Chapter 6: Beautiful Change

"Can I ask you a hypothetical question?"

"Shoot," Xu said, setting her coffee down on the railing of the quad. It was a golden, quiet morning outside. The sun was just beginning to rise and most of the students weren't awake yet. A warm ocean breeze blew through their hair as the Garden moved slowly from Fisherman's Horizon to Galbadia, where Headmaster Cid would meet with government officials and his students would meet with Deling City on a Friday night.

"Would you ever go out with a guy who's shorter than you?" Quistis asked.

"No," Xu said without hesitation. She took a sip from her styrofoam cup, and then looked to Quistis with her eyes widened. The dark-haired woman grinned.

"I think you would, though," she said. "Who is it?"

"You think I would? What's that supposed to mean? And besides, I told you it was a hypothetical question. I read a magazine article, and--"

"Because you still don't have a boyfriend, that's why."

Quistis set her cup down now, and crossed her arms as she looked at Xu.

"I've been in several relationships," she said.

"That's not what I said." Xu grinned again.

"Same thing,"

"Not really. Quistis, most people would say you have to go out with a guy more than twice before he's your boyfriend."

The instructor rolled her eyes, and sipped at her coffee.

"So are you going to tell me who it is?" Xu asked. "Or am I going to have to start naming off every guy I know who's shorter than you are?"

"Is it Zell?" she whispered loudly, mockingly conspiratorial. "Because he's taken."

Quistis sighed and buried her face in her hands, leaning forward over the railing on her elbows. After a moment, she turned her head so she could glance at Xu.

"If I hear one word about this from anyone…"

Xu waved her hand dismissively. "Fine, fine. My lips are sealed. Now fess up or I'll leak something about you pining for Raijin to your little fan club."

Quistis hesitated for a moment, and then asked, "What do you think of Matthew Caraway?"

The dark-haired woman spit a mouthful of coffee into the ocean.

Xu wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and then stared at Quistis for a moment.

"You're serious," she said quietly, her eyes widening again. "You're serious."

Quistis nodded. Xu stepped away from the railing, rubbing her forehead.

"Why?" she asked.

"What do you mean 'why'?"

"I mean there are a million reasons why this is a bad idea," she said, looking up at Quistis now. "For one, another student?"

"Oh, please. I'm only a year older than he is."

"That's not the point!" Xu said. "It's unprofessional, Quistis, and you know it. And besides, why him? I could understand you liking Squall – strong, handsome, smart…"

Quistis shook her head, her face red. "Don't talk about that," she said quietly. "That has nothing to do with…"

"Of course it does! Do you want to lose your job after you just got it back? And look, I feel bad about what happened to the Caraway kid, and I don't really know him, but… From what I've seen, I'm not even sure if there's much to know, Quistis."

"Xu, how can you say that?"

"I'm sorry, Quistis, but at least Squall was angry. I don't see anything in that kid's eyes."

"You don't understand."

"That's right. I don't. Tell me why this guy's worth risking your job over."

The blonde woman was leaning over the railing again, her eyes on the horizon.

"I saw him smile, Xu," she said softly. "And no, he's not as good-looking as Squall, but it was really beautiful."

Xu came to Quistis's side, following her eyes to where rising sun was casting an orange glow over the ocean.

"There is something there, Xu. His father… You know that Rinoa ran away from home to join the Timber Owls, right?"

The dark-haired woman nodded.

"Well, from what I've heard from Matthew… I don't blame her. He may be a fine general, but he's not much of a father. Matthew is as much of an orphan as the rest of us."

Xu finished her coffee and looked out over the ocean for a moment. "You've got strange taste in men, Quistis. You could have just about any guy in this place, and you keep going after the ones with problems."

Quistis looked down. "Everybody has problems, Xu."

"I know," she said. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to trivialize… I just don't want you to get hurt again."

"Me, neither. But I have to try. I know that it's… Impractical," she said. "And I appreciate you looking out for me. But I just have a feeling, Xu, and I don't understand it, but it's so strong. And I don't want to wait too long to act on it. I don't want to make that mistake again."

Xu put her hand on Quistis's and sighed. "Well, at least you won't have to worry about him trying anything," she said.

"Because he's polite to a fault?"

"No, because you're bigger than he is. You could just kick his ass."

"Shut up, Xu."

Squall felt himself relax as he sat in Rinoa's apartment. He had come down from the office he currently shared with Cid and Xu for his lunch break, and Rinoa was in the kitchen preparing a meal of some sort. He sat a table by an open window, ocean air drifting into the room, blue sky and sunlight beaming in on white walls. She hadn't fully moved into the place yet, and the décor was sparse, boxes still scattered around the room. He leaned back and rubbed his eyes, which already felt tired from staring into both the computer screen and the contents of manila file folders occasionally dropped on his desk.

When she came back into the room, he saw that she had prepared sandwiches and salad. A simple meal, but immediately evident to him was how much care had been put into it: the bread was fresh from a bakery (judging by its taste, Squall was certain it was from Panera's in Balamb), and the meat hand-cut. The vegetables in the salad and in the sandwiches were crisp, and he had heard her dicing at them when he knocked at her door.

"How is it?" she asked eagerly, a few minutes after they had begun to eat. "I mean, it's nothing exciting - I'm not much of a cook…"

"It's great," he said, looking up into her eyes for a moment. "It's really good."

The sincerity in his brief but sturdy eye contact, in the tone of his voice, in his almost-smile was not lost on Rinoa, and she smiled. With Squall, it was always subtle gestures and fine details – the more she was around him, the more she noticed them, not only in his behavior, but in every aspect of her life.

He had opened her eyes to the beauty of the little things in life, and she would show him that it was all right to express yourself in broader measures once in a while. It was one of the many ways they were changing each other already, and Rinoa only had to remind herself of this whenever she had doubts about turning her life upside down to be with him. She only had to think of the slow and beautiful changes, and of how many more were still to come.

"So I have a couple bits of news," she said.

"Good or bad?" he asked.

"Well, I think both bits are good…"

Squall laughed a little. He felt so damn relaxed. He didn't want to go back to that desk.

"Go ahead, then," he said.

"All right," she said, leaning towards him a little now. "You know I said I was gonna ask Matt if he wanted to come out with us tonight?"

"Yeah."

"He actually said yes! Can you believe it?"

His eyebrows raised a little. "It is a surprise," he said. Well, he thought, that isn't going to make things any easier tonight, having to stare at a guy I interrogated for protecting his sister. Great.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about," Rinoa said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I think he… Understands why you did what you did. I don't think he's going to hold it against you or anything. He's been around the military his whole life. He knows how it has to work."

Squall nodded slowly, though he didn't feel any better about what he'd done. He would come to terms with it eventually – he'd have to if he was going to be a good commander, because that was just the tip of the impossible-decision-iceberg – but at the moment he didn't think anything could alleviate his guilt.

"So what's the other bit?" he asked.

Rinoa took a deep breath. "Laguna's coming for a visit to Garden on Sunday."

She saw his hand ball up into a fist where it rested on the table, and then relax again.

"All right," he said quietly. "Surprised Cid didn't tell me about it, but…"

"Yeah, he told me this morning," she said with an apologetic half-smile. The headmaster had never liked to be the bearer of bad news. "So what do you think?"

Squall shrugged. "I don't know, I guess Cid will brief me on what's going to be discussed during the meeting, and… Not much to think about, really. He may not even want me there, like the meeting with your fa—General Caraway today."

"That's what I meant, Squall. Laguna is your father. You should probably, you know… Talk to him, don't you think?"

"Who said he was my father?" he asked, looking away from her out the window.

"Kiros."

"He just said I look like him."

Rinoa shook her head. "No, he told me that Laguna is your father."

Squall nodded. "I haven't thought about it much," he said, looking back at her. "And I don't really know what to think. You're right, I should talk to him."

"But not yet," he said, shaking his head. He took a sip from a glass of water and then looked over at a digital clock on top of some boxes. Squall gestured to it with his hand.

"Is that accurate?"

"Yes."

"I have to get back up to the office, then," he said. They cleared the table together and brought the dishes into the kitchen, where they set them in the sink. Before Squall could leave, Rinoa pressed him against the counter, her arms around his neck as they kissed a few times.

"Don't work too hard," she said, their faces close together.

"I'll try not to," he said. "But it's real urgent stuff we're doing up there."

Matthew frowned at his reflection in the mirror. He didn't like the way he looked very much. He never had, but it hadn't mattered until now; he had never wanted to look good for anyone. He thought he was a decent-looking guy - blessed with a clear complexion and in good shape (though entirely too skinny, Matthew thought), thanks to Galbadia's rigorous calisthenics regimen. He wasn't too pale – his skin was naturally lightly tanned, like his sister's, though he wasn't especially dark. His hair was black and neat, but too short to have any kind of style to it; it was a very military kind of haircut.

That's the point, though, he told himself as he unwrapped the bandages around his hands. He ran his finger along the deep cut, which hadn't even began to heal over yet. Matthew didn't really want to go out with his hands wrapped up. They drew attention, especially from people who knew why they were bandaged. No one had glared at him today, though there were still constant whispers. It was a student who found him out there on the quad, and news had traveled fast throughout Garden. He didn't expect that anyone felt sorry for him, but perhaps they thought he had paid the price for being a Galbadian. One student had even asked him for answers to a homework assignment (which Matthew gave to her, though he knew she wouldn't benefit from it).

So he wrapped his hands back up with fresh white gauze. He glanced up at himself in the mirror again, and saw in his reflection the downside to the sort of life he had chosen. Matthew had always sought to make himself inconspicuous – keep your head down, stay focused, and do what you're told. That had worked just fine in the classroom and in the training center. He imagined it would work just fine on the battlefield, too. But he had never expected to be asked out on a date (which he supposed it was, even if there were six others with them), and always figured he could simply decline the offer if the situation ever presented itself. Don't even bother, his father had said, and Matthew thought it seemed to be good advice.

But now he was obligated to bother. He had to repay a debt, right? The cadet, out of uniform for the first time since arriving in Balamb, stepped back to see how the shirt he wore looked. He frowned, feeling naked in the clothes that he hoped were neither too casual nor too formal. He felt, in fact, as naked as he had when he stepped into Balamb Garden for the first time wearing his Galabadian cadet's uniform.

What worried him was that what he was doing didn't feel like repaying a debt. You don't fuss over your appearance and question your purpose in life just to repay a debt. He wanted this. As bad as he knew he was in social situations, he wanted to make Quistis happy. It wasn't trying to meet the demands of an instructor - this was catching glimpses of sadness in someone's eyes and wanting to take it away.

Matthew had never taken classes or read books on making someone happy, and knew from his failure in pleasing his father that he had no talent for it. Rinoa had been blessed with that ability, but he had never been close enough to his sister to observe how she did it. He felt like if he could trade in all his military training for that simple gift, to be able to make Quistis feel good, that right now he'd do it. Matthew shook his head and stared at his reflection. It was completely ridiculous.

You're not cut out for this, he told himself. It's not your place to worry about other people, because it's nothing you can change, anyway. Go out tonight, repay your debt, and put her out of your mind. She's your SeeD instructor and her personal life is none of your business. And on top of all that, he'd known Quistis less than a week. Matthew decided that he simply missed Galbadia, had been through quite a bit since he'd arrived in Balamb, and wasn't thinking straight. It was the painkillers, or maybe he'd suffered some head trauma from his encounter with Seifer.

He smoothed out the front of his shirt. He leaned in close to the mirror to examine the cut at the side of his mouth. But it couldn't hurt to at least try tonight, he thought. He had to be there, anyway, right? For once in your life, make someone else feel good. Don't just sit there and wait for someone to ask you something. Don't stare at the table or the floor. Don't frown all the time. Don't talk so damned quietly. Don't stutter when you talk. Actually finish eating what you order for dinner. He would never be the life of anyone's party, but he could at least make himself agreeable company.

Matthew brushed his teeth. Since when did any of that stuff matter?

His father was right, he was sure of it now: women were a distraction.

To most people, the restaurant in Deling City was nice – it was well-lit, the food was above average, and the service was friendly. But for teenagers, it was perfect: in addition to what everyone liked about it, there were no reservations required, certainly no dress code, and the food wasn't very expensive. Despite unfamiliarity of the place, the group as a whole was more comfortable than it had been on Monday night in Balamb, and everyone fell easily into place.

The more socially-inclined talked loudest and longest: Irvine alternately boastful and coy, Selphie finding humor in almost everything, Zell good-natured and just short of obnoxious, Petra more quiet than the others (still an acquaintance to everyone except Zell), but a visibly enthusiastic listener, and Rinoa full of stories to tell of Deling City, though she tactfully left her father out of them.

Squall was in a much better mood than he was Monday, and in fact wore the trace of a smile all night. He mostly spoke when he was asked to, but everyone would have agreed that he was the funniest out of all of them that night, for the simple fact that he never tried to be funny. He was dry and self-deprecating without being self-pitying or standoffish.

Matthew and Quistis found themselves again at an end of the table, and seemed to occupy a world of their own. Their conversation was nearly that of a teacher and a dedicated pupil, discussing history, politics, and battle tactics – with Quistis talking modestly, though at great length, and Matthew listening alertly, asking questions that spurred her on, and filling in the occasional gaps of her discourse where her memory lapsed. But it was more than that, Irvine noticed, because Quistis kept touching his arm and he kept smiling at her. The sharpshooter didn't like to keep much under his hat besides his hair, and wasted no time in pointing out his observation to Rinoa.

After dinner, the group walked through the streets of Deling City in a loose double-file line, with no real destination in mind. They were all glad to be out of Garden for a while and no one was in a hurry to go back yet. When Squall was engaged in conversation with Zell, and Selphie with Petra, Irvine stopped walking to allow Rinoa to catch up with him, and then walked at her side.

"So, Rinoa," he said. "Any idea why your brother decided to join us tonight?"

She shook her head. "Not really, but I am glad he came. Seemed like he was actually having fun. Why?"

"He sure did talk with Quistis a lot, didn't he?"

"Yeah," she said. "Looks like they get along really well."

"Real well," he agreed, grinning.

"What's that look for?"

"I don't mean to judge, because your brother seems like a good guy," he said, gesturing over his shoulder with his head, where Quistis and Matthew brought up the rear of the group, "but does he usually smile that much? Because Quistis isn't usually what you'd call a 'touchy-feely' kind of person."

"What are you getting at, Irvine? I—"

Realization came to her like a slap in the face. She turned around to glance at the two of them. They weren't speaking now, but they walked close together, their shoulders occasionally brushing each other's. Matthew's hands were in his pockets, Quistis's clasped loosely in front of her waist. Their eyes were on the starless, red-tinged sky, stealing sidelong glances at each other even as Rinoa watched them. She jerked her head back around to face forward.

"Oh, crap," she said quietly.

Irvine grinned again. He spread his arms wide and took in a deep breath of the warm night air.

"Smell that?" he asked. "Spring may be long gone, but I'd recognize that scent anywhere."

Rinoa didn't respond, but looked up at the cowboy as he pushed up his hat a little.

"That's love in the air." Irvine put his arm around her shoulders, which elicited a frown from Squall, who was glancing at them through narrowed eyes. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

It should be, Rinoa thought. But she wasn't sure.

Notes:

Chapter title taken from a song of the same name by the Innocence Mission.

Thanks for reading!