A Dreadfully Convenient Crossover And the Prisoner of the Arctic Incident

By Spectra16 (my, what an interesting title this story has. . .)

A/N: I'm taking several of my favorite fictions and mashing them together and making the stories tie in with each other. Just so you all know, this story does not take place where the series is now. This story takes place before Artemis finds his father, and Harry is at his 3rd year at Hogwarts, and Lemony is just hanging. Also, for the most part, this story will follow the books, except at the end, it takes a completely different turn.

Also, I know that the friendship between Artemis and the fairies doesn't develop until the second book, but come on! I need to alter some of the story.

There. I'd rather not explain more. I don't want to spoil the story. (wink)

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters I will use. So sad.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter One: The Truth Behind the Lies Behind the Truth Behind the Man Behind the Hedges

The Fowl mansion remained dimly lit for weeks at a time. Mrs. Angeline Fowl would more than often close the blinds, and then complain about them being closed, forcing Artemis to open again. More than several times, she complained about creatures moving about in her room, but her hallucinations were all to blame on her husband's disappearance. Artemis, her only son, ran his fingers down the crimson red curtain in her room, holding back his true feelings for his father.

The rumor was that Artemis Fowl Senior had been on a ship in Kola Bay in Russia, on a business venture. His business was rarely legal, and Artemis Junior recently realized that his family had enemies, which might have been the reason for his father's ship sinking.

Artemis was no regular boy. He attended an exclusive boy's school, in which he was known as a prodigy. His interests were mainly in the piano, his homework, and criminal ventures. A year prior, he had held a fairy hostage for gold. A whole community of creatures, in which had been fooling humans for hundreds of thousands of years, had finally been fooled by a twelve year old boy.

Artemis rested his chin on his left hand, his right hand resting on his mouse. The light of his computer dimly lit the room, but after staring at the light for hours, it had seemed very bright. Artemis tapped his index finger on his cheek and wondered how he was going to manage a way to travel underground to speak with Foaly about this interesting matter, that Artemis would much rather investigate that do his calculus homework.

Foaly had not asked Artemis to return to the Underground, but Artemis was intrigued to do just that. Foaly had only asked Artemis for insight, not for full devotion to the project. At least Foaly could identify his usefulness to the fairy world. Artemis read over the email again. Foaly mentioned a strange barrier around a part of Britain. Foaly said it was almost impossible to get surveillance on the area.

Artemis stretched like a cat in his chair. This would require some intense planning.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Lemony Snicket stuffed his hands in his pockets of his over coat, checking to see if his tiny note pad was still present. Mr. Snicket strode down the sidewalk, pondering the evidence he had collected over time. He often pondered his life's research, which at times, felt like a great burden, since he was the only one writing his account down. The rest of the people involved were content with remaining anonymous because it was a dangerous occupation.

The real man, Lemony Snicket, was a highly paranoid man who dedicated his life's work to protecting the Baudelaire's. Although it was indirectly, his work might have been the most progressive in all of the people that had been watching over Sunny, Klaus, and Violet Baudelaire. And believe me, there were quite a few.

The elite group of people that did this work was an organization that went by the initials 'VFD'. Mr. Snicket's affiliation to that group was a well hidden secret, but not one that would be appropriate to keep from you, the audience, as of now. The VFD had spies everywhere. The secrets were kept well, or at least, they thought that, until a series of unfortunate events had unfolded themselves, and one of the VFD's members had revealed himself to be the very man that was after the Baudelaire fortune, which was in fact no fortune at all, besides the money. The Baudelaire's seemed to have had a run in with some horrible fortune. Unfortunate.

Mr. Snicket was advised by the man who ran the VFD, to now go after Count Olaf personally, instead of just trailing the events that followed him and the Baudelaire family. Lemony held a small piece of parchment in his hand, with some messy scribbling on it. There was a reason for why Lemony preferred the typewriter.

He gazed at a hanging wooden sign that had the name of the bar burned and etched into it. The Leaky Cauldron. Mr. Snicket tipped his fedora as he entered the smoke filled tavern.

Lemony looked around the small abode, but it wasn't hard to spot the man he searched for. He had seen his a few times before, but that had been years ago. He took a deep breath, as he remembered the stories he had heard about this man. . . This wizard. He walked slowly to the table he was sitting at, and he cautiously sat across from him.

"Mr. Lemony Snicket! I wasn't sure if you had found your way," Albus Dumbledore seemed to have meant the last sentence in separate meanings. Lemony flashed a quick smile at him.

"I'm glad you agreed to meet me. . . Especially here," Lemony looked around, not having come to the Leaky Cauldron in . . . years, again. Dumbledore nodded.

"The Order always needs as much help as it can get. I also believe I can help you," Dumbledore grinned warmly. Lemony remembered their last "conversation", in which Dumbledore wasn't sure that he would be of any help. But any progress on the Baudelaire case would be like a warm ray of sun in the midst of a cold winter. Mr. Snicket took off his hat to reveal his slicked back, dark brown hair. He ran through it with his hand and put his hat back down.

"I've decided. I will do what you want. I need leads to Count Olaf, anything would help at this point," Lemony sighed. Dumbledore contentedly smiled. Lemony believed he had never met a person who beamed like Dumbledore.

"It's a deal then," Dumbledore, unsure of the Muggle gesture, pointed his hand outward to Lemony. Mr. Snicket was also unsure of Dumbledore's cluelessness, but instead of hesitating, he shook his hand.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Harry Potter, the boy who lived, sat the curb of a street, gazing into the eyes of a large, black dog in a clump of bushes on the opposite end of the street. The dog was growling and rearing back, as if it would spring at Harry at any moment. Harry, feeling afraid and familiar at the same time, gingerly pulled out his wand, careful not to make any sudden movements. Judging by the dog's dirty and precariously put hair, it seemed like a stray. Before Harry could assess the situation, a strange double decked bus screeched into view, and stopped in front of Harry.

So far, Harry thought, so good.

Sirius, Mr. Snuffles, whatever you prefer to call him, hastily ran back into the brush area from whence he came. Harry was safe now, Sirius knew. He was glad that the Knight Bus had found him, and not the unmentionable. Sirius had hoped to follow Harry until he managed to reach Hogwarts, but knowing that Harry was a resourceful boy, and had fought off the Dark Lord . . . What . . . Three times now? He reasoned that Harry would find his way.

-.-.-.-.-

Foaly, techie centaur to LEP, was a curious creature. In fear of CIA mind reading technology (which we all know if FAR from completion), Foaly wore a tin foil hat to keep all of his bearings in his head. He also has a strange carrot fetish, which in all seriousness, really isn't strange at all. Apparently, all centaurs are no doubt in love with carrots.

Foaly also wanted to get down to the bottom of something he had been pondering for quite some time, but no had shared his interest in it. LEP was knee deep in B'wa Kell affairs, and who would sensibly waste their time on a centaur's intuition? Foaly, however, was hot on the trail of something quite important.

Foaly's above ground satellite imaging system was flawless in every way possible. It was more commonly used to navigate the underground, but it was obviously helpful above ground too. But for years, there were several small patches of land that were undetectable. Of course, if a fugitive was hiding in those patches of fuzz, LEP would be all up in arms, trying to figure out why. But for now, there wasn't a spark of concern, besides in Foaly.

After asking about the areas to his family, his grandfather, on his death bed, recalled the area in Britain, exactly where the images were fuzzed out. He told Foaly that the area belonged to witches and wizards, and there was a forest in the area, where some of Foaly's distant relatives lived.

This was incredible news to Foaly, albeit harmless and "unimportant" to LEP business. Foaly was also told that only humans were allowed to pass through, and even then, you had to be a special type of human. You had to possess magical abilities. Not only were these people well hidden from The People, but they also hid themselves from other humans. Foaly obviously found this all to be amusing. Root did not.

"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT!" Root blew up for the first time in the day. The earliest Foaly had managed to get Root to yell at him was a few minutes before their shifts had even started. Today was not that day. Foaly sighed.

"I want to exploit Artemis Fowl. Does that sound better?" Foaly asked sarcastically, which he compared to "Requesting permission to use Artemis Fowl in personal experiment". Commander Root seemed like he had been slapped with a stink worm.

"I'd quicker kiss your ass, ass," Root muttered under his breath and sat in his desk.

"I believe this mission would be pertinent to LEP ventures, sir," Foaly ignored the ass comment, in order to hopefully get what he wanted. This would only be put off shortly though.

"And how would it be PERTINENT to LEP?" Root mocked Foaly's his brown nosing.

"The mysterious spots on the satellite feed could be exploited with the use of a mudman. Fowl would be perfect for this," Foaly left out details, hoping that would help his cause.

"Why wouldn't a dumb mudman be easier to manipulate? I mean, you're throwing around the name of that bratty kid that nearly got me fired," Root lit a fungus cigar. Foaly waved away the smoke.

"Instead of just putting his under mesmer, we could get him to willingly help! I mean, what other 13 year old boy is going to want to learn as much as he can about a hidden group of people?" The centaur half joked. Root looked up at him with a look to kill.

"Why is getting a mudman, much less a boy, important to your plan?" Root questioned, smelling something rather fishy.

"From a reliable source," Foaly paused at the thought of his dying grandfather, "I have found that there is a . . . school for mudmen ages 11-17. Fowl is perfect to infiltrate the school and find out why they are hiding." Root quirked an eyebrow.

"A school?" Root asked quietly. Foaly nodded quickly.

"A school," He confirmed.

"Why the hell is there a secret school?" Root couldn't decided whether he was listening or not.

"It's a school for magical mudmen. It's hidden from normal mudmen, from what I've heard. I'm sure the Fowl boy would've blackmailed them by now if he knew anything about them," Foaly made another snide remark. Root seemed to be taking this reasonably well. Holly quickly ran in the door, late. Foaly gave her a sympathetic look and she grimaced. She stood at attention at Root's desk. Root puffed his cigar.

"Duties, sir?" She asked professionally. He made a grunting sound.

"Foaly has a project he would like you to work on with him," Root grunted. Holly looked wide eyed and pleased. Something other than grunt work would be a relief. Ever since the Artemis Fowl incident, she had been reduced to running papers, directing traffic in the underground, and getting Root lunch.

"Thank you, sir!" She stood proudly. Root almost wanted to smirk.

"You may think you're getting a treat, but you're going to hate me once Foaly tells you what he's going to do. Dismissed," Root stood up and walked out. Holly figured Root was grumpy as usual, and that Root couldn't have just said something was worse than the grunt work she had been doing for the past few months. She looked at Foaly questioningly. He seemed to avoid eye contact.

"Come on Foaly! Tell me! Unless it has something to do with Fowl, I doubt that anything is as bad as what I've been doing," Holly smiled at him. Foaly winced.

"Yeah," He sighed and walked into his cozy office. Holly trailed closely behind him.

-.-.-.-.-.-

After being invited in, Holly shivered to enter the home she had been prisoner to no more than a few months prior. Foaly was impressed by the interior and followed Artemis closely. Foaly remembered the room from the video feed he had inspected when Artemis was so positive he could beat the blue rinse. Holly looked back at Butler, whom was following them closely. The three of them sat down in an adorning room with paintings and expensive furniture. Artemis lightly sipped some tea.

"I'm assuming that you need more than advice, Foaly," Artemis narrowed his eye brows, now down to business. Foaly nodded, still unsure of what he was getting himself into. But he quickly went into explaining the situation, and why Artemis was personally needed for the venture. After a few minutes of explaining the details (of which, Holly had also been hearing for the first time all the way through), everyone became quiet, almost able to hear Artemis thinking.

"You say this is a school for magical mudmen? Well, I am not magical, as you may have already gathered," Artemis was curious as to how Foaly would tackle this problem. Foaly shrugged his shoulders slightly.

"Obviously, you're a smart . . . boy, Fowl. And we've already thought of a solution for this, but you may not be thrilled about it," Foaly clenched his jaw. Artemis looked at him, waiting for the answer.

"I've whipped up the technology to increase your auror . . . Your . . . Senses. Like a telekinetic energy that everyone has inside them, but not everyone's is strong enough to physically show. Like I said, we can enhance yours, but only for a short time. It would have to be like medication. I could make you enough for however long we need you to be at the school," Foaly almost seemed that he would end the sentence with a "but". It never came. Artemis fished for it.

"I'm assuming there are drawbacks to using it, or you would not have been so negative about such a solution," Artemis grinned. Foaly nodded, and then realized how quiet Holly had remained this whole time.

"Yes. Since we used some very strong magic genes from a fairy for the . . . Medicine," Foaly couldn't think of another way to put it, "It could stunt your growth for however long you are on it, which won't be too long. Of course, we can always we alter your height after you're done. Besides that, the medicine itself is not that dangerous. But I've heard stories about the school. That's what concerns me beyond anything," Foaly stopped.

Artemis looked into the distance, thinking he heard his mother yelling upstairs. He waited to see if she was, but nothing came. He looked up at Foaly.

"I'm assuming Butler will not be able to accompany me?" Artemis asked. Foaly nodded.

"We knew you'd say that. And we're still trying to find a way to get him in, but it might be pointless, considering everything we learn about this place is in your hands. The sooner you get in there, the sooner Butler will be able to shadow you," Foaly said confidently. Artemis nodded.

"So, my finally question. What do I get out of this?" Artemis asked with a smirk. Holly felt disgusted with his attitude.

"Well, we figured you'd want to know as much as possible about these people. And if you don't care to join our journey, we can just as easily mind wipe you and find a more pathetic excuse for a mudman," Foaly smirked back at Artemis. Artemis nodded.

"Well, luckily for you, I am interested."

-.-.-.-.-.-

Artemis shifted uncomfortably when Juliet injected him with the solution that would change his stature, he shifted uncomfortably when he read his invitation to Hogwarts, he shifted uncomfortably when being fit for a robe in Daigon Alley, and at last, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat on board the Hogwarts Express. He wore a black silk shirt and loose fitting jeans, suggested by Juliet, who didn't want little Arty to look like a stuck up brat for his first day at wizard school. Artemis' dark owl hooted deeply at Artemis. He looked at his owl with a curious look, finding that it was obviously very well trained.

Several proud looking students came and sat in the car with Artemis. One boy, who seemed to be the center of the group's attention, caught Artemis' eye immediately.

Draco Malfoy, eyed the dark looking boy, in which they were sharing the car with. His eyes were a piercing, cold blue, and his black hair seemed to emphasize it more. Draco was usually a good judge of who looked like a Slytherin, and who did not. And he knew this new kid must be in Slytherin.

"Are you a first year?" Draco asked, almost arrogantly. Artemis looked up to find that the boy was talking to him. Artemis bit down. He wasn't sure. This was his first year at Hogwarts, but it was meant for 11 year olds. He was 13. Artemis looked back up at the blonde boy, who seemed oddly familiar.

"No, I'm a third year. But this will be my first year at Hogwarts," Artemis reasoned a little truth couldn't hurt. The blonde boy seemed puzzled.

"So are you taking the first year and second year classes?" Draco asked. Artemis didn't really know.

"I don't know. I'll have to ask when we get there," Artemis answered shortly. The conversation with this boy was too awkward, as if he thought he was better than Artemis, which was what Artemis was definitely not used to. Draco cautiously asked Artemis his name.

"I'm Artemis Fowl the Second. And yours?" Artemis asked. Draco smirked as he answered.

"I'm Draco Malfoy," he replied, as if Artemis should know the last name. Artemis said nothing, but instead, an awkward eye contact was made between Draco and Artemis. Draco couldn't seem to peel his eyes away from the freezing over feeling he got from looking at Artemis. Artemis broke the connection first.

"I've never heard of the name Fowl before. Sounds Slytherin to me," Draco looked at Crabbe and Goyle. The both of them chuckled.

"I beg your pardon?" Artemis referred to the Slytherin part. Draco looked at him wide eyed.

"Slytherin? You know, one of the four houses at Hogwarts?" Draco replied. Artemis shook his head. Draco snickered.

"Wow, you must be a mud blood," Draco now talked with disgust in his voice.

"What?" Artemis now felt offended, since these wizards had so much lingo that sounded insulting. Although, the word mudman really didn't sound too different from mud blood. At least there was reason behind the word mudman. Mudblood seemed like it was insulting his heritage, which Artemis was quite proud of.

"A mud blood is a wizard that is born of a muggle and a wizard. You know, like a mutt," Draco's lips curled, showing off an impish, evil grin. Artemis' temper was always under control, but something about this boy had toyed with him in a different way.

"And what is a muggle?" Artemis asked, gritting his teeth. Draco played it cool.

"A non-magical person. Inferior to wizards, of course," Draco said as if everyone knew this. Artemis smirked.

"I'd rather be a muggle than a pure-blood pain in the ass," Artemis grinned like a vampire. The look oddly resembled Lord Voldemort, which scared Draco for some reason. Crabbe and Goyle stood up threateningly and starred Artemis down. Artemis didn't flinch, but then remembered Butler wasn't by his side to fight. Artemis kept his cool yet. Draco then stood up in front of Crabbe and Goyle. He forced a smile on his face.

"I like you Mr. Fowl, beyond the fact that you're a mud blood. I hope we are paired in the same house, Slytherin. You'd be a half decent rival," Draco then walked out of the cab with Goyle and Crabbe, leaving Artemis to himself. Questions fluttered in Artemis' mind like tiny moths taking to the light.

Knowing he couldn't concentrate on his next plan of action, Artemis left the cab he was in to find another to sit in, where he would find some other people to talk to. But just as he walked down the hall, the train came to a screeching halt, forcing Artemis to the ground.

Although he wasn't hurt, Artemis remained on his knees and suddenly felt a coldness flow over his body. He looked up at the windows, which freezed over with frost. Artemis shivered, wondering if it was fear or the cold. He sat there on his knees, holding on arm closely to him for extra warmth. The light went out, and Artemis sat there in the darkness.

Artemis looked down at his lap and shook, not feeling the will to move. He heard a deep, scratchy breathing from someone in front of his. There was a skeletal figure hidden in a flowing black robe, and the face was hooded, unable to see into. Artemis now knew he was shaking with fear. What is that, he barely thought clearly. The creature floated closer to him, taking it's time. Artemis felt a deep depression flow through him. The being came closer, but Artemis couldn't move. He looked up at it, helplessly and felt like surrendering. Artemis tried to scream, but he couldn't. The being knelt over, coming with a foot of his face.

"Sirius. . ." The creature reached out with a barely flesh covered hand and reached for Artemis' face. Artemis made a tiny noise, a whimper. Sirius? A gray mist was being sucked out of Artemis mouth, and his eyes rolled back, ready to die.

"I've found you. . ." The creature whispered and screamed at the same time.

Artemis barely recalled a bright light coming from the cab a few feet down. The demon fled quickly at the sight of this. Artemis felt immediate relief and with feeble legs, he stood up and walked to the cab where the light came from. He tried to regain composure and stop shaking, but it was a losing battle. He walked in to find an unconscious boy, two other students and an older man trying to revive him. Artemis waited and watched as the boy got up and looked questioningly at his friends.

"Here," Lupin handed Harry a piece of chocolate, "It'll make you feel better." Harry reluctantly chewed on the chocolate, and continued to ask questions about what had happened with the dementor. Artemis caught the word and assumed that was what those things were called. The older man walked out of the cab and closed the door. Warmth seemed to return to the train, and it started moving again. Lupin found the pale, shaking genius sitting outside of the cab.

"You look horrible," Lupin remarked, not looking so hot himself. Artemis shivered. "Were you attacked as well?" Lupin asked. Artemis forced a nod. Lupin took him under his arm and pulled another piece of chocolate from his robe.

Artemis reasoned this would not be as easy as he had imagined.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Sirius jerked awake, panting and sweating. His dreams had never brought him so close to a dementor before. At Azkaban, the dementors had beckoned at him in his cell, sucking what little happiness out of him that he still had. The only thing that would make Sirius happy was getting out of Azkaban and getting revenge on Voldemort for Lily and James' death.

Sirius sat up on the dirt ground. He brushed his long hair back, too stressed to care about personal hygiene. Why had he dreamed that?

The memory of the dream was vivid and slow.

The dementor reached out to grab him and whispered his name.

"Sirius. . . Black"

Sirius felt so connected to the dream now. Had they seen him in his dreams? Could they pierce into his mind while it was at work in his sleep?

"I've found you . . . Sirius. . ."