Hiya! Once again I'm sorry for the late update, but it seems as though the days get shorter and shorter… thanks a lot for the reviews! I know this part is very dark, but truth to be told, it's because I'm out of ideas. I do think it was good to put in a small argument though, what do you think? Comment, please! btw, in case u noticed, i changed the title, to just "Appearances"...
Take care xxx
Harry awoke in the middle of the night, all sweaty. As he noticed that he would not get anymore sleep, he entered the living room where he sat down on the cold stone floor. He leaned on the wall behind him and closed his eyes. Immediately he began to have flashbacks in his mind. The feeling of being unwanted swept over him and it was then he realized that he was never going to be loved. He would always be the bloody boy who lived, no matter what he did to change that image.
How stupid he had been. The only reason his teacher had kissed him was because he had begged for it. Begged, how tragic. Somehow he had believed that his professor actually liked him. How silly of him to think like that. Naturally his professor had only acted out of kindness and pity.
The boy sat like that for the next three hours. It was then he decided to go back to his room. He didn't want Severus to know that he had been awake. Harry cried himself to sleep, only to wake up two hours later by a knock on the door.
A moment later Severus entered the room. Immediately he noticed Harry's swollen eyes and realized that the boy had been crying a lot. He decided to let it be for now.
"Good morning." Severus pulled away the curtains from the window.
"Morning." Harry yawned. "I'll be out in a minute, when I'm dressed."
The teacher nodded and left the room with his robes billowing after him as usual.
Some minutes later, Harry was dressed and found Severus in the kitchen. He sat down on a chair, watching in dismay how Severus prepared the breakfast.
"What would you like for breakfast?" The teacher asked.
"Pumpkin juice, please." Harry replied stiffly.
"Toast?" He offered.
"No, thank you. I'm just fine." The boy declined.
"Scrambled eggs?"
"Thanks, but no. I said I'm fine." He looked away.
"Cereals? Yoghurt? Eggs Benedict? Fruit?" The man was determined to get the boy to eat.
"Really, I don't want anything." Harry muttered.
"No need to be rude." Severus snapped.
"I wasn't being rude. I just don't want to eat anything at this time of the day."
"Fine." The fled the room, leaving behind a very confused Harry. He entered his bedroom and snapped the door shut. His mind was mixed as he looked back on their conversation. Frustrated and a bit desperate he lay down on the bed.
A few hours later there was a pop next to his bed and he jerked his eyes open. He exhaled deeply when he noticed there was no one else there except for Albus Dumbledore. Slowly he sat up and greeted the man.
"How are you, my boy? If I may say it, you look terribly exhausted." The headmaster asked.
"I am perfectly fine, thank you." Severus immediately put on his expressionless mask. "How are things at Hogwarts?"
"Just fine, son, just fine." His eyes twinkled as usual. "I trust Harry is well?"
"Indeed he is." The teacher lied bluntly.
"Where is he, now?"
"I believe he is in his room, reading." He said nonchalantly. Truth to be told, he had no idea where Harry was, although he was quite confident the boy was in his room.
"Good. I have to be off soon, I just came to tell you that I expect you back at Hogwarts tomorrow. Oh, and, I would love to have a nice cup of coffee with you tomorrow night. I believe we have quite a few things to discuss." The headmaster said softly.
"Of course, Sir."
"That would be all then. Take care of yourself, Severus." A moment later he was gone.
"Damn that man…" Severus cursed. The man always made him feel like such a fool.
He decided that he needed to check on Harry. After all, he was supposed to take care of the boy. It was not as though he cared for him. Definitely not, he decided.
When he did not find the boy in his room, the kitchen or the living room, he began to get worried. He knocked on the door to the bathroom, hoping to get a reply.
"Don't come in." Harry shouted.
"What are you doing?" Severus called back.
"I'm just…I'm taking a bath." The boy said.
A loud bounce a few seconds later betrayed what he had just said. Severus decided that it was time for him to enter. The view that met his eyes was horrible.
Harry was sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall. His chest was bare as he had removed his shirt. In his right hand he held a small knife. Small drops of blood dropped from his left arm. Severus could tell he had cut himself at least two times. What he could also tell, was that it was the first time Harry cut himself. You could see the fear in his eyes and his hands were trembling. The boy sobbed heavily.
"Merlin…" Severus mumbled as he hurried towards the boy. He whispered a few words and the cuts disappeared. Another flick with his wand, and all the blood was gone. The teacher roughly pulled the boy up from the floor and put a bathrobe around his shoulders.
"Come." The man ordered and took the knife from the boy in front of him.
They sat down in the living room, opposite each other. Severus looked sternly at the boy.
"I really do hope this will be our last conversation concerning this topic." The man began. "I can not believe you did it. I thought you were feeling better. What a fool I was." Severus made the disappointment in his voice as evident as possible.
"I'm sorry. I really am. It was… I'll never do it again. I promise." Harry said regrettably.
"What have you done to earn my trust?" He left the question hanging in the air. "It hurt more than you had expected, didn't it? You had force yourself to cut a second time, am I right?"
"Yes…" Harry's voice was trembling.
"Why did you do it? Did you think it would make you feel better? Fool." He said harshly.
"I…" The boy began but was interrupted.
"Do you know why? It is because you are not miserable enough. You still have a small amount of people that care deeply for you. When I cut myself for the first time, there was no one there to rescue me. Not a single bloody person. I was so fucking alone and everyone knew it. I did not feel the pain, because I was already in so much pain. I wanted to die. I even attempted to." Severus said dryly.
Harry crept into a shell and tried to mask his feelings. He certainly didn't want his teacher to know that he was scared.
"The thing is, no one felt hurt, because no one cared for me. There are people that care for you and feel hurt because you act like you do. They are hurt because you act like you do not want to live. Like they don't mean a bloody thing to you." The man still maintained his expressionless mask. "I know you were up crying all night, I could tell the second I saw you this morning. Then you say you don't want any food. Yet, I told Albus that you are perfectly fine. What is even worse is that he believed me. Stop acting like no one cares, Potter, because there are people that care. Albus, Mr Weasley, Miss Granger, Miss Weasley, Mrs Weasley, to name a few. Yet, you refuse to eat. Take a look at yourself, for God's sake! Do you like what you see?" He took a deep breath. "If you break down, you will only make your Uncle think he was right. Don't let him destroy you this easily. Show him that you are stronger. You are stronger than him, you know you are. Then why are you letting them get to you this easily?" Severus looked sadly at the boy.
"Why can't you just accept it like everyone else? Why can't you let me eat as much as I want? Why can't you just let me be?" Harry said dejectedly.
"Because I care, Potter, in case you had not noticed, I do actually care." The man said in a low voice.
"I'm so sorry. I really am. I don't know what else to say…" Harry mumbled.
"I know you are." Severus said softly. "I am sorry for what I said, but I was so angry. Angry at myself for not taking better care of you." He admitted.
"Don't be."
"The headmaster was here. He expects us back at Hogwarts tomorrow."
"Okay." Harry shrugged.