Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, the characters, the flashbacks, or the song "White Lines" by Alexz Johnson
I tried to tell you
I've got to get away
I've tried to say
I need my space
I got to get some
Distance in between
My heart and my head
Emma stood in front of the mirror looking at her reflection. She'd changed so much over the last two years. So much in fact she no longer liked the girl staring back at her. Emma took a deep breath before turning away from the stranger wearing her skin and walked up the stairs. In the kitchen she stood quietly watching her mother wash the dirty dinner dishes. The dinner she had to force down under the watchful eyes of her parents and her best friend. She could hear the television going in the other room and the low murmur of Snake, Manny, and Jack laughing. She couldn't help but wonder when exactly she'd become the outcast in her own home.
"Mom," Emma spoke causing Spike to jump slightly.
Spike turned around and looked at her daughter. She was too thin, too pale, too quiet. She'd been through so much with the shooting, the STD, the eating disorder. Spike was worried about her but had no idea how to help. "Emma, honey, you startled me. Is everything okay?"
Emma shook her head yes as she sat down in one of the empty chairs surrounding the dinner table. She looked up at her mother but avoided her eyes, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Of course, sweetheart, what is it?" Spike answered drying her hands on the dishtowel and sitting down across from Emma.
Emma paused trying to find the right words that would make her mother understand. She knew this wasn't going to be easy especially with everything that had happened lately. Emma took another deep breath and spoke, "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I need to get away for a little while. You know, clear my head. I talked to Sean last night. Mom, I want to go to Wasaga, I want to see Sean."
"Oh, Em, I don't know." Spike replied with concern. Emma had just begun her counseling and she honestly didn't think seeing Sean was in Emma's best interest. "The salon's been really busy lately. I just don't think I can get the time off."
"I know you're worried about me, Mom, but I need to do this." Emma paused swallowing the lump that was forming in her throat, "Alone."
I'm on the razors edge
I've been here before
I know the way
Hey Emma sorry I kissed you…Don't turn away from me…I'm glad I found you Emma. You made my list…You flirted with me. I thought you liked me but that was something else…It's too late. I already shot someone. BANG!
Staying, I'm staying. Look for the first time in my life I need to be here, with my parents, to deal.
You already had the tour…Show me again. Show me again for real.
You are one cold girl…There are a ton of guys who would love the chance to be with me…Right now, I'm not one of them.
I'm so sorry Emma but I'm going to go stay at Joey's, just for a little while…No, no you can't. Go up there and convince her to let you stay…Do you love my mother…Of course…What about me…You know I do…Then what's to figure out?
We are going to take control. I'm going to take control…We could get rid of it…Desperate times call for desperate purging…But you look sick and the way your talking you might be sick…You're supposed to be my friend, Manny. I can't even trust you…I am. That's why I'm trying to help you…I can't breath, my chest. Manny something's happening.
Emma woke up her breath ragged, her body covered in a cold sweat. With shaking hands she tossed the covers back and walked across the cool cement floor to the full length mirror hanging on the wall. Her hair was matted to the sides of her face, her eyes dark and shrunken, her skin so pale it was almost transparent. Emma wiped at a tear that had broken loose as she fought the urge to smash the mirror.
"Em, are you okay?" Manny asked from behind her, her voice low and full of sleep.
Emma shook her head yes despite the fact that the room was dark and there was no way Manny could see her. She was tired and weak and didn't have the energy to voice it. Emma listened as the bed squeaked at the loss of Manny's weight. She silently counted the seconds it took for Manny to reach her side and the second her friends arm was around her she collapsed into a fit of sobs. She was tired of hurting, tired of hating, tired of feeling like the world around her was caving in.
"I have to get out of here, Manny. I have to get away." Emma gasped taking large gulps of air in between each word. She felt like she was suffocating under all the emotion and pain of the last two years.
Manny held her friend, hurting for her. She knew deep down inside of the broken girl in her arms was the strength that had once caused Emma to glow. The strength that had caused her to fight for all the things she believed in no matter what the consequences. "Emma, it's going to be okay. You'll see everything is going to be okay."
White lines
And headlights in my eyes
White lines
I'm ready to drive all night
Emma loaded her small suite case into her Mother's car. She'd finally given in to the idea of Emma going to Wasaga. They'd spoken to Emma's therapist who had agreed it wasn't a bad idea for Emma to get a little distance from Toronto and after promising her Mother she'd call every day, twice a day if necessary, Spike had finally caved in giving Emma the keys to her car and a hundred dollars she'd been saving for a rainy day.
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this." Spike said hugging Emma tightly as everyone gathered around to say goodbye. "Just be careful. I love you, Em."
"I love you too, Mom." Emma replied, a faint smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Manny asked for the millionth time since Spike had agreed to the trip.
"I'm sure," Emma answered hugging her friend. "I need to do this on my own."
"Okay." Manny replied as she took a step back and looked at her best friend. She prayed seeing Sean was just what Emma needed to get her life back on track.
Emma finished saying goodbye to her family before climbing behind the steering wheel. She pulled away from the house taking one last look in the rearview mirror before heading towards the highway. Emma smiled as she realized in just two hours she'd be seeing Sean. For the first time in a long time Emma was truly happy.
Emma drove straight through only stopping once to use the bathroom and get a drink. The closer she got to the Wasaga line the faster her heart began to race. Sean was only a few minutes away and Emma knew deep in her heart that seeing Sean would make everything okay even if it were only for a few days.
White lines
How many 'till I'm in your arms
White lines
Will bring me home
Emma pulled off the highway and took the familiar turns towards Sean's house. She'd only been there once but she could drive it with her eyes closed. Emma pulled up in front of the tiny trailer where she'd said goodbye to Sean over a year ago. It looked the same and yet different, kind of the way she felt. She sat there starring up at the place Sean now called home and wondered what it had that Toronto didn't.
The front door swung open and Sean stepped out on to the steps. Emma smiled as she forced away the tears of joy that wanted to break loose. She climbed out of the car locking eyes with Sean and she knew she'd made the right decision.
"Hey, Emma," Sean said with a small smile as he joined her by the car. "I'm glad you called. I'm glad you came."
"Me too," Emma replied her voice shaking slightly with the built up emotion. She wrapped her arms around Sean's neck hugging him tightly like her life depended on it. She breathed him in, the familiar sent of Zest soap, sweat, and motor oil flooding her mind with a million memories. Good memories from before the shooting.
Emma felt a surge of electricity rush through her as Sean wrapped his arms around her waist. A feeling of safety encircled her making her want to stay in her arms forever.
"Why don't we go for a walk?" Sean suggested his arms still wrapped tightly around Emma, her head still resting on his shoulder.
Emma shook her head yes as she reluctantly took a step back breaking the contact they'd had. She looked him over noticing for the first time that he hadn't changed all that much. Would the old Sean even like the new Emma or had this been a horrible mistake after all?
She felt Sean's hand wrap around hers as they headed away from the trailer. Neither spoke as they walked the short distance to the beach. The sun was beginning to set, casting a golden glaze over the water. Emma slipped her sandals off as the walked along the water's edge. The water washed over her bare feet causing them to sink into the sand. Her hair blew in the light breeze coming off the ocean.
"There's so much I have to tell you." Emma said, breaking the comfortable silence that had been surrounding them. "So much has happened. So much has changed."
"I know. Your Mom told me about the eating disorder. Em, I'm so sorry. I should have called. I should have stayed in touch. I just…I thought it would be easier for you if I didn't." Sean replied staring down at the sand.
Emma took a deep breath, "There's more Sean. After you left I…I …"
"Tell me. You can tell me anything." Sean replied looking up at Emma, concern flashing through his eyes.
"I went to the Ravine. I…I hooked up with Jay." Emma answered, letting out the breath she hadn't known she'd been holding.
"You had sex with Jay?" Sean asked clenching his jaw against the anger that was welling up inside of him.
Emma looked out towards the water in an attempt to avoid Sean's eyes, "No, well not technically. I went down on him. It was so stupid but he was the only one not treating me like I was going to break. It was like, after the shooting, everyone was watching me, walking on egg shells. I couldn't take. Then with the STD and now with the anorexia, I just, I can't stand the looks anymore."
Sean reached out gently tugging on Emma's chin so that she was looking at him, "It's okay, Em. You're here now. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
Emma felt the urge to cry building up again. She forced the tears away before replying, "You had your own things to deal with."
"Yeah, I did, but the way I felt about you, it hasn't changed. I still love you Em." Sean said kissing Emma gently on the lips. He didn't care how much she had changed. The only thing he cared about was that she was there with him.
Emma couldn't respond. She stood there silently taking in the words and the kiss she'd longed for since their break up. She shivered from the warmth of his body being so close and from somewhere deep inside herself she caught a glimpse of the girl she use to be.
I held you in
My arms last night
I dreamed we were
Riding on a star
I kissed you and
The sun began to shine
In dreams I can do anything
They walked a little further before finding the perfect spot on the beach to sit down and watch the moon come up. The night was perfect, like something out of a story book. Happily ever after actually didn't seem so far fetched. Emma snuggled into Sean's arms as they talked about the good old days. They avoided anything that had to do with the shooting or beyond it, choosing instead to laugh about their first date, or their first dance, or their first kiss. Emma laughed like she hadn't laughed in years, full of sincerity and happiness. She looked up at the stars and made a wish that the bad times were behind her and that this was the new start she'd been waiting for.
It seems like I'm on my own
It feels like I'm losing it all
It was after midnight when they made it back to the trailer. Exhaustion hit Emma like a ton of bricks the second she saw the familiar homestead. A yawn escaped her as they climbed the stairs and entered the quiet house. Sean motioned for Emma to quietly follow him and the two silently walked back the tiny hallway to what Emma figured was Sean's bedroom.
"You take the bed, I'll take the floor." Sean replied grabbing a sleeping bag out of his closet and spreading it out on the floor.
Emma sat down on the bed watching Sean's movements. She cleared her throat drawing Sean's attention away from his task, "Sean, when are you coming back to Toronto?"
Sean looked down at his hands, hating the fact that he couldn't give her the answer she wanted to hear, "I don't know, Em."
Emma nodded before lying back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. She didn't bother wiping away the tear that trailed down her cheek. She was grateful the room was dark as another tear followed. She listed to the rustling as Sean climbed into the sleeping bag and then the room went silent.
Night time was always hard for Emma. She'd lie awake in bed, her mind reminding her of everything that was wrong about her; about her life and when she was finally able to fall asleep her dreams were haunted by the horrors of the last few years. In the dark she couldn't hide from the past, she couldn't hide from the pain. In the dark all her imperfections were blindingly bright.
She listened as Sean fell asleep, his soft snoring lulling her to sleep and for the first time in a very long time she didn't dream about Rick, or the Ravine, or the fact that the diet soda she'd had earlier was now settling on her thighs. Instead she dreamt of the ocean, the waves crashing into the sand, the moon reflecting off the water, the breeze lightly touching her face. She dreamt about Sean, his arms wrapped tightly around her, his lips whispering 'I love you' in her ear, his intoxicating scent causing every nerve in her body to shiver involuntarily. It was a dream of possibilities.
Emma woke the next morning completely revived. She felt more like the girl protesting GM foods in the school cafeteria than the girl trying to live off power bars. She rolled over to find Sean still sleeping on the floor beside her, his face buried in the sleeping bag. She smiled before climbing out of bed and snuggling down next to Sean on the floor. She heard him mumble before his head appeared, a smile lighting up his face, his eyes still closed.
"Good morning." He offered with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before opening them and looking into hers.
"It is." She replied offering him a genuine smile.
Sean propped himself up on his elbow before leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. God, she was beautiful, he thought before asking, "So what do you want to do today?"
"Hum," Emma replied biting her lip as she thought over the options. "I could definitely use a little work on my tan."
Sean laughed causing Emma to laugh. He couldn't help but think it sounded great, the sound of her laughter echoing in his ear first thing in the morning. "The beach it is." He replied sitting up and stretching.
White lines
And headlights in my eyes
White lines
I'm ready to drive all night
White lines
How many 'till I'm in your arms
White lines
Will bring me
Emma and Sean found a spot somewhere in the middle of the crowd already starting to form on the beach. The sun was warm shining down and heating up the sand. The warmth seeped through the sheet giving it that fresh out of the dryer feeling. Emma settled down on her knees while she dug around in her bag for her sunscreen.
"I don't know about you but I'm hitting the water." Sean said pulling off his shirt before looking down at Emma.
"Sean?" She asked looking up at him but not at his face.
Sean realized his mistake and lifted a hand to the place right above his heart that spelled out her name in black letters. He felt his face heat up and knew it wasn't just from the sun. "Last summer, Jay showed up out of the blue whining about his break up with Alex. We went to a bonfire on the beach, he got wasted and decided we should get tattoos. I tried to talk him out of it but instead he ended up talking me into it."
Emma stood up, tracing her fingers over the letters in her name. He'd branded himself with her name. While the idea of a tattoo had always sounded a little barbaric to her, the sentiment alone meant everything.
"Are you up for a swim?" Sean asked placing his hand over hers that was still resting on his chest.
"I'll race you to the water." She replied with a smile before gently pushing Sean out of the way and dashing barefoot across the sand. Sean chased after her as they made there way towards the crystal blue waves of the ocean. The second their feet hit the water they began to splash each other laughing like a couple of hyenas. The day was turning out to be just about perfect.
As the sun settled high in the sky, Emma found her self lying on her stomach listening to Craig's latest demo as she watched a little girl playing in the sand a few feet away. The girl's blonde hair was moving slightly in the warm breeze causing her to stop what she was doing and swat it out of her face. Emma laughed silently, remembering the times her and her Mother had spent at the beach. She remembered how she used to be the little blonde girl building sandcastles in the sun. It seemed like such a long time ago and yet she could remember it like it was yesterday. The smell of sunscreen mixed with sweat, the feel of the warm sand shifting between her toes, the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. It felt good to be lost in memories that didn't involve her self-destructing.
Emma closed her eyes and began to drift off the sound of Craig's voice lulling her to sleep. She was dozing when she felt a drop of water touch her arm. She smiled to herself knowing Sean had joined her. Emma quickly rolled over looking up at Sean as he dried himself off with a large beach towel.
"So, I was thinking we'd go back to my place, get cleaned up, and go grab a bite to eat. There's this great vegetarian place right on the beach." Sean offered flopping down next to her. He noticed the hesitant look on her face and wanted to kick himself. He quickly added, "Em, you've barely eaten since you got here. I promised your Mom I'd see to it that you ate, if you go home skinnier then you were when you got here your Mom will never let you come visit me again."
"I'll try." Emma replied her stomach already beginning to revolt against the thought. She hated that Sean had to see this side of her but he was right. She was going to have to eat something or her Mother would never agree to a trip like this again.
The restaurant was picture perfect. The walls were made of glass giving a fantastic view of the ocean glowing golden in the setting sunlight. Candles danced on every table almost in tune with the soft music filtering through the room. It was romantic and didn't seem at all like a place Sean would frequent on a regular basis but for the two of them together it would have been perfect had Emma's mind been on the atmosphere and not on the fact that the one thing they'd come here to do was the last thing Emma wanted to do.
Emma ignored the menu sitting in front of her as she starred out at the landscape. She hated that Sean was about to see her weakness. The dark side of the girl she'd become. She'd have given just about anything for the floor to open up and swallow her whole.
"I thought maybe we could share a plate. That way you don't have to feel obligated to eat too much and you don't have to be worried about eating too little. I've heard the lasagna's really good." Sean offered reaching across the table and taking Emma's hand in his own drawing with it her attention.
She smiled unable to believe that even after every thing that had happened Sean could still tell what she was thinking, what she was feeling. It some how made her feel like she wasn't as lost as she thought she was.
"Okay," She replied forcing a smile. She still wasn't thrilled about the idea of eating but with Sean sitting across from her it didn't seem quite as disgusting as it usually did.
When the food came, Emma forced down the forkfuls of lasagna, trying desperately to quit the calculations in her head. Automatically her mind began to add and subtract the number of calories she was eating, the number of miles it would take to burn them off, the number of pounds that would plague her body with each bite but she ate despite it and to her amazement it actually tasted good.
"See that wasn't so bad." Sean teased as they waited on the waiter to bring them their change.
"Thank you." Emma replied squeezing Sean's hand gently.
"For what?" he asked in confusion.
Emma looked Sean straight in the eye before honestly admitting, "For not judging me, for understanding, for making that easier than it has been. When I decided to come I was so worried that you'd see this freak of a girl who doesn't even remotely resemble the girl I use to be, that we wouldn't have anything in common, that you wouldn't still like me."
"Em, you're still that girl. Just because you can't see doesn't mean everyone else can't and you're not a freak, just a girl who's been through more than her fair share of problems, and I'll always like you. I'll always love you. You're beautiful because you're not perfect." Sean replied reaching over and wiping away the tear that trailed down Emma's cheek.
Seems like I've been here before
I know the way
Seems like I've been on my own
So long
So long
"You're all set." Sean said slamming the trunk shut. "I wish you didn't have to go."
"Me too but I have a meeting with my shrink tomorrow and Mom's not about to let me miss that." Emma replied kicking at the gravel with the toe of her shoe.
"Your Mom loves you, Em, she's worried about you and besides I need you when school starts." Sean added walking Emma to the driver's side door.
"What do you mean?" Emma asked looking up at Sean in confusion. There was the slightest bit of hope building up inside of her and she tried to ignore it afraid of being let down.
Sean smiled, "I want to graduate from Degrassi. I want to graduate with you."
"You're serious?" Emma asked a large smile beginning to form on her lips as she threw her arms around Sean's neck and hugged him tight.
"Yeah, I'm serious." Sean replied squeezing Emma gently.
White lines
And headlights in my eyes
White lines
I'm ready to drive all night
Emma turned her car onto the highway, a smile lighting up her tan face. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and for the first time in months didn't have the urge to break the glass. Sean was coming back. Emma felt an old emotion stirring inside, one she hadn't felt in so long she almost didn't' recognize it, happiness, such a normal emotion it's often over looked but for a girl who's seen more than her fair share of problems it was a break through.
White lines
How many 'till I'm in your arms
White lines
Will bring me home