Author's Note: So, it's been what, ten months since the last story I wrote. Oops, time really does fly fast. This one is a bit dense, it has a lot of feelings packed into it, but such was the inspiration and the intent. I would hesitate to call this one 'fluffy'… I tend to write when I have emotional things to work out, so I was really lonely when I started this and so the theme emerged.
Special thanks to my beta, Astarael00, whom I dumped a really rough copy on and she patiently sorted through it, something I appreciate!
The title also came from a John Keats poem, but I've forgotten the name now. I think it has something to do with boats. Enjoy!
"Lovers of Loneliness"
The deep ache of loneliness once again settled into his heart. The first time he had ever felt this way was after his father had died, when the maddening grief began to fade, it was replaced with this ache in his chest. He was alone in the largest clan in Konoha. He saw so many people every day, but the emotional connection was never made. He was a lost boat in the sea of white eyes. He never ceased to wonder at how physical the pain of this feeling was, though it could not be cured by a physical remedy.
To his surprise, he began to find solace in the thing he had hated most, the icon of his bondage, Hyuuga Hinata. Imagine his shock to discover her sitting in the gardens, a single tear streaking down her face because she was lonely! She, of the Main House? She, who had the perfect life, who was the heiress of the most powerful clan in the country? He sat with her, both wallowing in their own loneliness, which was somehow lessened in the presence of each other.
But it never completely went away.
And now it plagued him again, during his meditation at the training grounds. However this time as the emotions washed over him, he felt something new. Despair had now knocked at his door, reminding him of his curse seal, of his gilded cage, and of his self-induced walls to block everyone out. It came like a swift kick to his stomach, leaving him breathless. He had never before been without hope; hope that his strength would solve all of his problems. Instead it had created so many. Never had he felt so much like he was drowning, the threat of being overwhelmed lurked as he tried to recover his breath.
Thoughts of suicide made their way through his mind. He knew he would never actually take his own life, but the idea that the pain would stop so effortlessly was appealing. Despair is an ugly thing.
Neji clenched his fists, struggling to control his emotions and start being rational again. He was so absorbed in his internal battle that for the first time in his life, he failed to sense someone coming up behind him.
Tenten had been having a rough day. It had been one of those days when nothing seemed to go right. Determined to make some good of the day, she grabbed her kunai and headed up to the training grounds for some extra target practice to calm her down. The fluid movement of throwing soothed her, made her focus. As she approached the training grounds, she found Neji meditating. At first everything seemed normal, but when he didn't acknowledge her presence, she looked at him closer. His face was frowning, the lines in his forehead bunched together in a way she had never seen before. His fists were clenched until his knuckles where white and when she moved in front of him, he didn't react. She reached down and touched his shoulder.
The kunai that suddenly appeared in his fist seemed to come out of nowhere, making its way to her chest with a flash of metal. She blocked it easily, with a stern "Neji, snap out of it." He opened his eyes and returned the knife to his pocket. Before his eyes lowered to complete the task, Tenten saw the storm of emotions in his eyes.
"What's troubling you?" she asked, concerned. She had never seen Neji act this way in all the years she had known him.
"It's foolish." he replied, his voice curt and almost flippant, to cover the importance of the feeling his words tried to dismiss.
"That's foolish. Just because you never talk about emotions doesn't mean it's not important to do so every once in a while. It's not a weakness, emotions help make you stronger." Tenten half smiled as she thought back to Neji's fight with Naruto during the Chuunin exams. Both opponents were full of emotion and both grew stronger because of it.
"Too many emotions inhibit you from doing anything. They freeze you." Neji stood up as if to prove that he didn't feel anything.
"Emotions give meaning to life. Though, emotions should be allowed only in moderation to prevent something like that from happening. What's bothering you?" Tenten placed a hand on Neji's shoulder. He stiffened at the contact; then realizing this was what he had been craving, relaxed. With painstaking effort, he began to lower his thick walls around himself.
"Loneliness."
Tenten inhaled sharply. This was not what she had been expecting, and yet it made sense. Neji had never loved his family, and the Hyuuga clan never displayed affection in any physical manner, if they ever displayed it at all. She didn't really know Hyuuga Hanabi, but she knew Hinata and how lonely she got. Come to think of it, Tenten wouldn't be surprised if the entire family was lonely. She never understood how people could live like that, never connecting with anyone, even their own family.
"Well, I know something that can fix that." Tenten smiled, standing over Neji confidently.
Neji raised an eyebrow.
"Ramen. Ramen can fix loneliness. Why do you think Naruto eats it so often?" Tenten held out her hand to pull Neji up from his position on the ground.
Tenten and Neji walked to the ramen shop, sitting at the counter where Naruto spent so much of his time. They came here every once in a while together, after a long day of training. Sometimes Lee came with them, but he often stayed to do extra training with Gai-sensei. Even though much of the time passed in silence, it was never uncomfortable. They simply enjoyed being in each other's presence.
When they did speak, Tenten did the majority of the talking. She would discuss everything from weapons (her favorite!) to stealth tactics to the small group dynamics of the other teams. She would explore all of the different opinions about each topic and evaluate them for their validity. Neji would nod or shake his head and occasionally add a sentence or two, but for the most part he listened.
Neji was a listener. He liked going to restaurants, sitting there sipping a cup of tea, and listening to the conversations all around him, between other customers, the staff or even the people outside. Whenever he went to meetings, he sat silent as the other shinobi argued, observing and understanding each argument and who made it, before adding in his opinion at the very end. Neji said few words, but when he did, they were always the most educated and well thought out. He learned the importance of this from his father, who taught him from a very young age that the words from someone who spoke little were held with more authority than the words from the mouth of someone who chattered incessantly. Many people thought Neji's silence was arrogant pride, but they soon learned otherwise. When Neji spoke, people listened.
For the first time in his life, Neji did most of the talking. As he and Tenten ate their ramen, he talked about his family, his emotions, and his feeling of emptiness, something he had never done before. Tenten listened and was blown away by the intensity of his feelings, something she had suspected but never actually thought existed. She felt touched he had opened up to her, but not overly surprised. He had a hard time talking to his family and she was someone he trusted with his life. Even with Hinata there was always the subconscious knowledge that as a member of the Main house she could kill him with a few finger movements. Tenten was his team member and more importantly, his partner and his equal; she understood how he worked and so opening up to her was a natural progression of their friendship. He needed to come out of his dark room some time.
Tenten sat in silence after her teammate had run out of words, processing all she had heard. "Thank you," she said simply but fully meaning the words, "You never need to be alone." She smiled as they made eye contact and she saw a grateful glint in Neji's normally guarded eyes.
She reached over and took his hand in hers, giving it a squeeze before letting it go. She reached for her pocket to pay for her ramen when she was stopped by Neji's hand. He held onto her hand as he reached with his vacant hand to place a large bill on the table, enough to cover both of their ramen. Interlocking his fingers with hers, Neji lead Tenten out of the ramen stand to walk down the road back to their training site. Tenten followed along in shock; was the Hyuuga Neji not only holding her hand but also doing so in public? A slow, giddy grin spread like a sunrise across her face and Neji smirked when he saw it. Clearly it would be a long time before either of them felt lonely again.
Yamanka Ino was on her way to her family's flower shop to start her shift when she was stopped in her tracks by the sight in front of her. Hyuuga Neji bent over to whisper something in the ear of a woman who looked suspiciously like his teammate Tenten, whose hand he was clasping like it was a lifeline. In turn the woman – yes that must be Tenten! – laughed and rolled her eyes as they turned to go to the perimeter of the city, where the practice grounds were. Ino had to remember to close her mouth – it had opened in shock – and she ran the rest of the way to the flower shop to call her best friend Haruno Sakura to tell her the amazing news.
"Sakura! You would never believe what I just saw – "