Chapter 12: Who I Am Inside

Ellie

Sean helped me onto my bed and sat next to me, grabbing a hold of my hands, keeping me from getting up and running away. And that's what I wanted to do more than anything. How am I supposed to even begin to tell him what's wrong with me? I don't even really understand it. I never thought I was doing something seriously wrong. I thought I watched what I ate and that I was like any other girl, but I started to wonder whether or not I was going too far.

I think it really started when I saw that I was starting to throw up blood. And I was shaky all the time. I could barely stand up anymore. At first, I thought maybe it's just because I'm pregnant. But when I started to imagine the terrible things that could happen to my baby from what I was doing, I realized something else was wrong. Something more serious than just some fad diet.

And then, just like that, everything came rushing back to me.

"I've never really been... comfortable... um, with my body. I've always watched what I've eaten, how much I've exercised, what I weigh... And I guess it just got totally out of hand..." I let out a shaky breath and brought a hand up to my face. "This is really hard," I whispered to Sean.

He cupped my face with his hands and looked me in the eye. "But you can do it. I need to know. I care about you. I need to take care of you."

His soft voice helped calm my nerves a little, but the whole ordeal still made me uncomfortable. I've gone this far, though, how can I turn back? "I'm just scared of being fat. I can't stand the thought of it. I don't even know why. I shouldn't care, right?"

"No. Because you're not fat."

Why do people always say that? Don't they see it? I do. Every time I look in a damn mirror, I do. "Don't."

"Ellie, it's true. You're not fat."

"Sean, you're really not helping here. I can't listen to you say that... You just don't understand..." I know I sound like a bitch, but he doesn't. No one understands what's happening to me.

Sean gave me a hurt look and looked at his hands helplessly. "I'm trying to understand, but you're not telling me. You're not letting me in at all. I want to know what it's like to be you."

"I don't really know how to tell you."

"Tell me. Tell me what your day is like. Tell me what it's like for you to go through a day."

I stood up slowly, pulling my bathrobe tighter around me. It's so hard for me to get it out in words. I don't even understand it. Then, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. "Stay right here. I'll show you."

I went into my closet and searched around for the box. Maybe this would help him understand, maybe it'd help me understand. I reached in the far back and felt around. There. There it is. I pulled the large box out and carried it back into my bedroom, setting it down on the bed next to Sean. "Open it."

Sean

I opened the box and peered into it. Inside, there were a bunch of pictures and news clippings. "What is this?" I picked out a few picture and started going through them.

"That's my past. What I used to be. That's me in gymnastics. I was four then."

"You're so short!... And tiny..." I flipped through the next few pictures of Ellie. All from gymnastics.

"That's me at six. That's me when I was seven. Nine. Eight." But no matter how much older she was, she never seemed to look different.

"Were you even happy?" I stared at the serious expression on her face. She wore the same expression in all of the pictures. She looked... bored.

Ellie sat down next to me and picked a few more pictures of the box. "Of course, I was. Here. I just won a medal here." She showed me a picture of her holding up a gold medal and smiling broadly into the camera.

"But you're posing."

"Sean! I was happy."

"Okay, okay, okay... You're so thin!" I stared in shock at a picture of her on the balance beam. She looked like she was ready to snap any second.

Ellie took the picture and examined it. "I was seven. I was already counting calories at that age. I'm not that small."

"Ellie, if you can't see how thin you are in this picture, then you're crazy!" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I had said the wrong thing.

I had spent all night thinking of what I should say to her. I looked all over the internet, at all of the sites, I went over what to say and what not to say. Except, it seems like I'm saying all the wrong things right now. I never knew it would be this hard.

Ellie's eyes flashed and she stood up quickly. "I'm not crazy! You have no idea what you're talking about, Sean! Here- look at this picture! Here I am, age 12. I weight 74lbs! And this one- I'm ten. I'm ten and keeping a food diary of everything I've eaten that day. And at age thirteen, I was throwing up more than eleven times a day. This is my ballet picture. I starved myself for a week for this picture. I said I was on a religious fast and everyone fell for it. Nobody really cares about me, Sean. Everyone just ignores me. No one sees what I go through everyday."

I picked up a picture that caught my eye. Ellie was sitting on a little bed in a small and simple room. She had a huge t-shirt on and a pair of jeans and she looked miserable. "Where's this at?"

She calmed down and took the picture from me. "Oh. That. Some stupid hospital my dad made me go to."

"For...?" I didn't want to finish the rest of the sentence. Did her parents know? Did they actually know and not do anything about it?

Ellie crossed her arms defiantly. "Yeah... but my dad pulled me out. He knew I wasn't happy there."

She seemed almost proud of the fact that she had persuaded her dad to take her out of recovery. God, this is sad. This is really sad. "Don't you understand what you're doing?" I asked her quietly.

She looked back at me with big, morose eyes. "Now I do," she choked out. She kneeled down in front of me and placed her hands on my thighs. "It really hurts. I can barely walk. My stomach is killing me. I laid in bed the other day in pain for three hours. I couldn't even get up, it hurt so bad. I was so scared. That's why I went to the doctor's."

I couldn't even open my mouth. This is it, she's breaking down in front of me. She continued when I didn't say anything. "I don't even feel like I'm my own person anymore. I've tried to stop, Sean. Honest. But I can't. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'll eat today, I don't. And then I say that I'll eat the next day, but I don't. I find any excuse not to. I hide my food, I throw it away, I give it to the cats... I don't feel in control anymore!"

I smoothed her hair out of her face and watched as tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Sshh. We're going to get through this. Together. I promise. It's going to take awhile, but we will. Don't beat yourself up about this."

"Please, Sean. Don't let me do it anymore. I can't hurt this baby." The waver in her voice was too much for me. I fell onto my knees beside her and pulled her into a tight hug. And then she told me. She told me everything. She told me about Breydon, about the baby she lost because of her eating disorder, and about the pain she felt.

She wiped at her eyes. "I don't even know if I did it on purpose or not. I don't think I did. But I don't know. What kind of person starves themself, knowing that they're pregnant? Only someone as sick and twisted as me-..."

"Hey! Don't talk about yourself like that. You didn't realize what you were doing. Ellie, you can't beat yourself up forever. You don't even know if that's the full reason why you miscarried. You just don't know."

"But I didn't take care of myself or the baby. I was selfish. I only cared about what I looked like. And I'm doing it again. I can't mess it up this time."

I stared into her eyes. "And you're not going to. You are going to deliver a strong, healthy baby, and it's going to have a wonderful life.Our baby is going to love us, we're going to be one, big, happy family."

She clung to my arms and buried her face into my shoulder. "What am I going to do?" she muffled out.

I stroked her hair lightly. "First of all, what did Dr. Martin say? That's where we start. With your doctor."

Ellie pulled away and fiddled with the belt on her robe. "He just said I need to eat more. He said I need to talk to someone."

"That's all?"

"I think he was too surprised that I was actually admitting that there's something wrong with me," Ellie mused bitterly. She threw her hands up in the air. "I must be crazy or something. Seriously. Because sometimes I think I'm fine, and then there's other times when I feel like I'm in big trouble. It's like this big revelation that occurs every so often. And I get scared. But I can't do anything about it."

I racked my brain for any words of encouragement I could give her. What did those web sites say I should say? Come on, I have to remember. I have to say something that can help her. I can't let her go on thinking that this is all her fault, that she's worthless, and she's crazy, and whatever else she's thinking right now.

I sighed and ran a hand over my tired eyes. I can't just recite something off of a website. I need to say something real. "Honestly, Ellie... I don't know what to do. I don't. But we're going to figure it out, okay?"

"We're? You're not the one with the problem. You're fine."

I shook my head. "No. I'm with you on this. I'm going to be there every step of the way."

"You don't have to do this-..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want you getting involved!"

"Ellie! You can't get rid of me." I grabbed her hand and held it with both of mine. "You see this? Me holding your hand? This is what it's going to be like. I'm not going to let you get even sicker, beat yourself up over this, or relapse. You're going to be healthy, and we are going to get on with our lives. Do you understand?"

A tear slid down her cheek, but she didn't wipe it away. "I can't believe you're being so good to me. I don't deserve anything from you."

"Hey! That's not true. You deserve everything. You're worth everything. I love you, Ellie."

"I love you, too."

Ellie

I finished putting my sweatshirt on and sat back down on the bed, staring at my feet. I

looked up at Sean, who was still drying his hair a little. I can't believe I told him everything. I feel like such an idiot. He probably thinks I'm insane, and he can't stand the sight of me. Stop it. Sean loves you. I put a hand to my stomach and rubbed it back and forth. And so does this baby. The thought of the baby put a little smile on my face.

"What are you smiling about?" Sean turned around and stood in front of me.

"I'm just thinking about the baby," I responded.

Sean smiled, too, and held out his hands for me to take so he could help me to my feet. "Are you ready?"

I held back a little. "No." I was not ready to go and talk to my parents. They'll go berserk. I know. I've been in this situation before.

Sean helped me off of the bed and wrapped me in his arms for a few minutes, just holding me, not saying anything, just letting me know he's here. I can't even express how in love with him I am at this moment. He's been there for me through a lot- cutting, the pregnancy, and now this problem. I don't even know what to call this problem. I can't call it an eating disorder. That sounds so harsh, so crazy, so... wrong. People like me don't get eating disorders. People like me are in control all the time, are smart, know better. I never thought what I was doing was wrong, but back then it had only been me, now I have someone else to take care of. I have a baby, and I know it's wrong when I'm putting my feelings and wants and health ahead of the baby's.

Sean led me downstairs. My parents are down there. I have to tell them that I'm not okay. That I've been lying and sneaking around and I'm finally admitting there's something wrong with me. I never would admit it before. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me before. And now, now I know there is.

It's so scary. My parents could send me away. They could put me in that hospital again. If they put me in there again, I don't know what I'll do. That was the lowest point of my life. Being left behind in some white room with overly cheery nurses and trays of food and threats and being fed through tubes of my nose. I was so restricted. I couldn't do anything about it except cry to daddy.

And now? Now they're going to be so disappointed in me.

My parents sat down on the love seat in the living room and stared back at me with solemn eyes. Did they know already? Had they guessed? I tried to get back up and run away, but Sean was holding on to my hand. My leg was shaking viciously. Sean whispered something into my ear, but I don't even know what he said. I'm too busy thinking of how my parents are going to react. Send me away, scream at me, cry, be angry, leave me... All possible reactions.

"You wanted to tell us something, sweetie?" My dad fixed me with a concerned look. My dad. He's the one who I've always been able to tell anything to. But I couldn't tell him this. I couldn't tell him about all the pressure I felt in my life- winning that gold medal, getting the lead part, getting perfect grades, always having boyfriends... He would have just been disappointed in me. And now? I still can't tell him. I can't tell him about my cutting or how I felt when he left or how I feel about mom's drinking... And now he's looking at me, frightened. He looks like he's ready to be sick. He really does care about me. Even if he's never around.

"Dad..." my mouth felt like sandpaper. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Dad... Mom... I, uh..."

Their eyes bore into me. They were waiting. My mom's eyes flickered over to my dad with a concerned look. Even my mom's worried about me.

"There's something... things aren't... there's something... wrong..."

"Yes?" my mom whispered.

"... with me..." my eyes stared at the oriental rug on the floor. I remember going with my mom to pick it out a few years ago. I also remember passing out on it last year after I had starved myself for over a week. My parents had been gone. I just fell over and slept.

"Ellie?" Sean nudged me a little with his elbow.

I jerked my head back up, feeling lightheaded. I licked my lips and look at my parents' faces. "I'm sick."

"How? Is it the baby? What's wrong?" my dad's questions came out, one right after the other.

I shook my head. "No. The baby is... fine." I hope. "It's me."

"..."

"I'm sick."

"..."

I burst into tears. "I'm sorry! I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. And I just want to feel better. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this!"

My mom shot out off of the sofa and sat on the other side of me, putting an arm around my shoulder. "What's going on? What do you mean?"

"I'm so sorry. I'm such an utter disappointment to both of you. I don't even deserve to be your daughter. I can't do anything right!"

Sean's grip tightened on my hand, my mom's grip tightened on my shoulder, and I felt my dad's fingers brush away the tears falling from my eyes. I looked up into his eyes and saw how much pain I was causing him. Tears were starting to fill his eyes, and I hate myself for it. The thing I hate most in this world is seeing my dad cry.

I couldn't even say anymore. It was just too hard trying to force the words out. Sean kissed me on the temple and whispered to me, "I'm so proud of you."

"We're going to get you help, honey," My mom brushed the hair out of my face. For once, she was acting like the mother I used to know. Despite all my complaining about her, about how much I wish she was gone sometimes, about how horrible she is, I still want that special mother/daughter relationship with me so much. I want her to talk to me about superficial things that don't even matter, and I want her to give me rules. Most of all, I want her to accept me. And now, I think she's starting to.

Ashley

"Sean!" my eyes widened when I saw him.

He stared back at me with bloodshot eyes, heavy with dark under-eye circles. In short, he looked like death itself.

"Are you okay?" Hell, even I was concerned. I looked around, but didn't see Ellie. I wonder if Ellie knows he looks this bad. Oh yeah, they're living together. I can't believe she let him come to school like this. Unless... unless they got into a fight... and they're not living together anymore... Oh my God. That would totally explain why he looked like hell, and Ellie wasn't with him. She must be devastated right now. If Sean even did anything to hurt her, I will freaking kill him. "Where's Ellie? Did you two get in a fight? Is she okay?"

"Ashley, chill. Ellie will be coming in later." He tried to push past me, but I stopped him.

"Why?" I wasn't being nosey, I'm generally concerned about her. "Is something wrong?"

"Listen, I really don't want to get into it. She's not fine, but I'm not going to get into it."

"Sean! Is it the baby? You have to tell me. I'm her best-friend," I put my hands on my hips and fixed him with a death-glare.

Sean looked exasperated. "Look, I'm tired. I'm in a crappy mood. I don't have time for this."

He started to walk away again, but I decided to try one more time. "Sean? Please?"

He stopped in his tracks and looked back at me. "Fine," he sighed. He took my elbow and drug me over to a more secluded part of the hallway. If that's possible.

"Okay, tell me," I whispered once we were, more or less, alone.

Sean looked around him and stuffed his hands in his pant pockets. "You know how we were all concerned about Ellie before? About... the whole eating thing?"

"Yeah..." Is this going where I think it's going?

"Well... she more or less confessed to it. To me."

"Oh my god! What did she say? Why did she confess?"

"I don't really want to get too in detail- but I confronted her about it, she admitted it, we told her parents. Her parents are bringing her in today to talk to Ms. Sauve about a therapist."

I crossed my arms over my chest and breathed a sigh of relief. "Good! I'm glad she'd going to get help. Really. This is, like, a blessing. Thanks for telling me, Sean."

He nodded and wandered off. Wow. I can't believe Ellie actually told someone. I wish she had told me. I want to help her so much. I leaned against a row of lockers and pondered over what action to take next. Should I go to her? Would she tell me or should I bring it up?

"Hey hon!" Paige sauntered up to me with a big grin on her face. "You look upset, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing... I mean..." Well, Sean didn't say not to tell anyone, right? And Paige always gives good advice. As weird as that sounds. Maybe she could give me advice. Yes, she could definitely help. "You won't believe what Sean just told me."

"Spill, girl!"

I spoke to her in a hushed voice. "He said Ellie told him she has an eating disorder! She admitted it, Paige."

"Woah. I almost forgot about that." Paige raised her eyebrows and inspected her nails. "Is she getting help? What about the baby?"

"He didn't tell me too much. Just that she told him and then they told her parents. They're going to get her a therapist. But what should I do? Should I go up to her and tell her that I know? Or should I just wait until she comes to me."

Paige looked up from her thumbnail. "If I know Ellie, not that I really do or anything, but, from what I know... She doesn't really offer any information about anything. She'll never come to you. You'll have to go to her. But, then again, that could also be bad."

"Yeah..."

"Hey girls! What's up?" Hazel bounced up to us with a huge smile on her face. "You won't believe what Jimmy just said. He just said that-..."

"Hazel, Ellie admitted she has an eating disorder. What should we do?" Paige blurted out before Hazel could say anything else.

I almost smacked her across the face. I had told her this in strict confidence and the first person she sees, she tells. Damnit!

Hazel pursed her lips and let out a slow breath. "Wow. That's... wow. That must have been hard for her. I don't know... does Marco know?"

I hit myself on the forehead. "Of course Marco would know! Why didn't we think of this before? Ellie tells him absolutely everything."

Paige rolled her eyes. "I know... It's almost pukeworthy how they act around each other. Like a bunch of little giggling pre-pubescent tweens."

I ignored her comment. "There he is. Let's go ask his advice."

"Oh, Marco!" Hazel called out in a sing-song voice.

Marco gave us a wary glance, but came over to us anyway. "Ladies?"

"Okay, so, spill on how you think we should deal with this Ellie-situation," I commanded.

Marco furrowed his eyebrows and gave me a confused look. "Ellie? Situtation? Huh?"

"You don't know?" Paige put a hand to her chest in shock. "Marco! Ellie's, like, in the hospital for starving herself."

"She is not!" I retorted. "She told her parents she has an eating problem. We thought you knew. We wanted to ask you how we should go around handling this."

Marco just stared back at me. And then, without a word, he turned on his heel and ran down the hallway. I gasped and looked at Paige and Hazel in amazement. Did he really just do that? Paige shrugged her shoulders, Hazel looked up at the ceiling, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I just wanted to help her, and, now, I've made everything worse.

Geeze, poor Ash. I always make her ruin things. It just comes out that way, though. Okay, next chapter- Ellie's visit to a therapist, Ellie finds out that everyone knows, Marco/Ellie, maybe even some Jay/Ellie,Alex/Ellie, etc... What do you guys want:) Thanks for the great reviews!