Hello there. It has taken me SO LONG to upload, I apologize! Honestly, I thought I knew where I was taking this story, and then I lost my way. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. Leave suggestions in the reviews, pretty please! (:

Disclaimer: All Dick Wolf's, not mine. That SOB.

Amanda didn't even realize she was crying until she got through her front door and her babysitter gave her a concerned look. She swiped away the hot tears, mumbled an "I'm fine" and a "thank you" as she paid her. She went straight to Jesse's room, opening the door quietly and peeking in to see her sweet girl bundled up, sound asleep. Amanda shut the door and heard her front door close at the same time, signaling that the babysitter was gone and she was alone. She shed her coat and shoes as she moved toward the kitchen to rifle through the cabinet where she kept the liquor. She pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels, popped the top and took a swig straight from the bottle. Maybe this would numb the pain and quiet her head a little?

She leaned against the cabinet and ended up sinking down to the floor, bottle in hand, burying her head in her knees, crying again.

Knowing there was going to be an investigation into who leaked the video, getting yelled at by Olivia, kissing Olivia. It was all too much. And, as much as she didn't want to admit it, this whole situation was the perfect example of her once again doing without thinking.

"Liv's right," she said out loud to no one, taking another swig from the bottle.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Amanda's head snapped up, wondering who would be at her apartment at 9 o'clock at night. After a few moments, there was another knock.

"Rollins." The blonde heard a deep sigh come from the other side of the door. "I know you're in there. Can you please just let me in?"

It was Olivia.

"Fuck!" Amanda said, standing up, setting the bottle of Jack on the counter, and wiping her tears once again. She considered ignoring her Lieutenant, but she knew that that wouldn't help. Benson would just keep knocking, louder and harder, and the last thing Amanda needed was for Jesse to be woken up.

Amanda opened the door with her head hung, refusing to look up, hoping Olivia wouldn't see her watery eyes.

But, of course, the tear-stained cheeks and swollen eyes were the first thing Olivia noticed. When Amanda didn't say a word and the silence was borderline awkward, Liv cleared her throat, saying "Hi, uh… I just needed to make sure you were okay. You ran out of the precinct so fast and I was worried you were going to-"

"What," Amanda looked up, cutting her off, suddenly defensive, "Do something reckless? Like gamble? Please, I know you don't have much respect for me, but I didn't think it was zero," Amanda bit back, turning and walking back into the apartment. She left the door, knowing Olivia would follow her whether she wanted her to or not. She did, closing and locking it behind her.

Amanda spun around, finally looking Olivia in the eyes, pointing her finger in the brunette's face. "And if you must know, Lieutenant, gambling isn't on my radar anymore. I just got my two year chip. I'm over that phase of my life."

"Whoa, hold on," Olivia said, putting her hands up in surrender, eyes widened in shock. "First of all, no one ever said anything about respect. I have a massive amount of respect for you, Amanda. It's the level of trust I have a problem with."

"Yeah, I know, you made that perfectly clear," Amanda scoffed.

Olivia took a second before she spoke again, quietly. "Also, two years, wow. Congratulations."

"Whatever," Amanda mumbled, walking back into her kitchen.

That's when Olivia noticed the open bottle of whiskey. She sighed, deciding an argument over that wasn't worth it. There have been many a time where she's gone home and downed a bottle or two of wine; she was certainly not one to judge.

Amanda took a breath, gripping the sides of the countertop until her knuckles turned white. She didn't know why she had turned immediately to anger, Benson truly just came to check and make sure she was alright. The embarrassment, frustration, and whiskey all combined, causing her to boil over. Her head was spinning. She tilted her head toward the ceiling, trying to force the tears back in that were on the verge of falling.

Olivia set her purse down on the counter and shrugged off her coat, laying it over a chair. She moved toward the younger woman, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Look, I can tell you've been crying and I don't want to upset you further, but um… can we talk about what happened in my office before you ran out?"

Amanda gulped. "I'd rather not," she choked out.

"Well, that really wasn't a question. We need to discuss why you kissed me."

Amanda sighed. In her first few months at Manhattan SVU, she took every opportunity to admire Olivia Benson. The way she comforted victims, the way her brow furrowed when she was intensely focused, the intensity with which she apprehended a suspect, the little contented moan that escaped her lips at the first sip of a good cup of coffee, the way her hips swayed when she walked. Amanda noticed every little thing about her boss, and with each discovery, the fire in her body and soul burned hotter. Amanda knew she was in love with Olivia, but over the years, she had learned to force her feelings way, way down.

"I uh…" Amanda started. She took a deep breath and turned around, facing the other woman. "I honestly don't know what to say, Liv. I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious. I… kissed you… and it was definitely in the heat of the moment, but it wasn't unintentional or an accident. I… meant to do it."

Olivia didn't know what was going to come out of Amanda Rollins' mouth, but it certainly wasn't that. She was stunned. She had definitely noticed some longing looks from the blonde in the past, but she had always shrugged them off, and didn't really think anything of it.

"I-" Olivia started, but was quickly cut off by the now hysterical blonde.

"But I don't know why I did that because it's definitely crossing a line, not only are we coworkers but you're my boss! And you're mad at me anyway so I don't know why I thought that was the time to kiss you when we were in the middle of an argument. Honestly I wouldn't blame you if you reported me for sexual harrassment, which is pretty fucking ironic considering we work in sex crimes and the whole reason we were arguing was because of you not trusting me and then I broke the biggest barrier of trust possible. Also let's be real, you're obviously straight, I mean since I met you you've only ever had boyfriends so why I thought kissing you was ever a good idea in the first place is beyond me, but my stupid body moved before my brain and-"

"AMANDA," Olivia said loudly, stepping toward the younger woman and grabbing her by the shoulders, breaking her from her frenzy. "Take a damn breath."

Rollins didn't even realize she had started crying again, and she was pacing in the apartment, her arms flailing around like a crazy person. She spoke so fast, it all sounded like one giant run-on sentence.

"Breathe. Let me talk for a second."

Amanda nodded, sniffling and catching her breath.

"One, I was not mad at you, just frustrated with the situation at hand. Two, I'm not going to report you for sexual harrassment. And three… don't assume. You'd be surprised."

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Um… what?"

Olivia grabbed the bottle of Jack from the counter, took a swig, and then handed the bottle to Amanda, gesturing for her to do the same. When she did, Olivia took the bottle and set it back on the counter. She moved closer to the blonde, leaving only a couple of inches between them.

There it was again, the smell of Olivia's perfume, completely encompassing Amanda. The proximity of the older woman mixed with the burn of the whiskey caused a fire to settle low in her belly.

Olivia pushed the rogue strands of hair out of Amanda's face, noticing the sudden nervousness exuding from her. Still in her boots and Amanda in only socks, Olivia was just a bit taller than the blonde, allowing her to look down into the blue eyes, still shining with tears.

Amanda had gone through a whole range of emotions in the past five minutes, but one she did not expect was shock.

But shocked, she was.

Because suddenly, her face was cupped by the older woman's hands, and Olivia was kissing her.

R&R babes!