Disclaimer: Okay, I seriously do not own Ragnarok or its characters. Do I really have to keep repeating myself? Sheesh.
Author's Note: Okay, here's my new rant. This chapter obviously isn't as fast as my other updates, but that's not really saying much since my other chapters were pretty fast. I really have to thank all my reviewers. I actually got a couple reviews for my last chapter, so I'm pretty happy. It really helps as motivation. I'm getting to what I'm hoping will be the angsty part, now that Fenris and Loki have gotten to become close friends. Why, you ask? Because I don't like fluff that much unless it's really good fluff, which I think would be hard to write. So I'll just try to go for a little angst. Not sure how it'll turn out, but it might work. It'll be my first try at angst, (technically, this story is my first try on everything) so feel free to offer some constructive criticism or pointers. On to my fourth chapter! (Wow, I didn't expect this to be that long. At first, I thought it was just going to be a one-shot. Freaky.)
Emotions Part IV
Blah- private thoughts
Loki's POV
Friendship.
What an odd word. Such a small word barely encompassed all that it actually meant. It involved joy, pain, comfort, peace, agitation, and many other feelings. It was a strong example of a human emotion, perhaps the strongest for him. It was truly a foreign concept to the once emotionless Assassin, but he appreciated it nonetheless. Just that feeling of friendship was enough for him to want to accompany Fenris all the time.
Was friendship always this strong for everyone?
If that was the case, then emotions, especially friendship, were all incredibly powerful. How did people manage to live with all their emotions? To one who had cast off his emotions long ago, it was a huge mystery.
Could he manage to live with so many emotions all at once?
There was no reason that he would not be capable of what all people could do. But, he still wondered.
Was he even "human"?
He had not honestly considered himself a "human" for most of his life. If he were not truly human, then perhaps he would not be able to deal with so many conflicting emotions. It would be best not to try. Perhaps doing so would make him as weak as a normal powerless human.
After all, emotions made you weak.
And yet, without even realizing it, he started to become accustomed to emotions. When he was with her, he could feel more than he had ever done. Sometimes, talking with her, he forgot about everything else, whether it was their quest, their objective, or his questions about humanity and emotions. He could barely remember a time when he had not regularly talked with her.
Was that alright?
He did not know if it was a weakness. It certainly didn't make him feel weak, so how could he know? He never got the chance to dwell on it for too long. Whenever he thought about it, it always seemed as if something else came up. He probably wouldn't be able to figure it out, even with as much time as he could possibly want. He couldn't seem to figure out quite a lot of things ever since he had become friends with Fenris. It worried him sometimes.
What worried him even more was that sometimes he didn't care.
Fenris' POV
Friendship.
To her, friendship was her sanctuary. It meant so much more than what the small word would imply. She could find support from her friends and draw strength from them. To her, friendship was one of the most important concepts of life. Without friends, without at least companionship, how could one find meaning to life?
Then there was Loki.
She had established that he was her friend. And yet, it seemed as if he had never had any friends before her. How had he done it? Surely one as talented and remarkable as him would have managed to make many friends? Then she realized the reason why.
He was an Assassin. And not just any assassin, he was an Assassin of the Cross.
As such an important and imposing figure, coupled with his naturally daunting personality, few dared to approach him. She did not doubt that even his closest comrades feared him to some extent. With no one daring to treat him normally, he would have naturally grown up without any friends. After all, if no one could put their fear of him aside, how could they be considered his friends? All of which led to a rather interesting question.
How had she become his friend?
For some reason, she did not fear him as so many others did. Perhaps it was because he was not truly as fearsome as most people seemed to believe. Although he could certainly be fearsome, there were times when he was just a person who felt the need to help others or follow his duty. There were also times when she thought that he was not as emotionless as he often seemed. Sometimes, when they talked, she would catch him almost smiling, even if it was just a small quirk of his lips. Of course, when he noticed, he would ruthlessly quash the smile and pretend it had never happened. It was really quite amusing, not at all befitting the image of the cold-blooded killer many thought him to be. Even Iris was afraid of him, and she traveled with him every day.
Not many saw what she saw when she looked at him.
Hm. That was a rather spontaneous thought. But it was still true. Over time, she had gotten to know him quite well and sometimes even guess what he was thinking. Not that it was easy to do. Rather, it was quite the opposite. As well as she had gotten to know him, there were still so many things she did not understand about him. Seeing as she was the person who probably understood him the most, Loki certainly was an enigmatic character.
And yet, that fact did not seem to bother her in the least.
Loki's POV
It was a normal day, bright and clear. As per his usual fashion, he had gone over to Fenris' tent to wait for her to wake up. When she woke up and got ready, she came out.
He then silently acknowledged her presence with a nod and waited for her to decide where they would go for their walk. After she decided, they went out, starting a small conversation eventually.
Perfectly normal. It was the routine they went through every day.
As they were walking through a rather dense part of the forest, talking animatedly (or at least as animatedly as Loki was going to get), it happened.
Wordlessly, she fell to the ground, pierced by a tiny dart obviously tipped with some sort of poison.
At that moment, time froze.
The assassin sent to murder them aimed for Loki next…only to find him gone. Before he could wonder at where he was, Loki appeared directly in front of him, a look of cold and piercing rage on his face.
The fool never knew what hit him.
He carried Fenris back to the camp to be taken care of. He brought her to Iris, uttering only three words.
"Heal. Her. Now."
Suppressing her questions in light of the situation, she quickly went to work trying to heal Fenris. Loki stood and watched, no cohesive thoughts forming in his mind. All he could think of was her safety.
Nothing else mattered.
After a few minutes of casting her healing spells, Iris finished. Loki could not take the suspense. Either she would be alright or she wouldn't.
How was she?
Iris spoke up. "She'll be fine with some rest. She might have to rest for quite a while, even a couple of days. Now, just what in the world happened?"
Indeed, just what had happened? The answer was quite simple.
"I failed."
Outside, Loki went to seek solitude. He did not want to talk to anyone. Not Iris, Chaos, or Lidia. All they would do was ask what had happened. And he would only have one answer.
He had failed.
He had made a solemn vow to protect her, from any kind of pain. What kind of protector allowed the person he was protecting to get poisoned right in front of his eyes? Only a weakling.
When had he become so weak?
He was Loki. He was the greatest of the Assassins, even among the powerful Assassins of the Cross. He never failed in any mission he was assigned. He carried out his missions with cold and awe-inspiring proficiency and alacrity. He was the most formidable foe any being who sought to disrupt the balance could think of. Not that many even knew he existed. His skill was too great to allow anyone who saw what he was to escape.
Was that who he was anymore?
It was laughable. He, of all people, had let some fool novice assassin, not even of the Guild, get close enough to poison Fenris. He almost felt like laughing. At the same time, he also felt like crying. And then he realized the bitter truth.
He had let his emotions weaken him.
He had sworn not to let his emotions get in the way. And yet, here he was, wanting to cry. He had failed in more ways than he could imagine, it seemed. He had let himself feel. It went against everything he had learned, everything he lived by. But he had let himself feel anyway. He had been too caught up with Fenris and her company. Too caught up in her personality, her wonder, her wisdom, her beauty.
Too caught up in her.
And then it hit him. How could he have missed it? How had he become so foolish as to not realize it?
He was in love with her.
He had let himself feel love. It had not even occurred to him that he would ever feel that way. And yet, looking back, it all made sense. He enjoyed their time together altogether too much. He enjoyed listening to her, looking at her, being with her. He had let himself get too caught up in her to notice that an assassin had crept up to poison her.
He was a fool.
He had thought that he would never let his emotions get the better of him. Subconsciously, he had realized that he was in love, but had dismissed it. Without even realizing it, he had made the decision that he could still protect her even if he loved her.
And that was what had almost killed her.
He had watched her fall in front of him. She could very well have died. After all, Loki had given the assassin all the opportunities he could possibly want. He was more grateful than he had ever been that she was still alive.
If she died, he died. It was no dramatic proclamation. It was the cold, stark truth. And with that realization, he made another vow. This one, he meant to keep, even if it killed him. Even if it meant he would never be able to go back to how he had been before. Even if it destroyed a part of him that he would never be able to regain.
He would not feel ever again. Especially not love.
Author's Note: It's finished! And it sucked. Really, really sucked. But that's okay, right?(Yeah right)
From the very beginning, I had had this planned out. It just took a lot longer to get to this part than I thought. I didn't really seem to convey what I wanted to, but as long as you guys get the general idea. So, yeah. Now that Loki finally gets it through to himself that he actually loves her, he decides that he won't. How's that for Loki's character? It's just something I imagine he would do. It's too bad. I just can't seem to make it easy for poor Loki and Fenris. Oh well, I'm sure that they don't mind. (right?)
I'll update eventually, whenever I get around to it. I should be finishing this story in the next one or two chapters. Unless someone wants an epilogue. If any one does, be sure to tell me. Reviews would be appreciated. I got some really good reviews last chapter. :D (To jj otaku, I did join the forum. Ragnarok is awesome!)