Title: Mistakes
Warnings: AU. Lee's reaction to Kara's death. Includes my own take on what might happen after LDYB2. There are no fluffy bunnies in this fic!
Spoilers: Up to and including LDYB2. No specific spoilers for Season 3.
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters I've just borrowed them for a little adventure and then I promise to return them!
Summary – Lee hopes that Kara will return to him, what he receives is a letter from his best friend.
Author's Note: This is a companion piece to my other story Regrets. You don't have to read that one first to enjoy this one, but it would help.
He stood on the platform above the flight deck watching as the survivors disembarked from the rescue raptors. The last twenty four hours had been hectic and exhausting. He hadn't slept in nearly forty-eight hours and his body and brain were functioning on a barely charged autopilot. But he couldn't rest yet, he had to welcome the survivors and organise their relocation throughout the fleet.
A shock of blonde hair in the crowd caught his attention; he couldn't make out her face. Could it be her? He asked himself. A twinge of hope mixed with regret washed through him. He needed to know that she'd made it. She was the only person he needed to see. He had missed her.
He had happily lived in denial after she had left with Anders. Denying that he'd ever felt anything for her. He had built himself a world where there was never anything more to their relationship, than a fraked up friendship that had managed to survive the end of the world, but had not survived her finding someone else to love.
For a while he'd blamed everything on her and her attitude not only to him but also to the rules and regulations of living on a battlestar and he had believed himself to be blameless for causing the fractures in their friendship.
The evening she had dangled Anders in front of him, had been the final nail in the coffin of their friendship. At the time he had seethed with anger, not sure how to handle the situation, so he'd done what he did best; he judged her and walked away, rather than confronting her and his feelings.
That night was the second time he'd walked away from his best friend.
The first time he'd walked away from her was after his brother's death. He hadn't known that her bad choices had caused Zak's death. He had walked away from her because he couldn't stand the look of loss and pain that glinted in her hazel eyes. He couldn't deal with his own pain at the loss of his brother and seeing his pain mirrored in her eyes had been too much for him to bare so he had run away back to the fleet, abandoning both his family and his friend.
He knew that Zak had given her a happiness she hadn't experienced before, although, even he didn't know what her childhood was like because she kept painful memories buried deep inside. He hadn't known Kara before she met Zak but during the time she'd been dating him, they'd become friends and even had the opportunity to fly together at the Academy.
He had learned to read between the lines, often it was what Kara didn't say that was more revealing than what she actually said. He thought he had mastered the art of reading her before Zak died, but after his death a new wall enveloped her emotions, her eyes offering the only glimpse into the pain that was eating at her soul.
Unable to read her or able to deal with her pain on top of his own had forced him to take the easy option and he'd walked away. He was very good at walking away from dealing with dangerous emotions.
He had done the exact same thing with his father, walking away and refusing to deal with how he felt about him until life dealt him a hand that left him with little choice.
The Cylons may have ended the world but they had given him a second chance to know and rebuild his relationship with his father, and in doing so he had learned about himself and had developed his career more than he'd ever dreamed of. He was a Commander of a battlestar, but was he happy? He found himself shaking his head in answer to his silent question. He didn't think he deserved to be happy.
He saw another glimpse of blonde hair and his mind wandered back to the moment he'd felt the walls around his heart begin to melt.
She had stood at the bar wearing a dress. If he had been drinking at the moment he saw her, he would have choked with shock. She had slowly turned towards him and smiled and her smile had sent his brain into orbit as he'd mumbled something about her knees. Not the best way to start a conversation, looking at it on hindsight, but it had been an opening and it had led to her agreeing to dance with him. That evening he'd enjoyed the feel of her in his arms as they'd danced. They had moved together in unison understanding and anticipating the other's movements. During their dance he had begun to feel that maybe there was a chance of more than friendship between them, if they could both get past their insecurities. However, that moment passed as Baltar had interrupted their dance and he had abandoned her to the Vice President's grasp. Then she'd repaid him in kind by running away from the fleet on a hair brained mission that only she could pull off.
When she had finally returned his world had been turned upside down once again. His father shot, his life hanging in the balance and Boomer had been identified as a Cylon. He had needed his best friend and finally she had walked off a raptor, a nervous smile on her lips and he couldn't help himself, he'd kissed her and she'd kissed him back. That moment was one of the most perfect moments of his life, but it didn't last. Shortly after their reunion he'd finally taken one of the biggest emotional steps he had dared to take in his life and told her that he loved her. She had brushed it off as a declaration of friendship, at the time it had shattered him, but now on reflection he knew that she wasn't ready to deal with that kind of declaration.
He wasn't sure she would ever be ready to deal with what was between them. It was something even he couldn't exactly describe. She infuriated him, knew exactly what buttons to push to get him to react and she was the only person who could do that. She managed to cut through his protection and reveal the emotions he tried so hard to keep in check. Most of the time he needed that from her, because she was the only one who could actually get him to release his emotions. No one else had ever made it through every barrier he had erected and he was sure that no one else ever could.
When they flew they were two halves of the same whole, completely in sync, working on a level of trust that could never be put into words. They knew each other so intimately in the air that nothing else could compare to it. Flying with anyone else was lonely and boring, he only felt truly alive when he was flying with her. She challenged him, teased him and had made him think he'd lost her on more than one occasion, but still he'd spent the best part of a year looking forward to the moments when they could actually fly together.
Their relationship hadn't been good since before he had taken over command of the Pegasus, but at least they had had the opportunity to put their fraked up relationship behind them for the few moments when they could actually fly together. Flying had become nothing more than a distant memory since he had taken up his command.
The night she had celebrated Samuel's return was the night he walked into Dee's arms and made a promise that he'd never be hurt by Kara again and it was a promise he'd kept until the day the Cylons had returned and occupied New Caprica.
The year since they had found New Caprica and the Cylons had returned had seen a time of change within the fleet. People who had spent months contained on ships without having the opportunity to breathe fresh air had clamoured for the opportunity to settle and to begin to rebuild the lives they had once had on the colonies. Some of the crew had chosen to leave, he didn't think that Kara would have been able to leave flying; it was a part of who she was, a part of her soul. But she'd given it up for Anders. The moment his father told him she was leaving them and going to settle on the land, his heart froze completely. He knew then that he'd lost her forever.
They had barely spoken in the six months since Anders arrived and she'd left for the surface. The only words they spoke were strictly related to duty, or to quietly snipe at one another. They both completely denied that they had ever been friends and flung themselves into their new relationships.
He hoped she was happy with her choice. He knew now that he would never truly be happy without her. Dee had been convenient, nothing more and nothing less. He had hoped he could grow to love her, but he couldn't and even though he'd married her, he had lost interest in her and life. He had existed before the Cylons arrived, nothing more.
The Cylons arrival had forced him to re-evaluate his life and he now had something to live for. He had to fight for Kara's freedom; he was not going to let her die at the hands of the Cylons. He knew what they had tried to do to her on Caprica and there would be no way he would let them hurt her again. So he had thrown himself into planning a rescue operation and along the way had managed to lose himself a wife.
It had taken another six months to plan the operation and two more months to finally make contact with some of the survivors to share the plan. Finally they had been able to execute it and that was why he had found himself standing on the observation platform on the flight deck looking at the survivors, hoping that the one person he had fought for would walk out of a raptor and back into his life. He didn't care if Anders was alive too; he just needed his friend back. If there was never a chance of anything more than friendship, he'd live with that, but right now he'd give his own life for one of Starbuck's sarcastic comments, or Kara's smile.
"Sir?" a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts.
He looked away from the deck and turned towards the source of the voice. He smiled at the sight of Cally before him, mud smeared on her face and a small boy cradled in her arms. Her son, he thought, noticing the resemblance in the child to his mother.
"Cally," he replied, "It's good to see you. The Chief?"
"Checking on the vipers, he didn't admit it very often, but he missed his birds." She pulled an envelope from her pocket and handed it to him. "She asked me to give you this."
He took the envelope from Cally's outstretched hand and glanced at the handwriting, her familiar scrawl instantly recognisable. His stomach churned, why was Cally handing him a letter from Kara, she was coming back, wasn't she?
Cally noticed the look of confusion on his face, "Sir, she didn't make it," she uttered, reaching out with one hand to gently squeeze his arm in a show of support and compassion.
Lee felt his world crash around him, surely he would have known if she was dead? He thought back to the time when her viper had crashed, he knew then that she wasn't dead, he would have searched for her forever.
Maybe their connection was lost? Perhaps he couldn't feel her anymore? Then it hit him like a nuclear bomb decimating his heart, she was dead.
As the realisation struck, he knew he couldn't stand there anymore, he needed to run, to hide and give himself time to control the emotions that were suddenly trying to force themselves to the surface.
"Sir, are you alright?" Cally asked as she watched him fight with his emotions.
"Thank you, Cally," he mumbled before turning and walking away.
It was like he was on auto pilot as he headed towards his quarters; he nodded at his crew as they saluted him. Finally he reached his hatch; he quickly opened it and entered his quarters, closing it with a slam behind him.
He sank onto his couch and stared at the envelope in his hand, his eyes following the shapes of her handwriting on the envelope.
He didn't know how long he had been sitting and staring at the envelope, he was terrified to open it, but also desperately scared not to open it, because he needed to know what Kara had to say to him.
He turned the envelope over and as carefully as he could manage, his hands shaking he opened it. He slid his fingers into the envelope and removed the precious letter Kara had written to him. He opened the three folded pieces of paper and began to read.
Lee,
If you're reading this then my latest hair brained idea worked! The survivors have escaped this hell hole they lovingly called New Caprica. It also means I'm not coming back.
You probably hate me even more now than you've hated me for the last eighteen months. I can't blame you for hating me, I've always fraked up the good things in my life and you're one of the most important people in my life. You've always been there for me, even when I royally frak up. I expect you've been waiting for me to clamber out of one of the rescue raptors so that you can yell at me for everything that went wrong in my plan! I wish I could be there hearing you shout at me, because then at least I would have been alive.
You helped me live, did you know that? You gave me someone to push against, to argue with and to fly with. You were always my best friend and I lied when I said there wasn't an us. There was always an us and it scared me, because I didn't want to ruin the best friendship I'd ever had. But I guess I did that anyway!
The reason I can't come back is because of the consequences of the actions and choices I made. I thought Sam loved me, I hoped that I could be happy with him, maybe have a future, but he lied to me. Those months on Caprica after I left him were hard for him, but they got to him, Lee. The fraked with his head and manipulated him. They used him to get to me and I let them. I let the fraking Cylons win, Lee!
They used him to persuade me to leave my home and family to move to a planet that was nothing more than a hell hole and for what? To do what I feared most. They used me to create a hybrid, a cylon child. I was stupid, I believed in him and he used me, just like a Cylon. I didn't find out until it was too late and the only option I had left was to plan for my friends' escape and for my baby's and my death.
Lee couldn't help but choke back the sobs as he read her words, he hated Anders and if he had somehow survived and returned to the fleet he would personally press the button to open the airlock and have pleasure in watching him float out into the isolation of space.
He forced himself to continue to read her letter, his heart splintering into a thousand pieces as the realisation began to dawn that he wasn't going to see her again.
Lee, don't blame yourself, I know you too well and you'll try and find some way to be responsible for my frak ups. But you know that I'm more than capable of fraking up my life on my own, you've seen me at my worst and at my best and you've always been there for me. I know we didn't speak much since I found Anders and I'm sorry, but I couldn't handle the way you looked at me after I shot you. I couldn't handle what I did to you. I nearly killed another Adama and I couldn't live with that. I couldn't live with hurting you, so I ran away. I ran away to the safe option, Sam.
Seeing you every day became too painful and moving to the surface seemed like the only sensible option for me. I thought I could move on with my life and leave you behind, but I couldn't. Your face was the last thing I saw every night as I closed my eyes and your voice haunted my dreams. It wasn't until I couldn't see you anymore that I realised just how important you are to me.
That's my one regret, Lee, that I can't be there to tell you face to face how much you mean to me. You've always been special to me. You've kept me out of the brig more times than I care to remember. You are my family, the only one I've ever had. You taught me how to behave as a friend, although I was also very good at ignoring that at times. You also taught me that it was okay to rely on someone else, to need someone else, but again I'm not very good at showing that I need someone. If I had been I wouldn't have left you. I would have stayed, even if we could never have been anything more than friends. I know you were happy with Dee, Lee, she gave you something I never could, commitment.
I'm sorry, Lee for everything that I ever did to hurt you, but somewhere along the line what I felt for you changed and I was too scared to admit to myself that I loved you. I couldn't think of any reason why you'd ever feel anything more than friendship for me and my feelings scared me so much that I ran away from them. Something that I'm very good at doing, and I pushed you away too, with everything that I could muster.
I loved Zak and he died. I thought if I admitted to myself how much I loved you, you'd die or leave me and I know I couldn't live without you. I barely lived on New Caprica without you.
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty; I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel for once.
I wish things could have been different, if I could change anything I would have changed how I behaved with you. I would have fought for us, because I know now that I would have died for you in an instant if I knew it would have kept you safe and in a way I am dying for you. I can not let my baby live. She will destroy us all if she survives, Leoben told me her place in their fraked up plan, before I managed to kill him. So I had no choice.
But if my plan worked, I took out the farm too and I saved Kat and the others from the torture they were suffering. You know what they did to me on the farm and I couldn't let them do it to my friends, Lee. My death was worthwhile. Remember that.
Remember that I love you and I always will, and one day we will fly together in the arms of the Gods. Apollo and Starbuck flying as one, living as one.
Be strong, move on and be happy. You need to find Earth for everyone who is still alive. They need hope and you and your father are going to be the ones who deliver it.
I'll be watching, I promise, I'll be that voice you hear when you try to think out of the box, or when you see Hot Dog acting like an ass.
Remember me, Lee. Remember the good times and the bad, those experiences are what make you stronger. I am stronger for knowing you and loving you and although I'll never be able to tell you to your face know that my heart never truly belonged to anyone other than you.
I love you, Lee forever and always.
Kara
Lee rubbed away the tears that were rolling freely down his cheeks, she had finally opened her heart to him and it was too late. He'd lost her and there was nothing he could do.
The letter and envelope he had grasped in his hand fell to the floor as he finally gave into the sobs that now shook his body. The sound of something metal hitting the floor briefly distracted him; he looked towards the sound and noticed a small metallic object. He picked it up and examined it through his tears, it was Kara's viper wings, he rubbed them gently in his fingers and a small smile graced his lips.
"I love you, too," he said to the empty room. With those words he finally gave into the grief that had taken hold of him, but still deep inside he had a nagging feeling that somewhere Kara wasn't dead, she was still alive. Somehow they were still connected and maybe in a way they would be forever.
Fin