Warning: It should be 'warnings' but I'm too lazy to add an s. Okay so though Relena isn't in the chapter she's still number one on everyone's 'need to kill list', Shounen-ai can be considered present and accounted for, language will be coarse, oddness will be ubiquitous (I've always wanted to use that word), and characters will be ripped from their niches of…character..ness.
Disclaimer: I'm seriously running out of ideas as to how I can say that I can't claim any sort of ownership to Gundam Wing. Hey, said it without intending to! That's good enough, right? Oh and I should also add that I think lawyers are awesome. All that suing and the elitism and the roundabout ways of saying things and all the 'party of the first' and such. This is just sad. Skip to the fic.
Parabola of Mystery
Chapter Five
"So we've been out in this jungle for the past five hours and we still aren't any closer to reaching our goal. I think that it's due to you losers having no sense of direction, but, either way I'm gonna take the blame for it. So I figure that if I take suggestions and we plan ahead then maybe it'll go better and we can get to 'it' before the enemy does," Mr. Nasal bellowed.
The Cowardly Lions and their battered hostages were currently holed up right against what looked kind of like a mountain…in the jungle. Duo and Wufei were beginning to think that they had stepped into an alternate dimension filled with idiots. One of the men at the front, kneeling so everyone could see, raised his hand as soon as Nasal was done. Tower nearly jumped up and down with glee when his commander nodded with all the authority of a king.
"I think that we should split into teams and try and find it from there. Then when the other team is in trouble of being eaten by bloodthirsty wolves, the second team can leap in and save them at the last minute…"
He would have continued but Nasal stopped him dead with a sharp jab to the shoulder with, you guessed it, his gun. Duo and Wufei also doubted if they knew there were other uses for their weapons.
"I can see you've put a lot of thought into it but I don't want to break up into teams. Too much trouble. What about the rest of you zombies?"
All eyes averted. Falcon even whistled, the picture of panicked nonchalance, as he crossed his arms and nudged the earth with his foot. Nasal sighed and spun to face the captives.
"What about you two? Any ideas?"
Wufei opened his mouth and closed it. He was torn between the desire to strike his head against the mountain and end it all and actually answering the man's question.
"You're asking us? How the Hell would we know? You're the ones who captured us, the least you could do is lead us around," Duo said.
"I just thought that since you're here and at our command, you ladies could contribute."
Duo smiled, "we have different opinions about what the duties of hostages are."
The commander took a long moment to let these words try and make sense before he snorted and secured his gun to his back. He grunted at his men to get back in position and they soon roughly pushed their hostages back to the middle of the formation.
"Okay we're marching north!"
"Which way's north?"
"Well you make an L with your hand and…"
"No, that's left."
"Oh. How about where the moss grows?"
"What moss?"
"Does anyone have a compass?"
"No, I traded mine back at base for this cool watch. It lights up and plays 'everybody's workin' for the weekend'."
"Kill me."
"Please tell me we at least have a map with us?"
"No, I traded that in too but for a ring. It broke already so that wasn't too great a trade."
"I had mine but…well I didn't have any tp and…"
"KILL ME! NOW!"
"My compass broke when the mean one hit me for stepping on his foot."
"I heard that anyway you go can be considered north."
Everybody's workin for the weekend. Everybody wants a little romance…
"I'll even try and escape. Just use the damn gun and put me out of my misery."
"Calm down Wu-man, it's kind of a catchy song, actually."
"Kill him first."
"Both of you, shut up! I'm thinking."
"HA! I win!"
"Win what?"
"The bet. He does think."
Wham
"Oww!"
You want a piece of my he-art, you'd better start from the start
"I think this way's north…why would the sign lie?"
"A sign? In the middle of the jungle?"
"It's a very helpful jungle."
"Please Nataku, just come and kill me…"
Quatre pulled off the headphones and waited until Trowa did the same. A few minutes after the blonde lost spectacularly at a game of Speed they finally agreed that there was a sort of 'beeping' sound coming from the hangar. From there it was easy to figure out that Duo had set off his tracer and then it was a matter of sending out this neat little invention called a 'bug'. Uninspired but simple. They figured out the general distance between the two points and sent it out to try and pick up any audio. It was a clever though sometimes confusing way to understand just how intense the situation was. After a few minutes of listening, the two had a good idea of the situation: Duo and Wufei had been captured. What they couldn't figure out was exactly why the other two pilots were still in captivity.
"Maybe they have plan," Quatre mused.
Trowa kept his silence, though it spoke for itself, and put the headphones back to his ears. Quatre looked at the rapidly blinking signal the tracer presented thoughtfully.
"I doubt these guys are former OZ but you never can be too careful. I'll go out in Sandrock and retrieve them," he said.
"Hmm, we haven't heard from Heero either. Is it really a good idea to go out there in our Gundams? We could just as easily do it in person."
Quatre stopped from climbing up Sandrock to consider his friend's words. He felt that when Trowa actually did say something, it was always worth it to listen more then if it were said by someone else. For instance, he could go for days and never take anything Duo said seriously because all he said could be considered pure crap but when Trowa made a statement it was usually dripping with wisdom unfairly beyond his years.
"What if those guys have mobile suits or backup? I think it's better to be safe."
Quatre started as he heard more beeping, this time from inside his Gundam. He climbed up Sandrock and stuck his head inside the cockpit. There was a glowing icon in the corner of the formerly blank screen. The blonde looked at it curiously before typing in a few commands to bring up a nondescript file. As he read, his expressions ranged from concerned, to surprised, and finally alarmed. He quickly pushed himself back out, ignoring that he scraped his hands hard against the opening of the cockpit.
"Trowa I just got a message. A fringe OZ organization called 'The Cowardly Lion' has just taken several diplomats in London hostage. According to the mail, they've been sending out small units all over the globe to do things. So far there have been three bombings in Europe and mobile suits have attacked bases in Japan and America…"
Trowa didn't appear to react, well, that was Trowa. He blinked as the information washed over him before turning back to look at the tracer where Duo's signal still beeped eagerly.
"…Son of a bitch."
Wufei and Duo stood aside while the ten men of the Cowardly Lion cut a perplexingly tangled group of vines and branches in their direct path. How they got so knotted, anyone could only guess but it was yet another convenient excuse to slow down and take a break. Wufei was close to his breaking point as was Duo but that was because he was tired of being a meal to every insect in Sorolaff.
"This is just ridiculous, if they were going to pick us up then they probably would have. I'm tired of seeing these specimens of OZ's military might try and shoot vines into submission," Wufei said through clenched teeth.
Duo leaned back nonchalantly against a tree and wriggled his wrists back and forth under the rope.
"Good point. I guess it's high time we got out of here and back to our base, Relena or no."
He worked hard at his bounds since Duo knew very well that Wufei was far more likely to be free before he was. Before the Chinese pilot could get underway the annoying one cleared his throat importantly. This earned him a glare through blood-shot eyes.
"Just don't get too carried away. Though they're all idiots I think that killing a couple of them is the same as laughing at disabled people."
Wufei rolled his eyes and managed to bring his hands back around to the front of his body by bringing them under his legs in a contortionist nightmare. He then got his rope off easily using his fingers and teeth. Duo grimaced and worked at slipping his wrists through the loosening rope.
"Heads up you brain-dead primates!"
The acutely annoyed Wufei screamed across the clearing, giving his dim opponents some warning before he rammed Mr. Nasal in the base of his neck with his clenched fist. He got two other 'soldiers', using the term loosely, with a roundhouse kick before grabbing Nasal's gun to hit Falcon right in the nose.
Duo still worked his hands, the rope was far more stubborn then he originally gave it credit for. He jumped around as Scar ran over and tried to apprehend him. The man had lost his gun and tried lunging out at regular intervals to try and trip Duo.
"Damn. Wufei I think that I need a little help, ow!" Duo spun and fell onto his backside. He wasn't totally lost though as he sent out a sharp kick to Scar's shins. The braided annoyance clenched his teeth and looked up for the retaliation but the man's pained expression turned to…nothing as he collapsed on top of him. Duo let a frown grace his face as he saw Wufei, hand still extended, behind the fallen man.
Hitting the ground had loosened the rope just enough so Duo could get his hands free and he pushed the hefty man off of him before tentatively accepting Wufei's help back to his feet.
"Thanks for the help," Wufei said dryly.
"I never thought you were one for sarcasm," Duo replied.
"You're welcome. So where are we?"
Duo brushed his damp, muddy clothes off. It was a pathetic attempt at best. All his vigorous sweeping motions did was move the muck around and get his hands goey. He stuck his tongue out and bit back the urge to gag.
"Hell if I know. With their luck we're probably about two seconds away from where we started."
"Hmm," Wufei turned in a circle before he pointed somewhere behind where Duo stood. It was basically in the opposite direction they had come from. Simple logic would have dictated that going back a way that the Cowards had proved to be unsuccessful would yield the same results. Wufei went without hesitation and Duo followed.
As they tried to make their way back to the carriers or to some form of civilization, Duo soon found a game to distract him from all of the nasty nature that they had intruded upon. Since Wufei went first, he had to bend back all of the overgrown branches and leaves barring their path. He would stretch one all the way back and move through before releasing it. The branch in question would make a swift noise through the air before smacking Duo in the face. Night had already fallen so it was always a toss up as to whether or not all of his hits were intentional. Duo rubbed his nose and ducked under another one. It caught his braid and jerked his head back with the tension since the hair was, luckily, reluctant to part from the rest of his body.
Duo groaned, he would have to get his precious, damaged hair untangled from something else. The Sorolaff goo mixed in with the braid made the snarls and tangles all that much worse. Though the superheroes from that morning were very far off, Duo felt that they could make a return appearance at any moment. He raised his head miserably and glanced around for the other pilot. He didn't hear him walking or moving any branches from up ahead. That was odd.
"Hey Wufei can you wait up? I'm a little trapped here…"
No answer. Duo rolled his eyes in frustration and yanked the rest of his hair free. Without any regard to the branches, he raced on. Duo tripped occasionally on the roots that he couldn't see for the cloak of darkness further accented by all the close trees.
"WUFEI! If you're there at least answer…"
There came a rustling sound from far off and Duo stopped in his tracks. It was his habit to continue on and speak rather then listen so he couldn't say how long this particular sound had been going. He closed his eyes and tried to get his hamster-wheel mind to focus. There was the rustling and also a larger, deeper sound. He could actually feel the earth beneath him move ever-so-slightly.
More rustling and was that panting that he could also hear now? Duo smiled. It was amazing that he could hear so much since he was actually paying attention.
"What are you doing you idiot!"
His eyes snapped open and Duo saw Wufei's face a little too close up before he was literally caught up in his momentum. Wufei grabbed him up and jumped high enough to question the laws of physics (the mark of a good martial artist, don't ya know). Duo coughed. His pain was understandable; to bring him along, Wufei had to grab Duo's middle like he wanted to rip his stomach from his body.
The black forest was suddenly bathed in light as the spot where he was standing moments before collapsed under missile fire. The trees where they landed were showered in sparks but only a few of them caught fire. Wufei let go and ran ahead leaving Duo to stagger after him, gripping his stomach.
"Holy shit! What was that? Don't tell me there's someone competent in the Cowards?" he asked as he ran after his companion.
"Are you blind? It's Barton."
"Trowa? Why's he attacking us?"
Wufei stopped but without warning, thus Duo crashed into him. He made a fair amount of show to regain his footing and ended up grabbing the back of Wufei's jungle-infected shirt.
"You're the one with the signal. I never turned mine on," Wufei pushed Duo away. "He must have seen me jump out of nowhere and fired. It's really dark out here after all…and if he really did know that it's me then I'll kill him."
"Yeah, you do that," Duo gasped.
"Duo? You there?"
They raised their heads as one and glanced up at the jovially colored Gundam. Heavyarm shoved a few trees easily to the side.
"Yeah it's me. Wufei too. You almost killed us!" Duo said. From Trowa's point of view it must have looked like a little black ant was jumping up and down.
"Are you two okay?"
They turned to see Sandrock directly behind. Wufei scowled. For some reason unfathomable to the two in their Gundams, he was slightly upset that he was the main victim of their little misunderstanding.
"We're fine. We've been…wandering for a little while now," Duo said. He didn't want to lie, exactly, but it was also hard to openly admit that he and Wufei had been caught by the dumbest soldiers known to man.
"Uh…sorry you two but we used the bug so we know you were captured. I have to say they didn't seem to be all that bright," Quatre explained.
"I think that was the understatement of the year…when you really get down to it they were the worst unit I've ever seen," Duo trailed off and a smile spread slowly across his face. There was another second of quiet before he broke out into peals of hysterical laughter. It was as ridiculous as it seemed. They could have gotten away at any point of time and avoided being blown up by their own allies but for some reason that neither of them had even thought about, Duo and Wufei had just tagged along with the Lion losers until they absolutely couldn't take it anymore. Wufei realized it too but he didn't find it nearly as funny.
"So where's…" Quatre stopped when a greenish black blur rolled into the area beside the other two pilots. He straightened up and looked curiously at the two Gundams then at the pilots.
"What happened to you? You both look like shit."
Duo clutched his sides and fell to his knees, he was laughing so hard. The grumpy pilot regarded him with the lunacy that he deserved. Wufei fumed and struck Duo on the side of the head. As he turned just to make sure that the guy who had abandoned them wasn't laughing his eyes snapped to the odd object underneath Heero's arm.
"What's that?"
"The artifact."
Duo straightened and though he took gulping breaths, he had his usual, questionable control.
"The thing we had to save from the Cowardly Lion. I hope it's not as worthless as the faction."
Heero frowned. "What?"
"You were the one who heard about it first. We actually ran into a small unit from the Cowardly Lion," Wufei explained.
Frown again, then blink. "Huh?"
"They also attacked several places around the world and took some diplomats in London hostage," Quatre supplied.
"Yeah, I guess your scheme to get away from Relena turned out to be a real mission after all," Duo added.
Heero waited a minute before he spoke and when he did it was slowly, like he was thinking out each word before saying it.
"You mean the OZ organization called The Cowardly Lion?"
"…Duh."
"Son of a bitch."
Sorry this one isn't very good. I had a hard time writing it. The usual 'thanks for reading' is in order and I'd also like to add that comments are still quite welcome.