TESTIFY!

Well, I now interrupt your normal scheduled story update for something completely different. It's a side chapter. A straight up, low blowed, crack shapter dedicated to nothing but craziness and random allusions. This is my first side chapter of many you'll be experiencing along this crazy train of a story. Please enjoy.

I don't own anything except Reiko. This goes doubly so for this chapter.

Reiko awoke in the morning and slowly opened his eyes. Instead of the usual demons he saw impaling him, he saw fish flying around through his room, and either Ted Nugent or Jesus was conducting an invisible orchestra in the corner. He could never tell those two apart.

"It's gonna be one of those days." Reiko said with a sigh as he rolled out of bed and walked his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

The problem in the bathroom started when the toilet sank into a laughing chasm of happiness and he had to journey through a realm where chickens ruled, and humans were mere tools that were connected to large cables and had to drink gasoline to run.

In the real world, Reiko's mother screamed when she saw him peeing in the sink and muttering about fumes.

Reiko continued out of his house after putting on his clothes, which was a feat by any standard, and headed towards the normal meeting place on the bridge. Training would be hard today. The actual bridge itself seemed to be intact, and everything actually looked pretty normal, but Reiko knew from experience that this was just the calm before the storm.

"Hey Reiko, you don't look so good. Are you okay?" Sakura asked concernedly as she cocked her head sideways to get a better look at him.

"Yep, mostly." Reiko said, glad that the hallucinations had abated for the moment "I'm just having an off day."

"You've never had an off day before. Is something wrong?" Sakura asked, her voice filled with that genuine compassion that made her different. It was also kind of strange because as far as he knew, Reiko hadn't suddenly become Sasuke.

"Yeah." Reiko said scratching the back of his head "A bad day for me mostly consists of things getting weird, followed by me wiggin' out in the end."

"WOOHOO! BOOBS!" Naruto yelled as he jumpedout of the river and onto the bridgeand ripped off his shirt, revealing him to be wearing a bra to hold in his newly grown breasts.

Reiko blinked several times and stared in both wonderment and disgust. It was at that exact time that a black and white spider monkey wearing an Elvis jacket crawled out of Naruto's cleavage and waved a green card in his face.

"Hey man, tell your little tit-monkey I know he's legit." Reiko said, stepping back and pointing threateningly at Naruto, who stood with his eyes wide in pure shock.

"HEY!" Kakashi said, sliding himself into the picture and wearing a weird maroon suit with his shirt tucked half in and half out. He still wore his mask, but his visible skin was extremely tan "I just got back from a nice suntan session with butter instead of suntan lotion. A guy in an alley sold it to me for an unbelievably cheap price."

"You can't do that! That show's copyrighted!" Reiko yelled, pointing an incriminating finger at Kakashi "You'll get sued and then you'll have to sleep on the streets with old men who wear diapers and eye patches!"

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I just had to stop and get something to eat." Sasuke said as he walked up with a bucket of chicken. He looked the same, except he now seemed to weigh about seven hundred pounds, and it all moved when he gasped for breath between bites of chicken.

"Lay off the chicken you useless fatass! You'll never get anywhere in life like that!" Reiko yelled, now turning his finger in Sasuke's direction…or at least the half of the bridge that he occupied.

"Hey fatty, would you care for a wafer thin meat?" The green card monkey asked, jumping up on Sasuke's chest and waving the sliver of meat in front of him.

"I would love a wafer thin meat little green card monkey!" Sasuke exclaimed, as he reached out his tongue to get the meat into his mouth.

"Well that's too damn bad!" The monkey yelled, snatching the meet out from in front of him and slid down his large girth, dragging the green card behind him and splitting Sasuke completely down the middle.

The fat tub of lard that was Sasuke fell to the ground with the front of his body gashed open and kept on eating his chicken out of a bucket. Reiko was about to panic when suddenly, Ozzy Osbourne stepped out of Sasuke's gut wearing a black suit as usual.

"Hey man, you're freakin Ozzy!" Reiko yelled, glad that SOMETHING had gone right today. "You totally rock dude!"

"BOOBS!" Ozzy yelled as he suddenly opened up his coat and revealed his newly acquired breasts that rivaled in size with Naruto's.

"I need to leave." Reiko said as he simply walked away as fast as he knew he could safely power walk, even though the tiles under him lit up as he went on his way.

In reality, the remaining members of team seven stood around with their eyes wide in shock. Reiko had just plain gone too far now. They were seriously debating on killing him. It would have at least put him out of his misery.

"I KNOW he did not just call me a fatass... I say we kill him." Sasuke said emotionlessly as he crossed his arms and closed his eyes, going into one of his 'I don't give a damn' modes.

"We can't just kill him, he's our friend!" Naruto protested instantly "Besides, he could probably kick your ass Sasuke-teme!"

"All of you be quiet." Kakashi said suddenly, taking command like he had never done before. Desperate times called fordesperate measures"We're going to ignore this incident and go about our lives."

The four of them continued on to their mission that day in complete silence. Had a single person talked, the uncomfortable subject of Reiko would have come up, and that's the last thing they needed.

>>>>>

Reiko walked through the woods in search of Zabuza and Haku. Or at least Haku…she always made everything better. There's no reason that wouldn't work now. All he had to do was get past these accursed trees.

"Hey there little boy." A tree said, suddenly leaning down and whispering in his ear "I'm the Fonz! I just want you to know that your fly's undone."

"Holy crap! Thanks Fonzie!" Reiko said, zipping up his fly with a smile. The only problem was, his fly leapt off of his pants and opened a gigantic portal in space as he continued to zip it up.

Out of the portal stepped Haku, her radiant beauty fighting off all of the hallucinations that plagued Reiko's vision. She looked extremely worried for him because he collapsed in front of her and hugged her around the legs.

"Haku chan! You have to help me!" Reiko cried into her feet, grateful that she had showed up "Naruto had boobs and Kakashi was Kramer from Seinfeld and I told him to stop cause it was copyrighted but he didn't listen and there was a monkey with a green card that used a joke from monty python to trick an extremely obese Sasuke into letting him slit his stomach open and then Ozzy came out of him and he had boobs too but that's normal because he's a crackhead…"

"We need to get you to Zabuza sama right away!" Haku said, trusting that theolder shinobimight have a solution to this problem.

The rest of the trek through the woods went uneventfully, thanks to Reiko hugging as close to Haku as possible so as to keep himself in the 'no hallucination' field that constantly surrounded her. Zabuza was sitting with his feet propped up against a log like he always was…comfortable bastard.

Reiko thought he was safe and stepped out of the field of sanity but he suddenly was assaulted by the fact that Zabuza had become Clint Eastwood, and was staring him down dangerously. His only defense was to cower behind Haku, who was still a little leery about the entire situation.

"So, what's ailin ya…punk?" Zabuza asked with a new raspy quality to his voice "I don't got all day, so make this quick…"

"Zabuza sama, Reiko kun is having problems with his blood limit." Haku explained calmly "His visions are going out of control."

"Well my solution to everything is violence, so lets get after it." Zabuza said as he sighed and picked up an old western style rifle that he had…because he was Clint Eastwood.

"You'll never get me Clint!" Reiko yelled, jumping out from behind Haku and running off in whatever direction he could, which was just about anywhere because he was hallucinating and suddenly trees had become staircases. It's a good thing he was a ninja, otherwise, those 'staircases' would have been very unforgiving.

Reiko charged through the woods so as not to be shot to death like a lame horse by Clint Eastwood. He would have made some progress if he hadn't suddenly run into Ashton Kutcher, who started laughing like he was high.

"Hey man, you just got punked!" The idiotic man who acted like a high teenager and didn't seem to want to grow up and face things like reality and responsibility said stupidly.

"Suck on this you wasteoid bastard!" Reiko yelled, grabbing one of his senbon and plunging it into his neck with childish glee.

He would have laughed evilly over the corpse, but he didn't have time. Without any warning, his body suddenly crumpled to the ground. As his vision went black, he could hear an animal roar around him, but didn't really know where it was coming from.

>>>>>

Reiko woke up later to find himself staring strait into Zabuza's piercing eyes, which was scary as hell if I do say so. The young assassin in training wasted no time in screaming like a girl and cowering away from the elder shinobi's imposing figure.

"Stop that nonsense this instant!" Zabuza yelled at him, not making the situation any better "Is this the kindness I get for saving your sorry ass!"

"I had Ashton Kutcher nailed you dried up old psycho! You didn't do jack shit!" Reiko yelled back at him as he curled up into a little ball and rocked back and forth gently.

"Reiko kun, that wasn't Ashton Kutcher. That was a bear, and you made him angry when you poked him with a stick." Haku said, bending down and hugging him gently "Is everything back to normal now though?"

"I think so…" Reiko said, checking to make sure weird things weren't happening. It took a pteradactyl swooping out of the sky and biting Zabuza in half for him to finally accept that everything was okay though. "Yep, I'm ship-shape now."

"That's good." Haku said as she tenderly stroked his hair in a very motherly fashion "I just have one question to ask you though."

"What would that be?" Reiko said with a smile, closing his eyes and letting Haku's warm body comfort him.

"Why aren't you up and moving you silly sailor?" Yelled the voice of Richard Simmons instead of Haku, causing Reiko to scream bloody murder.