it ain't so, Lupin!" Draco wailed. "My Carlos! How I loved thee!"
Remus frowned. It seemed that everyone cared about this Carlos fellow more than their wife or mother.
"What are you talking about, Draco? Carlos was mine!" snarled Lucius as he put Draco in a sleeperhold. Veins started popping out on Draco's forehead.
"Obviously he was neither, if he was iwith/i Narcissa," growled Snape, heading off a pretty nasty argument. He and Remus pried Lucius off Draco who was now scratching and pulling Lucius' hair. "Anyway, if what you say is true, we should probably go investigate the crime scene, and you, Draco, should stay with us. If there's a murderer in the house, we could all be in danger."
So the four of them headed back up the hall to the master bedroom. When they entered the room Lucius ran straight to his walk-in closet. Severus, Remus and Draco walked over to the bed. Draco hopped upon the bed and began to jump up and down next to the dead bodies. "Ha," he said addressing his dead mother, "Can't tell me to stop jumping now, can you?"
Draco had always loved jumping on his parent's bed, especially with Carlos. Lately, he had been sneaking in the room to do so. However, his mother caught him and Carlos and forbade him to enter the room ever. Naturally, Draco was quite upset about this.
"Come, now Draco. Get down from there," said Remus feeling quite disturbed for the lack of respect for the deceased. He held out a hand to help Draco off.
"I hope you're next," Draco snapped as he got off the bed and kicked Remus in his shins.
However, they heard a chilling scream emanating from the walk-in closet. Draco went back to jump on the bed. Running into the closet Severus and Remus found Lucius in front of the mirror wiping his face mask off vigorously with what looked like some of Narcissa's lingerie.
"What's the matter?" Remus asked. He looked extremely concerned and he'd had enough screaming for the night.
"I forgot to take my mask off," said Lucius as he spit on the Victoria Secret panties. "If you leave in on for too long it dries out your skin."
"How did he ever become a Death Eater," Remus rolled his eyes muttering to himself and went back into the bedroom leaving Severus and Lucius alone to shoot the breeze.
Severus looked at the pink lacey underwear in Lucius hand. "Those aren't Narcissa's," he muttered.
"Oh, they're mine," said Lucius in a matter-of-fact way. "I always use Victoria Secret stuff on my face. I have sensitive skin."
"Ah," said Severus as caught site of some pink lacey material peeking over the waist of Lucius' trousers. Sensitive skin, indeed. He looked around at the shelves bedecked with shoes, thousands of them. And handbags. He realized that none of this stuff belonged to Narcissa at once and assumed it must belong to Lucius because everything had the initials 'LM' engraved in fancy writing.
Feeling that there was nothing else of importance to do inside Lucius' closet and because he was thoroughly disgusted by his surroundings, Severus, went back into the bedroom. Remus was standing over the king size bed examining the bodies. He picked up the purple sock on Narcissa's chest and poked it with his wand, then called Severus over to look at it. Severus sniffed it with his exceptionally large nose, tasted it with his exceptionally large tongue, prodded it with his exceptionally large wand, and finding nothing special about it threw it in Lupin's face with his exceptionally large arm. He then took a seat in a chair wrapped in chains of which he and Narcissa had enjoyed on countless occasions, finding it quite comfortable, while Remus mused over the events that had occured earlier.
Just then Lucius swept out of the closet wearing a plaid cape, a Sherlock Holmes hat, and pipe in his mouth. He took a long drag on his pipe and started heaving. Every time he heaved bubbles were produced from the pipe he still held in his mouth.
Severus and Remus stared at him and both began to snigger, not trying very hard to hide it.
Following Lucius' heaving episode, he puffed out his chest and began pacing around the room trying to look thoughtful and intelligent. He continued to blow bubbles with his pipe and eyed Severus, Lucius, and Draco suspiciously.
He had paced by for the thirtieth time when Severus said,"iWhat the hell are you doing?/i"
"My name is Inspector Lucius Malfoy and I will be investigating the murders of Narcissa Malfoy and Carlos.... Well, whatever his last name is," he said importantly in a very bad cockney accent.
"Since when are you an Inspector, Lucius?" asked a perplexed Remus who still couldn't get over the fact that Lucius was wearing plaid.
"Please," said Lucius raising his hand to stop Remus,"I would prefer it if you address me as Inspector Malfoy at all times." Remus rolled his eyes and sighed. "To answer your question, I am a newly appointed Inspector. Appointed by one of my best friends, the Minister of Magic himself. I invited him here tonight, but sadly, he couldn't make it. Anyway, I digress. As of about five minutes ago, I am now officially Head of the Department of Criminal Affairs." He pulled from his robes a scroll and, with a flourish, held it out for the other three to see. Sure enough, at the very bottom was Cornelius Fudge's signature."
"How did he send that to you? I saw you put wards on the house myself," said Severus looking amazed. "No owl could get past it, not even the tiniest amoeba could."
"Oh, I have boxes full of Decrees appointing me to something. I only use them when I need them and then I relinquish my post to some of my evil friends to ensure I still have a high-standing in the Ministry."
"This is coming from a man who needs someone else to put his socks on... Ladies and gentlemen, the leaders of today!" groaned Severus bitterly.
"I will not tolerate sarcasm, Severus Snape," said Lucius. "You are all suspects so I'd be careful who I insult, if I were you." Lucius blew more bubbles on his pipe.
"The bubbles seem to make him more intelligent," Remus muttered to Snape.
"Draco, go put on your uniform, you're going to be my assistant," ordered Lucius.
"Yay!" Draco squealed. "We're going to be like real detectives!" He scampered towards the exit. At the door he met Dinky, their new house-elf who was carrying a platter of vegetables. He kicked Dinky who fell onto the floor spilling the vegetables and then skipped off down the hall. The elf picked himself up cursing under his breath, his gaze following Draco down the hall and into a door at the end. Dinky picked up the vegetables and put them back on the platter, Lucius hadn't noticed them fall to the floor, and took them over to his master who was looking at a purple sock with a magnifying glass.
"Dinky has brought your veggies, Master," said the elf as he bowed.
"How did you know we were up here, Dinky?" asked Lucius still looking through the magnifying glass, his breath fogging up the lense.
"Dinky assumed this is where you'd gone after Dinky heard that scream, Sir," said the elf simply.
"Ah,"said Lucius not paying very much attention. "Set them down on the chest of drawers and come over here. It's time for your hourly spanking."
Dinky put the platter on the chest of drawers like he was told and walked over to Lucius hanging his head so low his nose was touching the floor. He bent over exposing his backside and Lucius patted it gingerly. The elf walked away looking and feeling humiliated.
"You like spanking elves, Lucius... I mean, Inspector Malfoy?" asked Snape who was smirking.
"He deserved it," said Lucius acting like he had given a well deserved punishment. "He's been a very naughty boy."
"I feel so sorry for that poor elf," said Remus.
"Damn it! This magnifying glass is defective, I can't see a thing," said Lucius peering through his fogged up spy-glass.
"Don't breath on it, then," said an annoyed Severus.
"Ohhhh!" said Lucius. "Wow, look at the intricate design. This is high quality."
He was looking at the purple sock which was very sloppily made. There were bits of thread hanging out and there were a couple of lumps in it.
"What kind of material do you think this is? Silk? Satin?" ask Lucius thoroughly entranced by the sock.
"Yarn, Lucius. It's made of yarn," said Severus who, despite his lack of style obviously had a knack for identifying materials.
"Aha! So you know what it's made of! That makes you even more of a suspect!" Lucius pointed a quivering finger at Severus.
"I can't be the killer," said Severus simply. Lucius wilted for a moment.
"And why is that?" interrogated Inspector Lucius.
"Because I was with you when she was murdered, you dolt!"
"Oh, I see. You were just an accomplice. I did the crime! ....wait, that's not right..." Lucius was completely confused. He went to sit in the corner of the room and started rocking back and forth.
"Don't overexert yourself, Lucius," said Remus who was growing weary of Lucius' stupidity. "You know, Draco was kind of bitter towards his mother for not letting him jump on the bed with Carlos. And he's probably mad that his mother was... um... jumping on the bed with his Carlos after she'd told him not to. You don't think he did it, do you?" he asked Severus.
"Hmmm," Severus thought it over. "That is an interesting theory, and it's highly plausible. However, would Draco murder his beloved Carlos? I have my doubts about that one."
"Well, maybe Carlos got in the way, and the only way to get revenge on his mother was to go through him. Plus, I don't think he'd want witnesses," explained Remus who was arguing his point effectively.
"I don't know..." said Severus who still wasn't convinced. "Draco seems too stupid to be a murderer..."
"By the way," Remus pondered. "Draco's been gone for quite a while. I wonder what's keeping him..."
"Oh, he's probably trying to figure out how to tie his cape. He never had to learn to tie his shoes and, as a result, is rubbish at tying anything. The last time he tried tying his cape all he ended up doing was wrapping it multiple times around his neck and twisting it at the ends. He damn near strangled himself," explained Lucius who was still crouching in the corner.
"Maybe we should go check on him," said Remus looking concerned.
"What is it with you and my son, Remus?" demanded Lucius defensively. "I am the boy's father, not you!"
"Well, perhaps you should start acting like it. Haven't you noticed he's a bit more feminine than most women. And he was always hanging out with that Carlos fellow. Don't you have any idea what he actually does with his time?"
"Of course I do! What kind of a father would I be if I didn't?" Lucius was now on his feet. "He and Carlos knit! Ok? They knit and crochet! I've seen them at it!"
Remus snorted. "Fine, let's not go check on him. For all you know he could be strangling right now and have no one to help because you're standing here arguing with me."
Lucius looked as if he was going to say something, changed his mind, opened his mouth to retaliate again, but thought better of it.
"Maybe we should go and check on him," Lucius muttered quietly and blew some more bubbles.
So the three of them marched down the hallway, led by Inspector Lucius whose cape was swishing stylishly around his back. They reached Draco's bedroom door which was closed. Lucius knocked.
"Draco, are you in there?" he asked stiffly. There was no answer.
"We better go in," said Lupin grasping the doorknob. "We need to see if he's alright."
"I've never been in my son's room before. I can't just go barging in," said a conflicted Lucius.
"You've never been in you own son's room?" Remus asked shocked.
"He likes his privacy," said Lucius.
"Well, you may not care enough about him to open this door. Heck, you let him come all the way down here by himself! I'm going in there," said Remus and he pushed open the door.
The three men gazed into the room and gasped in suprise.
Ooh, the cliffhanger. I bet I got you on the edge of your seats, huh? Ok, well maybe not. Oh, almost forgot for the person that reviewed and asked whether Snape was dead at the end, he wasn't. Remus was addressing Snape: "Severus, Narcissa and the pool boy are dead," could be: "Narcissa and the pool boy are dead, Severus." Hope I've cleared that up for you. Thanks for reading! Review and I'll give you cookies! Chocolate chip!
Bubbles and Suspects
"What?" Draco asked in suprise. "Please tell me you're joking!"
"We're sorry Draco, but your mother's been murdered along with your pool boy," said Remus and he put an arm around Draco.
"Say it ain't so, Lupin!" Draco wailed. "My Carlos! How I loved thee!"
Remus frowned. It seemed that everyone cared about this Carlos fellow more than their wife or mother.
"What are you talking about, Draco? Carlos was mine!" snarled Lucius as he put Draco in a sleeperhold. Veins started popping out on Draco's forehead.
"Obviously he was neither, if he was iwith/i Narcissa," growled Snape, heading off a pretty nasty argument. He and Remus pried Lucius off Draco who was now scratching and pulling Lucius' hair. "Anyway, if what you say is true, we should probably go investigate the crime scene, and you, Draco, should stay with us. If there's a murderer in the house, we could all be in danger."
So the four of them headed back up the hall to the master bedroom. When they entered the room Lucius ran straight to his walk-in closet. Severus, Remus and Draco walked over to the bed. Draco hopped upon the bed and began to jump up and down next to the dead bodies. "Ha," he said addressing his dead mother, "Can't tell me to stop jumping now, can you?"
Draco had always loved jumping on his parent's bed, especially with Carlos. Lately, he had been sneaking in the room to do so. However, his mother caught him and Carlos and forbade him to enter the room ever. Naturally, Draco was quite upset about this.
"Come, now Draco. Get down from there," said Remus feeling quite disturbed for the lack of respect for the deceased. He held out a hand to help Draco off.
"I hope you're next," Draco snapped as he got off the bed and kicked Remus in his shins.
However, they heard a chilling scream emanating from the walk-in closet. Draco went back to jump on the bed. Running into the closet Severus and Remus found Lucius in front of the mirror wiping his face mask off vigorously with what looked like some of Narcissa's lingerie.
"What's the matter?" Remus asked. He looked extremely concerned and he'd had enough screaming for the night.
"I forgot to take my mask off," said Lucius as he spit on the Victoria Secret panties. "If you leave in on for too long it dries out your skin."
"How did he ever become a Death Eater," Remus rolled his eyes muttering to himself and went back into the bedroom leaving Severus and Lucius alone to shoot the breeze.
Severus looked at the pink lacey underwear in Lucius hand. "Those aren't Narcissa's," he muttered.
"Oh, they're mine," said Lucius in a matter-of-fact way. "I always use Victoria Secret stuff on my face. I have sensitive skin."
"Ah," said Severus as caught site of some pink lacey material peeking over the waist of Lucius' trousers. Sensitive skin, indeed. He looked around at the shelves bedecked with shoes, thousands of them. And handbags. He realized that none of this stuff belonged to Narcissa at once and assumed it must belong to Lucius because everything had the initials 'LM' engraved in fancy writing.
Feeling that there was nothing else of importance to do inside Lucius' closet and because he was thoroughly disgusted by his surroundings, Severus, went back into the bedroom. Remus was standing over the king size bed examining the bodies. He picked up the purple sock on Narcissa's chest and poked it with his wand, then called Severus over to look at it. Severus sniffed it with his exceptionally large nose, tasted it with his exceptionally large tongue, prodded it with his exceptionally large wand, and finding nothing special about it threw it in Lupin's face with his exceptionally large arm. He then took a seat in a chair wrapped in chains of which he and Narcissa had enjoyed on countless occasions, finding it quite comfortable, while Remus mused over the events that had occured earlier.
Just then Lucius swept out of the closet wearing a plaid cape, a Sherlock Holmes hat, and pipe in his mouth. He took a long drag on his pipe and started heaving. Every time he heaved bubbles were produced from the pipe he still held in his mouth.
Severus and Remus stared at him and both began to snigger, not trying very hard to hide it.
Following Lucius' heaving episode, he puffed out his chest and began pacing around the room trying to look thoughtful and intelligent. He continued to blow bubbles with his pipe and eyed Severus, Lucius, and Draco suspiciously.
He had paced by for the thirtieth time when Severus said,"iWhat the hell are you doing?/i"
"My name is Inspector Lucius Malfoy and I will be investigating the murders of Narcissa Malfoy and Carlos.... Well, whatever his last name is," he said importantly in a very bad cockney accent.
"Since when are you an Inspector, Lucius?" asked a perplexed Remus who still couldn't get over the fact that Lucius was wearing plaid.
"Please," said Lucius raising his hand to stop Remus,"I would prefer it if you address me as Inspector Malfoy at all times." Remus rolled his eyes and sighed. "To answer your question, I am a newly appointed Inspector. Appointed by one of my best friends, the Minister of Magic himself. I invited him here tonight, but sadly, he couldn't make it. Anyway, I digress. As of about five minutes ago, I am now officially Head of the Department of Criminal Affairs." He pulled from his robes a scroll and, with a flourish, held it out for the other three to see. Sure enough, at the very bottom was Cornelius Fudge's signature."
"How did he send that to you? I saw you put wards on the house myself," said Severus looking amazed. "No owl could get past it, not even the tiniest amoeba could."
"Oh, I have boxes full of Decrees appointing me to something. I only use them when I need them and then I relinquish my post to some of my evil friends to ensure I still have a high-standing in the Ministry."
"This is coming from a man who needs someone else to put his socks on... Ladies and gentlemen, the leaders of today!" groaned Severus bitterly.
"I will not tolerate sarcasm, Severus Snape," said Lucius. "You are all suspects so I'd be careful who I insult, if I were you." Lucius blew more bubbles on his pipe.
"The bubbles seem to make him more intelligent," Remus muttered to Snape.
"Draco, go put on your uniform, you're going to be my assistant," ordered Lucius.
"Yay!" Draco squealed. "We're going to be like real detectives!" He scampered towards the exit. At the door he met Dinky, their new house-elf who was carrying a platter of vegetables. He kicked Dinky who fell onto the floor spilling the vegetables and then skipped off down the hall. The elf picked himself up cursing under his breath, his gaze following Draco down the hall and into a door at the end. Dinky picked up the vegetables and put them back on the platter, Lucius hadn't noticed them fall to the floor, and took them over to his master who was looking at a purple sock with a magnifying glass.
"Dinky has brought your veggies, Master," said the elf as he bowed.
"How did you know we were up here, Dinky?" asked Lucius still looking through the magnifying glass, his breath fogging up the lense.
"Dinky assumed this is where you'd gone after Dinky heard that scream, Sir," said the elf simply.
"Ah,"said Lucius not paying very much attention. "Set them down on the chest of drawers and come over here. It's time for your hourly spanking."
Dinky put the platter on the chest of drawers like he was told and walked over to Lucius hanging his head so low his nose was touching the floor. He bent over exposing his backside and Lucius patted it gingerly. The elf walked away looking and feeling humiliated.
"You like spanking elves, Lucius... I mean, Inspector Malfoy?" asked Snape who was smirking.
"He deserved it," said Lucius acting like he had given a well deserved punishment. "He's been a very naughty boy."
"I feel so sorry for that poor elf," said Remus.
"Damn it! This magnifying glass is defective, I can't see a thing," said Lucius peering through his fogged up spy-glass.
"Don't breath on it, then," said an annoyed Severus.
"Ohhhh!" said Lucius. "Wow, look at the intricate design. This is high quality."
He was looking at the purple sock which was very sloppily made. There were bits of thread hanging out and there were a couple of lumps in it.
"What kind of material do you think this is? Silk? Satin?" ask Lucius thoroughly entranced by the sock.
"Yarn, Lucius. It's made of yarn," said Severus who, despite his lack of style obviously had a knack for identifying materials.
"Aha! So you know what it's made of! That makes you even more of a suspect!" Lucius pointed a quivering finger at Severus.
"I can't be the killer," said Severus simply. Lucius wilted for a moment.
"And why is that?" interrogated Inspector Lucius.
"Because I was with you when she was murdered, you dolt!"
"Oh, I see. You were just an accomplice. I did the crime! ....wait, that's not right..." Lucius was completely confused. He went to sit in the corner of the room and started rocking back and forth.
"Don't overexert yourself, Lucius," said Remus who was growing weary of Lucius' stupidity. "You know, Draco was kind of bitter towards his mother for not letting him jump on the bed with Carlos. And he's probably mad that his mother was... um... jumping on the bed with his Carlos after she'd told him not to. You don't think he did it, do you?" he asked Severus.
"Hmmm," Severus thought it over. "That is an interesting theory, and it's highly plausible. However, would Draco murder his beloved Carlos? I have my doubts about that one."
"Well, maybe Carlos got in the way, and the only way to get revenge on his mother was to go through him. Plus, I don't think he'd want witnesses," explained Remus who was arguing his point effectively.
"I don't know..." said Severus who still wasn't convinced. "Draco seems too stupid to be a murderer..."
"By the way," Remus pondered. "Draco's been gone for quite a while. I wonder what's keeping him..."
"Oh, he's probably trying to figure out how to tie his cape. He never had to learn to tie his shoes and, as a result, is rubbish at tying anything. The last time he tried tying his cape all he ended up doing was wrapping it multiple times around his neck and twisting it at the ends. He damn near strangled himself," explained Lucius who was still crouching in the corner.
"Maybe we should go check on him," said Remus looking concerned.
"What is it with you and my son, Remus?" demanded Lucius defensively. "I am the boy's father, not you!"
"Well, perhaps you should start acting like it. Haven't you noticed he's a bit more feminine than most women. And he was always hanging out with that Carlos fellow. Don't you have any idea what he actually does with his time?"
"Of course I do! What kind of a father would I be if I didn't?" Lucius was now on his feet. "He and Carlos knit! Ok? They knit and crochet! I've seen them at it!"
Remus snorted. "Fine, let's not go check on him. For all you know he could be strangling right now and have no one to help because you're standing here arguing with me."
Lucius looked as if he was going to say something, changed his mind, opened his mouth to retaliate again, but thought better of it.
"Maybe we should go and check on him," Lucius muttered quietly and blew some more bubbles.
So the three of them marched down the hallway, led by Inspector Lucius whose cape was swishing stylishly around his back. They reached Draco's bedroom door which was closed. Lucius knocked.
"Draco, are you in there?" he asked stiffly. There was no answer.
"We better go in," said Lupin grasping the doorknob. "We need to see if he's alright."
"I've never been in my son's room before. I can't just go barging in," said a conflicted Lucius.
"You've never been in you own son's room?" Remus asked shocked.
"He likes his privacy," said Lucius.
"Well, you may not care enough about him to open this door. Heck, you let him come all the way down here by himself! I'm going in there," said Remus and he pushed open the door.
The three men gazed into the room and gasped in suprise.
Ooh, the cliffhanger. I bet I got you on the edge of your seats, huh? Ok, well maybe not. Oh, almost forgot for the person that reviewed and asked whether Snape was dead at the end, he wasn't. Remus was addressing Snape: "Severus, Narcissa and the pool boy are dead," could be: "Narcissa and the pool boy are dead, Severus." Hope I've cleared that up for you. Thanks for reading! Review and I'll give you cookies! Chocolate chip!