At length they followed Mr. Collins into the drawing room, after which Mr. Collins himself closed all the doors quite tightly. The five Bennet sisters looked toward each other excitedly, and their mother and father both laughed at their enthusiasm.
"Come come, Mr. Collins," said Mr. Bingley. "What is your great gift that you speak of?"
Mr. Collins smiled briefly, and gave his answer. "Mr. Bingley, my gift to all of my dear friends is one that can be enjoyed by all. A game, if you will."
"Is it backgammon?" Mary Bennet asked, for she was quite skilled at the game.
"Perhaps, in your own way, Miss Bennet, it will be backgammon," said Mr. Collins, "But it is not, in practice, backgammon. This is a game of wits, deceit, and--perhaps--quite excruciating mortal agony."
Glances were exchanged by all, and Mrs. Bennet ejaculated, "This looks to me to be quite silly, Mr. Collins! Very silly, in a very real sense!" Miss Bingley and her brother Mr. Bingley nodded in avid agreement.
Mary, with a growing feeling of the impaitent persuasion, asked promptly, "What are the rules of this game of yours, Mr. Collins?"
Mr. Collins smiled abruptly. "In this game, Miss Bennet...you must learn quite rapidly how to court a fine gentleman. And this gentleman in question is none other than my dear friend Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy."
Miss Bingley was thoroughly outraged. "To what end are you considering this, Mr. Collins! It is altogether quite lewd as well as very silly!"
"The object of this game, Miss Bingley, is to win Mr. Darcy's affections, since he himself seems to be the most desireable out of all the gentlemen here. You and the five Miss Bennets must take part in this courtship, which will last for all of three days."
Elizabeth was thouroughly terrified, yet she asked, "And how do we go about this depraved courtship of yours, Mr. Collins?"
"As you would in situations of normal nature. Yet, there can be only one winner of Mr. Darcy's heart...one that remains alive, that is." Mr. Collins then turned away from his horrified guests, opening a nearby wardrobe. There, resting on a bed made of the most handsome of dark velvet, were six pistols and six rapiers, one for each Miss Bingley and the five Bennet sisters. All of Mr. Collins' guests were quite silent at this moment.
"You must court Mr. Darcy whilst dispatching your opponents. If you do not follow this method in three days, I will be forced to commit a most awful atrocity." Mr. Collins then held up a small, wooden box, adorned with ten little wooden knobs. "Mr. Bennet, my dear uncle, it would give me much pleasure if you were to step forward."
Agitiation came across Mr. Bennet's calm face and he cried, "Mr. Collins! You have thouroughly ruined your own party! What, exactly, is the very meaning of this, sir?"--- to that end, Mr. Collins turned a knob on his little device, and Mr. Bennet promptly exploded. His head broke open like a steaming cherry pie, whilst his hands flew from his wrists only to splatter against two opposite windows. He was, thouroughly, at his end.
A little piece of Mr. Bennet's brain meat sat idly on top of Mrs. Bennet's noble brow. "Oh, Mr. Collins, this is rather quite silly," she said.
"It may be silly, Mrs. Bennet," said Mr. Collins, "but it is real, I'm afraid. For you see, the broaches, cravats and cufflinks I have given to you are all of quite an explosive nature. If I move one of these knobs on my little device that I have in my hand, I can detonate whomever I wish." There was silence again in the room, and Mr. Collins continued. "If there is no one winner of Mr. Darcy's heart at the end of three days, all of the party here shall explode, including Mrs. Bennet, Mr. Bingley, and Mr. Darcy. If you attempt to take your own livesor remove yourgifts, you will detonate. If youtalk amongst yourselves and decide upon a winner, you all will still explode." At that moment, Mr. Darcy became very white, whilst Mr. Bingley became very red. "If one of the five Bennet sisters win this little game, then that person shall marry Mr. Darcy and relieve the late Mr. Bennet of his inheiritance. If Miss Bingley wins, then I will not detonate Mr. Bingley's cufflinks."
"To what end are you doing this?" cried one of the Bennet sisters.
"I enjoy various and sundry hobbies as any gentleman would," Mr. Collins replied, "and just because I am a member of the clergy does not mean in any way that my status requires civility and respect for the human species. Did you not read about Pope Leo X?"
The guests talked amongst themselves and agreed that they, collectively, never read a thorough account of Pope Leo X, and were unaware of his bitter cruelty.
"Then perhaps you shall learn something come tomorrow," Mr. Collins said. "I bid you all to retire. Tomorrow we begin this little game of ours. Goodnight, and farewell."
"If only it were backgammon," Mary said with a little sigh, and the entire party wished each other well and retired for the night.