Chapter 15: Am I Ready?

Ellie

"Ellie? Is there anything particular you want to talk about?" Dr. Brahm set down her notebook and pen, putting me at a little more ease. At least I didn't feel like she was going to record every detail I mentioned.

I shrugged and looked out of the window to my right. "I don't know..." I responded quietly.

She gave a little laugh and my head snapped towards hers. What did she just laugh about it? Did I say something funny? She shook her light brown curls in amusement and crossed her legs, leaning towards me. "Don't be so nervous, hun."

Oh God. She's a Paige clone. Just my luck! Like super! I gave her a little sneer and turned my attention back to the window.

"I'm your friend, Ellie. I can-..."

"You're my friend? How can you be my friend? You just met me!" I choked out. I did not want to be here. In the waiting room, I kept telling myself it wouldn't be bad- that I could do it. All I had to do was tell her my story, just like I told Sean and Marco. That's it. I should have known that, as soon as I entered her office, I would chicken out.

She didn't get mad or upset. She just nodded in agreement and leaned back in her chair. "I know, I'm just some stupid therapist. Psychologist. Whatever you want to call me. But, seriously, Ellie, I've been in your situation before. I wasn't always so happy or in control of my life. Sometimes I still feel as if I'm out of control, but I know how to help myself. I know I shouldn't take it out on myself."

"I'm not taking anything out on myself."

"You're taking it out on your baby?"

My mouth fell open in shock. "How dare you say that!"

I swallowed hard and stared at my two hands in my lap. They looked foreign to me. She was right... I was taking it out on myself... and my baby. But why? Why do I feel as if I need to punish myself constantly? It doesn't make any sense.

She shook her head slowly. "You're right. That was completely out of line. I apologize. So, how is the baby? Are you excited?" She gave me a big smile and I saw her rows of straight, white teeth.

"Yeah, we're really excited." I smiled at the thought of Sean painting the nursery. He's being such a sweetheart.

"I gather you're still together with the father?"

"Yeah. He's great."

"That's swell! Any baby names yet?"

I played with the bracelets around my wrist, racking my brain to any mention of baby names... "No, I don't think we've even thought about that yet..."

"Well, it's early. You have plenty of time," Dr. Brahm reached over onto her desk and grabbed a book off of it. "But, just to give you a little inspiration- I got you this."

She handed me a book of baby names. I looked at the baby pictures on the cover and smiled just thinking about holding one of my own in a few months. Is there really anything better than being a mother? I mean, just thinking about creating something so... innocent. It's amazing. Nobody ever imagined I'd be the kind of girl who'd get all giddy about weddings and babies and other stuff like that. But, how can I help being this way?

"Thanks. Truly."

I stared into Dr. Brahm's warm brown eyes. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. She didn't seem too bad.

"No problem, Ellie. How about you just go through that the rest of our session? I'll just catch up on a little of my own reading, and we can just enjoy being in each other's company, not having anything else to worry about at the moment, at peace."

I had to keep myself from giving her a weird look. What is she talking about? Oh well. I started thumbing in the book, looking at different names that I always liked.

"Could I have a piece of paper? I want to write some of these down."

Dr. Brahm looked up with a smile and tore a piece of paper out of her notebook. "Sure! Finding some good ones?"

"Yeah... Listen to this: Brayden Lee. Brayden means 'hillside' and Lee means 'meadow'."

"It's beautiful."

"Brayden was the name of an old boyfriend of mine."

"Oh?"

"He... died..." It still hurt to get the words out.

"Oh." Dr. Brahm's smile dropped and she walked over to the chair next to mine and took a seat. "Anything you want to talk about?"

I smiled sadly and lifted a shoulder. "I don't know... I feel so stupid still getting all worked up about it. It happened awhile ago. Still... I really loved him. We were going to get married."

"You're only sixteen!"

"I know... I was in the sixth grade when I first met him. He was older. We didn't start dating until the end of seventh grade, though. I think it was one of those rash decisions people make in the moment. Still, we would have been great. I can't even imagine where I would have been without him..."

I felt her hand on my arm. "It's always nice to have someone who cares enough about you to help you. I'm sorry you lost someone as special as him."

Normally I would have been upset that someone dared to act like they knew what I went through. As if they knew him and knew every one of his smiles and what it meant when we'd look at you that way. Normally I would have shot back with some smart-ass remark. But I didn't with her. I could tell she was just trying to help me. She wasn't trying to act like she knew him. She just wanted me to know that she was sorry it happened.

I tried to give a smile, but it came off as weak. "Thanks," I managed to spit out. I couldn't talk about it anymore. If I did, I'd cry.

She patted my arm and tucked a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. "So, tell me about the father of the baby."

"He's... he's really fascinating. Seriously. Sometimes I think I know everything about him, and then he'll completely surprise me... It's always nice to have that. To have someone you keep learning about as you go on."

"I agree. It's always nice to be surprised pleasantly," Dr. Brahm looked at her watch and gave me a regretful smile. "Well, it's time to go. I'll see you again?"

I looked down at the baby book and back up at her. "Yeah, I'll see you Thursday."

Sean

I jumped from the computer chair as soon as I heard the door open. "How was it? Is she nice? Do you like her?" I bombarded Ellie with all the questions that had been racing through my head the entire time she was at her counseling session.

She laughed and put her hands on my chest, pushing me back. "Relax! She's... okay," she admitted grudgingly.

"Ah ha! Not as bad as you thought it was going to be!" I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her on the top of her head. "Don't you love it when you're... dare I say it?... wrong?"

"Oh, shut up!" she retorted, slapping my butt playfully.

I raised my eyes and pulled her even closer. "So, I really missed you... so did our bed."

"Especially since I was gone for about two hours!"

"I know. It was hell. Just plain hell. So, if you want to make it up to me, don't let me stop you..."

I sucked on Ellie's neck playfully, nipping at it here and there. She giggled breathlessly and squirmed a little underneath me. "That was-..."

"Amazing?" I finished.

"I was going to say-..."

"Orgasmic?"

"Yes, but also-..."

"Fabulous?"

"Sean!" she whined. "I was going to say: it was... it was..." she gave me a blank look and I laughed.

"It's okay. I always draw a blank. It's what's so charming about me," I nuzzled her neck before rolling over onto my back. Ellie inched closer to me and I wrapped my arms around her. "When's your next appointment."

"Thursday," her voice was muffled against my chest.

"That's good. You get tomorrow off. Did you want to go shopping for the baby?" I glanced down at her as her head shot up, eyes gleaming and a smile across her face.

"Shopping? You want to go shopping? Where is my boyfriend?"

"Oh, here's still here. He's just blinded by your good looks and charm. But, he's definitely still here."

I gave her my best brooding look and she shivered beneath my gaze. "I love that look."

"Oh, really?" I cocked an eyebrow and she bit her lip seductively.

"Come here, you stupid oaf..." she pulled me back to her, practically bruising my lips with the force she was kissing me with.

"Mmmm," I moaned into her mouth "You're... wild tonight," I whispered when she pulled back tonight.

She laughed huskily and put a finger to my lips. "Hold that thought, I'll be right back."

She stood up, taking the sheets with her, and I half-heartedly pulled a blanket up over me. I stretched my arms above me and folded them behind my head. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that I asked Ellie to move in with me. I get to be with her all night. I'm especially happy on nights like this one where she gets crazy.

I opened my eyes when I felt her hop back onto the bed. I looked over at her lazily and grinned when I saw the way the sheet was haphazardly covering her. Then I noticed the gleaming metal and my eyes widened. She had handcuffs. She blushed and crawled on her stomach closer to me. "I bought these on a whim the other week. We were supposed to use them on my birthday, but we never got that far."

A big stupid grin spread across my face and I held out a hand. "Go ahead, officer."

She let out a peal of laughter and slapped the cuffs onto one of my wrists. "Now, you've been a very bad boy. I'm going to have to haul you off to jail."

"Aren't you supposed to frisk me first?"

Ellie sucked on her cheek, trying to hold back a smile, but she couldn't help it. She quickly put a serious expression back on her face. "I make the rules around you. But, yes, I'll have to do a full body search. So, stay still and let me do my job."

"Make sure you do a good job. Nothing half-ass."

"Don't talk to me like that!" She pointed her free hand in my face and pinched my cheek roughly.

The rest of the time was spent in silence as we explored each other's bodies. Ellie took her time on my shoulder, and I sucked just below her neck. After we were finished, Ellie rested a cheek on her hand and stared at my face. "I love you," she murmured.

"I love you, too," the words felt so right coming out of my mouth. Who knew love could be this easy? Everyone always said it was hard. Yeah, there are the hard parts- like seeing Ellie put herself through hell or having to prepare for a baby, but it's so easy to love her. It doesn't take a special moment for me to realize how much I do. I can just be watching her sleep or watching her brush her teeth. She can be cuddling with one of the kittens, and I'm lost right there. I don't know. Maybe this isn't your average kind of love. Maybe this is unconditional and fast and prone to failure, but I can't imagine being with anyone else but her.

"I need a drink," Ellie whispered suddenly and tried to get up from the bed. "Hey!" she laughed as I pulled her back with the handcuffs. She fell back on top of me and I kissed her cheek sloppily. "Sean! I'm thirsty!"

"Oh fine!" I responded gruff. I scooted over on the bed so she could reach the key on the dresser.

"Sean, you need to move over more. Stop making this hard," she glared back at me.

I gave her a nasty face. "Okay." I sounded like a whiny brat, but oh well. She rolled her eyes at me and reached even further, just barely grabbing the key. Feeling spiteful because of her tone, I pulled back suddenly, causing her to crash back into me.

I stopped laughing when she looked at me. "What?" I asked innocently.

She just stared at me with that "oh shit" face on. "What?" I repeated.

"I dropped the key..."

"Then pick it up."

"No, it's not on the floor."

"Where is it?" I raised myself up on my elbows and looked on the floor at her feet. Her toes wiggled and I grinned at her painted toe-nails.

She pointed towards the register with a shaky finger. "There..."

"You've got to be kidding me. It went down the register? Can you see it?"

"No, I can't! It's all your fault. It you hadn't been goofing off..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it all on me. You're the one who brought the handcuffs into the bed."

"You were all about it five seconds ago."

"Five seconds ago the key was safely on the table and not in the register."

"And whose fault is that?" Ellie turned to look at me and raised her eyebrow in such an agitating way that I groaned out loud before throwing my face into my pillow.

"So, what are we going to do?" I muttered. Ellie fell back onto the bed next to me and looked me in the eye.

Her tone grew serious. "There's only one thing we can do, Sean. I have to call Marco."

"Marco? Why? I don't want him to see me naked!" I grabbed the blankets and wrapped them around my naked body.

Ellie rolled her eyes and reached over for her cell phone on the bed stand. "Marco would never check you out."

"Oh yeah? And why not?"

"You're not his type," she quipped, punching at the keys on her phone.

I crossed my one free arm across my chest and buried the back of my head into my pillow. "This is the sort of thing you read about in magazines or see in the movies. The one time we decide to get a little crazy and have some fun, we get into this mess. And now you're calling Marco. You're gay friend. Who likes boys. Who will probably jump at the chance to come see me in the buff. Or he'll decide that maybe he really does like girls and come and ogle you naked. Either way, I lose. I'm either violated or having my girlfriend be checked out by her best friend, who she used to be totally in love with." I couldn't stop babbling. I was talking absolute shit, but I couldn't stop.

"I'm going to pretend you're not talking because you're being incredibly annoying," Ellie whispered , covering the phone with the handcuffed hand. "Marco? Marco, you have got to help me out. Listen, go to Gadner's and in the toy section there are a set of handcuffs..."

"You got the handcuffs at Gadner's? That place is so cheap, I'm surprised the handcuffs haven't broken apart by now. The stupid key probably didn't work in the first place."

"Shut up!" Ellie hissed. "No, not you, Marco. Sean's acting like a baby. Okay, buy the set of handcuffs and bring them to the apartment. We kind of... lost the key... Yeah, down the register. Embarrassing... So you'll do it? Marco, you are my savior. Love you, too. Buh bye."

Her voice got really quiet and cutesy as she practically baby-talked him off the phone. She closed the phone and glanced at me with big eyes.

"Goo goo, gah gah, Marco Warco?" my lip lifted up in a slight snarl. "Could you be anymore fascinated by the kid?"

"He's my best friend."

"I thought I was your best friend."

"Do we really have to have this talk? Again! He'll be here in like a half hour or something..."

"You know... that's just enough time to-..."

"Are you serious? You're still ready to go after what just happened?"

"Of course I am. I'm always horny with you. Be glad I'm able to bounce back this fast after just having a go..."

"Ugh. Okay, fine. But make it quick."

Marco

"Oh, love birds!" I sang out through the door. I knocked again and leaned against the doorway, waiting to see Ellie and Sean open the door in handcuffs. My little disposable camera was hanging out behind my back. There's no way I can let this go without a picture or two.

The door flew open and I walked into the doorway, peering behind the door to see Ellie and Sean wrapped in sheets. I quickly brought out my camera and snapped a few pictures of them trapped together.

"Marco!" Ellie reached out with a hand towards the camera, letting the sheet drop down a little.

"Hey!" Sean grabbed the sheet and quickly pulled it back up over Ellie, letting his own side of the sheet fall down.

He blushed as he grabbed for the sheet and wrapped it back around his body. I decided to make him even more uncomfortable and wiggled my eyebrows. "Wow, El. Now I know why you keep him around..."

"You're a sick bas-..."

"Relax, doll. I was kidding. I didn't see a thing. Not a thing."

Ellie put a hand over her mouth and shook with silent laughter at the redness of Sean's face. I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or pissed off. I rolled my eyes and took the package of handcuffs out of the grocery bag. "Here you go. A new pair of feisty handcuffs for you to play around with. I'll get out the key for you. You two can't be trusted." I ripped open the package and inserted the little key into the handcuffs, twisting it to the left. The handcuffs popped open and fell to the floor.

"Better?" I cocked an eyebrow and grinned impishly at the couple in front of me.

Ellie ruffled my hair and pulled me into a one-armed hug. "Thanks, Marco!"

Sean grudgingly thanked me and headed off into the bedroom. "What's wrong with him?"

"Oh, you know men and their insecurities," Ellie breathed.

I shook my head. "Men? Insecurities? I know nothing about that."

Ellie pulled her sheet closer and laughed. "You're fabulous, Marco. I'm going to go get dressed. Stay right here. You can have dinner with us tonight."

"Sounds good."

"So," I took a sip of my coffee after eating Ellie's spaghetti- or what was supposed to be spaghetti... It was actually a big pot of gluey noodles, but Sean and I still ate it happily. Just thinking about the sticky mess in my stomach made my stomach hurt, but she tried. She had munched on few apple slices at the dinner table.

"So," Ellie repeated, stirring a spoon in her hot chocolate and coffee.

"How was your appointment today?" I peered over the top of my mug and gazed into her eyes.

She lowered her eyelids a little and looked into her cup. "Okay, I guess. She's not too bad."

"That's good. Do you think you can see yourself talking to her about... things?" I didn't know yet how to form the word. I still can't fully believe that Ellie has been suffering from an eating disorder for so long.

Ellie shrugged and sat back on the couch. "It's going to be hard. I don't really enjoy telling strangers my personal stuff, but, it's necessary for the baby."

"You're right. It is. I can't wait until you have the baby, Ellie." I reached over and rubbed her little tummy with my fingers lightly. "It's going to be so fun to have a baby to shop for and play with."

"You'll be the godfather, won't you, Marco?" She grabbed my hand and entwined it with her little fingers.

"Of course!" I leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. "But now I have to go home before my mom think you've kidnapped me. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Sean."

"Bye," Sean grunted from the computer. I threw him a wink and he almost fell out of his chair. Silly.

Sean

"Does that feel better?" I placed a pillow behind Ellie's back and she nodded absent-mindedly. So much for being thankful...

"Listen to this, Sean!" She reached out and took a hold of the hem of my shirt, pulling me closer. "Today your baby has gained probably a quarter of a pound since last week. He's almost a foot long and is growing more baby fat every day. The brain is growing rapidly and taste buds are developing. Mommy's skin might feel more itchy and dry. Make sure to moisturize every day. Most women have a glucose screening test at this stage in the pregnancy. This helps detects gestational diabetes which can make your baby grow overly fat and cause the need for a cesarean section! Sean! I haven't had that test! I don't want to have a c-section!"

Ellie's eyes grew wide and she gave me a scared look. I grabbed the book from her and read over the paragraph. "What crap are you reading? This isn't true! Believe me, Ellie. This book is lying."

"Sean, the doctor gave it to me. I think it's for real," Ellie pouted and grabbed the book back from me. "He never told me about this test. Why didn't he tell me about this test? Shouldn't this be important?"

"I'm sure he's going to schedule one for you. Don't worry. You are going to be fine!" I took a hold of her hand and squeezed it affectionately.

"Yeah, I'm sure he will. Sorry, I'm just a little high-strung lately... With the pregnancy, starting therapy, school, everything, my life is so hectic right now. I'm surprised I haven't lost it by now."

I kissed her temple and started massaging her palms. "You've been real good. Speaking of baby, have you thought of any names yet? Jay has got it into his head that we're naming it after him. Even if it's a girl."

"Oh yeah?" Ellie laughed. "And what would the girl version of his name be?"

"Jayde..."

"Oh God. He's really full of himself, isn't he?"

"Yeah. But, uh, he seems to think we're actually going to name the kid after him. I don't know how he got that into his head."

"Well, we're not. Sean, I have the perfect name for the baby!"

I kissed her fingers and held them against my cheek. "Oh, really? And what's the name?"

Ellie sat up and clasped her hands in her lap. "Okay, so, I was thinking of names I've always liked. And, you know, you should give your kids names you love, names that mean something to you. And I kept coming back to the same name... Brayden."

"Brayden," I repeated.

"Yeah, okay, I know you probably totally hate the idea, but just hear me out. Brayden Lee. Sean, could it be any more perfect? And, you know, I've always said I'd honor Brayden's memory somehow. This is the best way. Really."

"Brayden."

"Yeah, listen, it'll grow on you. Believe me."

"And if it's a girl?"

"Brynn. Brynn Leigh."

"Brayden, Brynn. Brayden Lee. Brynn Leigh. Ellie, I-..."

"Hate it. I know. But it's really important to me. I know, I know. It's selfish to ask you to do something like this just to please me, but, Sean, if you only knew how important it is to me."

I clamped a hand over her mouth. "Ellie! Shh! I like it. I love it. I think it's perfect."

"You really like it?" she put her hands on both sides of my face and pulled me closer to her.

"Yeah, I do. I think it's perfect."

"Sean-..." she breathed softly.

"And I think it's amazing that you want to name our baby after your-... after Brayden. You are amazing," I whispered, pushing my lips softly against hers.

"You are, too."

Okay, so they picked out names. Yay! And Marco's going to be the godfather! Yay! Next chapter- another appointment with Dr. Brahm and, uh, who knows what else. Suggestiosn and reviews always welcome! Thanks for reading!