Disclaimer : I do not own Evangelion, although like many others I wish I did. I own none of the characters. This is a normal Eva fic, not sure about Eva battles because I am trying to focus on Shinji's torment and hopeful revenge, hehe. Read and Review, I need criticism and I need to know people are reading this garbage. Anyhoo, on with the show!

Right then

'Thought'

"Speech"

"(Actions in speech)"

-

"Doctor Akagi? Shinji Ikari is here to see you."

The blonde doctor looked up from her notes as her young assistant, Maya Ibuki, leaned against the doorframe, an image the elder woman had missed during her incarceration. The woman stood there with Ritsuko in a daze for a moment before she snapped out of her trance and shook her head.

"What was that Maya?"

"Shinji is here."

"Oh right, send him in, please."

The younger woman smiled and gave a little nod, turning on the balls of her feet and moving back towards her desk, Ritsuko found herself staring at the girl's rear as she turned to leave. She was then confronted with the rebellious visage of Shinji Ikari, the boy with long black hair. He was stood at the door, his usual nervousness seemed a distant memory, instead he simply seemed bored.

"Please come in Shinji."

He looked at her and took a seat, he sat forwards as he usually did, but he lacked the usual flexing of his hand. Ritsuko noticed this as it was something she deliberately spread around the office because she had found it quite entertaining. The doctor began shifting through some papers when she asked Shinji the first question, she didn't even look up at him.

"So Shinji, do you know why you are here?"

Shinji then very unexpectedly sat back, he brought one leg onto the other and sat almost like Kaji would on the chair.

"My guess would be the fact that I threw my S-DAT out of the window. Added to the confrontation with Asuka before hand and my incredibly lame excuse to why I airmailed my S-DAT across the street."

Ritsuko carefully analysed every word Shinji said, searching for the laced emotions, worry, nervousness, guilt. She found none. In fact she did sense a sort of defiance that she had only ever heard when Shinji threatened to destroy NERV with Unit-01 after the dummy-plug incident. When she looked at Shinji's face she got the impression that he was the same boy as before but he had let go of that one major character fault, his own insecurity.

"Well Shinji, that is part of the reason, you're erratic behaviour of late was only the fuse of the situation, to be honest we have wanted to see you for some time. We believe that life as an Eva pilot has psychologically harmed you and we wished to see what the damage was."

Shinji took a second to take in what was said, it was obvious that they must have been watching him, although why they let Asuka get so far along was beyond him.

'Asuka.'

Once more the name alone set him off, he felt his blood boil at the name and for a moment his eyes even seemed to go a tint of red. Ritsuko wondered why Shinji's head had dropped all of the sudden and it was only then that she noticed his hair.

"Shinji, have you done something to your hair?"

Shinji snapped out of his small trance, he looked up at her and noticed the veil of hair, he brushed it aside and sat up again.

"No, everyone keeps asking that, I just haven't had it cut in a while. I've been a little preoccupied."

"That is also a point of this meeting, your recent depression and more recent lack-there-of has raised some questions about your sanity."

"You people are worried because I was depressed and now I'm better?"

"Essentially. Unfortunately for someone with your background it is hard to believe you magically found a miracle, over-night cure for schizophrenia."

Once more Ritsuko bit her tongue, she was beginning to get good at letting out choice information to people who didn't need to hear it. Shinji's eyes widened at the mention of a psychological problem, especially one that people implied he had. After a moment he seemed to regress back to the usual Shinji.

"What do you mean, schizophrenia?"

"I'm sorry Shinji but we have expected it for some time, with your childhood as it was it would be a logical assumption. We believe, especially with recent events, that you are a schizophrenic."

"What does that mean? That I have split-personalities?"

Shinji's behaviour over the week and a half flooded back and he began to wonder that another personality had simply emerged from his subconscious. Maybe he was mental.

"No, it is a myth that schizophrenia and split personalities go hand in hand, it is also not something that makes a person violent and it is curable, but not over night."

Shinji allowed what was said to sink in, Ritsuko noticed that it was Shinji's insecurity that made him weak, his immediate doubting of his own state of mind sent him back to normal. After a few minutes Shinji looked at the mirror Ritsuko had hung on the wall.

'I am me. My burdens are my own. I am no more or less than the sum of what makes me whole. Schizophrenia or not, I am Shinji Ikari and this is not something that has happened over night. I can deal with that.'

Shinji looked back at Ritsuko with the same defiance he showed when he first entered the room, in fact when he turned back he had his eyes closed in concentration. When he opened his eyes Ritsuko was sure she felt a gust of hot air hit her face, this Shinji was not the same Shinji who piloted Eva. After a moment to compose herself, she looked at her notes and began asking questions.

"So Shinji what can you tell me about your father?"

"Well you slept with him, you tell me. I just know he is a bastard who abandoned me when I was a child, I refuse to let such events bother me anymore."

Ritsuko's eye twitched at Shinji's answer and at the same time she noticed that the boy was confident in his conviction to ignore his past.

"What about your mother?"

"She died. The time we were together, whether or not I was old enough to remember, was a happy time, there are people who had them longer and are unhappy. I count myself lucky."

"Friends?"

"I have two best friends, they stayed by me as long as they could, through better or worse, I can't ask for more than that. I guess you could also call Rei a friend, but we haven't talked recently."

"Asuka."

Shinji's fist clenched.

"Can we talk about something else."

"No, I'm sorry but it seems that you have developed quite a problem with Ms. Soryu, a problem that must be rectified if you are to work together in future."

"With all due respect Dr. Akagi, I would rather I didn't think about that person, it doesn't put me in the best of moods."

"What is your relationship with the Second Child?"

"Don't ask those questions."

"The Second Child, what is the relationship."

"Shut up."

"How do you feel about Asuka!?"

Shinji snapped.

"SHE IS THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE HUMAN IN THE WORLD! She is barely human as it is, I shouldn't be fighting angels, I should be fighting her! That's all she ever seems to want to do to me, no matter how much love I show! How much kindness! She just insults me and calls me names! I HATE HER! I WISH SHE HAD DIED!"

Ritsuko had pushed the chair away from the desk, she was sweating and breathing heavily, from her seat she went over the last few seconds in her head. She pushed with Shinji, and it didn't take all that much, she then watched as he brought his fist up and slammed his knee with it. Next thing he stood up, throwing the chair back so hard it hit the wall and bent, he then slammed his hands on the table and yelled at her. His face was so close she was sure he was going to bite her and all the while she could simply stare at the red eyes that were moving around and blinking. When Shinji was finished he stood up straight in the middle of the room, his head down and tears appearing trickling down his cheeks. Ritsuko stared at him as he began to break down a little.

"Why should I be forced to kill someone who loves me… when I am forced to love someone who hates me."

Ritsuko walked over and Shinji's eyes had turned a sort of dark-pink, they were no longer the blood red of rage, but they were still not the normal obsidian blue, that they were so used to seeing. As she stared into his eyes they slowly returned to normal, the blue returning and the tears drying on his cheeks.

"Shinji… you have been through a lot… if today's test doesn't go as planned… I will recommend that we reassign you to another school."

"Thank you… Ritsuko."

Shinji was led out of the room, Maya then went to help him but he politely pushed her away, shaking his head he seemed to regain a sort of composure and continued to walk. Ritsuko then returned to her desk, she looked at some files then at Shinji's latest physical results. After a few moments, she pressed a button on the desk.

"Maya will you send Major Katsuragi a message to see me right away."

"Yes ma'am."

Shinji walked through NERV towards the sync-test area, he knew he had an hour or so to waste so he thought he would waste it there. After almost two weeks of the utmost confidence, he still managed to break down into his old self. He had managed to steer clear of the orange haired girl for over a week, she was still 'too ill' to attend school so she stayed in the house all day. After her initial confrontation with Shinji she was scared to start another, Shinji was happy to oblige by spending most of his time in his room. It was two days in when he started writing things down and after a week he had quite the pad of words and phrases that summed up his being. He continued to walk towards the labs and once he reached the area where they usually waited for the test he sat down, the area was deserted.

"I need to keep my cool. It's all well and good coming to terms with the feelings of the past but if I let these new feelings out… then it will all be for nothing."

He looked over at the can machine, then at the sweet dispenser, finding nothing to take his mind off whom was about to arrive he figured he should try and sort things out. He picked out a pad and pen and began scribbling.

"So… I love Asuka, obvious, I love Asuka, Rei and Misato, they all make up who I am. I can't change my insecurity, but I can understand that I am a product of experiences. But after over a year of her constant bickering, her hatred, I just can't stand her anymore and at the same time I can't stand my own love for her. So I either have to leave… or get her to accept my love and let me in."

Shinji circled something on the paper furiously and then put the pad away, he clicked the pen in and then looked around the room.

"Sigh, so where is the exit?"

Shinji chuckled to himself, he knew he couldn't just leave, not because of his obligation to pilot, or for a sense of worth, but because he said he would. Nowadays it seemed that his word meant more to him than anything else. He sat and thought about times when Asuka did let him in, it wasn't often, but maybe if he could just get inside, get in her defences then maybe they could be happy.

"I just have to work on keeping Dark inside, the more I let him out the worse things get. It is bad enough that he is so obvious in the first place but now Ritsuko has seen him. This is worrying."

"What is worrying?"

Shinji jumped out of his skin, he hadn't noticed that the girl with the permanently red eyes was stood behind him, she had entered just at the end of his little mutter. He turned quickly to face her, jumping to his feet as he did so, and almost fell over backwards.

"Ayanami!?"

"Pilot Ikari… watch out."

Shinji stumbled backwards and ended up landing on his rear, although this time he didn't fall over in Ayanami's presence and land on top of her. He managed to sit up, his face going bright red as he did so, he stood quickly and brushed himself off, trying to regain some level of dignity.

"Ayanami, so… what are you doing here so early?"

"I am always here 20 minutes before the tests, I like to purchase some carbonated soda drinks to keep my energy up."

"Really? I never knew about that."

"You never asked."

-

"So what was it you wanted to tell me? We have to be at the test in 40 minutes."

Ritsuko looked up from her paperwork towards the Major who didn't look like she was stopping for any great length of time. Ritsuko then slowly placed the papers down and Misato quickly understood that she was to sit down.

"Good, now then, Shinji."

"Yeah, what's wrong with him?"

"There is nothing wrong with him, in a way he is in just as much turmoil as before, it's just a different sort of turmoil."

"Specifics."

"Look, there are no specifics in psychology, the best I can say is what I believe. And I believe that the Shinji we used to know managed to get by, by hiding his emotions and pain from others and himself. Not facing them in order to protect himself from pain."

"I understand that."

"Well now it seems that he has taken your advice, he has stopped hiding and faced some of his problems. In doing so his emotions have become far more unstable. Now the usual Shinji, when he isn't forced to face certain problems, will act like a normal teenager, as we have seen. He has managed to realise that he has value without the Eva, so he is more confident, but as soon as you press him on certain points his emotions take over."

"Is that why he broke the window?"

"It is possible that he also suffered from mild post traumatic stress, the music on the S-DAT may have triggered a reaction that caused violence. Now I think Shinji is actually managing to cure his own schizophrenia, by changing how he reacts to things, he now has something he can focus on, once he can control his emotions fully, he should be a well rounded individual."

"How long will it take? And is he a danger to anyone?"

"It could take years and until then he is likely to have many outbursts but I don't believe he will be particularly dangerous. Now something else I found that I can't explain is that Shinji's body has found a way to give us an early warning?"

"Early warning?"

"His eyes. When I pushed the issue of Asuka on him he exploded angrily, now he didn't hurt me or himself but I did notice that his eyes were bright red, almost like Rei's."

"His eyes changed colour?"

"I think so, when he started crying they went a deep pink and then blue when he began to calm down. His body has been through an Eva and back, so it is possible that it is a side effect."

"Are you sure you have been getting enough sleep?"

"Just watch Misato, you'll see it eventually. Now hurry along, we don't want to be late for the tests."

"Hey wait for me!"

Both women left the office, they found Maya carrying a stack of handouts and the three moved towards the sync-area.

-

"I never realised that you disliked your room so much."

"Yes, I have never liked it, it reminded me of death, but I have been unable to relocate."

"You haven't been able to? So you have tried?"

"Yes, every time my attempts have been thwarted by the Commander."

"He doesn't like his chess pieces moving for themselves."

"What was that?"

"I believe my father likes to think of us all as pieces on a chess board, so he gets angry when one of us tries to move for ourselves."

"That is… an interesting analogy."

Shinji could almost sense Asuka's entrance, when she entered it was like an aura of darkness followed her, it filled every facet of the room, then his hair. He hadn't noticed but his hair seemed to change colour actively.

"Hmmm. That is interesting… pilot Ikari, how did you make your hair change colour?"

"What? I'm sorry Ayanami, what did you say?"

"How was it that you made your hair change from light brown to black?"

"I didn't..."

"Maybe it was Ms. Soryu then."

Shinji twitched at the remark, in a way he knew she was right, his hair had been getting darker and darker over the last week, the more and more he thought of Asuka. It seemed that while he talked to Rei and thought only of her, he became his normal self, it was Asuka that brought out the dark in him. The orange haired girl sat on a bench at the other end of the hall, facing away from the two other pilots, waiting for their superiors to show up. Shinji looked between Rei and Asuka, he could almost feel his hair changing, but after a moment of looking at Rei's quizzical features he stood up.

"Excuse me please, Ayanami, can we finish this conversation later?"

"Of course, I will wait here for Major Katsuragi and Dr. Akagi."

"Speak to you later."

Rei gave a small nod and Shinji moved towards Asuka, as he turned from Rei his face went from a soft smile to a hardened glare. He focused on the task at hand, and especially on keeping Dark back. He reached Asuka and stood in front of her.

"Is that seat taken?"

"No, but there are plenty of other seats."

"I understand that… but I wish to… damn it Asuka, is it so hard to talk to me?"

"Humph."

"You know that stuck up attitude doesn't suit you."

"Grrr…"

Asuka's head turned to the side, in the hope of escaping the disgusting creature before her, but she could seem to escape him, while she was looking away, Shinji sat in the space beside her. She moved her head back to the front.

"You are a persistent little child aren't you?"

"I wish you would stop calling me a child, I'm only a few months younger than you."

"Well if you acted that way, maybe you won't be treated like one."

"There is only one child here."

"What was that!"

Asuka turned to find Shinji staring at her, once more his darkened glare managed to tame the wild beast that was about to go medieval on his ass. Asuka stared into the eyes and realised that Shinji was not playing games, he was not being a child and he certainly was not trying to simply piss her off.

"We have to live together Asuka, we have both tried to get out of it and we can't, so just face it, you are stuck with me."

"You're damn right I'm stuck with you."

"I just don't understand what I ever did to you."

"You exist, isn't that enough?"

Shinji could feel Dark ready to emerge, ready to turn his eyes red and give Asuka a piece of his mind so he was relieved when Dr. Akagi appeared and called them all into the changing rooms. The change was silent, Shinji did so without worry or embarrassment, in fact after Asuka had complained about being forced to change in front of Shinji, it seemed irrelevant when Shinji walked past the fully clothed Asuka in his plug suit. Shinji was, for the first time, the first of the pilots into the test plug. Asuka and Rei shortly followed and the training began.

"Now I realise it has been a while for all of you, so just try your best and don't worry about the results."

"Today's test will involve a two hour synchronisation test, followed by a two hour battle simulation tomorrow."

"What will the simulation be on?"

"You will be told tomorrow, just focus on the current task and begin."

Shinji allowed his head to flop forward slightly, he then began to imagine the Eva around him. He felt his fingers slide into the Evas like a massive glove, his feet into the Eva's feet, his heartbeat in tune with the pulsing of the Eva's core. For a moment he felt like he was sleeping.

"What was that?"

"What?"

"Shinji's sync just shot up to 90 for a moment, it's moved back down to 80 but still…"

"80!? Shinji has never been able to maintain such a high level before, lower him in five marks."

"Roger."

Shinji felt himself lower slightly, almost like the LCL got a little heavier on his lungs, he knew that they were performing some test on him to see just how well he would do.

'Maybe I am really bad, maybe I can get out of here.'

Unfortunately Shinji's thoughts were far from reality.

"We are still showing over 70 synchronisation, at this level most pilots would be suffering from mental contamination but Shinji is holding strong."

"Okay Maya, keep Shinji's level varying randomly within the safety limits and then after an hour call me back."

"Roger."

"What about Asuka and Rei?"

"Well Asuka is doing much better than her last test, it seems that she has recovered from her 'lull'."

"That's good we couldn't have another child being called. And Rei?"

"Rei seems to be doing better also, it seems that they are all doing well today."

"I think Shinji's confidence is making the other two improve."

"Well it would make sense, Asuka wants to be the best and Shinji has come along and actually put up a fight. Rei typically doesn't care but seeing Shinji focusing so hard, must make her want to try harder too."

"When did you become a psychologist Misato?"

"While you were in prison."

-

"Okay, bring Shinji out and then the other two in half an hour."

"Ma'am."

Shinji felt the LCL get lighter and lighter, for several moments he thought they were pulling him out early to tell him to go home for good. But when the LCL drained away completely he was left sitting there for several minutes.

"What do you mean there is still synchronisation!?"

"I can't explain it! There is no LCL in the tube but we are detecting a connection between the pilot and the Evangelion!"

"At what level?"

"Holding at nearly 40!"

"That's higher than in his first battle! Get me a read out of recent Evangelion activity!"

"Ma'am!"

Misato moved to an empty console while the other two women yelled at one another and she picked up the receiver.

"Sorry Shinji, you'll just have to sit there for another couple of minutes, okay?"

"Sure Misato."

Maya printed off a huge list of figures and graphs to show Ritsuko, the three women the sifted through it to find something of value. After a few moments Ritsuko and Maya leaned back.

"Nothing, no abnormal readings."

"No, nothing."

They spotted Misato's rear still bobbing in the air as she went through the reams of sheets on the floor. For a moment they seemed mesmerised by it before they looked to one another and blushed.

"Err. Ritsuko, what is this a read out for?"

The Doctor looked over the sheet and then looked back at Misato.

"It is a read out for the pressure sensors in the arm restraints."

"I thought so, because, if you look there is a peak here (pointing to one section) and another down here (pointing several pages down)."

"So?"

"Look at the time frame."

"Nine days ago, at about 10pm and today about three hours ago."

"The S-DAT and…"

"My office."

All three women's heads turned to face the monitors while Shinji sat in the test plug, he was aimlessly looking around the plug, like he was taking in a few sights before he left. They then looked at each other and then gulped.

-

Author Note : Thanks for my first couple of reviews, hope you enjoy where the story is going! The hair and eye thing will be explained in a little more detail but for now it is just my way of giving physical attributes to Shinji's varying mental state. I also chose black because I decided before writing the story that Shinji's main emotional outbursts would be darker emotions like hate and anger, hence Dark. Of course, no Dark character would be complete without black hair and red eyes. The eyes themselves I have taken from the saying that 'the eyes are windows to the soul' so each emotion brings out a different colour, if strong enough.