Chapter 10: Just Maybe

Sean

She looks gorgeous. She's sitting there across from me at a table in the restaurant and I

can't stop staring at her long enough to eat anything. I thought back to the moment when she walked out of the bedroom. I had been groaning at how long she was taking, but, damn, was it worth it. The minute she walked through the door, my heart had crawled up my throat.

"Is your soup good?" Ellie looked up from her salad and gave me a heartwarming smile. The bronze color of her dress set off her hair perfectly.

"It's great," I put a spoonful in my mouth and grinned. "Mmm."

"I'm glad. My birthday is finally here!" She raised her water glass and her eyes sparkled.

I clinked my water class against her and then took a sip. She was looking so good lately. Her face didn't look so emaciated. I could tell she had gained a few pounds. Thank God. She was really starting to worry me there. Sometimes I would have nightmares that she'd give birth prematurely or miscarry or something would go seriously wrong. But lately she's been taking care of herself. We've been cooking meals together (or trying to) and grocery shopping together. I've started painting the baby's room. Jay's been helping me get the paint on the walls and Ellie has been busy picking out sheets, curtains, changing tables, everything you can think of basically... It's actually been really fun getting ready for this baby.

But if it was all fun it'd be totally unrealistic. Believe me, there's been enough stress. I half to walk on my toes a lot or else Ellie gets all stressed out about dumb stuff. And the money issue isn't fun at all. I hate having to get money from her parents all the time, but Ellie keeps reassuring me that that's what they're there for. Still, I'd love to be able to provide for Ellie on my own.

"May I interest you in dessert?" I turned my attention to the waiter at my side and I snuck a glance at Ellie.

"No, we're fine. Thank you!" Ellie smiled sweetly and wiped at her mouth with her napkin.

"Don't listen to her. We'll have two orders of creme brulee. It's her favorite," I grinned widely at Ellie.

Ellie rolled her eyes and placed her hands over mine. "You're so sweet. So, what's after dinner?"

"I thought we could go back home and get changed and then I have to go to Jimmy's and get something from him."

"Oh!" Ellie winked at me and ran her fingers down the vase of roses on the table. "Thanks so much for tonight. The dinner was amazing, and I'm sure the rest will be amazing, too."

"You're amazing."

I sounded so cheesy. But I guess I'm growing up. When you're living with your girlfriend and have a baby on the way, you have to grow up. Still, it's hard to think that just last year I was stealing anything I could get my hands on, hooking up with random girls, and almost failing school. Now I'm taking care of my girlfriend, doing chores around the house, learning to cook, and getting good grades in school. Everyone's noticing the change in my attitude and work, and I don't ever want to lose this feeling. It's like everyone is proud of me. I don't think anybody has ever been proud of me before.

Ellie

"Sean, you didn't have to." I looked at the gift bag in front of me. The bag was wrinkled

and the bow wrapped around the handles was drooping, but it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. Just the thought of Sean gift wrapping a present makes me want to laugh.

Sean leaned forward on the table and rusted the bag. "Well, I wanted to. Open it!"

"Okay, okay!" I laughed and untied the bow on the bag. "This better be good," I warned jokingly.

"I hope you like it," Sean's eyes flashed with worry and I smiled at him reassuringly.

"Of course I will."

I pulled out a wrapped gift that was rectangular shaped. "Hmm, what could this be?" I shook the gift and listened to it and kept guessing things.

Sean threw his hands up in frustration. "Just open it!" he urged.

"Sean!" I gasped and I gripped the book that I held in my hands. He was amazing, seriously amazing. The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass stared back up at me. I can't believe he remembered...

"I know it's one of your favorites, and I know you were upset that your mom gave it away. It's not an antique or anything, but it has the same words."

I thumbed through the book quickly and felt a huge smile slide across my face. Now this is what I wanted. I didn't want Sean getting ideas from Jimmy or Spinner or Craig... I wanted him to get me something that he thought up. And he thought up the most perfect gift.

"There's more. Look inside the bag."

I raised an eyebrow and reached my hands inside the bag. "Sean..." I breathed softly as I placed the ornate music box in front of me. It was perfect. I ran a hand along the designs. "It's so beautiful."

"I didn't know whether or not this was your style, but as soon as I opened it, I knew you'd love it."

I lifted the lid slowly and leaned back when I heard the opening chords of Canon In D. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers across the tablecloth, pretending that I was playing the actual keys on a piano. I opened my eyes and watched the little figures inside dance.

"I love it, Sean. It's the best. I can't wait to put it on my night stand. Maybe we can even put it in the baby's room?"

Sean nodded and reached across for my hands. "I'm glad you like it." He pulled my hands to his lips and kissed them lightly. I could feel a slight pink come across my cheeks. It's times like these that I start to believe that maybe we'll be okay. Maybe we'll make it and our lives will be perfect. At this point, it's not too hard to believe.

"Come here," I whispered to Sean, pulling him in for a deep kiss. We were standing outside Jimmy's apartment door, and I couldn't help myself anymore. Sean had just treated me to an amazing date, and it's not even over yet.

"Mmm," Sean murmured against my mouth and placed his hands on my hips, pulling me closer.

My little bulge bumped into his tight stomach, and we laughed. I actually laughed... about having a freaking bulge in my stomach. Things are really starting to change. I don't know what it is. Of course, I still feel very self-conscious about the weight I'm gaining. I feel like I have a bowling ball in my stomach. Sean keeps telling me I'm still tiny, but sometimes I don't know what to believe. The mirror or Sean?

I've been fighting to not throw up. That sounds so bad, considering I'm pregnant, and I really care about this baby. But sometimes the urge is just too much for me to handle. I hate how weak I am. If Sean ever found out, I think he would leave me. There's no doubt in my mind. But how am I supposed to stop something I've been doing for so long? It's a way of life for me. But I can't do it anymore while I'm pregnant. I have to hold off.

I had an appointment with Doctor Martin. A secret appointment that I didn't tell Sean about. I know, so bad of me. But I was nervous. I wasn't feeling so well. I'm talking serious crampage. And I didn't want Sean getting all upset over it. I love that he worries about me, but I'm not completely helpless and sometimes he makes me feel like I am. I know what I'm doing. It's good for me, just not the best for the baby.

Dr. Martin couldn't have said it plainer. He said I'm putting my baby at serious risk, but he's acting like I have a serious problem. I watch my weight and that's it. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just like any other girl. But he says the stress of gaining weight might take its toll on me. I think it already has. There are some times when just the thought of gaining another pound makes me burst into tears. Of course, Sean doesn't see this. I'm good at hiding my real emotions.

But the thought of me really hurting my baby because of my diet? That's scary. But Dr. Martin said I could go into premature labor or my baby could even die. That's why I'm trying to take good care of myself now. But it's so hard. I can't even quite explain how hard it is. But why am I thinking about this while Sean is kissing me? I should be concentrating on this hot guy who loves me for who I am. Even if I don't.

Ashley

"Surprise!" I laughed with Hazel as everyone screamed when Sean and Ellie walked in

through the door. Ellie stumbled back a little bit and Sean caught hold of her arms to steady her. She looked better. Honestly, I was getting scared there. She wasn't gaining enough weight, she was moody all the time, and I felt like my best friend was being taken away from me. But now, she seems better. Really.

I walked forward and enveloped her in a hug. "Happy birthday, Ellie!" After releasing her I put a hand to her little pudge on her stomach. "You're baby says happy birthday, too."

Ellie smiled sincerely at me and looked around the room. I have to admit, we had done a good job. Streamers hung from the ceiling, there were platters of cheese and crackers and carrot sticks and pickles and... every food you can imagine!... the fridge was stocked with alcohol and juice... and the music was pumping.

"Thanks guy!" she smiled at everyone, but I noticed it wasn't as sincere as her smile before. Was something wrong? Did her and Sean get in a fight? I'd have to make sure and ask her later. It's my duty as Ellie's best friend to make sure nothing is bothering her. I want her and this baby to be fully healthy by the time she delivers it.

Marco

I sat down on the couch next to Ellie and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She was too busy rolling her bottle of juice around in her hands to even notice me. I tickled her ear and bumped my head against hers. "Ellie?"

Her head shot up and she put a hand to her chest. "God, Marco. You scared me."

"I've been sitting here..."

"I've been thinking. I must not have noticed."

"What are you thinking about?"

She shrugged and put a hand to her little bulge. "Just... stuff."

"Ellie, are you eating?"

"What?"

"Answer me. Truthfully."

Ellie stared at me with big eyes and then sighed, her shoulders relaxing. "Yes. I have. Honest."

I believe her. I can tell when she lies to me and when she tells me the truth and she's definitely telling me the truth right now. I let out a relieved sigh and hugged her closer to me. "Good," I murmured into her hair. "You need to."

Her mouth tensed up and she got these little lines around her lips. "I'm fine, Marco. You don't have to worry about me all the time."

"You're not fine. You're pregnant. So don't play that card with me."

She gave me a weird look and rolled her eyes before starting to stand up.

"Where are you going?"

"To the bathroom."

I followed her with my eyes as she entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her. What was she doing in there?

Ellie

I leaned against the bathroom door and closed my eyes. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You're okay. You don' t have to. I stared at the toilet and shook my head furiously. No, I'm not going to do it. I'm not hurting my baby. I could feel the tears starting to spill out. Why was I falling apart like this? I was fine just a few hours ago. Why, all of a sudden, am I feel so out of control?

I let out a slow, shaky breath and pushed myself away from the door. Why am I doing this? I was fine before. A knock sounded on the door and I jumped. "Yeah?"

"Ellie? Are you okay in there?" Sean's concerned voice called out.

"Yeah, I'm coming out." I opened the door and stepped back with a smile on my face. Sean peeped his head in and looked around. Satisfied, he closed the door behind him and pulled me in for another make-out session. My hands found their way up to the back of his head and I pulled him closer. There's just something about him that makes me go completely insane.

A few minutes later, a knock on the door pulled us apart. "Yeah?" we both asked in union. We laughed and Sean opened the door to reveal Paige tapping her foot.

"It's about time, you two. I thought I was going to have to go outside!" She pushed her way past us and shooed us out the door. A second later she popped her head back out the door. "You two didn't have, like, sex in here just now, did you?"

I rolled my eyes and left Sean to answer her.

What I need to do is to stop worrying about food and weight and everything else I worry about lately. I need to just focus on the baby and Sean. They should be my main focus from now on. So that's it... no more throwing up. No more counting calories and carbs and fat grams relentlessly. I'm going to get rid of my secret notebook. I can't risk anyone ever finding it and seeing just how obsessed I am. I'll have to burn it the first chance I get.

And then I can go on with my life. I won't ever worry about myself ever again. I'll be the best mommy and girlfriend anyone could ever be and Sean and I will live happily ever after with our child. I'll help Marco find a guy worth his time, I'll make sure Craig never hurts Ashley, I'll give Alex someone to talk to whenever her mom brings over the new boyfriend... This plan doesn't sound too bad, actually. I just have to keep busy enough to keep my mind off of certain things.

Maybe I won't burn the notebook, though. You never know. I could use it someday to write a memoir. Because everyone is just lining up to hear about my life. That's crazy. I'd never write a book telling everyone about my life. So, I don't need the notebook.

But I still won't burn it.

not too thrilled with this chapter, but what can you do? sorry for the late update and i hopefully i'll be able to update sooner next chapter. So I need your opinion- Ellie's going to be confessing something (hmm... i wonder waht...) to somebody and it's going to be tough. Who do you want to see her confess it to? Whoever you want most, I'll write. But please, no weird suggestions like terri or toby or something since ellie has never talked to them. Thanks:)