Well, I finally finished this fic. I had no idea where it was going when I started this chapter, but I have to say I think it's pretty darn good. Enjoy.

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The Culprit Revealed

It was a complete travesty, what the three men were gazing at. The walls of Draco's bedroom were covered with photos and newspaper clippings of Harry Potter. It was like some crazy Harry Potter Shrine or something. Remus walked slowly into the room, taking it all in. He observed that most of the pictures of Harry were naked and assumed that Draco must have taken them himself without the boy's knowledge.

"Your son is a stalker," he stated to Lucius walking over to the closet and peering in.

Draco was lying on the floor with his cape wrapped around his neck, his eyes transfixed in a vacant stare.

"Your son is dead," Remus said walking back into the bedroom sadly.

Lucius who was staring at the various photographs on the bedroom walls, burst into sobs a few soapy bubbles escaping his pipe. Remus walked over to him and put his arm around him lovingly.

"I know, Lucius," he said patting him on the back. "It hurts..."

"My son is... GAYYYYY!" he sobbed wiping his nose on his long yellow hair.

"Well spotted," said Severus his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Ignoring Severus, Remus grabbed Lucius by the shoulders and shaking him said, "Didn't you hear me, Lucius! Your son is DEAD!"

"W-what?" Lucius whimpered. Remus pointed to the closet and Lucius walked over to peek inside.

"Oh, so he is," he stated seemingly unbothered. "Well, I guess we can destroy all this evidence and no one will ever know he was gay."

Remus rolled his eyes and Severus stepped into the closet to gather evidence. Lucius began ripping all of the photos off the walls and Remus observed him pocketing one of the more naked ones.

"What did you just put in your pocket, Lucius?" Remus asked taunting Lucius.

"Your mom!" Lucius responded quick as lightning.

"Very creative, Lucius."

"Your mom's creative."

"Shut up!"

Snape emerged from the closet swiftly brandishing a freshly knit purple sock. "This is getting serious," he observed.

"Sirius!" Remus wailed. "Oh, God! Whyyyyyy?"

"Shut up!" he hissed at Remus and Remus promptly shut up. "Look, we need to figure out who's doing this, or we could all end up dead."

"Dead?" Lucius asked running his fingers through his silky hair. "But, I'm too young and beautiful to die!"

"Well, if you don't stop sniveling and get serious, you're going to die!"

"Is that a threat, Severus?" Lucius advanced on Severus, looking at him through his magnifying glass, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I'd hate to have to report you to the Minister for threatening his new Chief Inspector."

"Since when are you Chief Inspector, Lucius?" Severus snorted.

"Since now!" he exclaimed reaching in his robes and brandishing a parchment. "What does this look like to you!" he asked shaking the parchment in front of Snape.

Severus laughed, "Looks like a naked picture of Harry Potter to me." Severus and Remus started chuckling.

"What?" Lucius said looking at the paper he was holding in his hands. It was indeed a naked photo of Harry Potter. "Damn... uh- where did this come from!" he stated indignantly. Severus and Remus burst out laughing.

"Stop laughing at my expense!" Lucius yelled and he clapped his hands over his ears and closed his eyes. He began rocking back and forth mumbling incoherently.

Severus and Remus soon lost interest and left Lucius to pursue finding a suspect. They walked out of the room, leaving a very frightened Lucius behind.

"Don't leave me!" he squealed and scampered out of the room after them.

They all decided to go back to the living room to regroup and hopefully figure out what all of this was about.

Severus began, "Ok, Lucius. Who, to your knowledge, is in the house?"

"Um... Narcissa, Draco, and the Pool Boy..." he said thinking so hard that his tongue was sticking out.

"Yes, but they're all dead," Severus growled. "Who else?"

Remus chimed in, "What about Peter? He's still here somewhere."

"Yes, but Peter is an imbecile. He'd never be able to even think about committing brutal murders, much less commit them," Severus concluded.

"Dinky!" Lucius yelled.

"Yes, Dinky..." Severus pondered the breakthrough. "He certainly is capable. And he knows how to knit..."

"No, I'm hungry. I was just calling for Dinky," Lucius said licking his lips.

Severus rolled his eyes.

"It's probably nothing, Severus. You know house elves aren't allowed to attack their masters," Remus said.

Suddenly Dinky apparated into the room his handlebar mustache looking slightly askew. "What can Dinky get Master?" he said, bowing very low.

"Some pancakes would be nice. All this murder is making me famished. Severus, Lucius? Want anything?" Lucius asked.

Severus and Lucius groaned simultaneously. "He doesn't waste any time getting over his grief, does he?" Remus asked. Severus snorted and shook his head.

"I eat to kill the pain," Lucius stated dramatically.

"I guess that will be all, Dinky." Dinky disappeared with a snap and was back with a snap two seconds later with Lucius' fresh, warm pancakes. Dinky stood and watched as Lucius poured syrup onto his pancakes, let the fresh scent fill his nostrils and began slicing into them.

Dinky was so interested in Lucius' pancakes that it was beginning to attract Severus' attention, who then tapped Remus on the shoulder and told him to watch. Dinky began rubbing his hands, devilishly and cackling, his left eye twitching as Lucius brought the first bite of pancake to his mouth.

"Uh, Lucius..." Severus began.

"What is it, Severus? Can't you see I'm trying to enjoy my pancake?" he asked annoyed that Severus would disturb his pancake eating ecstasy.

"I think your pancakes are poisoned," he stated, his eyes never leaving Dinky, who was still cackling manically.

Lucius put his fork down and Dinky's laugh stopped. "What makes you think that?"

"I just have a hunch, Lucius. Why don't you get Dinky to test it for you?" Severus suggested and he noticed the house elf's expression turn very worried.

"What an excellent idea, Severus!" Lucius exclaimed. "Dinky! Come test my food for poison."

Dinky slowly dragged himself over to his master. He picked up the fork and raised it to his mouth, his lips trembling. But, then his expression changed and became very angry. He threw the fork in Lucius' face and backed away.

"Dinky!" Lucius yelled in fury. "What is the meaning in this!"

"Me is not Dinky, sir," the elf explained, with complete contempt in his voice.

"Draco?" Lucius asked with complete bewilderment.

"What?" the elf asked completely confused. "How could I be Draco? I just killed him. Wtf are you talking about?"

"Draco's dead!" Lucius exclaimed. Remus and Severus rolled their eyes yet again.

"Who are you, elf?" Severus inquired, pointing his wand at the elf's chest.

The elf ripped his handlebar mustache off, revealing his true identity. "Me is Dobby, sir," the elf replied his eyes never leaving his former master.

"Who?" Lucius asked still completely confused.

"Oh, you know me very well, sir," Dobby replied. "I is your former house elf. You made my life a living hell. And now I'm here to end yours!" the elf yelled, advancing on his former owner.

"No!" Remus yelled. "You can't just go around killing people, Dobby. It isn't right."

"What the hell is a Dobby?" Lucius asked, looking utterly blank.

Dobby looked pleadingly at Severus and Remus.

"Go ahead, Dobby," said Severus. Remus agreed. "Put him out of his misery."

Dobby picked up the fork with the pancake on it and forced it into Lucius' mouth. Lucius chewed and swallowed.

"Yum, this is good, Dinky. Kinda tangy-" he choked and sputtered, then fell over sideways a drop of drool spilling from his mouth.

"Well, Dobby, you got what you wanted," Remus said patting the elf on his shoulder.

"Thank you sirs for letting me do it," he replied. "Me will never forget it." He left with a pop.

"It's a shame about the pool boy, though," said Remus. "He didn't do anything."

They went to the door to leave and the realization struck them that Lucius' wards were still up.

"How are we going to get out of here, Severus?"

"No idea. I wonder where Peter is..."

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Way down in the depths of the Malfoy family plumbing a rat hid, nibbling on something that tasted nutty.

"I wonder what's taking the guys so long," he thought to himself. "I really wanted them to see my chocolate card collection... Oh, well. At least I'm winning at hide and seek!"

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And so with the murders solved, the criminal allowed to get away with his deeds, Remus and Severus spent the rest of their days trying to find a way past the stunningly clever wards that were placed around Malfoy Manor by the home's now dead Master. Dobby went on to do god knows what(Probably back to molesting Harry Potter).

The End.

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Well, I finally finished it. Sorry, I had to kill Lucius off, but I wrote myself into a corner and had no idea how to conclude it. Anyways, still pretty funny, huh? Review please!