Sometimes Anton feels like everyone is waiting for him to turn. To turn Dark. He doesn't really like thinking about it, but on the rare occasions he does, he can understand why. It feels like he was born tainted.
It feels like everything he so much as touches becomes incased in shadow.
Maybe it was just always meant to be that way. People can see it in him, he knows. Others can see it in him. Maybe that's why they are all so sure he'll turn. He may not be the most ambitious man but that doesn't mean he doesn't notice when Light Others politely - politically - keep their distance. Anton's not stupid, he doesn't miss the way Geser watches him either.
It's like being in a cage.
All staring eyes and judgement.
Sometimes it's too much. All the eyes watching him. Hating him. Somehow everything always turns out wrong. Anton used to try. Not anymore, by now he's learned it's useless. No matter how hard he tries he can never get anyone to love him. He can never apologize enough, he can never make it right...it's useless to try but most of the time he ends up trying anyway. His mother always said he was too needy. He knows it's shameful, he doesn't need anyone to tell him.
Anton doesn't mean to pity himself like some depressed soap-opera housewife. It just seems to come out that way. But it's okay because no one but Anton will ever hear his secret shame and fear.
Anton doesn't like thinking about it. The things you want are never the things you get.
It doesn't matter, and he's repeated that to himself so many times it's become a mantra. It doesn't matter that Yegor's mother left him for someone better, handsomer, stronger. It doesn't matter that he never meant - didn't want - to kill the vampire Andrei because no one believes him, he hears their whispers (bloodthirsty). It doesn't matter that his best - only - friend Kostya hates him because he's nightwatch, because he's Anton. It doesn't matter when Olga and Geser and even Zavulon look at him like they know and they're waiting. And it doesn't matter that he lost Yegor, and it's reallyAnton's own fault and he knows it and it kills him.
Anton never meant to ruin Yegor's life, to force him into a decision.
He can see why people are waiting for him to turn. The one thing they don't realize is that it will never happen. Not really. Anton knows this because he knows himself better than they do. Anton knows what he is, even if it is something worse than both Nightwatch and Daywatch together. Something as undesirable as Anton himself because Anton and it are so intertwined they are one.
Night and Day. Light and Dark. Black and White. Anton is grey.