Disclaimer: I do not and will never own Ragnarok. (Again with the stupid disclaimer. As if once wasn't enough.)
Author's Note: Okay, I'm starting a bit early because I have some time right now. (Thank God for Jewish holidays.) Plus, I don't think anyone is going to complain against updating quickly unless they really hate me. Alright, as of now, I've got two reviewers. So thank you for the reviews, Somnus and Chikai Tenshi. I've decided to keep it mainly from Loki's perspective (sorry Liz) because I think I can understand him more than Fenris and hopefully write a better fic from his perspective. I'll try to add more dialogue, so forgive me if the whole chapter comes out hopelessly mangled as a result. I can't say that I enjoy writing dialogue, but I'll try. Oh, and also, the romance and stuff like that will come, I promise. I just can't promise that it'll be good. It wasn't really in the first chapter because that was just an intro. Just a little side note, if any of you noticed, Loki refers to his companions by their titles except for Fenris. I did that to show that he is closer to her than the others. Well, anyway, that's enough from me. Enjoy! (Or at least I
hope you will…)
Emotions Part II
Blah- private thoughts
Driven by his new goal, Loki started to stay close to Fenris. It became rare to see the warlock without the presence of the silent assassin nearby. At times, he could even be seen walking with her and actually talking with her about miscellaneous things. After all, he did have to protect her, which meant he would have to stay close to her. Needless to say, the rest of the group quickly noticed this and started to speculate.
"Err, is it just me, or has Loki been hanging around Fenris a lot lately?" Chaos stated to Iris while Loki and Fenris were away.
Iris stopped what she was doing and replied back, "Now that you mention it, he has, hasn't he... I wonder why….," then Iris lit up, "maybe Loki…. likes her."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONONONONONONONONO!"
Chaos and Iris both jumped in surprise.
"What the bloody hell….?"
Suddenly Lidia came barging out of nowhere with a frighteningly maniacal look.
"THERE'S NO WAY LOKI WOULD LOVE ANYONE BUT ME! HE'S MINE! MINE, I TELL YOU!"
"………"
"Riiight" was all Chaos could come up with.
"YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME! I'LL SHOW YOU! NOTHING CAN BREAK THE BONDS OF OUR DESTINED LOVE. NOTHING! OUR LO—"
"Are you all right? You do not seem well." At that moment, Loki suddenly appeared out of nowhere in normal fashion, causing Lidia to jump nearly ten feet into the air.
"GOOD GOD! DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!" Lidia had to pause to regain her breath, trying in vain to hide the huge blush rising on her face.
Not that it really mattered. Loki may be one of the most powerful beings alive with amazing perceptive skills, but he could be amazingly dense at times. Especially in matters like this.
"Have you caught a fever? You do not seem to be well. Your face is also quite red. Perhaps you should rest?"
Yup, he could definitely be incredibly dense.
"………."
Luckily for Lidia, Fenris came to the rescue. "Um….Loki? I think she will be fine. Perhaps it would be best for her to be left alone to cool down a little."
"I see."
The others could only stare and gape at the oblivious wonder that was Loki.
Loki POV
Lately, Loki had never let Fenris stay out of his sight for long. After all, he had sworn to watch over her. He also went out on frequent walks with her away from the camp and conversed with her over various matters. He hoped that such diversions would help to lessen the pain she felt over Chaos. It was not much, and he was afraid that it did not help at all. It was odd. For once, he was powerless to do something that he truly wanted to accomplish.
What else could he do? He could think of nothing else.
However, to his great surprise, he found himself enjoying himself on these frequent outings. It was quite peaceful with the absence of their more rowdy companions. Their conversations could be peaceful as well, although they were sometimes quite animated. Sometimes, it seemed that Fenris would forget about everything else, including Chaos, during their simple conversations, which made him oddly pleased. At first, he had been slightly worried about that, but had then dismissed it as unimportant. After all, that was his goal. To his surprise, he also found that he felt abnormally content when he was with her.
Complacency would get you killed.
Yet another jewel of wisdom he had learned in his training to become an assassin, and one that he would have to remember.
Even if their conversations were often frivolous in his opinion, they helped him to understand the enigma known as Fenris Fenrir. He learned much by listening to her and simply observing her. The more he learned about her, the more he was intrigued by her. Her personality had a countless number of different sides. She could be wise, and yet foolish; grave, and yet also lighthearted. Every time he felt that he had learned all that there was to her, she surprised him yet again with another side of her. At times, he felt that he could spend his whole life trying to find out who Fenris really was.
And at times, he felt that it would not be such a waste of time to try.
Wait. Was this an example of "emotions"? He would have to be careful. They seemed to creep out at even the slightest notion lately. He could not let his "emotions" get in the way of his duty to protect Fenris. After all, the one rule that he had learned to obey above all others, his own personal mantra, was simply that:
Emotions made you weak.
A weak person could not be depended to protect anyone, not even himself. Without power, goodwill meant nothing. He had learned that throughout his whole life. If he had power, he could protect whatever he wished, whether it be the balance of the world or the safety of his companions. If he had been stronger, then he might have been able to get back to the Assassin's Guild in time to stop its brutal massacre at the hands of Skurai. He could not allow himself to become weak if he wished to protect anyone during the course of their journey.
With power, he could protect everything he wished to. Emotions would only hamper him if he allowed himself to be ruled by them.
Not that he really thought that Fenris was weak. Far from it. It was quite odd. She obviously felt emotions, most notably in the form of her love for Chaos, and yet could by no means be considered weak. She possessed great powers, as she had shown in her complete and thorough victory at the Tournament in the Magic Festival of Geffen. She had won all her battles with complete ease, showing knowledge of some of the most powerful spells in all of existence.
How was it possible? How could she be so strong even under the influence of emotions?
That was yet another puzzle about her that he had yet to solve.
She was a puzzle. He could not seem to understand her at all.
And yet, for some bizarre reason, he did not care if he did not understand her. As long as he was with her, he felt that he didn't have to know everything about her. It almost felt as if it was better that he not understand her, but that was completely irrational, and irrationality was not something the stoic Assassin of the Cross was known for.
Fenris' POV
She was Fenris Fenrir, the reincarnation of the Wolf God. In her past life, she had been in love with the god named Balder. Unfortunately, she and her love had both died in a battle against Freya. Fenris had been reincarnated as a human woman with magical talent. Fortunately, she had retained all of her memories of her past life. Unfortunately, she had had no knowledge of where the reincarnation of her love was or who he was. She had gone through many ordeals to discover the identity of his reincarnation and had at last succeeded, tracking him down to a mountain city named Fayon. She had been driven by a single thought.
I can finally be reunited with Balder!
Unfortunately, when she finally found him, he did not recognize her at all. Furthermore, he brushed her off and was apparently already in love with a young cleric named Iris, the princess of the town.
She had been crushed.
Here was the man she had searched for all her life, the reincarnation of her long-lost lover. And he did not even recognize her. He had even gone so far as to fall in love with someone else. Her life lost all meaning in that single dreadful moment of revelation.
What had it all been for? All the searching, the trials, the suffering?
However, she was strong enough to keep on living after that. Even if he was no longer Balder, she would always support him. Even if he did not know that anymore. She would never go so far as to leave him alone to go through Ragnarok, the war of the gods, without guidance. She stayed strong and decided to help Chaos, as he was now called, in everything she could.
But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Of course it hurt. It hurt her every time she saw him, but could not profess her profound love for him. It hurt when she longed for him to remember all that they had gone through together in their past life. It hurt every time she saw him with Iris, who now thought of her as an older sister. It hurt like she could never have imagined had she not been forced to experience it. But through it all, one thing never changed.
She would do anything for Balder, in whatever form he may be.
It was the single remaining truth in her life. Nothing could ever take it away from her. It defined her. It was all she had left. And that was how it always would be. Or at least, that was what she believed.
Truth be told, there were times when she wished she could change that. There were times when she wished that she wasn't so devoted to Chaos. Surely she had gone through enough? There was no need to force herself to go through endless torture every time she saw him. He was already happy with his new life, with Iris. He no longer needed her, even if she still needed him.
But she couldn't. If she did, she would lose herself.
Her only solace lately had been the fact that she had someone to talk to, someone that she could share her pain with. That someone was none other than the silent Assassin of the Cross Loki. She had never expected to be able to confide in him. It had simply never occurred to her. He had always been so aloof and unapproachable, and she had respected that. But, only a few nights ago, he had been the one to approach her when she had watched Chaos. He had been the one to acknowledge her pain and let her know, albeit without words, that he understood.
For the first time in a long time, she felt as if she could trust someone with her feelings.
For the longest time, she had had to keep her feelings to herself. All she could do was watch as Chaos and Iris became closer and agonize over what could have been. There was little chance that Lidia, the immature thief, would be a good choice as a confidant. To be honest, she had not thought Loki would have been one either, but he had apparently proven her wrong. The brooding assassin would not betray her trust, and had no reason to do so.
She could feel at ease, free from her pain, around him.
Loki was undemanding. He did what he felt he should and expected no thanks for it, which Fenris was grateful for. She did not have to worry about obligations and such around him. Lately, he had stayed around her, as if to protect her. The simple gesture touched her, and he obviously expected nothing in return. If he had, she probably would not have been able to do much for him.
His stoicism helped her to remain strong. Sometimes she wished she could be as emotionless as he was. Would that stop the pain she felt from looking at Chaos? Obviously. However, she could not emulate that, and when she tried, could not understand how he could. She had never realized how hard it was to just rid oneself of all emotions. No matter how hard she tried, she could not keep all of her emotions under a rigid control.
How did he do it?
Loki was truly an enigma. At first, he seemed ruthless and cold. But, once she took the time to try to get acquainted with him, she detected a fierce sense of loyalty and duty within him. He seemed to view her pain as something that he was obligated as a companion to alleviate as best he could. Such behavior could hardly be called cold and ruthless. He was easy to judge, but much harder to actually know.
Was it even possible to know everything about Loki?
Now that she thought about it, it seemed as if he had always been there to help her. At the airship, he had saved their lives twice. First he had taken care of the deadly wyvern fire that would have decimated Chaos, which would in turn have decimated her heart. Then he had been there to catch her when she was falling.
Why was he helping her?
Well, whatever the reason, she now had a confidant. Someone she could talk to and simply enjoy the sometimes slow pace of life with. And she was grateful for just that small relief in her pain. She doubted if her pain would ever just disappear, but at least now she had someone to help her through the pain and suffering.
And that was very comforting indeed.
Author's Note: HA! I updated in one day. Beat that! And I wrote it all today, too. Well, anyway, could people review please? I desperately need feedback. Yeah, I kind of failed at the whole dialogue thing. I just put a bunch at the top and then stopped. --;; So, sorry about that. I'll try to do better to make Fenris and Loki actually talk to each other after this chapter. It's still moving slow, so just bear with me please. I'm not sure how long this story is going to be.
REVIEW PLEASE