Thanks for your reviews and I am so sorry for the delay, but life was going crazy and I had a writer's block and I don't know, I had a really hard time coming up with this chapter, I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: blablabla, nope, I don't own it, neither does ASP! You know what I mean…
For all of you who suggested a Jess chapter, I really wanna do it, but I am scared shitless, because I am sure that I will screw this up, and I think a chapter from Jess's POV randomly thrown in here will have that effect. Maybe I'm writing a sequel from Jess's POV; we will see. Thanks for your support.
Rory´s POV:
"Come on, Jess! It's obvious." I exclaimed; my fear and insecurity finally having faded and turned into slight traces of anger. Cat, Jess and I had spent the day at Jess's apartment, oh no at their apartment, the laced bra definitely had showed that and Cat had been a master of manipulation. Witty comments here and there, randomly thrown in facts of Jess's past that had made it all too clear that she had known Jess for a longer amount of time than I had.
Jess and I had gone to the movies tonight and now we were on our way back to my apartment. Jess had his arms wrapped around me lazily and pressed a kiss on my forehead from time to time as if he had sensed my discomfort. Jess stopped in his tracks, eyeing me curiously.
"What is?" I sighed and buried my face in my hands, keeping myself from screaming frustrated.
"Cat." I spit out. I knew that Jess wanted us to get along, but also I had learned from experience, that in a relationship any relationship you had to actually talk about the things that were bothering you. Conversation, communication, keeping the other up to date was an essential aspect in the socializing standards if you don't wanna find yourself trapped in a web of indifference and lack of passion and most important honesty. I really wasn't mad or disappointed at Jess, but he seemed to be oblivious about what was going on around him. That girl had set her goal, she wanted what I claimed to be mine, as pathetic as it may sound, he was mine. Not in this weird way "you can't play with my puppet, it's mine!", but in the way that was based on commitment, trust and love. Not that I wanted Cat to play with my puppet, but well that's a totally different matter. I rolled my eyes as I was met by Jess's deep brown, oblivious eyes.
"Cat?" He shook his head and laughed ironically. It was driving me insane. I hadn't intended to tell Jess about the conversation that Cat and I had shared earlier today, and I was gonna stick to that, but there had to be a way to show him that actually Cat was feeling more than just friendish feelings for him. It wasn't that I couldn't understand her, after all I was head over heels for that man, but that didn't necessarily mean that I wanted to share what I had. "Oh Rory, you are so naïve!" I wonder what she would have said if Jess hadn't interrupted us.
"Yes, Cat. Come on, Jess. You have no idea how the female mind works. You are oblivious." Although we were on the verge of fighting, we didn't abandon the physical contact. I was still wrapped tightly in Jess's arms, I was still feeling his breath on my cheek, and I was still playing with his belt loops as my hand was resting securely on his hip under his jacket. It was as if, although we were having an argument, we wanted to reassure the other that we wouldn't run, wouldn't back off; it felt good, relieving to know that he was here with me and wouldn't be going anywhere. Jess chuckled lightly.
"And here I though I had had years of practice to figure it all out. I thought I was doing pretty well actually." I sighed and dropped my head.
"I'm serious, Jess." He stopped and looked at me with that irresistible smirk of his on his face. He leaned closer until his breath tickled my nose.
"So am I. I really think I'm doing pretty well." I put my hands up in surrender and glared at him, my anger at his childish behavior boiling inside of me.
"Fine, be that way." I exclaimed and withdrew myself from his embrace. I suddenly felt cold at the sudden lack of closeness, and although it was the end of May I shivered involuntarily.
"Rory, come on." Jess suddenly seemed to grasp the importance that this subject held for me. He tried to reach out to grab my hand, but I buried them in my coat pocket.
"No, Jess. You come on! Why don't you see it?" Jess groaned frustrated and let out a deep breath.
"I am not having this conversation with you again." He stated calmly, contradicting his facial expression. I could tell that it took all of his will power not be fuming openly. On the inside? Maybe.
I folded my arms over my chest and glared at him.
"What?" I asked disbelievingly. I was definitely not acting like myself, and I hated this aspect of my personality.
"I said that I was not having this conversation with you." Jess's voice was laced with fury. I didn't let it go.
"You mean, not here? Or in general?" Jess pressed his lips together firmly, apparently contemplating about his answer. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts.
"Why does she bother you so much? You don't even know her." I finally got him talking, actually participating in this conversation.
"Oh, I know enough." I snorted condescendingly. I wanted to slap myself. Jess bit his bottom lip.
"Well, let's see. Remember the time when we ran into Logan? You did sleep with him, right? Did I act funny? Did I instantly not like him?" Apparently Jess tried to suppress a grin, but was failing miserably.
"Yeah, well I hate him." He continued after a beat, his grin now resembling a full blown smirk. I always had been proud of my self control, so when I didn't smile back at this very moment, I had once again taken the upper hand.
"That's different." I mumbled. Jess raised an eyebrow and looked at me strangely.
"Different? Different how?" I sighed and buried my hands even deeper into my pockets.
"I was with him, He was my boyfriend. It was not just a fling." Jess snorted and I instantly regretted having said that.
"Now, that makes me feel better." He took a deep breath "and besides" he continued. "Cat wasn't just a fling either." I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat that had slowly been growing to the size of a medium sized apple. What?
"What?" What exactly was he telling me?
"She wasn't just some girl that I picked up at a bar and had sex with; she was my best friend first." I swallowed, not being able to keep back the words that were about to come out of my mouth.
"Like me?" Oh boy, I knew the minute his eyes darkened that I was in major trouble.
"Excuse me?" He withdrew his hands roughly from the spot on my elbow where they had been resting earlier.
"You picked me up at some bar and had sex with me the same night." I tried to keep the tears from falling, successfully. What was I doing here? I took out my freshly resurfaced insecurity on him, projecting my accusations on him. Jess took a deep breath.
"You lost it, Rory. You totally lost it." I shook my head sadly.
"I didn't mean that; I am sorry." Jess rubbed his eyes as he tilted his head to one side, his expression blank.
"Well, you mentioned it, so it must have been on your mind. Ask Freud, I bet he would agree with me." I decided to be honest, to actually tell him what was bothering me, why I was acting the way I was.
"I am so sorry, Jess. You know I am. I am terrified, okay? Terrified that you're gonna find someone better, someone you relate to more, someone you have more in common with. Dean left me, because he said he wouldn't belong in my world, after I had lost my virginity to him. God, he was married for crying out loud. Logan cheated on me in more ways that I can count. The other guys in my life I haven't even let them get close enough so they wouldn't be in the position to hurt me. I always kept them at an arm's length, emotionally I mean. So they wouldn't invade my personal space. I am terrified because my Dad left my Mom to be with someone else, I am terrified because you are the first person I let come close, you are the first person that I actually couldn't just not let come close. It felt to damn natural to fall in love with you that it is scaring the hell out of me, okay?" When I was finished with my rant, I was sobbing violently; I felt the salty, unique taste on my lips. I was still sobbing when I felt Jess's arms around. I cried into his chest, cried all the insecurity away, hoping that it would vanish along with the tears. Jess kissed the crown of my head, tightening his hold on me. His muscular arms embraced me and he pressed my body close to his, trying to comfort me the best he could.
"Shhh, baby." Jess whispered soothing nonsense in my ear, but for me it was the most deliberating sound of the world. They should make songs with this sound. Redefine music.
"I am so sorry, Jess. I didn't mean to not trust you. I do. Trust you that is. But sometimes I just can't help it. I can't help asking myself what if." I sobbed into his chest as he caressed my back with his long, delicate fingers. After what seemed like hours, Jess pushed me away softly and bended his knees so he could look me in the eye. I dropped my head in order to avoid his eyes, but he tilted my head up with his hand and made it impossible for me to flee from his gaze.
"Ror´, look at me." His voice was soft and I was wondering why he even put up with me; He answered my unasked question as if he was reading my mind.
"I love you, Rory. Don't compare me to the others. Screw the others. I am me, as bad as it sounds, I am. I am not Dean, who by the way you have never mentioned by name before." He chuckled slightly as if he wanted to ease the tension hanging thickly in the air. He continued.
"I am not Logan, who, yes I admit it, I hated with every fiber of my being the minute I laid my eyes on him. And you know why? Because he got to touch you." I smiled through my blurred vision at his words.
"I am Jess Mariano, and although most people who know me would say that this was a bad omen, and I'm trying my best to make this work. After all, I have it all figured out." He smirked and leaned in close. I opened my mouth to reply to his rant, but he cut me off by putting his index finger on my lips. Before replacing his finger with his mouth, he whispered something.
"I know." My eyes fluttered close as his mouth descended on mine. I put into that kiss all my emotions, passion, fear, but as well as the over powering feeling of love, tasting him, exploring his mouth all over again. As he ran his tongue over my teeth, I moaned audibly. He pulled back slightly and smiled at me.
"See? I have it all figured out." I laughed deliberated into the next kiss, pulling him closer to me, glad that maybe the last obstacle was taken care off. Boy, I had no idea how wrong I was.
So what do you think? I know it is short, but I completely rewrote the chapter, because the other one sucked even more. I had intended to actually have a Rory/ Cat confrontation, but I decided against it. Yet. Anyhow, tell me, what you think, please review! Thanks for taking the time to read, and now, push the nice button, you know you want to. Anyhow, hopefully Rory´s insecurity is finally eased a bit. But i hope you understand where she came from...