Chapter 16: Lets Me In

Ellie

"Ellie, good to see you. Have a seat!" Dr. Brahm gestured towards the same armchair I had been sitting in during my last session. She was busy sorting through her desk drawers and finally her head popped back up, curls bouncing. "Gum?" she held out a stick of gum.

I shrugged and took a piece.

"So... how you been?"

I started to shrug again, but she lifted an eyebrow. She was expecting me to actually say something. "Fine," I pushed out. "Just school mostly..."

"School's okay?"

I nodded.

"Good. What sort of things are you learning about in school? Do you have any homework tonight?"

What does this have to do with fixing me? "Well, I have to read a few chapters in a book for English, I have to write a page response for English on what I read-..."

"What are you reading?" she poured a glass of ice water and offered it to me. I took it gladly. My throat was starting to get dry.

"East of Eden."

"Ooh, Steinback. That's cool. You like the book so far?"

There she went. She was getting that stupid notebook out. Does she seriously have to record what I say down? Can't she just remember it? And what am I even saying anyway that has any significance? I'm talking about school. "Yeah, I really like it so far."

There, that's all I'm offering. Take it or leave it.

"That's good. Have you seen your parents lately?"

I swallowed hard. I knew sooner or later the topic of my parents would come up. It's not like I want to rat them out and make them out to be horrible people. I don't really find joy in that. "They've been my parents."

There. That's all I'd offer.

"Okay. Who are your parents?"

How was I supposed to answer this? "Well, Dr. Brahm. You see, when two people love each other very much-..."

"Haha. Sass. I like it. Okay, well, did you want to talk about anything?"

I shook my head.

"At all?"

God, she sounded desperate. She shouldn't have chosen a profession where the power was totally in the patient's hands. It doesn't fit her well.

"Okay then. Well, I thought we could do some art therapy today."

"Art therapy?" I repeated. Is she serious? How is that supposed to help me?

She just smiled and reached into a drawer in her desk. Next thing I knew, a pile of coloring books were being placed on the coffee table in front of me. Next she tossed a package of crayons.

I've always been obsessed with Crayons. I had to have the biggest and best box with all the new colors. There's just something about them- I don't know. It sounds stupid... I would make sure the crayons were in their correct spots, I had every name memorized, I was the Crayola master. How things change. I stopped using my crayons when I didn't win the contest. You were supposed to send in your ideas of the names of the new crayons. I remember there was this orange color- I named it Sunrise. I was so excited. I knew it'd be used because it was short and simple and just... perfect. I mailed off my envelope with my suggestion and waited for the release of the titles. The day the new box of crayons came out, my dad camped out in front of a drug store to buy them.

I didn't win.

They named the crayon Macaroni-&-Cheese.

I was so upset. Who names a crayon after a food? It was too long anyways. Sunset is so much simpler and sometimes it's the simpler things that are better. I locked myself in my room and it took all of my parents convincing to get me out of there. I was embarrassed. I had told everyone I was going to win. I'd never been wrong before in my life.

That night I broke all my crayons. Each time I snapped one, it was like my heart was breaking. I don't know why. I was just so attached to those things. They never disappointed me- red would always be red. Blue would always be blue. There are some things that stay. I had to save my red crayon for last. I tried to break it, I was ready to, but I couldn't. Instead, I kept it in my jewelry box. It's still there.

I went to town on a picture of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. I was never one of those kids that colored the pictures whatever color they wanted to. I always had to get it right. Bugs Bunny was always grey, Daffy- he's black.

An hour, I glanced up to see Dr. Brahm sneaking a look at her watch. She had finished her picture of Porky Pig over a half hour ago.

"Sorry," I put the final touch on my picture and put the crayons away.

"No, it's fine. It looks great!" she gave me a sincere smile and picked up my picture. "How about I hang these on the wall?"

"Cool."

She stayed standing. "So, how do you feel?" she crossed her arms expectantly.

I thought about it for a second. "Relaxed," I admitted surprised.

Her smile grew bigger. "That's great. Ellie, I'm not the enemy here. I'm here for you. I want to help you, I want to be your friend, I want to be like your older sister. I want us to be close. I'll respect you as long as you respect me and my job. Deal?"

"Deal." We shook on it.

"Ellie, I'm going to help you. It'll be hard, but I'll do whatever I can. Have you eaten anything today?"

I bowed my head and looked at my feet. "Can we not talk about that right now?" I felt so ashamed. I had tried to eat a granola bar for lunch that day, but couldn't. I felt as if I was going to suffocate every time I brought it up to my mouth. I can still see the pained expression on Sean's face as he pretended not to be watching me.

"I would really like for your parents could come to your next session. There are some things I'd like to talk to them about- tips, ideas, methods to help you. Can they make it?"

"No," I blurted. "They can't. They work. They're really busy."

"I'm sure if you explained to them that it's for you, they'd come. Ellie, this is for your own good. This is for your life. And your baby's."

"I know! Okay, I know! But, my parents? Come on..."

Dr. Brahm sighed and ran a manicured hand through her curls. "Ellie, I need to speak with someone who lives with you. We need to discuss your diet and-..."

"I don't live with my parents. I live with Sean. Can Sean come?" I'd rather have Sean there. Much rather. My parents being at my session would just drive me crazy.

She seemed hesitant. "I-I guess... Sure, he can sit in. Will you please ask your parents, though? It'd be so much better if they could come."

"Listen, I have to go, Dr. Brahm. Good session."

Now I sound like the therapist.

Sean

I pushed away from the wall when I saw Ellie step out of the building. She looked much better than earlier. I kissed her on the cheek. "How'd it go?"

"It was fine. We colored."

"Your paying her to color with you? I'd color with you."

"Sean."

"I would," I insisted. I took a hold of her hand and brought it to my lips. "So, what's coloring supposed to do?"

"Be therapeutic. Relax me."

"Did it?"

She nodded and gave me a real smile. "Yeah, it did."

"Come on, man!" I drummed my fingers against the console impatiently.

"Chill out! I'm going as fast as I can." Jay pressed harder on the gas pedal, and I flew forward a little.

"But don't kill me, please..."

"I don't understand why we're rushing around anyway. It's not like Ellie's going anywhere. She'll still be there when you get home."

"I know, but I don't want to leave her alone too long. I'm just anxious to get to her."

Jay let his head fall back into the seat and gave a sigh. "You act as if you're already married. It's pathetic."

"Shut up. There! A parking spot. Pull in," I barked orders and pushed my door open before Jay could even stop the car. "Okay, let's make this quick."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... I don't understand why you're getting her coloring books anyways..."

I rolled my eyes. "It's therapic... therapatic... therapactic..."

"Dude, it's pronounced therapytic. Even I know that."

"Okay. It's therapytic. She told me she did it in her session today. I think it helped a lot."

"So, she's paying an assload of money to color?" Jay scoffed. "Can she pay me that? I'll gladly color with her."

I didn't bother responded to his comment. I was too busy looking at the little display of coloring books the grocery store had. Looney Tunes, Barbie, Disney... What am I supposed to get her? "Which one?"

"Barbie. Definitely. She's hot."

"Not for you, idiot. For Ellie."

Jay shrugged and scratched his stomach. "Um, all of them? Maybe?"

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's the best bet. They're not too expensive. Plus, Ellie might go through one really fast."

"Yeah, she's so messed up. She'll have to be coloring constantly to 'relax' her. I think that's a bunch of crap."

I flashed him a glare out of the corner of my eye as I began collecting one of each type of coloring book. In the end, she ended up with two Looney Tunes, four Disney, three Barbie, and a few of Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, and Famous Historical Figures.

"Should I get her crayons or colored pencils?"

"Both."

"You're right." I picked out a big box of crayons and the biggest pack of coloring pencils.

"Just get her the eight pack. It's cheaper."

I rolled my eyes and continued to place the boxes in the cart. "Ellie would be pissed if I just got her eight. She likes having a wide variety of colors."

"Just get her a wide variety of black."

"Very funny," I muttered. "Let's just go pay."

Jay

"Damn, wait up, man. Don't worry, she'll still be there." I hauled ass to keep up with

Sean, who was rushing as if the world was about to end. Sometimes I don't get that boy.

"Will you just leave me alone?"

"What are you talking about?" Seriously, what is his deal? He's been acting all pissed off all night.

"You! You're so annoying. I don't think you realize that I love Ellie more than anything, and I really don't care what you think about it. You can make fun of her all you want, you can bitch about her, but I still love her. Maybe you don't understand what it's like to be with someone like this!"

Okay, now he was sounding all preachy. Who is he to say I've never experienced love before? I'm completely in love with Alex. "You better watch it, you psycho, before I really kick your ass. But you're right about one thing- I don't understand how you can be with someone as looney as she is."

"Ellie's not crazy."

"She is to me!" I tapped the side of my head. "She's messed up, up here. And look how she's changing you! She's making you out to be some pussy. You barely come out with me with anymore-..."

"I have to take care of her!" he growled at me.

"You're sixteen, Sean. You shouldn't have to take care of her all the time. You're supposed to party and do stupid shit and get bad grades. Not be a father."

"You can't stand the fact that I'm trying to be responsible for once. It's something you can never be."

"If responsible means I have to take care of some bitchy, pregnant girlfriend- then you can fucking have it! Tell her to friggin' eat and get it over with!"

"It's not that easy, man. You don't understand..." Sean shook his head and started his way to the car again.

"Man, I tried to. I really did. I just don't. She's stringing you along. She's just trying to get your attention. Leave her!"

Sean stopped walking and turned around. "Leave her?" I could barely hear him. His voice came out scratchy, "How could I leave her? I love her. I want to be with her. Hell, I might even want to marry her someday. Could you just leave Alex? Ellie's pregnant, I'm going to have a baby in a couple of months, and it's messed up that you're telling me to abandon her. What kind of man are you?"

I opened my mouth to respond but he just shook his head and kept on walking.

"Where you going?" I yelled out. "My car's over there!"

"I'm taking the bus. Bye."

The bus?

Ellie

"Thanks!" I wrapped Sean in a hug and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his chin. "Why don't you take your coat off, and we can sit and color or something?" I gazed up at him hopefully. It sucked having him be gone. All I could think about was how it was the perfect opportunity to sneak around and do bad things. I can't sneak around anymore

Sean pushed me away gently and shook his head, his eyes on something above my head. "I'm going to go out for awhile."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Maybe a walk or something. I'll be back soon, though. Okay?"

No, it's not okay. But I nodded briefly and gave him another kiss, this time on the mouth, and, this time, hoping to convince him to stay. "Bye," I said softly and squeezed his hand as he walked away.

I stood in the living room for a moment- trying to figure out what to do now. My backpack was on the couch next to me with only a few exercises in French to be done. Not bad at all considering the hell teachers have been putting us students through so far this week. I grabbed my French workbook and took a place at the coffee table.

Twenty minutes later I was finished with every exercise for that chapter. We were only supposed to do exercises 1-4. I'd done 1-24. "No wonder everyone thinks you're an over-achiever!" I muttered to myself.

A knock sounded on the door. Who could that be? It wasn't Sean... and Jay just walks in without knocking. Maybe it's Alex or Marco. I jumped up and jogged over to the door, excited to see who my visitor is.

"Jay?" I stood back and let him in. He hovered in the doorway, instead. "What's up?" I gave him a suspicious look.

"Is Sean here?"

"No, he went on a walk. Did something happen?"

Jay looked away and then back at me. "Yeah, I pissed him off."

"Oh." Don't they always get each other pissed off. "What about this time?"

"You," he admitted embarrassed.

"Oh." What about me? What did he say? What did Sean say? Was it about...

"Sorry... I said some, uh, not so pretty things."

"I can imagine. So, what do you want?" I wasn't about to show any compassion for this jerk. He's always pulling stuff like this- pissing Sean off and then asking for favors. And now he was talking about me? What did I ever do to him?

"Listen, uh, I know this is stupid of me to ask- you know, since I pissed Sean off and now you're probably mad at me, but, I kind of don't have anywhere else to go." He held up the backpack he was holding in his hand.

Okay, what did that mean? "What do you mean?"

"My mom kicked me out. I can't stay with Lexxi because her mom can't stand me. I really don't have anywhere else-..."

"You can stay."

"What?"

Yeah, what? What had I just done? Sean was not going to be happy...

But I'm a pushover.

"You can sleep on the couch. There will be rules, however. Such as, no partying in the house-..."

"That's not fair! I always have parties here."

My eyes flashed with anger. "Listen, Jay, you're lucky I'm letting you stay here. I'm a pissed off, moody pregnant teenaged girl- my hormones are out of whack- my body aches- my stomach is growing bigger and bigger by the second- and I really can't stand it, okay? So you better watch it. You mess up once, you're out. You're getting one chance. No parties. Seriously, we're trying to get the place together and we don't need a bunch of drunk teenagers tearing it apart."

"Whatever..." he muttered, crossing his arms.

"Second, you do homework at the designated time."

"That's bullshit."

"It's responsible. So, you can join Sean and I for homework time. It usually starts at 6. Third, you're going to have to help out around here- that means helping with the cooking and cleaning. You got that?"

"Yes master," his voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Good."

"Fine!"

"So, are you going to join me in coloring or not?"

Jay

I wrenched the black crayon from Ellie's grasp and started filling in my Barbie's hair. She pouted but opted for a dark brown crayon. I watched her as she carefully filled in her own Barbie's hair. I needed that dark brown for the eyes. As soon as she lifted it up to look at her work so far, I stole it.

"Hey! I was still using that!"

"Tough," I shot back. "Barbie has to have brown eyes."

"There are plenty of other browns in the box, Jay."

"But Lexxi has dark brown eyes. Like this." I held up my picture so far and showed Ellie how Barbie was starting to look like Alex.

She rolled her eyes but gave a little smile. "That's cute," she commented.

"I'm going to pin this up to my ceiling. Right above my bed." My voice trailed off. "Or what was my bed..."

"Why'd they kick you out?"

I lifted an eyebrow. "You sure aren't subtle, are you?"

"Nah. Not when it comes to this. So, why?"

"Eh, you know... just acting out, I guess. My mom found some stuff in my room that she didn't appreciate. Especially since I have a younger brother."

"What kind of stuff?"

"You know what kind of stuff..."

"Drugs!" Ellie stopped coloring and glanced up at me.

"Just a few joints," I corrected defensively.

"Still... drugs..."

I watched her as she took the dark brown crayon back from me and continued to color the hair. She didn't look up at me as she talked. "Don't bring that stuff in here, Jay."

"I won't."

"Jay, I mean it."

She sounded almost scared. Like, if I did, it'd have huge consequences.

"Listen, it's not like I'm going to be living with you guys forever. Your kid isn't going to be wanting to hit a joint at the age of one month."

"God, I hope you aren't around for that long." I could tell she was joking. "I'm not worried about the baby."

"Oh," was all I could say. Who knew... Ellie Nash, princess of honesty and perfection and coolness, was... or had been... into drugs? The thought of it almost made me want to laugh. I couldn't imagine her toking it up. "When?"

"Before I came here."

She was lying.

"When?" I pressed again. We never looked up from our pictures as we talked. We never made eye contact.

"I stopped awhile ago. When I realized I was pregnant. I don't really feel like talking about it..."

I glanced up at her for the first time and saw the pained expression on her face as she colored in her picture. Normally, I would have teased her and said all sorts of shit to her, but, I don't know, tonight's different. "I won't tell Sean."

She gave me a grateful expression and looked back down at her paper, smiling. "So," she started after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "You really like Alex?"

"Of course I do."

"That's good. Cause if you hurt her, I'd kill you."

I chuckled, "Don't worry. Thanks for letting me stay here."

"No problem. Just don't be a hassle. Don't distract Sean. He's doing well."

I gave a frustrated sigh. "You know, Sean never used to be like this."

"Like what? Responsible, determined, happy? You're right. Sean's never done this well before. Sean's going places Jay. You could too."

"Oh really? And who's going to help me? You?" I teased.

Ellie looked up at me with doe eyes and set her crayon down. "I could."

"No thanks."

"Seriously, Jay."

"Nah."

"Jay..."

"El..."

She didn't pressure me after that. We sat in silence the rest of the time we colored, just enjoying our moments of relaxation. I finished my picture of Alex, Ellie finished her picture of a brunette, green-eyed Barbie. I pretended to break a crayon and she freaked out. It was almost sort of like having a friend... I don't think I've ever had a girl as a friend before. Alex is my girlfriend and Amy's always been... well... a ho. We're laughing and being civil to each other now, but what about when Sean comes home? Will it all change?

"Jay... I'll talk to Sean."

Ellie put a comforting hand on my shoulder and squeezed before heading off into her bedroom. Maybe she isn't so bad. She still changed Sean a little too much, but maybe she won't be the girlfriend from Hell once I get to know her. I mean, she seemed pretty cool tonight. Who knows, maybe we can even become serious friends.

I don't know. She surprises me. I bash her. I have nowhere else to go and no one else to turn to.

And she lets me in.

so there it is. sorry it took me so long to update it. next chapter- who knows waht i'll have. hope you enjoyed it!