I was actually going to submit a chapter several days ago, except I made a mistake: I left it up on my computer. I returned home that night to find this note on my computer:
TODAY IS June 30, 2006
THERE ARE 8-MILLION STORIES IN THE NAKED CITY THIS IS ONLY ONE OF THEM. YOU CAN EITHER LISTEN OR RUN LIKE PIGEON HUNTING FOR A DROP OF FOOD ON THE STREET.
DEAR KELSEY,
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO PUT THOSE EXTRA WORDS ON YOUR STORY. I WILL HUNT FOR HIM; I MEAN THEM LIKE THEY LOOKED FOR DEEP THROAT. YOU KNOW THAT GUY IN WATERGATE WHO GAVE UP ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT NIXON.
I AM ON THE CASE 24-7. YES EVEN WHEN I AM ASLEEP.
YOUR LOVING FATHER, DAD
Rather than hunting through the entire chapter and trying to delete all of my dad's additions, and potentially missing something, I wrote an entirely new chapter. I think I like this one more, anyway. I hope you enjoy it, and remember, I have no more a right to mess with Lord of the Rings than my Dad does to mess with my stories. Even if he is funny about it.
-The Author
Amrothos leaned his head into the pillow of his cot. This was the last night he would sleep in the ridiculous thing. Tomorrow, o tomorrow, he would have a bath, a real hot bath, and fresh food, and a real bed with a real mattress…
He rolled over and scratched under his arm again. Would that skin never stop itching? It must be rubbed raw again. Drat that maid, that big one of Eowyn's. He should have known they were all in it together. But it had been the little ones that did the Stable Boy's bidding…salt in his milk and the worms in his meals, acorns under his saddle, inflated bags finding their way on his seat in front of the Lady Eowyn, et al. He was tired. He needed his sleep.
"Olmin!"
"Ana!"
It was that tiny maid, and Olmin, he had to think a little bit, that was one of Faramir's pages.
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh, you know, walking. Yourself?"
"Just walking."
If they were going to talk so loud right outside his tent, couldn't they say something interesting? He rolled over again and scratched his burning chest. Itching powder instead of deodorant. When Eowyn was his wife, he would replace all her servants with women he trusted.
"Anywhere specific?" Olmin asked.
"Just in circles."
"Oh," said Olmin. "Circles."
"Yes," said Ana. "Circles. Just a pointless circle. A round object, having no beginning and no end. It never changes. You just go around and around. And no circumference, either, did you know that? No one has ever figured out the meaning of pi. And they need it, somehow, to solve the circumference of a circle. Right now pi is just an endless stream of numbers, and kind of pointless. It repeats after a while, never ending. It's very repetitive."
"Some of us are trying to sleep," Amrothos called.
There was a pause.
"Please go on," said Olmin. "I believe earlier you were going to explain something about proportions?"
"Yes," said Ana. "You see, I wanted to ask you, as it seems like something you would know, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"
"700 grams," said Olmin.
"Please leave," Amrothos moaned.
"If you want a better scenario, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?"
"Excellent question," said Ana. "I have no idea. Did you know that she sells sea shells by the sea shore?"
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Amrothos cried. "You didn't even…"
"I didn't know that," Olmin said. "Did you hear that Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall?"
"No!" Ana gasped.
"For the love of the King, SHUT UP!"
There was a pause. Then someone knocked on his tent pole. "What?" Amrothos grunted.
"Package for you, sir." It was Ana. He decided not to move. He wasn't going to be tricked again. "It's from Lady Eowyn."
How could he ignore that? He obediently rose, threw on a dressing gown, and opened his curtain. Ana stood there, looking tiny and innocent. Olmin was nowhere to be seen. Probably hiding in a shadow nearby, or continuing one of his circles.
Ana dipped into a curtsey, and held out a can.
"What is this?" Amrothos asked, trying to discreetly scratch his left shoulder. He took the can with his free left hand, and looked it over. It appeared to have a screw-top. He removed his hand from his shoulder and twisted. The top came off easily. And then something hit him in the nose.
"Ow!"
Another prank! It was nothing but a spring-loaded trap. Ana fell over in giggles. Nearby, more giggles were heard. Amrothos rubbed his nose and snarled at her until she left. He fell back onto his cot, and thought that tomorrow night would never come.