Do my updates take a long time because I'm busy? Yes… A lot of my spare time goes into drawing… you can check out my DeviantArt site from my profile page.
Evanescence lyrics subtly hidden at the end of chapter 4? Not consciously… I find it funny how many FF writers like Evanescence. Heh, angst lovers.
Were Robin and Starfire dating? Er… not necessarily, they never officially SAID they were, but it doesn't actually matter. She still thought of him as 'her boy' and was still very possessive, and he acted that way around her… (like in the series - she did ask if she was not his girlfriend… he never quite said 'yes' but it was close enough).
Oh yes, for Gamecube I recommend Tales of Symphonia – it has Scott Menville (Robin's voice actor) as the voice of the main character, Lloyd, and Tara Strong (Raven's voice actor) as another team member, Presea. Heheh, Robin voice…
Shards of Distortion
Chapter Seven: Freedom
Raven stood in front of the bathroom mirror, removing her makeup. It had smudged with tears…
She walked into the cold shower, expecting to feel more awake, but realized she was already wide-awake. She'd slept well. She wished she hadn't. She didn't deserve to sleep so well…
Why did she keep the water so cold? She thought about it again. She knew she was punishing herself, the question was why. 'Do I like it? No. Do I like being pitied? No. So why can't I stop…?'
After she'd finished, she walked out of the freezing shower, shivering. She watched her skin go even paler, an amused expression fixed on her face. Her shivering subsided, and she began to dry her indigo hair.
She stared at the red fabric that lay on the counter… the outfit she'd chosen for today. As she slipped it on, she remembered trying it on in the large, swanky change room of Zinnia's. She then remembered she had, of course, been with Starfire when she had bought it. It was then that she realized she had subconsciously chosen to wear the outfit today out of guilt.
"Oh, Raven! You look glorious!" Starfire had exclaimed. "I cannot believe you… are you!" Raven had rolled her eyes, but Star hadn't taken any notice. "Please, Raven! Please do the purchasing of the garment! It is simply splendid!"
'I cannot believe I bought this,' she thought to herself. It was a dress. Backless. And scarlet.
'Dresses… are normal. Even if rather short. There is nothing that isn't normal about wearing a dress. It's not like it was expensive or fancy or anything,' she reassured herself as she applied her eyeliner. 'And, so, it just happens to be a halter-style dress. I was not trying to impress anyone. Really. It just happened like that…'
She was a little stumped, though, as to why she had chosen the red one. She remembered it had come in blue and black as well. 'I still like black. It… didn't look good? And I like blue. It's my favourite colour. I… wear too much of it? I needed a change…?'
She couldn't convince herself, and her feeble attempts ran short. She knew she'd chosen the dress to impress. Red was his favourite colour. At least it seemed to be. She turned in the mirror, tying up the back of her dress. She remembered having thought the ends of the large bow she'd tied that dangled and skimmed her bare back would have been annoying, but hadn't cared. She still didn't. It would be worth it, she'd thought. She had been gorgeous.
Well… She remembered thinking she would be gorgeous in the dress after losing more weight.
Was she gorgeous now? She stared at her reflection long and hard. No. But what did he think? A cold smirk swept across her face as she remembered Robin's reaction to her appearance about three weeks ago. Cool indifference. Then just last night… several pounds lighter… "Stop teasing," he'd said after she had dressed up. Did he like her better this way? It seemed he'd only taken an interest in her recently.
He had liked how Star looked. That was obvious. He'd liked her appearance even if he hadn't been "in love" with her. Star was very pretty… and very thin. Raven stared closer at her figure. She still wasn't svelte and lithe like Starfire. She looked emaciated and cadaverous. But, then again, maybe she just looked that way because all happiness had evaporated from her soul.
He likes me now. So why can't I be happy?Great, she was going to cry. She sat on the edge of the bathtub, drew her knees inwards towards her chest and let the tears come.
Her tears were cold, as was her entire body. She was shaking again as she had after her shower. It was pathetic, but she couldn't help herself. Even though she had everything she had ever hoped for, she felt hollow and alone again.
A long time passed - maybe an hour, maybe twenty minutes… maybe four hours. Raven didn't know. Time seemed to have frozen again as she slowly drowned herself. She was dying and time wasn't waiting for her to catch up. Each tear drained a little piece of her soul.
A knock at the door harshly brought her back to reality. "Raven?" She suddenly felt sick as she recognised the voice. She hastily wiped the tears from her face and tried to stop crying. She still shook, though, and the occasional sob escaped. Control. Take control of your emotions, she reminded herself, though found it near impossible. "Raven?" the voice came a little louder.
"Yeah?" she said, trying not to let her voice waver. She stood up and walked over to the sink, splashing water in her face.
"You alright in there?"
She stared briefly at her ghostly reflection, dripping with tears and tap water. She took a breath; she was gasping for air like a drowning child. "What are you doing out of bed, Robin?" Her voice seemed foreign to her. It was cold but so fragile…
"I, uh, kind of wanted to use the bathroom, but…"
A tinge of colour spread to her pale cheeks. How long had he been waiting? Had he heard her crying? How long had he waited, listening, before knocking on the door…?
"Sorry," she mumbled automatically. "I'll be right out. Just… drying my hair…" Drying her eyes, more like. She tore her gaze from her cruel reflection and stared intently at the cold tiles beneath her boots.
There was a short silence, and she wondered if he'd gone away yet. Nope. "Why are you sad, Raven?"
She jumped on the inside. "What?"
"Why are you sad?"
She shut her eyes tightly, trying to compose an answer in her mind. The only thing that came to mind was his face. How he looked right now, asking her this question. She had memorised his face. His expressions, his reactions, his emotions. It frightened her, too.
'Why are you sad?' His voice was so innocent… so pure and uncorrupted. At least that's what he was aiming for most of the time when he used it, but Raven figured this time it wasn't used purposely. His mind wasn't calculating or plotting or creating a master plan. He wasn't thinking about reactions, and hadn't already figured out what she would say back. Not now, when he was sick. "What gave you that idea?"
A short pause. "I can feel it."
Her eyelids fluttered open. She frowned. He wasn't thinking straight. He was delusional. He… spoke the truth. He now spoke what he was feeling, rather than what he thought would be best to say; what would get him the most answers, what would get him what he wanted. No, this was vulnerable, sweet, kind Robin. Sick, adorable, caring Robin. She hated herself for thinking it, but she almost liked it when he was sick. Sadist. "What do you mean?"
"There's something wrong. I know it. Raven… I want more than anything in the world to help you. I want to make you happy, Raven… Please…"
He was pleading with her. She felt her stomach twist. "N-no…" she choked. "Robin, stay away from me!" she cried hysterically. "Please… stay away…"
"I… If that's what you want," he said, dejectedly.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry." She opened the door just wide enough to see his face, and he could likewise see hers. They both looked pretty awful.
"Robin… you can make me happy," she said quietly.
"How? …By leaving you alone?"
Raven winced slightly. "No, no, no… Robin, you make me happy. And that's why I can't let you near me."
Robin stared at her, waiting for her to continue. She didn't. "Enough guessing games. Please, Raven. Tell me why. If you feel the same way I do… why not?"
Raven looked at him with her piercing violet eyes, still not answering.
"Raven. Look at me. I need you. I'm lost, I'm dying without you. You need someone in this world… why not someone who loves you more than life? Why won't you let yourself be happy for once? Stop punishing yourself for no reason. Are you afraid that something bad will happen if you feel love? To be honest, Rae, things can't get any worse than when you're sad."
"You… called me 'Rae'," she stated. "You never use nicknames."
"Neither do you. Are you afraid that you'll end up hurt? That I'll end up hurt? Are you afraid that this will hurt our relationship? If it fails, that you'll be alone again? Because I promise you, we will be friends. Forever. You will never be alone."
Raven noted how he leaned against the wall for support. His face was deathly pale. He was trembling slightly, shivering, in a cold sweat. Her powers, she had done this to him. "I'm dangerous," she said in a hushed voice. "You don't want to love me."
"I do… Raven, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. You're brave, strong, and powerful. You're composed and have great self-control. On the inside, you're caring and have a pure heart. You're never afraid to speak your mind, and you're one of the smartest people I know. You're clever and have a sharp wit – you're fun to be with. And… you're gorgeous."
Raven opened her mouth to protest or inquire, but Robin continued.
"Even now. You're still pretty. But before you started your self-destruction… You were so attractive, so sexy. And I'm truly sorry that it took something so terrible to open my eyes and realize just how much I loved you… You know, it's like that saying. 'You don't know what you have till it's gone?' 'It', though, isn't gone. I know that you will find a way out of your broken world. I just… hope I can be the one to help you," he finished softly.
She stared at him for a brief moment before shutting the door in his face.
She was crying again, and her powers weren't working. She desperately tried to phase through the wall but couldn't. She was shuddering and shaking uncontrollably, gasping for air. She was vulnerable, exposed, a pathetic wreck.
The things he had said… they'd unleashed a torrent of emotion. He'd told her he loved her before. He'd said he needed her, that she needed him too. He'd already tried to convince her that loneliness was worse than anything her powers could do… But this time, it was painful to hear. The way he spoke, the desperation, the look on his face.
She hated him for his persistence. She hated him; he had made her like this. He had exposed her as the weak person she was. He had created this awful sadness, and he still tempted her with things she could never have. She hated the responsibility he'd placed on her shoulders, as he carried the burden of her illness, dying. Stupid boy…
He had answered any logical explanation as to why she might be feeling sad… but her emotions were not logical. She wanted him, needed him… but couldn't allow herself to. He couldn't cure her, couldn't save her. He would only end up hurt in the end.
Starfire walked silently down the street, cautiously avoiding Beast Boy and Cyborg. She'd seen them looking for her, calling her name, and though she'd felt happy that they'd come to look for her, she didn't want to be seen. She was carefully making her way back to the Tower. She wasn't the sort who calmed herself by being alone. She needed to talk things out and confront issues head-on. She needed to get past this anger, it was weighing her down.
The sun was up and the sky was a pale blue again. Raven would find the sun was too harsh and glaring, and the sky was devoid of warmth, unlike the lush, rich colours found in the night sky. Star, though, found it welcoming after spending hours wandering the streets dependent on the artificial orange glow of street lamps. She and Raven were polar opposites, night and day. Raven was mysterious and dark; Star was bubbly and bright. Even their powers showed it - Raven controlled shadows and Starfire used beams of light. Raven had to suppress her emotions, while Star depended on hers. Robin was a day bird.
Star sighed softly, realizing just how big the city really was. It was overwhelming. She felt so small now, having lost her ability to fly. The streets were so long; the buildings were so tall. The night had been so long. She wanted to get back to the Tower and regain her powers. She needed to talk to Robin, to free herself.
Star tore her gaze from the bright blue Earth sky, noticing the front pages of today's newspapers. "Explosion of Unknown Cause Destroys Several Buildings", "Rare Chemical Cause of Explosion?", "Criminal Killed in Explosion During Theft Attempt", "Man Killed, Titan Injured in Explosion". Star wished she had the money to purchase the different newspapers. Maybe one of the shops would be so kind as to let her read the article, she thought, as she stepped into the nearest convenience store.
She stared at all the different newspapers for Jump City. There were certainly a lot. Then again, it wasn't as if there was nothing to write about. Jump City seemed to have an exceptionally high crime rate.
Her gaze shifted to the tabloids. Robin had warned her against reading them, as they were usually filled with lies. Raven had told her she would not like what they would say; they were trash, filled with vicious rumours. She said they were just pathetic attempts to give inferior people a false sense of security by defaming other people. But she couldn't ignore them… for they showed several pictures on the covers of the Titans.
"May I help you?" the woman at the counter asked.
"Er, I, um… I do not have any of the money to purchase the newspapers, but… I was hoping that… maybe you would allow me… to look at…" Starfire trailed off, realizing the woman was smiling.
"You're a Teen Titan. Of course you can have them," she said warmly. She leaned over the counter, as nobody else was in the store. Her smile faded a bit. "So… is it true? You were there at the time of the explosion last night?"
Starfire couldn't believe it had only been last night. Everything had happened within a night. The worry, the joy, the betrayal, the emptiness… "Yes," Star said softly. "We were all there."
"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?" the woman asked. Star didn't want to meet her eyes, and instead focused on the cherry red of her lipstick.
"I… truthfully do not know all of the details," Star said evasively.
"Are the papers true? Was Raven hurt in the explosion? Was that really the remains of a criminal they found in all the debris?" the woman asked. She wasn't being nosy, she just genuinely cared.
"The criminal was escaping with the chemical, and the chemical exploded after getting too close to fire," Starfire said matter-of-factly.
"There was a fire?" the woman asked. Starfire focused intently on the woman's pearl earrings, as if they would give her an answer she would be happy with.
"Yes… there was a fire. I am not sure of how it started," she said. Why was she defending Raven? Didn't she hate Raven? Star knew it had been Raven who had caused the fire. She knew Raven had killed the man. It had been Raven's fault those buildings were completely destroyed. Yet Star still didn't want to admit it.
"So… is Raven hurt?" she asked. Star's eyes slowly moved up to meet the woman's dark eyes.
"No, she is not hurt from the explosion," Starfire said honestly.
"Good, good," the woman said, her ruby lips forming a smile once again. "I'm glad. The poor girl, she looks as if she's going through something awful right now," she said, gesturing to the tabloids. "I really feel for her."
Star saw several pictures of Raven on the covers, all showing her horribly thin body. Most of them had queries of eating disorders. 'They are not completely false,' Starfire thought to herself. The tabloids did watch them quite closely, and had picked up on it even before the Titans had.
"There is no need for concern," Star said. The woman smiled at the reassurance.
"Good to hear. Now I'm sure you've got a lot to do, protecting the city and all that. So, take these," she said, gathering one of each newspaper and magazine and placing them in a bag, "and have a candy bar. Five, actually - one for each of the Titans." She slipped five chocolate bars into the bag. "Six. An extra for Raven. Poor girl, it must be awful to have the whole nation watching her."
Starfire smiled sweetly at the kind woman, taking the plastic bag. "Thank you very much. It is so very generous of you."
"My pleasure," the woman said, returning the smile, as Starfire walked out of the store with a pile of papers and chocolate.
The smile had come easily… In fact, after meeting such a nice woman, Star felt as if the huge burden of anger had been lifted. She couldn't stay mad, not even after what Raven had done. The woman's simple act of kindness had reminded Star how being good and caring felt so much better than being bitter and angry, as she had been for the night. It had felt good when she had defended Raven.
Raven needed protecting. She was weak, she was hurt, she was "going through something awful". Star remembered how Raven had broken down and cried, and how Star had comforted the girl. Star remembered how badly she wanted to make everything better for Raven, and how upset she was when Raven was trapped underneath the concrete after the explosion. Being bitter and hostile towards Raven would only make matters worse. Star's anger had only hurt them all.
Starfire unwrapped the candy bar, tasting it's sweet goodness in her mouth. The chocolate seemed to flood her with the happiness the night had taken away from her. The night was finally over, and Starfire was ready to forgive. She would fly again. She would have freedom.
'The end.' The words were so tempting in her mind. They were so empty and mysterious… and yet so fulfilling. It had such a finality to it, but at the same time seemed to bring a whole new beginning.
The words were imprinted in her mind now. She couldn't let them go. "The end," she whispered softly, staring at the tool lying in her hands. It called her name… she couldn't resist any longer. Its sweet melody filled her head with the reassurance of escape.
The crimson would be dark against her pale skin. Red really was her colour. It would wash away all her hatred, her pain and suffering. She would have freedom.
END OF CHAPTER
Mhmm… I dunno how well that chapter turned out. (Gasps) I know! YOU can tell me! Heheh…
- PENGUIN POP