Lyrics are from Cavanaugh Park by Something Corporate. I don't know. I just thought they fit.

Chapter 26: Cavanaugh Park

At Cavanaugh Park

where I used to sit all alone in the dark

and dream about things that I cannot say.

Marco

I lost patience with the slow arriving elevator and burst through the doors leading to the stairwell. I was trying to work out a little more, this was the perfect chance to work on my... uh... stair work. Everyone would be so impressed. I took the stairs two at a time, anticipating what it would be like when I saw her.

On second thought... I decided to go to the fifth floor and look in at Brayden first. For some reason I slowly made my way to the glass that separated the babies from the rest of the world. It was almost as if I was afraid of startling them or waking them up if I moved too fast or too loud.I gripped the little railing in front of the glass and looked in.

Sean was in there. I watched as he, dressed in his finest scrubs, slowly reached hand in the incubatorand stroked Brayden's tiny little hand. He looked tired, scared, worried, angry... all sorts of emotions were beaming off of him. Not that I don't blame him. It must be tough for him.

Ellie's been in the hospital for five days. Ashley said she went and saw her, but that Ellie acted completely weird. She wouldn't talk to Ashley and seemed bitter about something. I'm hoping my surprise visit and bouquet of crazy daisies will help lift her spirits. She can't turn away her best friend, can she?

Not that I didn't try and visit before. I've been here every night since the delivery, trying to get in to see her. The nurses always tell me she's too tired to see anyone. But today, I'm not taking no for an answer. And if I wimp out and don't rebel, I've written a small note for her that I've stuck in the daisies. But she'll definitely see me. She has to because she's making me nervous.

Sean glanced up and saw me outside of the room. He nodded his head in a greeting and said a few words to the nurse. It must suck for Sean. He's been out of school this week, visiting the baby, getting things ready for when Ellie comes home from the hospital... Ms. Kwan made sure to inform the classroom every morning with updates on Ellie and the baby's condition. I guess Sean or Ellie's parents are telling her everything. I don't know... It seems that every day she tells us that Ellie is resting and the baby is getting stronger. Not every detailed. Not very satisfactory.

Poor Sean. Ashley says that Ellie won't even see him. How she knows this, I don't know. But I kind of believe her. I mean, Sean doesn't look particularly happy right now. Not that he should be grinning like an idiot or anything because, well, Brayden is in the NICU... but he looks completely devastated. But I guess there's really only one way to know for sure if he's seen Ellie.

"Hey Marco."

Ask him.

"Hey, Sean." I slapped him on the back in a friendly gesture and stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jean jacket. "What's up?"

He sighed and wiped at his tired eyes. "Not much. Finishing the nursery... catching up on school work... I have to go in and take a few quizzes and tests tomorrow during school. Normal stuff that I guess any new teenaged dad does... You?"

"School. I got a job at that new coffee place on Kemper Street."

"That's cool."

We were silent as we walked around the hallways aimlessly. Neither one of us really wanted to bring up the fact that Ellie was different. But someone had to. And since Sean's a man of little words... I guess it's up to me.

"How's Ellie?"

"Fine," he said shortly.

"Just fine? What's she been doing?"

"Look, I don't know. Okay? There. I don't know. She won't even fucking see me," his voice cracked slightly and he looked away. He wiped at his eyes again, but I don't think it was because he was tired.

"She barely said two words to Ashley. She won't see me. She won't see Alex. Does she even see anyone?" I asked.

"No. She won't even talk to her parents. I don't know what's going on. Is it supposed to be like this?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I've never had a baby."

Sean chuckled a little and scratched his head. "Yeah... I guess not. I don't know. Her mom says it's just the 'baby blues'... whatever the hell that means. Her dad barely says anything. He was here before. Just looking at Brayden. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything."

"Man... that's rough."

"Yeah, I don't think he was trying to be a jerk, though. I think he's upset. He squeezed my shoulder and walked off. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. Life's fucked up."

"It sure is. It's fucked up, it hands you shitty cards, and it's not fair. So what is it good for, right?" I posed the question that I think Sean and Ellie were both asking.

We had circled around and were making our way back to the NICU. I watched as Sean turned his head and stared through the glass at Brayden. Brayden stretched his tiny little arms up and yawned. I noticed the corner of Sean's mouth lifted a little in a small smile.

"This," I stated simply.

Sean looked at me. "What?"

"This. This right here. Him. Brayden. This is what life is good for. Look at him! He's perfect, you know?"

"Yeah," Sean agreed.

"And life might be full of crap, but it's also full of moments like this. Moments like watching Brayden yawn or smile for the first time... It gives life a whole new meaning. It gives life a purpose. You don't just live for yourself, Sean. Now you live for him. He needs you. He depends on you. And sometimes you have to deal with life's shitty moments to get to the good ones."

Sean stared at Brayden and nodded his head. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was taking in what I just said. He gave me a smile and squeezed my shoulder, much like I'm sure Mr. Nash squeezed his.

"I'm going to go finish the nursery. You should hurry. Visiting hours are almost over." He nodded his head towards the stairwell.

I turned and watched as he walked off to the elevator. He was going to be fine.

I gripped the bouquet of daisies before knocking softly on the closed door. I didn't hear anything. Maybe she was asleep. I turned to walk away, but stopped myself. No, I'm going in there. I don't care what she says. I want to see her.

I opened the door quietly and tip-toed in. Not that it mattered. She was sitting in a chair staring outside her window. She didn't even move as I kissed her cheek and rested the bouquet on the small bedside table.

"Hey, Ellie-Wellie. Whatcha doing?" I tried to be upbeat and friendly for her sake. Her hair looked shiny and freshly washed and it hung in slight waves down her back. Her skin looked moisturized and soft. She was dressed in a pair of light grey pajama pants and a black hoodie that had Taking Back Sunday scripted across the front. Obviously she was taking care of herself. That must mean something good.

She didn't say anything. I tried again. "I brought you flowers, El. I thought the place could use a little cheering up. Where are all your other flowers?" I looked around the room but didn't seen any of the balloons or flowers that everyone had said they sent.

I didn't expect her to answer. "I didn't want them," she whispered.

"Why not?" I reached out to take on of her small hands in mine, but she pulled it away and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I just didn't. Is there a point to you being here?"

"Ellie!" I put a hand on her knee and squeezed. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"I'm not your sweetie."

"You're my best friend, Ellie. Talk to me."

"Am I? Am I your best friend?"

I gave her a confused look. Why is she even asking me that? She knows the answer. "Of course you are!" I tried to convince her of it. I don't think I succeeded.

She shook her head and looked back out the window. It was starting to get dark outside. I watched as she stared at the small figure of a woman carrying her baby out of the hospital. I thought I heard her whisper the world "lucky", but I'm not sure. A small tear escaped from her eye and slid down her cheek.

I bit my lip. "You want to go see Brayden? We can go right now."

She looked at me as if I had two heads. "Why would I want to do that?"

I was taken aback by her attitude. "Um... because he's your baby?" I offered. She didn't bite. She just looked away again.

"Is something going on, Ellie? You can talk to me."

She shrugged her small shoulders.

"Do you want to watch TV? Jeopardy is coming on. You love Jeopardy. Remember?"

"I gave birth, Marco. I haven't been in a coma. I can still remember stuff," she snapped. She angrily shoved her hair behind her back and stood up shakily. "If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone. Okay?"

I didn't move from my spot on the bed. If she wanted me to leave, she'd have to physically pick me up and throw me out. I wasn't about to leave on my own. I lifted my chin in a defiant look and challenged her to say anything to me about it.

Her shoulders dropped and she frowned. "Fine," she muttered. "Stay if you want."

Ellie

I glared at TV screen as I watched the latest episode of Jeopardy. Were these people serious? Do they really not know wrote The Jungle? Upton Sinclair, you idiots. Upton Sinclair. I groaned as their time went out and Alex Trebek gave them the answer. Morons.

"It is the only state lying south of the Tropic of Cancer."

"What is Hawaii?" I answered.

Not even being right made me smile. I played with a loose string on the hospital comforter and waited for the next question.

"In the original L. Frank Baum story The Wonderful World of Oz, what color were Dorothy's slippers?"

"What is silver."

Easy. Anybody with half a brain knew that.

"Ellie, you're so smart," Marco smiled, looking at me from his chair.

I didn't acknowledge his presence. Maybe if he would have just left like I asked him to, I would still like him. But, right now? I can't stand him. I just wanted to be alone. Is that so much to ask? I just wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm sick of doctors and nurses asking me why I don't want to see anyone. I'm sick of that stupid Dr. Brahm coming in here and acting as if she knows me just because we talked a few times. Seriously, where does she get the nerve?

"Ellie!" A nurse entered the room, a bright smile on her face.

I glowered.

"I thought we could try pumping again!" she held up the breast pump and I gave her an evil look.

I can't believe she wants me to use that thing. We've already tried it before and it didn't work. "No." I grabbed the remote and turned the TV volume up to drown her out.

She pulled up a chair next to the bed anyways and took a seat. I sighed as she started to explain the procedure to me again and how it works. I hated this. We've already tried every day I've been here, and I haven't been able to produce anything. I might as well just give up. I can't even give my baby milk.

I grudgingly let the nurse help me pump again. I grimaced at how uncomfortable it was, especially with Marco in the room grinning like an idiot. I gave him a nasty look and he wiped the smile off his face. I hate doing this. I really do. I keep hoping that maybe it'll work this time, but it never does. I just need to face it- I'm a horrible mother.

After awhile the nurse took the pump off and sighed. "I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow. Maybe in the morning?"

"Whatever," I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"Do you need anything? A drink, something to eat?"

I didn't bother looking over at my untouched dinner- a disgusting, rubbery sandwich and side of fruit cocktail. She made a clucking noise as she examined my tray.

"You haven't eaten a thing all day! Aren't you hungry?"

"Will you just leave me alone?" I requested harshly.

"You need to eat, Ellie. You need to keep your energy up and maybe this is why you haven't been producing any milk."

"Do you have to rub it in? I can't breast feed. So what? So my baby starves to death. Do you think I care?" I grabbed a magazine from my bedside table and started to flip through it. The nurse shook her head sadly and walked out, clucking her tongue the entire way.

Marco put a comforting hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. "I wish you'd go, too. I'm so sick of everyone asking me if I'm okay. I'm fine. I can look after myself. I don't need you or doctors or my parents or Sean or Ashley telling me what to do and what to feel. I can do that on my own."

"I wasn't trying to tell you what to feel," Marco said softly. "How do you feel?"

God, it was so funny I almost laughed. "Are you serious? Marco, I'm fine. I'm really not feeling much of anything right now, okay?"

"Then you need to talk to someone."

"What I need- is for everyone to leave me alone."

"We care about you."

"Nobody cares about me. And I sure as hell don't care about anybody."

He pulled back and stared at me. I just kept on reading the oh-so-intriguing article on how to get a guy to kiss you. Who the hell gets their kissing advice from magazine anyway? Besides, I think I know how to kiss. It's using a fucking condom that's slipping my mind.

"If you could have anything in the world right now, Els, what would it be?"

Marco was trying to get me to tell him my deepest wish. He wanted to surprise me with it and make me happy. Too bad my only wish was impossible. "You want to know what I want? I want to go back in time. If I could take back everything, I would. I would never have talked to Sean in detention. I never would have dated Sean. I never would have gotten pregnant. I never would of had Brayden. God, I wish I never had him."

"That's horrible. He's down there fighting for his life and you want him to disappear."

I didn't say anything. Step one- flirt with the guy! Step two- apply lip gloss! Step three- lean in closely! Step four- let him kiss you!... Genius. Pure genius. How about step five, though? Let him take your clothes off. Step six- don't make him wear a condom. Step seven- have fabulous, life-altering sex. Step eight- congratulations, you're pregnant! You've officially ruined your life.

I kept on reading as Marco kissed the top of my head and left the room.

Sean

I sat on the stairs leading to the porch of my apartment and rested my head in my hands. When did everything get so hard? Why couldn't Ellie and I just go back to how we used to be- carefree, silly, young. Now I feel about forty years old. Already I feel like half my life is over. But at least I have something to show for it. I have a little boy, Brayden... And really, besides Ellie, he's the only thing I've got. He's mine. No one can take him from me. At least that's something pretty damn special to show for my life.

But it's been tough. It's been so tough having to look at him in the little... box, fighting for his life. The doctors say he's doing good. Well. I mean, he's doing well. And that his lungs are developing fast. But if he was getting so much better, why does he still have to be in that thing? Why can't he be in normal beds like the other healthy babies? And if he's so okay, why is Ellie so upset?

Ellie... I really don't know what to do about her. I love her. I know I do. But sometimes it's so hard being with her. Especially when she won't let me close to her. Every time I try and go to talk to her, she just pushes me away and refuses to say anything. I know her mom says it's normal for her to be like this. But, if her attitude is normal, and if normal is all I really want, why am I feeling so shitty?

It's like she's fucking abandoned me to take care of this baby by myself. I'm the one putting the finishing touches on the nursery. I'm the one visiting Brayden at the hospital. I'm the one worrying about him. Sometimes I don't think she even cares.

She just sits up there in that room thinking of only herself. She gets herself all primped up and sits around watching TV and reading while I'm down on the fifth floor looking at my baby in a freaking incubator. I want to believe that she cares about Brayden, but I really don't think she does. And this confuses me like hell because she acted like Brayden was the most important thing to her. She was so worried about giving birth and being the perfect mom. And I'll comfort her and tell her she'd be the best mom there ever was.

I was wrong.

She's a horrible mother.

Ellie

I quietly wandered down the hallway. I didn't want any nurses to ask me why I wasn't in my room getting rest. Like I've even been sleeping. I haven't slept more than ten minutes these past few days, I think. No wonder I feel crazy.

The air in the hallway was chilly, and I shivered as I opened the door to the stairwell and went down a level. I hadn't even looked at him once since they took him away from me the day I gave birth to him. I didn't even look at him when they brought him up in his little incubator to sleep next to me. I couldn't. But now... I don't know. I was curious. They've been saying he's doing well. I want to see if they're lying.

I pressed my fingers and face against the glass and peered in. Where was he? Which one was him? That one? No... Over there? No... There. There he is. I little cry escaped from my lips as I took him in. He was so tiny. His little fingers were made into little fists up by his face as he slept. I watched as he slowly breathed in and out. He looks fine. So why the hell if he still in there? I knew it. They're trying to kill him. They want to take him away from me. Everybody just wants to take everything away from me.

I smiled a little as he kicked his little feel slightly in his sleep. He was dreaming. I wonder what he was dreaming about. In the back of my mind, I was hoping he was dreaming of me. But I doubt it. He doesn't even know me.

No one understands. No one. No one knows what it's like to give birth to something so beautiful and have it ripped away from you. And now he's in the NICU and he's under-developed, and it's all my fault. I should have taken better care of him. I should have had more doctor appointments, and I should have read more books on pregnancy. I shouldn't have gotten angry at Jay and reached for that damn remote. Maybe if I hadn't been so worked up, I wouldn't have gone into labor.

Should haves. What ifs. Ugh. That's all my life is right now. It's just a big second guess. A mistake. I don't even deserve to have a baby like him. I don't deserve anything really when you think about it. I'm just a horrible, selfish person looking out for number one. Me.

And, as if he felt my presence, Brayden yawned and opened his eyes. My quivering hand reached up to my mouth as I took him in. He blinked a few times, looking unsure of himself and his surroundings. And then he started to cry. I watched helplessly as he cried. He was crying because he was hungry or tired or upset and there wasn't anything I could do. I pressed my fingers against the glass and tried to give him a sign that I was there. It didn't help.

Tears spilled down my cheeks as I slowly backed away. A nurse was heading over to him now, and I didn't want her to see me this way. I wiped at my eyes as they overspilled with tears and tried to keep my body from heaving with sobs. I just feel so worthless.

At Cavanaugh Park

Where I used to think my life would be good...

Ta da! One more chapter down. Next chapter- Ellie is released from the hospital... and she decides to go to school? Sean doesn't approve of the way she's acting. And who knows what else.