Chapter 20: The Sharp Hint of New Tears
Expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong,
while you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing,
and I wish that I was gone.
Sean
I splashed the cold water on my face. The night had been long and restless. Before, I could fall asleep the moment I hit the sheets. Now, after growing so accustomed to falling asleep with Ellie in my arms, a night without her was sleepless and spent tossing and turning. I'm fully aware of how wimpy I sound- how whipped. But I'm not.
And that realization has got me just a little pissed that I gave in so easily last night. It didn't take five minutes before I was apologizing up and down to her- for things she was doing wrong. It's not exactly fair when you think about it. Every time she gets on my case and tries to "help" me, it's okay. It's the right thing. And I'm just wrong if I don't follow her advice. But when I try and help her out, it's a whole different story. Instead of being there for her, I'm the evil boy who's forcing her and being insensitive.
I guess I could have told my parents about her in a more appropriate setting, but I don't think about that stuff ahead of time. It's not like I went to dinner knowing I'd reveal her eating disorder to my mom and dad. And basically the whole restaurant. It wasn't planned out or calculated. It was spur of the moment. A mistake. If she had done the same thing to me, she'd be making me feel guilty for yelling at her for a mistake. Why don't I get the same privilege?
"Yo, Cameron! Some of us need to use the bathroom, too, you know?" Jay pounded on the door.
I patted my face dry and stared at my bloodshot eyes. Great. Now she'll think I spent the entire night crying over her. Okay, so I was close. But no one needs to know that. I'm under enough stress as it is without being known as some emotional wreck. Between taking care of a pregnant girlfriend who constantly has mood swings, working, and dealing with my deadbeat best friend living in the house, things aren't so easy for me lately. Oh, and add two non-existent parents suddenly appearing out of nowhere, and I've got myself a motive for murder.
"Aw, we're you crying?" Jay faked a pout and pushed past me.
"Yeah, I sure was," I responded sarcastically.
I shuffled into my small bedroom, past the countless piles of Ellie's dirty clothes all over the floor, and threw open one of my drawers. Ugh. And, once again, she has managed to take over all of my drawers. I grabbed her pile of underwear stuffed in the midst of my drawer and tossed them onto the ground. I rifled through the drawer until I found a shirt that Ellie would totally disapprove of. Next I grabbed my baggiest pair of jeans and pulled them on. The final piece- my hat. Ellie hates this hat. And because of her, I haven't been wearing it lately.
I glanced at the clock next to my bed and saw I had a good ten minutes to kill before Jay would be ready. Well, what else is there to do but more silent protesting? I pulled my homework from last night out of my backpack and erased some of the answers. I filled in the empty spots with random numbers and stared at my handiwork. This math worksheet is now worthy of a... D. D+ if I'm lucky. My eyes scanned the room for something else I could do. A smile crept across my face when my sight fell upon the shelf of movies and DVDs. It's perfect. Why didn't I think of it before?
I rearranged all the DVDs, out of order. Next, the CDs. Then, the cereal boxes. The best part was Ellie's bookshelf. I hate that bookshelf. It's a constant reminder of how much smarter she is than me. I threw a few books around the room. One landed on the kitchen table, right in the middle of Jay's disgusting bowl of macaroni and cheese he had left out last night. Perfect. When she comes home, she's going to freak. The thought of her going crazy, and me getting my small revenge, makes me smile.
Ellie
I wrapped my leather jacket tighter around myself and got on my tip-toes to look for Sean over the crowd. Where is he? There's only three minutes left until homeroom starts, and, so far, I haven't seen him. A nervous flutter started growing in my stomach, and I willed myself to go ahead to class without talking to him. He'll find me later. We always find each other.
"What's up, El?" Marco threw his arm around me and I gave him a smile.
"Not much. I was just looking for Sean," I shrugged.
"Yeah, Ashley said you guys got in a fight?"
"Trust Ashley to tell everyone. You know, sometimes I don't know what I saw in the girl..." I was joking. Kind of. I know it's not that big of a deal that- oooh, Sean and I got into a fight... because, well, who doesn't?- but, still, she acted so insulted that I suggested that she has a big mouth. Which she does. Point proven just now. "It's not big deal. We're just going to spend a few days apart."
"Ouch. Well, I hope things clear up. And, you know, if you need someone to talk to, I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks. But I think I have it under control.
I hope.
I still have yet to talk to my parents. They are not going to be happy. At all. My dad really liked Sean, too. Sure, it took him awhile to get over the whole Sean getting me pregnant thing, but he was really starting to like him. He wanted to take him golfing so they could get to know each other. My dad doesn't make time to go golfing with just anybody. My mom is a different story; she's a lot harder to warm up to. But I think that even she was starting to get over being angry at Sean. If my mom didn't like Sean, she would have found a way to get rid of him a long time ago.
And now that's gone. And all because Sean had to go and make a scene at the restaurant. It wasn't even just the whole "anorexic" thing (thought that played a huge part of it and was the final straw) but just the way he was acting from the very beginning: he kept trying to compare his parents to mine, he made smart-ass comments about his parents's financial situation, he overreacted when he spilled a little soup on himself, just everything... And now his parents thing I'm some psycho who won't be able to take care of a baby. And I so can take care of a baby. I've been preparing for this for years- taking care of my mom, working with the kids at the orphanage and day care, the baby project at school...
Every mother is afraid of their parenting capabilities. I'm nervous- I'm not afraid to admit it. Being a mom at sixteen scares the hell out of me. I mean, what does this mean for me exactly? I know I plan on finishing school and going to college and I believe that everything will work out, but will it? I mean, will I be able to leave my baby and go back to school? Everyone talks about the special bond between a mother and child and how hard it is for new mother's to leave their babies. That scares me because I have so much planned for myself, but what if I can't do it? I'm not saying staying at home with my baby is a bad thing- I hold stay-at-home mom's with the highest regard- but I've always planned on going on and doing something like... ugh... I'll admit it- acting or directing movies or even teaching. Will I fulfill all of my dreams?
"Ellie?" a hand shook my shoulder and I turned in my seat.
"Craig?" I lifted my eyebrows and gave him a look that basically said "thanks for scaring the shit out of me".
"Are you going to your... session today?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah... Wanna walk together?"
"Sure."
"Cool." He gave me a smile and went back to tapping his pencil against his desk to some rhythm.
Ugh. And I really need to talk to Dr. Brahm today. After the events of last night, I think she's the only one who can help me clear my thoughts. As much as I hate to admit it, she's really helping me think things through- not just about my eating, either. About school, the baby, my family, my friends... Everything seems a lot easier when you have someone to talk to who's not going to criticize you or something. Movement outside the room caught my attention and craned my head to peek out the door.
Sean! I bit my lip as I watched him laugh with Jay and push a freshman into a row of lockers. Why the hell is he acting like that? I can't stand when people bully others. It's so... inhumane. I shook my head and forced myself to look away. I don't need to see that. I don't need another reason to be angry with him.
"Hey! Wait up!"
I turned around and pushed my hair out of my face. The wind just whipped it right back. Why is Craig running after me?
"I thought we were walking together."
Oh. Yeah. "Yeah, sorry. I'm a little distracted." What an understatement...
Craig scratched his head and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Why?"
Should I even say anything? I mean, can I trust him? Do I even want to tell anyone about my problems? I lifted a shoulder, "I don't know. I haven't talked to Sean once today. He's avoiding me."
"That's a jerk move. Is it about the whole fight thing?"
Damnit! Who didn't Ashley tell? I shot Craig an annoyed look and kept on walking. We walked quietly for awhile. The anxiety of being a good mom is starting to come back to me. I know I shouldn't worry this much, but I just can't help it. I want the absolute best for my baby- the best home, the best schools, the best friends, the best everything.
"Worried?"
I turned my attention back to Craig. "What?"
"You're wringing your hands. Are you worried?"
"Kind of..."
"About the baby?"
"Yeah... the baby, my family, Sean, my appointment today... Everything has me worried." I let out a shaky sigh, as if to prove my point.
Craig wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. "Hey! Don't worry at all. You're going to have a beautiful baby, your family is going to be great, Sean will always love you, and there's no reason to be worried about your appointment."
"Thanks, Craig." I gave him a small smile and reached up to squeeze the hand resting casually on my shoulder.
"Hey, what are friends for?"
Dr. Brahm closed her notebook and set it on her desk, pulling her chair closer to me. "Sounds like dinner was tough."
"It was."
"I bet you were really angry at Sean."
"I was. Still kind of am..." I stared at my hands. I just want to go back to Ashley's and take a nap. This day has been incredibly stressful and frustrating.
Dr. Brahm gave me a smile and clasped her hands in her lap. "Well, I know you don't want to hear this, but... have you ever considered how Sean is feeling?"
"How he's feeling about what?" I snapped. I'm the one who's pregnant. Not him. It's like no one even fucking cares that I feel like my life is over.
"Hey, don't act like that. I'm just trying to help you realize that maybe Sean is a little nervous about the pregnancy, too. He's probably scared for you, for the baby, for himself... Ellie, he loves you, and you admitting your eating disorder to him, probably scared the hell out of him!"
I huffed and crossed my arms. "Are you supposed to be talking to me like this? You don't really sound like a therapist right now. You sound more like an amateur."
She stared me straight in the eye, "Ellie, calm down. I'm not trying to attack you. I'm trying to help you. He loves you. I saw it at the baby shower. It's so obvious. Don't blame him for a simple mistake."
"Simple mistake? He told a lie to his parents about me."
"Since when is your eating disorder a lie?"
"It just... Don't do this to me. Do you know how hard this is for me?"
She just kept staring at me. Why isn't she being sympathetic towards me? She's supposed to comfort me and tell me I'm right. And she's not.
"You were doing so well. And now you're backpedaling. I don't understand... Did something happen this weekend to trigger you to go back-..."
"I don't have an eating disorder anymore, okay? I'm fine now!"
She put a hand to her mouth, "Oh sweetie... Honey, this won't ever go away. Believe me."
"Yes, it will." What is she talking about? It will go away. It already has gone away. I'm fine now. I'm eating, I'm not throwing up, I'm not taking diet pills... I'm going to deliver a healthy baby. I can feel the tears coming to my eyes, and I just want to smack myself across the face at how stupid I'm being. I need to stay strong. This is the only way I'll get through this.
"No," she repeated softly. "It won't."
I gave her the silent treatment. Who is she to say I won't get better? I wish she'd just shut up. And to think, I was actually starting to like her. She's not helping me. She's just making it worse.
"You don't have to feel ashamed, Ellie. A lot of people struggle with image problems..."
"Not feel ashamed? What do you mean 'not feel ashamed'? Of course, I'm ashamed!" I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "I have to deliver a healthy baby. Everyone probably thinks I'm evil for what I was doing."
Her hand found mine and she held it loosely in hers. "Listen to me, Ellie. You're recovering, but you're not fine. And you have an amazing support group- your family, Sean, your friends, me... You're not in this alone, and everyone understands that it's a lifelong commitment to getting better."
I ducked my head and stared at my lap. I just want to be better. I don't want to have to worry about what I"m putting in my mouth and how many calories a cracker has and whether or not I'll have gained five pounds by the next day. I just want to go on living my life. What life? I don't even know if I know what it's like to not worry about food... I don't. I don't even know what it's to be normal. How pathetic.
"I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry, Ellie. But I am saying that you need to look at it from Sean's view, too. He's hurting, too. He has feelings, too. And, I'm sorry to say this, but you're not always going to be right."
I gripped the edge of the chair and willed myself not to start throwing punches. Who does she think she is talking to me in that little self-satisfied tone? She loves telling me I'm wrong. That's her job. And she's getting money for it. "I'm really tired," I found my voice. It came out dry and raspy. "I just want to go home."
Dr. Brahm let out a little sigh and stood up. "I really wish you'd open up more, Ellie. We were making such good headway before."
I didn't respond. I just grabbed my bag and threw it onto my shoulder. Who needs her. Who needs Sean. Who needs anyone. I can take care of myself. I already have taken care of myself for seven years. As I started to pass through the door, I felt her hand come down on my shoulder. I fought the urge to shake it off.
"Just think about what I said. Think about Sean and his feelings. Not just your own."
Oh, so now I'm selfish. Well, good. I've never been selfish before in my life, so I guess this is a good time to start. From now on, I don't care about anyone but myself. And this baby. I don't care about my family, Sean, my friends, school, nothing. It's not like anyone would care- Sean already made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me by the way he acted today. He avoided me and he ignored me. And I'm not going to take that.
My cell phone rang, and I dug through my bag to retrieve it. The caller ID blinked with my mom's cell phone number. Why is she calling?
"Hello?" I answered, curious as to what she wanted.
"Hi sweetie."
Ugh. Sweetie. My mom only calls me that when she's in a manipulative mood.
"Yeah?"
"I just wanted to see how you're doing. You know, since Sean was so incredibly hateful to you last night."
Obviously, she's up to something. I could agree and whine to her about everything and let her use it against me in the future, or I could set the record straight with her. "Listen, mom. I know what you're trying to do. You want to turn me against Sean because of how he acted last night."
"I do not-..."
"Save it. I know you. I've gone through this for years. And it's not working this time, mom. I love Sean, he loves me, we're going to be a family, and there is nothing you can do about it. He made a mistake last night. So stop trying to turn me against him!" I hate having to defend my relationship with Sean. Why can't everyone just see that we love each other and we make each other happy? Isn't that the most important thing?
"Well!" my mom huffed. I heard her rustling around in the background. "Excuse me for calling to check up on my daughter..."
A pang of guilt ran throughout my body. Why does she have to go and do that? She always makes me feel guilty for her problems. Call it the "daughter of an alcoholic mother" complex. "Sorry," I gave in.
"Okay, well... I was just checking up on you, I guess. Are you staying at Ashley's again tonight?"
"Yeah, I think I'll stay one or two more nights."
"You can always come home."
"I kind of need a break from everything."
She wasn't pleased with my answer. "I'm really trying to be here for you, Ellie. I know what you're going through. I think this could be really good for our relationship. I know you haven't been able to fully trust me because of... before. I'm really trying, though."
I looked both ways before crossing the street. "I know, mom. You're right, it is hard... I want to trust you, but I need more time. Okay?"
"Okay," her voice sounded strained. "Maybe you could come over tomorrow for dinner?"
I agreed and hung up the phone. Maybe I can clear Sean's name during dinner. I can't have my parents be angry with him forever, can I? And I guess I can't be angry with him forever, either... As much as I hate to admit it, I'm ready to forgive him. I hate being mad and pissed off about everything. I blame it on the hormones, but I also know it's me. I need to work on myself.
Think about Sean and his feelings. Not just your own.
You're not always going to be right...
Errr! Why can't I always be right? That's how it's always been. Why does it have to stop now? I don't mean to sound all pouty and everything, but it's a huge slap in the face to have someone say that to me. I think I've been handed a few slap in the faces lately. Let me say it- it never gets easier. Each slap hurts as much as the one before...
Sean
"Are you sure?" I glanced over at Tracker and gripped the door handle. "Is this really necessary?"
Tracker groaned and hit his head against the steering wheel. "Hey, little bro, you need to go talk to her. She is her mom. Who knows, maybe she'll be your mother-in-law one of these days."
I snorted and opened the door. "Yeah, right... That witch? Come around in five minutes."
"You better be talking to her for longer than five minutes..."
"Pick me up in five minutes," I repeated. Like Mrs. Nash would allow me to get a word in anyway. I'm sure she'll spend the entire time scrutinizing everything about me, yelling at me, telling me how I'm ruining Ellie's life... I'll be anyone $1,000 that she calls me an embarrassment or a hoodlum. Embarrassment or hoodlum- those are her words for me. I put a $1,000 down on it.
I opened the glass door and walked inside. Pretty nice. Okay, really nice. Now this is an office... I gave a hesitant smile at the receptionist and made myself step forward. Okay, one foot in the front of the other. Why the hell is Ellie's mom making me into some... wimp? Okay, I guess the fact that she's one scary... well, I won't say what I think of her... but she's scary as hell.
"Can I help you?" the blonde tossed her soft curls to one side and gave me a bright smile.
Hey, friendly... "I'm here to see Mrs. Na- Elisabeth Nash? "
"Do you have an appointment?"
"No, I'm kind of... well, I'm Ellie's boyfriend?"
"Eleanor? Oh! Well, have a seat, and I'll tell her you're here," she picked up the phone and started to dial.
"Thanks," I gave a wan smile and took a seat in one of the cushy chairs in the waiting area. There's a waiting area at an interior design firm? I guess this is my first time in an interior design firm... I glanced at the stack of magazines sitting on the table next to me. Shifting through them, I found myself disappointed that there were no car magazines. What kind of place is this?
"Excuse me, but Elisabeth would like to know if you're here on business?"
I shot an incredulous look at the receptionist. Is she kidding me? "Oh yeah... I need some guidance on how to decorate my kitchen," I shot back with dripping sarcasm.
The receptionist blinked and uncovered the phone. "He says he's here about a kitchen?"
Is she serious? What is she thinking?
"I'm sorry, sir... Elisabeth won't be able to see you today. She doesn't do kitchens."
I lunged out of the chair and crossed the space between me and the desk. "I'm not here on business- I'm here to talk to her about her daughter. Please, I need to see her."
"It's nice to see you beg, Sean..."
I turned around and glared at the woman in the doorway. Elisabeth Nash smiled cooly back at me and tapped her nails against the doorframe. She checked her watch quickly. "I guess I can spare a few minutes to hear you grovel... speak..."
Is she for real? I really don't have to take this. Still, I'll swallow my pride for the sake of Ellie. I followed her into her office and took a seat at one of the chairs in front of her mahogany desk. She perched herself in her large chair behind her desk and folded her hands on the surface in front of her. "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to-..."
"Embarrass my daughter even more? Make another scene in front of a crowd? Ruin a perfectly good evening?"
It took all I had not to throw myself across that desk and wring her neck. She stared at me with pursed lips and leaned back a little in her seat.
"You know, Sean... I was really starting to like you. I was beginning to get over the fact that you're nothing but an ignorant hoodlum."
There you go. Where can I collect my $1,000? Just as I predicted, she called me a hoodlum. Hell, she even threw in ignorant. Even better. My eyes flickered over her office. Awards and degrees hanging on the walls, a bookshelf full of books, a few displays of color swatches and designs... And a few framed photos scattered along her desk. One in particular caught my attention. It must have been taken in France because the Nash's were in front of the Eiffel Tower. How touristy. Christian and Elisabeth hugged as Ellie stood off to one side- almost as if she didn't belong.
I picked up the picture and investigated it. "I'm surprised you didn't cut Ellie out of the picture. Everyone knows how much you hate her. How much you hurt her."
I knew that would get her. It would hit her in her most vulnerable spot. Like all mothers, she doesn't want to hear that she is a bad one. Just as I suspected, Elisabeth snatched the picture back from me and stared at her. "You can just shut the hell up. I love my daughter."
"Not that anyone could tell. You treat her like crap. You make her take care of you. You abandon her. What kind of mother are you?"
She set the picture down and grasped the edge of her desk. She couldn't even look me in the eyes. "You're lucky I'm a decent woman... Otherwise, I'd kill you for that remark," she looked up at me, and I saw the actual vulnerability in her eyes. "Don't you think I feel guilty enough for what I've done to her? I'm trying to make it up to her. But don't you ever doubt my love for her. I would do anything for her."
"No, I would do anything for her."
"I didn't realize my daughter was some prize."
"She's not."
"Then why are you trying to be the bigger man here? Can't we both care about her? Why are you being so selfish about it?"
Me. Selfish. I dropped my shoulders and looked out of the window to my right. The sky was starting to darken. It's going to rain. How fitting.
"We all have problems, Sean. Me. Christian. Even Ellie."
"So you admit she has a problem."
"Of course she does. I've been her mother for sixteen years and eight months."
"Eight months?"
"Eight months of pregnancy. Ellie was pre-mature. The point is, we thought she was better. We sent her to a hospital. A special program. Obviously, it didn't help."
"She needs more than just a special program. She needs you guys to talk to her about it. And be there for her." I can't believe I'm actually having a regular... sort of... conversation with Ellie's mom. This isn't natural. We should be screaming at each other or something.
She flicked an invisible piece of lint off of her sweater. "We're trying, but it's hard."
"So hard that you'll ignore that you daughter is slowly killing herself?"
"She's getting better. This new therapist is really helping her."
"Yeah, she's helping her, but it's not making her completely better. The first step of solving a problem is admitting you have a problem. Well, Ellie's admitted it, more or less. Now it's your turn. Your daughter has a serious problem. Admit it."
"I have."
"In front of her."
"Ellie already hates me as it is. I don't need to give her another reason."
I stood up. This conversation is over. "Ellie doesn't hate you. She should. But she's too good of a person to hate someone."
Ellie's mom awkwardly stood up, too. "Thanks," she responded uncomfortably.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and rocked on the heels of my shoes. "Listen... the main reason I came here was to... apologize. For dinner. I didn't mean to make a scene."
She folded her arms and gave a tentative smile. "Happens to the best of us. Believe me, I've done worse at office parties. Alcohol and kareoke don't go well with me."
I was surprised to hear myself actually laughing.
"Listen, Sean... Ellie might be a little mad with you, but she still... loves you. We talked earlier, and she's still defending you."
Hearing that made my heart skip a beat. She's still defending me. "That's good."
"She's crazy about you... I'm trying to understand why. But her father isn't so forgiving. He's ready to hire a hit man to take care of you."
I gave a nervous smile and started to edge my way out the door. "Maybe you can clear things up with him?"
She smirked, "Or you can. I'll tell him to expect you."
I gave a small wave goodbye and got out of the firm as fast as I could. Of course, Tracker is as unreliable as usual. I glanced at my watch. He should have been here fifteen minutes ago. I sighed and leaned against the building. Okay, so a few things were resolved by this meeting: Ellie's mom forgives me for what happened at the restaurant; I know Ellie still loves me; I know Ellie's dad wants to kill me; and... who knows, maybe today was the start of a lukewarm relationship between Ellie's mom and me. I sort of feel like I know her now... I mean, she's not the nicest lady around. But at least I know she's not the witch I thought she was. More like misunderstood. Which I can understand. I can totally understand.
I hope you guys liked this chapter. It took me awhile to write, but hopefully it pays off. I did a little foreshadowing in this- I don't know if you guys will notice yet what I foreshadowed, but... it's something. Next chapter: Alex sets Ellie straight; Tracker and Sean do a little brother bonding; Sean sees Ellie's dad in a new light; Ellie admits that she's wrong.Thanks for the wonderful reviews!