Warnings: (especially) cracky!Sakura! possible language! minor perversion!
Disclaimer: (is this even required?) I don't own Naruto
Sakura has a lot on her to-do list. Genin Team 7 Crack. NaruSaku / SasuSaku ...ish. XD
Accomplished
Sakura chewed thoughtfully on the glittery end of a brush adorned with every girly embellishment imaginable.
Including but not limited to: rhinestones, studs, flowers, strips of pleather, ribbons, curls, stickers, smileys, and plumes and plumes of hot pink feathers.
(She traipsed around in the mud a lot and tended to overcompensate by buying excessively feminine things for the everyday.)
Tragically she tried to release a sigh but accidentally inhaled one of the feathers, karma enacting a vicious response to the tacky writing utensil.
But because asphyxiation is not an acceptable cause of death for a kunoichi, unless say, a fearsome enemy ninja is doing it using a fancy jutsu, or stealth, or at least something flashy, Sakura summoned up all her might and released a tremendous cough, clearing her lungs and sending a bedraggled feather wafting across the room.
She reluctantly replaced the brush in the inkwell (now with a great amount of distrust) and straightened up to admire her handiwork, running her hand over the parchment to iron out any invisible wrinkles.
Haruno Sakura's To-Do List:, the paper read.
1. Elicit an interest based reaction from one Uchiha Sasuke
At this point the list skipped downward numerically, because only Sasuke comes second and third to Sasuke.
4. Get a first kiss
This had nothing to do with Ino claiming to have kissed a chuunin.
Or that she had run out of romance novels.
And ice cream.
5. Grow a backbone
She wasn't in any particular hurry with the last one; she figured it could wait until somewhere through the course of a two and a half year time jump.
Sakura then placed the list into her pillow case and climbed into bed, mind abuzz with ways to accomplish her goals.
She yawned, glancing at the clock. Three AM? Where does the time go?
Outside birds chirped, children played with knives (where were their parents?), and the sun shone brightly.
It was, in fact, three PM.
Haruno Sakura, trusted technology, and if her alarm clock told her it was three, it was three.
Unfortunately, she required a great deal of direction, and things like determining whether it was night or day, things her clock couldn't tell her, left her a bit muddled.
She studied her ceiling, running her eyes along cracks and flakes from water damage. What to do?
Eyes drifting closed, she murmured a sleepy 'Hell YES!' and turned over, falling into a deep sleep, having just, for all intensive purposes, devised the perfect scheme.
When she woke up, at 3:01, the plan, and all its effectiveness was completely lost.
She vaguely recalled something about fishing line but couldn't for the life of her, determine its usefulness.
Besides of course, securing hooks used to capture various sorts of marine life.
Her eyes widened. That's it! Smacking her fist into her palm, mouth set into a determined line, she resolved to reel in Sasuke, literally.
She wondered what sort of bait he would respond to and whether he qualified as a freshwater or saltwater fish.
He was kind of salty, she guessed.
This was ridiculous, Sasuke may be a little cold, but it was a far stretch to clammy, and he wasn't a fish. (Also, he sometimes ate anchovies, so he would end up being a scary Hannibal Lecter kind of fish.)
She tapped one pale finger to her temple.
She came up with a whole new plan, slowly, and with less enthusiasm. It was embarrassing, convoluted, and borderline sexual harassment.
But it would have to do.
When she reported to Team 7's training grounds (originally Team 13's, but being the unlucky group they were they got reassigned to Konohagakure's nuclear testing facility) it was early the next morning.
(Kakashi had the foresight instruct Sakura to report there at six at night, so naturally she arrived at six in the morning.)
Her heart was pounding in her ears but her steps were determined.
Normally she would take her time, but she wanted to make sure she arrived before her sensei, as this task was embarrassing enough without the addition of another witness.
She gulped. Seconds had brought her within sight of her team.
"Good morning, Sasuke-kun," she chirped dutifully, passing the motionless object-of-her-devotion where he leaned against the bridge.
There was no response, which only ignited a stronger ambition to achieve her goals.
Naruto fidgeted with the back of his collar, waiting for acknowledgement.
"Hello, Naruto," she obliged.
It was now or push Sasuke over the bridge and try to fish him out.
"Good morning, Sakura-chanmffft-"
In accordance with her plan, she launched herself at the startled blonde, throwing her arms around his neck and crashing her lips onto his. The momentum sent both ninja toppling into the grass, Naruto taking the brunt of the landing.
Sakura hoped she had done it right, as she had no practice except the training she underwent with her pillow and Naruto's response seemed minimal. Come to think of it his breathing also seemed minimal, being as she lay sprawled out on top of him, but she deemed it his own fault for not respirating properly.
Naruto remained dazed, maintaining the look of an individual just trampled by forty acres and violated by a mule.
All in all Sakura thought the affair had not been unpleasant and felt very empowered. However, she decided to mentally scan her list before deeming the operation a success.
Grow a backbone- check.
Get a first kiss- check.
Elicit an interest based reaction from one Uchiha Sasuke- she craned her neck to spot the dark haired boy, fully expecting a spark of jealousy, a hint of betrayal-
What she saw made her blush a color Crayola had yet determined how to market. Radiated Laser Pointer red (c)? Beet Baking on the Surface of the Sun red (c)? The Kind of Shame Only Garnered by Jumping People in Front of Your Sensei red (c)?
Kakashi-sensei stood a few feet away, his Icha Icha Paradise hanging limply at his side, expression unreadable.
Before propriety could force the group into any form of awkward conversation, a mild breeze swept the bridge and everyone watched as Sasuke teetered and fell face forward.
Sakura screamed, Kakashi winced, and Naruto decided he was in the twilight zone. Definitely the twilight zone. Now where was the intense theme music?
The real Uchiha Sasuke, not the cardboard cutout he purchased from the local video store, was snoring away in a pink canopy bed at the Uchiha estate, because he was not a morning person, he needed his beauty sleep, and if his sensei wasn't going to get there until one, why the heck should he lean on a bridge for seven hours?
He wasn't like Sakura, he had an infallible inner sense of time. (It came with being a genius.)
Besides, his legs got tired.
By now Sakura had jumped up, catapulting Naruto over the bridge and into the water (a situation easily remedied by Sakura's handy fishing line, even if the barbed hook produced an unpleasant amount of bleeding) and Kakashi began to develop an irritating sort of all knowing look in his visible eye.
When Naruto, soaking wet and more confused than usual, lay sputtering on the shore ("but you-me-YOU-gasp-SEXUAL PREDATOR!"), Kakashi decided the time was right to intervene.
"Remember team, there is a time and place to look underneath the underneath," he said sagely, before adding, "and use a condom."
Very pleased with himself and interpreting the gagging noises coming from his students as a sign his message was received, he settled his nose back into his book and neglected to tell anyone that the reason for his punctual arrival was news the village was under attack.
And he saw nothing wrong with that.
Sakura was at a loss, her plan was in shambles and the love of her life was two dimensional!
(Plus she didn't understand why Naruto kept calling her a rapist; she thought he was supposed to have a crush on her! She should have been fulfilling his wildest fantasies! He should be grateful!)
The good news was she could now complete the very satisfying task of crossing out two of the items on her list, even if the most important one remained unfulfilled. So, while her social landscape lay in ruin, having alienated everyone around her, Sakura dug into the pocket of her dress, withdrew a fat chisel tip marker (feathers were dangerous!) and x-ed out the completed items.
The first line stared dolefully at her, visibly unaccomplished, mocking her.
In her small world, the idea seemed a travesty.
Twirling her fishing line around her index finger, Haruno Sakura set off towards the Uchiha estate. The night was still young.
A/N: Rather than embarrass myself with anything remotely serious, I make my ffnet debut with a quirky crack!fic. (and grossly abused modifiers...)/ Comments?