Hey! Two chapters in one day! How awesome is that?

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For the next few months, I grew colder and colder. Of course Sodapop didn't notice. He was too busy with his flavor of the week.

I've been trying to forget about my feelings for him but it seems the more I try and get comfortable with only being friends, the worse I feel and the meaner I get.

It had been eight months since my birthday. Ponyboy was now fourteen with me, Two-Bit was eighteen, Darry was twenty, Dally and Steve were seventeen, and Johnny and Soda were sixteen but Soda would be turning seventeen soon.

Thinking about Soda's birthday made me remember mine. If I had any sense I would walk out of it halfway through or not even show up at all.

Everyone tells me how Sodapop Curtis can understand anyone better than they can understand themselves. This was the biggest load of crap I'd ever heard.

If he could understand me he'd know I loved him and he could put me out of my misery. But no. Soda will never figure it out and I'm not dumb enough to tell him.

I don't know why I never made any girl-friends. I'm constantly surrounded by boys so I couldn't very well talk to any of them about these things.

Two-Bit knew and I had a strange suspicion Darry did too, but I would be embarrassed to talk to any of them about it. I'm surrounded by people I love and I've never felt more alone.

Tonight there was a big party at Bucks. Darry wouldn't let Pony go so he and Johnny stayed at his house playing cards and watching TV. Steve, Soda, and Two-Bit had already left and I intended to follow them when I thought I could safely get away.

Don't get me wrong, Darrys not my father and he doesn't control me but I knew if I mentioned going to the party he would forbid it so I told him I was going home and went to get ready.

I walked down the hall into my room and began searching for something to wear. There was no way I was going to a party like Bucks wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I wondered into my mom's empty bedroom and began searching through some of her things. The woman was a drunk but she sure knew how to dress.

I finally found a light blue skirt that went down to my mid-thigh and a white long sleeve shirt. I made my way back into my room and rummaged through the drawers until I found what I needed.

I took off my silver locket I had gotten from my birthday and replaced it with a little black collar with a heart hanging from it. I pulled a little white box from my dresser and opened it to get my bracelet Uncle Joseph gave me and the matching earrings.

I put on my blue low tops and went into the bathroom to fix my hair. I plugged in the curling iron and stared at my reflection.

'What am I doing?' I shock my head as I pulled out my moms case of makeup. I didn't use a lot. I was afraid it wouldn't come off or I'd look like a clown. I wasn't really experienced in the ways of makeup but I knew how to make it look good from seeing my mom put it on. After the curling iron was hot enough I curled my hair in big spiral curls and put a white headband on. I put on a very shinny lip gloss and walked into my room to look at myself in the full length mirror.

I stared oddly at my reflection. I looked…It was hard to tell. The little blue skirt showed my legs and the white long-sleeved shirt was a bit tight but that was the way it was supposed to be I guess. This is what I'm supposed to look like.

I turned and walked out of my room, out of my house, out of my shell, out of my mind.

It wasn't too long a walk but I was a bit worried to be walking alone. I never walked alone. Not anywhere. It just wasn't something a person did in this part of town…or any part of this town for that matter.

I was lucky to make it to Bucks without a problem. Hopefully I could catch a ride with Two-Bit or something, though he would probably be too drunk to drive.

I knocked on the door and a tall guy with a flannel shirt opened it.

"Hellooooo! Join the party!" Oh yeah. This guy was wasted. I pushed past him and wandered about the house. The living room was packed so I decided to go into the kitchen and see who was in there. I immediately saw Two-Bit conversing with a group of people I didn't know. Some were boys, some were girls. Two-Bit was so drunk I didn't know if he could guess the difference.

"Joey!" He waved to me as he took a long drink from his beer.

"Hey," I looked around the group of people. The guys were looking me up and down and the girls had their noses up.

'So the outfit was a good idea'…

I reached into the fridge behind a blonde girl making out with the guy who answered the door and grabbed a beer. I'd never drunk before but it really seemed like the time to start.

"I don't believe Darry let you come here…" He paused finally looking at my clothes and hair, "especially looking like that"

He smiled at me. "You look hot" He said stumbling into the pretty blonde beside him. The blonde bit her lip and literally jumped him. There was no way I was watching this so I grabbed another beer, as I had finished the first one, and made my way into the next room.

The room had a pool table in it and it was being put to good use as I saw two people making out on top of it. I laughed a little and made my way back into the kitchen. I hurriedly chugged my beer and got another one. This went on for about an hour before I got tired of standing up. I pulled another beer out of the fridge and went into the living room that was still packed.

I saw an open seat on the couch and took it before someone else did. I had to admit, I had one hell of a buzz.

"Joey," The guy beside me sounded confused. I looked over to him and was surprised to see Dally.

"Oh! Hey Dal!" I couldn't help but slur my words a bit. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Are you drunk Joey?" He looked amused.

"Now why would you say that?" I moved so I was closer to him.

"How many of those have you had?" He nodded toward my half full beer bottle.

"A fair few" I laughed. I don't know why. I really couldn't help it.

"Give me the bottle Joey" He looked bored and amused. I didn't even know that look was possible but it only made me laugh harder.

He reached over me to try and get the bottle and I don't know why but…I kissed him.

I pushed forward and kissed him so hard he fell back flat on the couch with me on top of him.

"Woah! Slow down there, tiger" He looked like he was going to laugh. Oh no. Here comes the depression.

I got off of Dally and leaned back onto the couch.

"Well what do YOU think is wrong with me now?" I crossed my arms and looked at the ceiling.

"What do you mean?" He sat up and looked at me confused. I snorted.

"Whats wrong with me? I've seen the kind of girls you get with and I don't see what's wrong with me. Since when are you picky?" I didn't slur as much as I said this. I was too angry.

"One, you're drunk. Two, I have a feeling I'm not the guy you had in mind." He had me there.

"How would you know?" I really wasn't in the mood for this.

"You can't even talk right!" He looked at me like I'd grown another head.

"I meant how do you know you're not the guy I want?" I did my best to look calm.

He looked to his right and nodded. I followed his eyes to see Sodapop talking to some pretty red-head with a mini-skirt. He was facing our direction but he wasn't looking at us. He was looking at HER. That whore.

I got angry and stood up to go yell at him but with my bad timing, I got up just as a guy was passing and he spilt his beer all over my shirt.

"Ugh!" I let out a frustrated yelp as I almost lost my footing. The guy reached out and held me up so I wouldn't hit the floor.

"Thanks" I said sarcastically and pulled his hands off my shoulder. The guy mumbled a sorry and went on his way.

I looked down at my shirt and sighed. Could this night get any worse?

I remembered the thin, white undershirt I had on and took the long-sleeved one off. The tank top was really thin and showed a bit of my stomach but I didn't care. I was definitely drunk and I looked like any other whore in the place so I just sat back down. I glanced back over to Soda and his eyes met mine for a moment and I could have sworn I saw a look or confusion on his face before he went back to chatting up the redhead.

"Come on." Dally sighed and pulled me off of the couch and out the front door.

I was immediately hit with an icy cold chill as the cold air touched my skin. Dally saw that I was cold and put his brown leather jacket around me. We walked for about ten minutes in silence before Dally spoke.

"Why are you dressed like that anyway?" He nodded toward me.

"I wanted to look like a girl." I couldn't think of anything better to say.

"You ARE a girl" He was confused.

"Not according to Sodapop Curtis." I rolled my eyes "He thinks I'm a guy"

Dally got a knowing expression on his face.

"Look, just because the guy doesn't notice you like that, doesn't mean you should change yourself."

Oh glory! I was getting advice from Dallas Winston.

"You see all the girls he goes out with. Short skirts, nice bodies, makeup…" I looked down at my outfit and tried to decide if I liked it or not.

"Maybe he goes out with those kind of girls because they throw themselves at him." He paused as if he was searching for what to say "With girls like that, you don't have to go through the whole 'Does she like me' process. It makes things easier."

"So I should be easier?" I looked up at him.

"No. You're not like them and you should be proud of that. You're not bad looking and you're a nice girl. Look, if Soda's going to like you, he'll like you. No number like that, no matter how nice you look in it, is going to change that" I didn't want to hear this right now.

"I guess he'll never like me then…" I looked down at my feet as I kicked a rock in front of me.

"Do you think I'm a kid?" I asked after awhile.

"No." He looked in front of him as he walked.

I smiled at him and we kept walking.

"I love him" I don't know why I said that. Maybe it was because I was drunk but I think it was that I just needed someone to talk about it.

"Like real love or crush love?" He seemed to be thinking hard about something.

"Real love" I said it slowly and sadly. "I know Sodapop Curtis enough to know he'll never love me."

Dally looked at me with sympathy. We finally made it to my house and I gave him his jacket back.

"Hang in there kid." He ruffled my hair affectionately and watched me go inside before leaving.

I crawled into my bed and slept until the next afternoon.