Chapter 27: Don't Cry

This is anything but fair.

Don't say that it's not cause

you get what you want.

And I...

Well, I don't want this situation.

Sean

I sighed and lifted the suitcase into the back of Ellie's mom's car. Ellie hung back and kept stealing glances back at the hospital. I put a tired hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently. She shrugged it off and stepped away from me. I didn't even bother asking her what was wrong. It seems I'm always asking her what's wrong. And do I ever get an answer? No. I get "fine". She's been "fine" this entire time.

"Honey, did you want to stop anywhere before I take you home?" Mrs. Nash buckled her seatbelt and adjusted the sunglasses on her nose.

Ellie leaned her head against the window and her red hair glinted in the sunlight. "No," she responded softly. I glared at the way she twisted her ring on her pinky finger. Why was her mom even bothering to baby her? What she needs is to grow up. I never thought I'd be saying that about her. But it's true.

The ride back to my apartment was silent except for the Broadway shit coming out from Mrs. Nash's CD player. If I hear one more song from CATS... I'll scream. Has my moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone... Blah, Blah, Blah... I groaned and let my head fall back on the seat. Memories. Yeah, right. Too bad that's all I have of the good times Ellie and I've shared.

I've tried to be patient. I've tried to be nice. I've tried to be understanding. But I don't understand it. Babies are supposed to make you happy. You're supposed to take care of them. Not ignore them and act like you never had one. Never in my life did I think I'd grow up to be a freaking single father. Hell, that's what I feel like.

"Well, here we are."

I grimaced at Mrs. Nash's overly cheerful voice. She's trying just way too hard here. Ellie threw the door open and stepped out. I watched as she made her way up the small front porch and into the front door. I grabbed her suitcase and followed her, a frown etched onto my face. Mrs. Nash glared at me and grabbed my upper arm. "You could at least pretend you're a little happy she's home," she hissed into my ear.

"Don't treat me like I'm a little boy. I'm not your daughter. I don't have to do what you say." I yanked my arm away from her grasp.

She shook her head at me and went on up the stairs that led to my apartment. Sure, go right on in. Act like you're invited. She clucked her tongue at the mess that had piled up the past few days. Ellie glanced warily around the room at the dirty clothes and dishes flung across the living room. She screwed her mouth up and started to pick up the dishes. "Do I have to do everything around here?" she asked to no one in particular.

My mouth fell open. She did not just say that. I did not just hear that. I took the dirty plates she had in her hands away from her. "Believe me, you haven't done a damn thing around here lately," I choked out, angry and fatigued.

Her shoulders dropped and she headed towards the bedroom. "I'm tired," she announced.

The nurse told me all she did the day before was sleep. A pang went through my heart and I set the plates back down. "I finished the nursery, El."

I walked towards her with a smile on my face and reached my hand out. In my mind, I imagined her taking my hand and me leading her into the finished nursery. She would sigh and say it looked perfect. And then we'd snuggle together in bed and talk about the baby before falling asleep in each other's arms. We'd be awoken by a telephone call saying we could bring Brayden home. That'd be perfect.

But things never go my way. She stared at my hand as if it were foreign before turning her back on me and walking away into the bedroom. I dropped my arm back to my side and stared in anger at the closed door in front of me.

"Sean?"

"Please just go. I wanna be alone."

"I want to talk to you."

"I don't feel like talking right now, okay? Please." I gritted my teeth and stared Mrs. Nash in the eye. She huffed slightly and folded her arms across her chest.

"I'll go. But I really need to talk to you about Ellie."

"Later." I showed her to the door and held it open for her.

"Christian and I will come back later on tonight. We want to drop a car off. We want Ellie to have a way to get places."

"That's very thoughtful of you. See you later." I closed the door and locked it behind her. I could still hear her talking from behind the door but I ignored her. Doesn't that woman ever stop? She's too much. Ellie's too much. Their whole freaking family is too much. This fucking situation is too much.

I fell into my chair and turned the TV on. I know I'm pouting. But I have a right to pout. My girlfriend's acting like some wacky schizophrenic with six bodies in the trunk of a car; her mom's being nosy; and there's the little thing called a baby that I have to worry about. I hate my life.

Ellie

I slammed my hand down on the alarm and sat up in bed. I looked to my side but Sean wasn't there. He must have already gotten up for school. Weird. I'm usually the first one up. I yawned and walked into the bathroom to turn the shower on. I caught glimpse of Sean sleeping in his chair. Not even the sight of that could make me smile.

I dried myself off after my shower and wrapped the towel around me as I sat in front of the mirror and started applying my makeup. I reached my eyeliner up to my eye, but stopped. I didn't even feel like putting eyeliner on today. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. Shut up, Nash. Get it together. I let out a loud sigh and started framing my eyes with the black kohl.

"What are you doing?" I jumped at the sound of Sean's voice.

"Getting ready."

"For what? Are you going to the hospital?" he looked at me hopefully.

I laughed a little. "Why would I do that?"

I turned to face him and dared him to say anything to me. He looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. I've never seen him look so angry.

"Because you have a son," he spat. "Is that reason enough for you?"

I turned back to the mirror and applied my eyeshadow with shaky fingers. "What's the point?" Really, what is the point? I can't hold him. I can't bring him home. I can't place him in his crib every night and sing him to sleep or anything I thought I'd be able to do.

"Why have you given up? Ellie Nash doesn't give up!" Sean shouted, throwing his hands in the air.

My lips trembled a little, and I put my fingers to them. He's right. Ellie Nash doesn't give up. But I don't even know who Ellie Nash is right now. I didn't say anything as he continued to yell at me.

"You're walking around like you don't even exist! And it's scary. You're not making sense to me, El. I don't like being around you anymore."

"Oh, and you've gathered that from one day with me?" I shot back at him. "Stop thinking about yourself, Sean." I threw down my eyeshadow and stormed out of the bathroom. Sean grabbed a hold of my arm and tried to pull me back to him. I wiggled free and went on into the bathroom. Sean followed me.

"I'm selfish? You won't even look at Brayden! How do you think he feels?"

"You don't know what I do when you're not there, okay? You have no idea."

"No, I know what you do. You read in front of your little window and watch your TV shows and take a shower and get dressed and put on your precious eyeliner. You take care of yourself, but you can't even take care of our son."

Once again, I'm proven to be a horrible mother. Thanks a lot, Sean. As if I didn't feel bad enough as it was. I pulled open my drawer and started rummaging through it.

"What are you doing!"

"Going to school!"

"You can't go to school!"

"Yes, I can!"

"You'll go to school, but you won't even go see Brayden? I don't even know you anymore!" Sean sat on the bed and put his head in his hands. "Argh!" he growled as he bent over.

I rolled my eyes as his stupid display of frustration and started pulling my little grey knickers on. I paired it with a mesh shirt, a silk polo, and a black tank top. There. Already I'm back to my old self. I jammed my feet into a pair of black Airwalks and grabbed my bag.

"When are you coming home?" he asked pitifully as I walked past him.

I turned around in the doorway. "I don't know, Sean. I have the Grapevine and the yearbook to worry about, too. See you later."

Paige

Alert the media! Ellie Nash is back in school. And looks great if I say so myself. Well, not that she's ever been that fashionable to me- although I guess she does have that cutting edge type of fashion you see in Japan or something... Anyway, enough fashion talk. She's back to her old self, that I can say. Already we've exchanged a few nasty insults in the hallway. And I thought I was starting to lose my touch...

"I can't believe Ellie is back in school," Ashley whispered to me in Ms. Kwan's class.

"Why not?"

"Paige! She just had the baby. She's supposed to take a few weeks off. And instead she took a few days off? It doesn't make sense."

"The baby's in the hospital, Ash. It's not like she can do much. She'll take a few weeks off when he comes home."

"It still doesn't make sense to me. Where's Sean then?" Ashley tapped her finger on her desk for emphasis.

I mocked her action. "I don't know." I flipped my blonde hair behind my shoulder and clasped my hands on my desk. "Ash, relax. She seems fine to me."

"Well, you don't know her like I do."

I know a lot more than you think. I gave her a sad look and turned my attention back to Ms. Kwan as she began her lesson. Ellie slipped in a few minutes late with Marco and giggled as she took her seat.

"Ellie, back so soon?" Ms. Kwan looked just as surprised as Ashley had.

Ellie just nodded and continued to get her notebook and pen out. Ms. Kwan silently beckoned her to the front of the room and started talking to her in a hushed tone.

I leaned over to Ashley. "Well, she certainly doesn't look like she gave birth. I hope I look that good after I do."

Ashley rolled her eyes and kept on doodling little music notes in her notebook. I rested my chin on my hand and looked back at Ms. Kwan and Ellie. I watched as Ellie's face continued to grow an interesting shade of red as she argued quietly. Finally, she turned on her heel and made her way back to her desk, which was right by me, coincidentally.

"How's the baby?" I whispered to her as Ms. Kwan took role call.

She shrugged and started drawing in her notebook. What is with everyone not talking and just doodling? Where is my Hazel when I need her? I caught a glimpse of her on the other side of the room whispering with Jimmy and Spinner. Sigh. Why is she so lucky to have that seat? I'm stuck over here with Over-Concerned Friend and Basket Case.

"So, class was boring today. As usual," I remarked to Ashley as we walked out of Ms. Kwan's room. She nodded in agreement, but kept her eyes on Ellie who was walking a little in front of us. "Ash, why don't you just go and talk to her?"

Ashley looked at me and shrugged. "Ellie!"

Ellie slowly turned around and stared at us emotionless. "So..." Ashley began. "Why are you at school and not with Brayden?" She blurted out the rest, and I had to keep myself from laughing at the obvious embarrassment Ashley was feeling.

Ellie arched an eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips. "So you think you can dictate my life, too? Sean and you deserve each other."

"What's wrong with Sean?"

God. Ashley really just doesn't know when to stop.

"He's acting just as dumb as you are, that's what. Listen, I really don't feel like talking about this."

"I'm just concerned, Ellie. It's not right that you're here when Brayden is at the hospital missing you. That is, if he even knows who you are."

Even I was a little shocked with Ashley's forwardness. And this time, she didn't seem embarrassed by it at all. Ellie raised her chin in defiance and stared Ashley straight in the eye. "Ashley, just go write a crappy song about it. I'm through here."

I clapped a hand over my mouth as Ashley huffed off angrily. Woah. That hit Ashley in her soft spot. That's for sure. "Ellie! Wait up!"

"What now, Paige?"

I adjusted my purse on my shoulder. "I don't know. I just wanted to say I understand what you're going through. I understand why you're back at school and everything."

Ellie stopped walking. "Why? Do you have a baby?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Then you don't understand."

My mouth dropped in shock at her snappy attitude. "I was trying to be nice," I shouted after her.

She turned around in a cirlce. "I don't need you to be nice. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need anything from anybody."

Marco

I took another sip from my straw, glancing sideways at Ellie. She was slowly stirring her soup. Craig coughed and tapped his knife against his tray. "So..."

All of our heads snapped up. Was someone actually going to say something? Our entire table had been chatty until Ellie had sat down next to me. Even she was looking at Craig with mild interest. Her eyes seemed to be begging him to say something.

"Um..." he tried again. "Yeah, I got nothing."

Spinner shrugged and took out his spray cheese can from his backpack. It's tradition. One can every day. "So, anybody want to see me do a cheese race?"

We all rolled our eyes but Ellie jumped forward slightly in her seat. "YES!"

I gave her a weird look. She usually thinks Spinner's an idiot. Why the hell does she want to see him do something so... gross? He happily obliged and started spraying the cheese in his mouth. The rest of the table looked on in disgust and groaned as Ellie smiled and gave a few forceful laughs. Spinner set the can down a minute later and moaned. "Uhh... too much cheese!"

I shook my head in tepid amusement. He says that all the time. And yet, the next day, he's got a whole new can ready. It's kind of nice. In a sick, weird sort of way. The table fell to silence again as the "excitement" of Spinner's feat died down. Ashley cleared her throat.

"So you guys... Anybody want to join me for a trip to the hospital after school?"

"Why?" Spinner asked, confused.

Don't even say it, Ashley. Don't say it! I silently begged her not to say what I knew she was going to say.

"To see Brayden, of course."

Ellie flinched and stopped stirring her uneaten soup. She placed the spoon down and straightened up. We were all watching her. We sat with baited breath for her reaction. Was she going to let it go, was she going to freak out, or was she just going to leave?

"I figure he needs some guests since someone won't go see him."

Oh God. Did she seriously just pull that out? Even Paige looked horrified that she'd say such a thing, and Paige lives for awkward moments like this. Especially if Ellie's invovled. Ellie's eyes darkened and she looked up at Ashley. Each of us in the circle held our breath. We knew it was coming.

"Congratulations, Ashley. You've officially stolen the Bitch of the Year Award from Paige. How does it feel?"

"Hey!" Paige whined.

"Ellie, I'm only stating the obvious," Ashley said in a controlled tone.

Ellie was less controlled. Her voice shook with anger. "You just can't let it go, can you? Why do you even care?"

"Because you're my friend. And he's your baby."

"This is stupid..." Ellie started to gather her things. "I should've known I couldn't come back and expect everything to go back to normal."

"Everything can't be normal, Ellie. You just had a baby."

"I KNOW! Damnit, Ashley. I know."

Jimmy stood up. "Okay, guys. Let's just calm down. Ashley, don't say anything else."

I placed a comforting hand on Ellie's back.

"But does that mean I have to give up everything for this baby? Am I supposed to stop living my life just because I have to take care of him? It's not fair!"

I watched as she stormed out of the cafeteria, her red hair streaming behind her. I turned back to the table and looked at everyone else. Spinner continued to shovel food in his mouth; Craig stared at the table; Hazel bit her nails nervously; Paige was staring after Ellie; Ashley's arms were folded across her chest and she looked at her feet; Jimmy stared into space and shook his head.

"This meeting is officially adjourned. Great, guys. See you later." I banged my little gavel on the desk and smiled as everyone got up and gathered my things. I looked at the gavel. Ellie had given it to me when I become school President. It had "Hail to the Chief, Love Ellie" engraved on it. Oh, how things change...

"What's wrong with you?" Alex popped her gum in my face.

I flinched back and rolled my eyes at her unprofessional attitude. "Nothing," I lied.

"You'll have to do better than that to convince me." She pulled up a chair and straddled it. "So, what's up?"

"Ellie," I admitted.

"When isn't it her? For someone who was never in the spotlight before, she sure brings up a lot of drama these days... I can't believe she's in school."

"Yeah, well, neither can anyone else. Especially Ashley. Ashley went off on her today at lunch."

"Figures. Ashley needs to mellow out."

"Yeah, but it is weird. I'm glad Ellie's back and she was actually starting to act a little like her old self, but then she shouldn't be, should she? I mean, Brayden's still in the hospital. Is this normal? Are new mothers supposed to just forget they have a baby?" I put my head in my hands and just let it all out. "And when I visited her in the hospital, she was so different. She didn't want to see Brayden, she wouldn't eat, she didn't really want to do anything but just sit."

Alex laughed and inspected her nails casually. "Marco? Ellie's sixteen. And she just had a baby. Did you expect her to be playing the mother-role so easily? Give the girl a break."

"I know she's only sixteen. But still..."

"Sometimes new mothers act this way. They don't want things to change. You know Ellie- she hates change. Maybe she's having an identity crisis."

"I don't think Ellie's ever had an identity crisis before. She knows who she is."

Alex laughed, "That's true. I don't know. Give her time."

"Maybe you could talk to her?"

"Well, I do have a way with her, if I do say so myself."

I smiled weakly and stood up with Alex. "Great. So talk to her and then call me, okay?"

"Wouldn't that be betraying her trust?" she teased.

"Well... just tell me if she's okay."

I gave Alex another sad look before slipping out of the classroom. Hopefully Alex can figure out what the hell is wrong with Ellie. Otherwise, I don't know if I'll ever see the old Ellie again. And I miss the old Ellie.

Alex

I found my way to the computer lab and strolled in, hands in the pockets of my signature low-slung black pants. Ellie was sitting at a computer, typing away. I slid into the seat next to her and looked at what she was doing. Ah, yearbook. I glanced at her MP3 player to see what she was listening to. Gah, Bright Eyes.

"Could you be anymore depressing right now?" I asked.

She slipped her headphones off and looked over at me. "Actually it puts me in a great mood," she responded sarcastically.

"Well, I almost mistook you for Ashley- so watch out. This depressed shit isn't good for your image."

She glared at me before looking back at the computer screen coldly. "Actually, I was listening to 'A Perfect Sonnet' and it's not that depressing. Kind of has a happy ending..."

"Thanks for the Bright Eyes lesson. Here, let me pick you out a better song." I scrolled through the song list until I found the perfect song. "There, put your headphones back on."

She hesitantly slipped them back on and broke into a small smile when she heard Porno for Pyros "Pets".

"Thanks," she whispered.

I watched for awhile as she finished listening to the song and continued to write text for the Music yearbook page. Let's see- what would I write? The music department at Degrassi... sucks. There. That'd do it. I smiled in amusement as Ellie listed the different achievements the department had for this year. Like anyone really cares.

After the song she slipped the headphones back off and looked over at me. "Is there a reason you're stalking me?"

"I'm not stalking you. I just wanted to see what you were doing."

"Yearbook. Horrible of me, huh? I should be at the hospital, right?"

"I never said that."

"Well, that's what everyone else thinks. But they just don't get it."

"What don't they get?" I urged.

She stopped typing and stared off into space. "It's not that easy. They didn't carry something around with them for seventh months. I can't lose him. I lost Brayden once- I can't lose him now."

Huh? "Huh?"

She stared at me sadly. "I named him after an ex-boyfriend."

"Oh, yeah. Sean told us about it..." I vaguely remembered the story. I didn't want to have Ellie retell it. She already looked to be in enough pain as it was.

"I can't breastfeed; I can't hold him," she shook her head slowly. "I can't take care of him like I thought I could. It's my fault he was born premature. I didn't gain enough weight. I didn't take care of myself. I couldn't even take care of him when he was in me. How am I supposed to take care of him now? I wasn't ready to have him..." her voice cracked. "I needed those last two months to fully get ready."

"It'll be okay. You're a strong person."

"No, I'm not. I'm so angry. At myself, at Sean for not understanding what I'm going through, at my parents for babying me, at Ashley for not being loyal to me... My life is never going to be the same. I can't do anything I want anymore."

"Ellie, if you don't think you can take care of Brayden, there's always adoption..." I decided to put the option out there. I mean, maybe Ellie isn't ready. Maybe Brayden would be better off in another home- with adults who can't have their own children and who would love to have him.

"No," her voice was forceful. "He's mine. I'm not giving him away."

"But if you don't want to take care of him, it's not fair for him."

"I'm so sick of everyone acting like there's such a thing as being fair. Nothing is fair. If I give him up, great- maybe he'll have a happy life. That's fair, right? Well, what about me? I need him. How's it fair to me to give up something I love more than anything?"

"Do you really love him?"

"How can you even ask that, Alex?" She gave me a shocked look.

"Because I'm tough. And I'm logical. I don't get all emotional like you do."

"Yes, I love him."

"If you love him, why aren't you at the hospital with him, right now? Why are you working on some stupid yearbook that'll end up in the back of everyone's closets within a year?" I know I'm being harsh, but this is what she needs.

She saved her work and got up. "I want to be there. But I can't." She looked back at the computer and turned it off. "You're right. Who cares about some shitty yearbook. Everything I do is so fucking pointless," she whispered.

I didn't take my eyes off of her as she walked out of the room. The whole point of my talk with her was to make her feel better. I think I failed. And to make things even worse, now I feel like crap. Maybe Marco's right. Maybe there's something seriously going on with her.

Sean

I hung my hoodie over the back of a chair and looked around the apartment. Ellie wasn't there. But it looked like she'd been cleaning. Maybe she's in... I walked to the nursery quickly and threw open the door. Nope, she wasn't in there. I looked around the room sadly. We'd planned this room for how long and now we don't even have a baby to put in it? Don't think like that, Cameron. I can't let myself think like that. Brayden's coming home soon. Even the doctors said so.

"Ellie?" I called out, willing to try to reach her again.

I heard a muffled crying coming from the bedroom. I rested my head against the door and listened to her crying inside. At least she was getting some sort of emotion out. But who's to say she isn't cutting in there? Worry gripped my heart and I tapped on the door before opening it.

Ellie stood up quickly and hid her hands behind her back. I felt defeated. She was cutting. I walked slowly over to her and rested my hands on her elbows, bring her arms forward. "Let me see," I whispered.

She stared to the side as I traced over the two cuts she had made. They didn't look new. They looked like they'd been re-cut. I led her into the bathroom and sat her down on the edge of the bathtub while I sorted through the drawers, looking for band-aids and something to put over the cut.

I wet a washcloth with warm water and pressed it over her cuts. Then I rubbed some of the medical cream over them, making sure they didn't get infected. Then I placed the band-aids over them. I didn't kiss them like I normally would've. I didn't really feel like showing her any affection. After all, when's the last time she's shown me any affection.

It's a two-way street, Ellie.

Her eyes met mine, and I thought I caught a glimpse of the person I fell in love with. She was still in there. Hidden, but still there. Somewhere. But not even that realization is good enough for me. I want all of her right now. I don't want to have to coddle her and wait for her to come around to her senses. I just can't do it anymore. It's too exhausting. This time, I won't let her play the victim.

Brayden's the victim.

I stood up and walked out of the bathroom, leaving her behind. I heard her say "I'm sorry", but I didn't care. All I care about is getting my shit together so I can bring home my baby boy to a healthy living environment. I don't want Brayden coming home to a mom who cuts and hides herself in the bedroom or ignores all confrontation. That's not the kind of home I want him to grow up in.

I grew up in a home like that. I had parents who drank constantly, lost their jobs every month, and, though I don't deny that they did care for me and still do, growing up in a home like that really messed me up. It made me angry and bitter. And I won't let my son end up that way. I'll do anything to relieve him of that future.

Wow, I'm ona roll with these chapters coming out. Okay, to answer a review...

Crashetburn- I don't know what DMV-IS-blah is. Maybe you could inform me. And I also don't know what paranoid schizophrenia is either. So maybe you can also tell me what I did to make it seem like that. And I didn't understand the bondage reference. I'm aware that more than one psychological problems or whatever can have a person have loss in appetite or become moody and have crying spells and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean that Ellie has every single one of them. I'm focusing on post-partum depression. So hopefully that clears it up.

Next chapter- Um... I think I'll have Brayden be healthy enough to come home. It may take place like a week later or something. Ellie will probably have an appointment with Dr. Brahm and that's when it'll probably start to come around that maybe Ellie's doesn't just have the "baby blues". And I think I'll have a scene with Jay and Sean trying to take care of the baby. Oh, and Tracker can probably be there, too. I might somehow arrange it so Tracker is in town. Maybe Tracker will decide to go back to school or something. That'd be cute. Anywho, thoughts/comments/suggestions. You guys are lovely!