obviously the lyrics belong to Oasis...
Chapter 25: Wonderwall
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...
Because maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me.
And after all,
you're my wonderwall...
Sean
My face scrunched up in a painful expression as I watched Ellie let out another bloodcurdling scream. I really don't know whether or not I should be taping her at this moment. I mean, is she really going to want to relive this pain again and again whenever she watches the DVD? I don't think so... Still... it's a special moment. And I'm sure if I didn't tape every single moment, she'd kill me later on. So that settles it. I lifted the camera back up and pressed record, despite Ellie's cries.
"It fucking hurts!" she screamed, clutching the pillow behind her head.
"Come on, man. Isn't there anything you can give her?" I pressed Dr. Martin.
He shook his head. "It's too late for any medicine. Ellie, you're going to be fine. You have to breathe, remember."
"Yeah, sweetie. Remember to breathe. Like this!" Ellie's mom started breathing and Ellie followed her lead. I smiled.
I swung the camera over to the other side of the room and taped Mr. Nash's back. He was facing the wall, not wanting to watch, but wanting to be there for everything. He snuck a glance, and I saw that his face had achieved a rather green tint. He quickly looked back at the wall and leaned his hands against it. Believe me, I know how you feel.
I was exhausted. Between rushing here from work and listening to Ellie screaming about the pain and how scared she was, I was tired. I sighed out loud and adjusted the camera to the other hand.
"What are you looking at?" Ellie snapped, glaring at the camera. "What are you sighing about? I don't see you over hear pushing this... this... this thing out of you. I don't ever want to hear you sigh again. You hear me?"
I slowly backed up and blinked a few times. "Uh... okay?" Damn. I thought Pregnant Ellie was scary. Giving Birth Ellie was terrifying.
"Why isn't he paying attention to me, mommy? Daddy, do something! Sean, why don't you even care?" Ellie complained, shaking her head side to side.
"I'm right here, Ellie!" I handed off the camera to her mom and took her place next to Ellie. I held Ellie's hand in mine and gave it a comforting squeeze.
Mrs. Nash let out an impatient groan and started tapping her high-heeled foot. "Dr. Martin, not to sound impatient or anything, but can we get this show on the road?"
"Well, Elisabeth, these things take time. I just can't go in there and grab it out."
"And why not? You're a licensed doctor, aren't you?"
"I think you've been through the process before... Haven't you?" he raised an eyebrow and continued to examine Ellie.
"Well, I just don't like seeing my daughter in so much pain."
"Well, if she'd push like we've been asking her, maybe the baby would be out by now. Hear that, Ellie?"
"Yeah, I hear ya," she growled. She grabbed me by the collar and yanked my face towards hers. "Listen, buddy, you're never getting any ever again. You hear me? I'm never having sex with you again. Ever."
She released me and covered her face with her hands. This is a nightmare. It really is. Any minute now, I'll wake up in bed, and Ellie will be next to me. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Once I reach ten, the nightmare will be over. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
Nope. Nightmare's only beginning.
Ellie
I choked back another sob as I tried to push. "I wish you'd leave. I don't want to see you," I muttered to Sean.
He raised his eyebrows and let go of my hand. "Is that really what you want?" He started to walk away.
"No!" I sobbed, reaching out my hands. "Come back!" He was just way too cute in his scrubs. And I was way too lonely.
He smiled and kissed me on the forehead, whispering to me that I was doing a great job. I tried to smile back, but I couldn't. I couldn't really concentrate on anything else but the pain. "Oh God. Please give me drugs."
"Sorry, sweetie," A nurse sang as she checked my IV. I wanted to punch her in the face.
I pouted and tried to push harder as Dr. Martin was instructing me to do. "Push, Ellie. Push!"
"Argh!" I grunted, squeezing Sean's hand as hard as I could. I pushed again and let out a series of wails.
"It's head is crowning!" Dr. Martin announced, a goofy smiling spreading across his face.
I couldn't help but smile a little myself. "Really?" I asked breathlessly. I tried to push even harder. If his head was already starting to show, the rest of the baby couldn't be too far behind.
"Mom, are you getting it?" I asked in between grunts and pushes.
She adjusted the video camera and nodded. "Yes. Oh, Ellie..." she breathed. "Beautiful," she murmured.
Sean swallowed hard and started to look a little sick. "Are you okay?" he asked.
I glared at him. I gave another exhausting push.
"You're doing wonderful. Almost there. There you go. Okay, just a few more pushes Ellie. Just a few more."
I anxiously pushed and pushed.
"Oh my God!" my mom squealed.
My dad turned around from his permanent position facing the wall and hurried over to my mom. I desperately tried to see what was going on, but couldn't. My eyes were blurred with tears and sweat. "What?" I asked, my voice strained.
"Congratulations Ellie and Sean. You have a beautiful baby boy."
Dr. Martin held up my brand new baby boy, and I sunk into the sheets with relief. Sobs overtook my body as I stared at the perfect little boy being held out in front of me. Sean stared in amazement as helped clean the baby; he couldn't even form a word other than "perfect". He repeated it over and over again. He turned to look at me and our eyes met.
There are moments in life that can change our paths forever. Moments where tragedy strikes and moments of first glances of first love and moments of self-discovery... Moments that strike you speechless and leave you with so many questions as to why. This was one of those moments. This moment began our journey of full-fledged parenthood. And we both knew it. The look in our eyes as we stared at each other said it all. We were ready.
"Four pounds and three ounces, Miss Nash." Dr. Martin held my baby boy out in front of me, and I reached up with a hand to touch his little fingers. He was so tiny.
"He's perfect," I whispered. I ran my fingers over his tiny fingers and over his little head. I could feel a little hair already there. "He's so beautiful."
"NICU is prepared," a nurse informed Dr. Martin. He nodded and pulled the baby back.
"Ellie, Sean... your baby will have to stay under observation in theNeonatal Intensive Care Unituntil he's strong enough to go home. He'll be-..."
"No!" I cried out. I reached out for my baby, fresh tears spilling over my cheeks. "I want him!" Don't even tell me I just went through seven months of pregnancy and God knows how many hours of labor to have my baby taken away from me.
Sean placed a hand on my head and stroked my hair softly. "It'll be okay, Ellie. Is this necessary, Dr. Martin?"
"Yes. I know it's hard for you to have to let go of him, but we need to observe him 24/7 to make sure he's healthy and grows. You understand, don't you?"
I gazed at the tiny face of my baby. His little eyes, his little nose, his little mouth, his little chin. All I want to do is hold him and tell him how much I love him and how I'm going to give him everything he will ever want and need. I want to look like that picture-perfect family after the birth of their first child. The mom and dad on the bed and the little baby in the mom's arms. I want that perfect scenario. "Yes," my voice cracked.
I didn't understand, though. Why did my baby have to be born prematurely? Why did he have to suffer? I know why. Because I was too selfish and practically starved him. I clenched my jaw and thought of all the times I had denied myself food, even while I was pregnant. I'm just a selfish. That's all I am. I'm not even worthy of having this baby.
I held back my tears as I kissed my baby on the forehead and watched him go out the door with the nurse. Sean wiped at my cheeks and kissed me gently on the mouth. "You want to wait awhile before visitors?" he asked, nuzzling my neck.
I stared at the blank wall in front of me, not really hearing him. What if the baby didn't make it? What if he died because of me? I don't think I could handle that. I really wouldn't be able to handle that.
"Ellie?"
"Hmm?" I gave my attention to Sean.
"You're really quiet. Are you tired?"
"Yes."
"I bet you are. Do you want to rest?"
"Just... stay with me. I'm really lonely right now," my voice broke. I entwined my fingers with his and held on for dear life.
"He's going to be fine. He's going to be perfect. Did you see how perfect he was?"
I nodded, a small smile making it's way on my face.
"Ten toes, ten fingers... He's already got some hair."
I smiled even more. "Did you see his little ears? They were so soft!"
"He looks just like you."
"No, he looks just like you."
"You."
"You."
"Both of us," Sean compromised.
I thought about the little miracle Sean and I had made.
"You still want to name him Brayden?" Sean wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.
"Yes," I asnwered. "Brayden Lee."
"Brayden Lee Nash. Has a nice ring to it."
"Who said he'd have my name?"
"Why wouldn't he?"
"I don't know." Of course I wanted Brayden to have my last name, but I still wanted everyone to know he was Sean's too. Didn't Sean want everyone to know that Brayden was his?
"Do you want him to be Brayden Lee Cameron?"
"No. Yes. I don't know."
"Well, I have a feeling I know what your parents want."
"Who cares what they want," I pouted. Okay, yeah, I care, but... it's my baby.
"You care. That's who." Sean gave me a wry smile and massaged my shoulder.
"So, what do you want to do? We can't not give him a last name."
"I kind of want him to have your name."
"Really?" I gave Sean a skeptical look.
"Yeah. Really. It doesn't mean he's not my baby. He just has your last name. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Yeah, I guess so."
A knock sounded on the door and I stiffened. Oh God. I can only imagine who that could be. It could be Dr. Martin telling me that Brayden is dead. Or it could be a nurse coming to tell me that Brayden will have to stay in NICU for months. Or it could be...
My parents.
"Sweetie!" My mom floated over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, perching herself on the other side of me on the bed. My dad stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders. "We followed Dr. Martin and the nurses as they took the baby to the NICU. He's going to be fine. Don't worry."
"He looks great, Elle-bear. He already looks stronger."
I knew my dad was trying to help me stay calm. I could see the worry in his eyes. He was trying to cover up how worried he was.
"We've named him," I announced. My parents stared at me expectantly. "Brayden Lee."
I watched closely for my parents's reactions. I could see tears building up in my mom's eyes as she thought of Brayden. My dad bowed his head and stared at his hands for awhile. They both had loved Brayden so much. They had adored him. My dad wanted to pay for his law school education. He wanted to help him set up his own firm. My mom had even warmed up to his little twin brother and sister. My mom's not known for her warmth.
"I know it might be hard at first to call him that. It makes me think of him so much, but I always knew I wanted to name my first son Brayden." My voice was tearful, and I wanted to smack myself for letting my guard down so much. For letting everyone see how vulnerable I really am when it comes to this.
My dad was the first to say anything. "I think it's a perfect name. He'd make his namesake proud."
My mom nodded in agreement and stroked my arm. "Your friends want to see you."
"Who's out there?"
"Marco, Jay, Alex, Tracker," Sean listed. "Ashley... and Paige."
"Paige?"
"Yeah, weird, huh?"
"Yeah. Weird."
"Do you want me to tell them to come back later or come in or what?"
I thought about it for a second. I don't know. I didn't really feel like seeing anyone. I kind of wanted everyone to leave. I was just tired of talking and thinking and feeling. I shook my head. "I'd rather not see them tonight."
Sean kissed me on the forehead and walked to the door. "I'll tell them."
"And I'm kind of tired. Do you mind not coming back either?"
He stopped in mid-step and looked back at me. "Really?"
"Yeah. Really." I looked at my parents next and gave them a pointed look. "You guys, too?"
"Well," my mom glanced warily at my father and frowned. "I guess. If we have to."
"Yes, you have to," I confirmed. I watched as all three shuffled out, sending me looks before shutting the door behind them.
Good. I snuggled deeper into my blankets and stared at the ceiling. I can just see it now. I'll fall asleep and be woken up by Dr. Martin. He'll tell me that Brayden's lungs had stopped working suddenly. They were just too underdeveloped despite the medication. I could see his chest rising and falling and then not moving at all anymore. The nurses would rush over and try and revive him but it'd be too late.
Dammit, Ellie. Why are you thinking this? I shook my head roughly and tried to keep the thoughts out of my imagination. I had to stop thinking about this stuff. It's not healthy. I need to be optimistic again and believe that Brayden will be alright. He will be alright.
As I fell asleep, I was already picking out an epitaph.
Ashley
"Ellie?" I whispered, knocking on the door softly. She had been in the hospital now forthree days and was still refusing to see anyone. She wouldn't even see Sean.
She stirred slightly in her bed but didn't open her eyes. I snuck in and shut the door behind me quietly. I hadn't told anyone I was coming to the hospital after school. I didn't want anyone offering to come with me. Maybe if it's just me, Ellie will see me.
I pulled a chair over to the bed and put a hand on hers. Her eyes flew open and she stiffened. "What?" she asked sharply, not meeting my eyes.
"Hey," I greeted, a little confused by her cold behavior.
"Hi," she drawled, staring at her nails and picking at them.
"So... how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine. I'm not the one in the NICU."
"I know that, Ellie. I'm just... you won't see anyone. Is something going on?"
She stared at me icily, "I'm tired. So what of it?"
I cleared my throat nervously and tried again. "Have you seen Brayden today?"
"Brayden's dead."
"No... No, he's not. I just saw him." I sat up straighter in my chair. What is she talking about? I had just passed the NICU and saw Brayden in there. Ellie's parents were down there looking at him, too.
"Oh, you're talking about the baby. Yeah, they wheeled me down there to see him."
"Aren't you excited, Ellie? Pretty soon you'll be able to take him home with you! You can add the blue accents to the nursery now!"
"Yay," she drawled. She folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips. "I'm really tired, Ashley. So... if you don't mind?"
"Yeah, I do mind, Ellie. What's wrong with you? You've never been one to do the whole doom and gloom act. That's my job, remember? You won't see anyone, you barely talk, you're always sleeping... What's going on? You can tell me."
She rolled her eyes and gave me a stony look. "Listen, Ash... I really appreciate you trying to cheer me up or whatever, but I'm fine. I'm being realistic here. There's a chance that Brayden could die."
"And there's a chance that I could die. And that you could die. And Sean could die. There's a chance that anyone could die. Brayden's going to live. I don't like seeing you like this. I want the old Ellie back."
"Get out."
I grabbed my coat and stood up. I was shaking with anger. I gave her one last look before walking out of the room. I just don't understand what happened to her. She's not the same warm and caring person that she used to be. Sure, Ellie's always had a serious side to her. She's always worried a little. She's always been a bit dramatic. But this is too much. This is just way out of left field.
As I walked down the street towards the bus stop, I threw one last glance at the hospital. Ellie's in there. She's probably sleeping. Or inspecting her nails. And she has a baby boy who's in the NICU and needs her. And it doesn't even seem like she cares.
But I know the old Ellie is in there. It's hidden. But it's there. And I'm going to find it.
so Ellie and Sean had a bouncing baby boy! Yay! Next chapter will focus on Ellie's changing attitude and her obvious depression and Sean's dealing with the stress of fatherhood. I don't know what else I'll include in the next chapter. If anyone has any suggestions that'd be awesome. Review please! you guys are way too wonderful!