Chapter 29: Running Away

And when I get close, you turn away.

There's nothing that I can do or say.

So now I need you to tell me the truth.

You know I'd do that for you.

So why are you running away?

Sean

I poured myself a glass of milk and sat down at the table with a chocolate cupcake.

This morning Ellie had found the energy to make homemade chocolate cupcakes; I barely saved this one before she threw all of them into the trash immediately after they came out of the oven and were frosted. Now I sat at the kitchen table and watched as she made herself busy by making sure all three sets of playing cards were full decks. She looked up with distaste as I took my first bite of my cupcake.

"You're the one that made them," I reminded her. She rolled her eyes and went back to counting out the cards. I flicked her off and took a big gulp of my milk. It was ten in the morning, and I had convinced her to stay home and go get Brayden from the hospital later on with me. You would have thought I was trying to convince her to drink poison or something with the fight she gave.

"We're missing a queen of clubs," she muttered to herself. She rummaged through the drawer where the cards were kept but came up empty handed. "Great," she snapped, throwing the cards back on the ground.

"What's wrong?"

"We don't have a queen of clubs. Do you know where it is?"

"When's the last time you've seen me play with cards? You're the one who was always playing Solitaire or something with them."

"Well, I didn't lose it." She stalked off into the bedroom and slammed the door shut.

I finished my cupcake. Mmm. Chocolate in the morning. There's really nothing like it. A knock sounded on the door and I jumped up to answer it. Knowing my luck, it'll probably be one of Ellie's parents- all concerned or some shit. Instead, it was Tracker.

"Hey, man," I greeted. I slapped him on the back and held the door as he walked in.

"What's up, little bro? Where's the little lady?"

"The little lady is locked up in the bedroom- as usual."

"Ouch. That sucks. She's not getting any better?"

"Nope. No, she's not." I glanced at the door, slightly curious as to what she was doing in there. Crying, cutting, cleaning... one of those things. Take your pick.

Tracker stuffed his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels excitedly. "Well... I've something to tell ya!"

"What?" I arched an eyebrow. Since when has Tracker been excited about something? Then again, this is the first time I've seen him since he moved to Alberta.

"I think I'm staying here."

"Where?"

"Toronto. Here, in town."

"Really? Why?" I didn't mean to sound so unexcited, but, seriously, why? I thought his job was great in Alberta or something. Didn't he say he got paid thousands to do basically nothing?

He shrugged and tried to wipe the big goofy smile off of his face, but he couldn't. "I think I'm going to take some night classes. Get my GED. Go to school."

"College?"

"Maybe not college. Maybe some kind of business school or maybe even nursing? You're not the only Cameron who was pretty good in health."

Tracker? Businessman or nurse? The thought made me want to laugh. And I did. Out loud. Tracker didn't look so happy at the sight of me laughing at his future or whatever he wants to call it, but it is kind of funny. Tracker's always been the kind of guy who will do just barely enough to scrape by. And now, all of a sudden, he wants to actually do more?

"What's wrong with the oil business?"

"What's wrong with it? Nothing really. If you like that sort of stuff. It's just... unsatisfying. And I see you here getting good grades and all this bullshit and you're actually doing pretty well, bro. I'm proud of you."

It's nice to hear someone say they're proud of me.

"And now you've got a son, and you're still keeping up with it. It's... what do you call it? Inspiring? Yeah, inspiring."

I thought of what this could mean. Tracker would be in town. He'd be able to come over and hang out and watch wrestling with me and Jay. He could babysit Brayden once in awhile. He could be that big brother I once had. Suddenly, the idea of him finishing school doesn't seem so crazy to me. It seems right.

I slapped my brother on the shoulder again. "Welcome back, man!"

Ellie

I didn't answer when Sean knocked on the door. I didn't want to face him or deal with his bullshit anymore. I was tired, I was sad, I was hurt. I traced the new cut I had made this morning with my fingers. Even my own skin felt foreign to me. I can't believe I'm cutting again. Well... not that I ever really stopped, but I was handling it so much better before. What the hell has happened to me?

I wish I could tell everyone what's bothering me, but I can't because I can't even pinpoint just one thing. It's a million different things. It's the pressure of being a new mom; it's the sadness that I can't be young anymore; it's the fear of taking care of a baby; it's the anger that Sean hasn't even tried to understand; it's anger at myself for feeling this way... It's just everything.

The knocking stopped, and I heard Sean say something along the lines of it being pointless. Yeah, you said it Sean. It is pointless. Why should you even bother to reach me? It's not like I was the fucking love of your life a month ago or something. Why can't he just try and be here for me?

And there I go again- wanting two different things at the same time. I need to lay off on Sean. It's not like he didn't try and talk to me when I was in the hospital. And he's being such a good father. And I'm so jealous of him. Why can't I be as happy as he is?

The door to the apartment opened and closed. I listened to the silence. Did he leave? I thought about it for a moment before jumping off the bed and crossing the room to peer out of the tiny window. I stood on my tiptoes as I watched Sean and... Tracker? Yeah, Tracker. They were heading towards the car. Where were they going?

Sean was holding the baby carrier.

No. No. No. No. NO!

I didn't care that I was still in my pajama pants and sweatshirt. There was no way he was leaving me behind and going to the hospital without me. I threw the bedroom door open and rushed to the other door. God, he can't just drive off without me.

I raced down the stairs and out to the front porch, my heart pounding furiously against my chest. I stopped when I saw that the car was already gone. With a sigh, I sat down on the step and pulled my knees to my chest. Of course. When did everything start going so wrong?

Tracker

"He looks like you, man."

I wiggled a finger at the tiny form of Brayden and laughed when he gurgled spit. Brayden did look like Sean. He had the same angular face, the nose, and the tiny amount of hair he had was a dark blonde.

"At least we know it's yours," I mused.

Sean didn't find it so funny. "Like I ever doubted it. Ellie would never cheat on me, Tracker."

"I know. I know. It was a joke. Chill."

"He's got her eyes, though."

"Brown?"

"Hazel. Come on, man. Ellie's got hazel eyes."

"Sorry. Big difference!" I almost had to chuckle at how crazy he was for this girl. Even when she's acting like a complete stranger. "So, she hasn't gotten any better at all?"

"Well, she actually sat down and helped me with homework last night. That's about as much of a conversation we've had. Usually she just sleeps or worries about cleaning or something like that. Can you believe she went to school the day after she was released from the hospital? Can you believe it?"

I shrugged, "Sometimes people deal with things differently. You know, when mom had you she-..."

"Tracker, I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Let's just show off Brayden and get home."

"You don't have to go to school and 'show him off', you know."

"Yeah, well, I want to. It's better than going home to her."

I looked at Sean sideways as we walked up the sidewalk to Degrassi High School. "Cut her some slack. It's like when mom had you and-..."

"There's Alex and Jay. Come on," he cut me off.

I sighed with annoyance but followed him anyways. We caught up with Jay and Alex as they were heading into the school. I checked my watch. Ah, lunch would just be ending. I can barely remember what it was like to be in school, but I do remember that lunch was my favorite class. Besides freaking health. But I don't tell anyone that.

"Aw, look at the happy couple," Jay sneered. He socked me in the shoulder and I pulled the lid of his hat over his eyes.

"He's so cute!" Alex smiled and made baby noises to Brayden. She looked up suddenly with a murderous look in her eyes and pointed her finger at all of us. "Don't ever tell anyone I just did that, kay?"

We laughed and continued to walk into the school, everyone sending us curious looks. I noticed a few people from the baby shower stealing glances at us, but I couldn't remember any of their names. Or maybe I just didn't care to remember them.

"What are you doing here?" Jay asked. "Dude, you don't even have to be here. Go home. Get it on with that sexy redhead that likes to hang around in your bed getting all hot and bothered."

Alex knocked him upside the head, and Sean pretended he didn't even hear him.

"I was kidding! You could freeze water on her ass, she's so freaking cold."

"Shut up," Sean ordered through clenched teeth. I could tell all this talk about Ellie was getting him more than pissed off.

"Is that Brayden?" A girl with short brown hair raced up to us. I took in her knee-length grey skirt and leggings. She leaned down over the baby and her earrings dangled in front of his hands. Brayden barely had the energy to raise his hand half-heartedly to swipe at the gleaming metal in front of him. We laughed as his tiny fingers lightly touched the earrings before going back to his sides.

"Yeah, we just got him today," Sean shared.

"Is Ellie with you?"

"No," I barged in before Sean could say anything rude.

"Oh," the girl's face fell and she sighed deeply. "Well... if you ever need help, Sean, you can call me. But I got to get to my voice lesson. See you later."

We all watched as she walked off. Jay wrapped an arm around Alex and squeezed her close to him. "Don't worry about us. Cutting class is our specialty. Besides, I think this is a good enough reason."

Sean rolled his eyes. "I want to show him to Mr. Ehl, Ms. Kwan, Mr. Simpson, and Ms. Hatsolakos. You up for that?" he addressed the question to me.

"No problem. This way I can check up on my little bro and his studies."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ms. Kwan's right this way."

I hung back as Sean introduced Brayden to all of his teachers one by one. Ms. Kwan and Ms. Hatsolakos both cooed about how handsome he was. They wished Sean the best and a speedy return to school. Mr. Ehl was Sean's shop teacher and he was our next stop. Sean introduced me to him.

"Tracker, this is Mr. Ehl. He's my student welfare sponsor."

I shook hands with him. "Thanks for sponsoring him. It would've sucked if he had to repeat his year again."

"I thought so, too. Sean says he's going to be the first to graduate high-school."

"Yeah, well, maybe second now," I flashed Sean a grin. "I'm planning on getting my GED soon. Maybe this summer."

"That's wonderful. I told Sean I was the first to graduate in my family..."

I listened intently as he went on to tell his own story of educational ambition and success despite the odds all being against him. It made me feel good to know that Sean had a role model for him in Toronto while I was away. Not that I was much of a role model or anything. Still, I like to think I was a pretty cool big brother.

Mr. Simpson was our last stop. Now I remember him from the baby shower. We had talked a lot about hockey and other things. He was a pretty cool guy. He shared with us how scared he'd been when his wife had given birth to their first child together. I smiled as he gave Sean some words of encouragement, but my smile fell when he asked about Ellie.

"Well, um," Sean shrugged and laughed nervously. "You know how she is, Mr. Simpson."

I don't think he did. He looked curiously at Sean, but my little brother wasn't giving any more details. At least he wasn't ragging on her, though. That much I can be thankful for.

I decided to put my two cents in. "Ellie's a little upset that Brayden's been in the hospital for so long. She's still getting used to being a mom." I wasn't exactly sure if that was true, but it sounded good. Plus, it was probably true, when you think about it. What new mom isn't scared?

Mr. Simpson smiled. "I remember how Christine was. She couldn't stop worrying about Jack. She'd wake up all the time, thinking she heard him cry. And when he would cry, she would cry. It's hard to be a mother. Ellie will deal with it, though. She's a good girl."

I heard Sean mutter something under his breath, but I couldn't made it out. Mr. Simpson sure did, though, because his eyes narrowed and he looked at Sean sharply. He didn't say anything, though.

"He's a nice guy," I commented as we stepped back out into the hallway.

"Yeah, but did you hear how he was defending her? He acts like she deserves to treat me and Brayden like she is."

"Dude, he didn't say anything like that."

"Oh, but that's what he meant. Telling us that his wife was the same way. He doesn't even know what Ellie's acting like. If he saw her, he'd understand why I'm so pissed off."

"He wasn't defending her."

"He always defends her."

"Sean, shut up."

He cast a stony glare at me, but did as I told.

"Let's just go," he muttered after a few moments of silence.

God. Talk about moody... Sometimes Sean acts like such a girl.

Sean

We were almost home free. This close. Just a few feet away. Too bad she had to stick her head out.

"Sean, is that you?"

I groaned inwardly as I turned around to face her. Ms. Sauve. The devil incarnate herself.

"Is that Brayden? Can I see him?"

What was I supposed to say? No? I slowly retraced my steps back to the door of her office and held the baby carrier up so she could get a better look. Trust her to see me through her stupid little window.

"He's so cute! Oh, he looks just like you. Oh, but he's got Ellie's eyes."

I gave Tracker a satisfied grin. See, I'm not the only one who knows what Ellie's eyes look like. I watched in bleak silence as she made over my son. She made goo-goo eyes at him as she baby-talked crap about his hands and feet and toes and whatever else she found insanely cute. I glared as she stuck her tongue out at him, and I couldn't help but picture a snake at the sight. That's her alright. A snake. She slithers her way into your mind and squeezes all the bullshit problems out of you. It's not like she even helps at all. She just makes things worse. How many times did I have to talk to her when I was failing classes or when I got into that fight with Jimmy? How many times did she try and get me to admit that I was stealing stuff from around the school? And now she thinks she can get into my kid's head?

"If you don't mind, I have to go," I started.

"Oh, Sean, wait a second. I just wanted to ask you how Ellie is? I saw that she was in school really early... is she okay?"

"She's fine," Tracker butted in.

I sent him a what-the-fuck look. Why is he constantly taking over when anyone asks about her? Well, I'll show him. And her.

"Actually, Ms. Suave... I wanted to talk to you about Ellie. I think she needs to talk to you or something." There. That'll teach Ellie for acting like a psycho. We'll see how crazy she acts once Ms. Sauve's on her case again.

"What's going on? Can you come in and sit down for a minute?"

"We should really get going, Sean..." Tracker tugged at my sweatshirt.

"Actually, I've got a few minutes to spare. I'll sit down."

I stormed into her little office and set Brayden down on the floor near a chair. I took a seat and folded my hands behind my head, leaning back a little. Hell, this is going to be easy. Ms. Sauve took a seat behind her desk and pulled out a small notebook.

"I hope you don't mind if I take down a few notes?"

"No way. Go ahead. Write all you want."

"Okay," she looked at me hesitantly. She was wondering why I was being so easy about this. If you only knew, Ms. Suave...

"Okay, well it goes like this," I began. I looked over at Tracker. "Tracker, don't butt in this time, okay? You haven't even been around. Okay, so Ellie gives birth, right? Then she wouldn't talk to anyone. She wouldn't let me see her. She wouldn't let her parents see her. Nobody. Ashley and Marco managed to sneak in and see her and she acted like she was on crack or something, they said. She was crazy. So, she wouldn't visit Brayden; She won't eat; she either doesn't sleep for days or sleeps the whole damn day; And if she's not in front of the TV, she's wasting away in bed. Um, okay, she made cupcakes this morning and fucking threw 'em away. I barely saved one for me to eat for breakfast."

"Cupcakes for breakfast?"

"Hey, she made them. She tempted me. Anyway, she won't talk; she has these, like, crying spells where she just gets started and can't stop; she walks around like a zombie... I don't get it. What do you think it is?"

Ms. Sauve folded her hands primly on her desk and stared down at her notebook. "Hmm..."

I raised an eyebrow. Come on, broad. Are you going to say something or not?

"I wouldn't want to say for sure what it is, Sean. I'm not trying to pretend like I have all the answers or anything..."

Oh. Now she admits that.

"Have you talked to a doctor about her yet?"

"Um, no?"

"You might want to do that. A lot of times Sean, new mothers go through something called the postpartum blues. Do you know what that is?"

I just stared at her. Post-what?

"Postpartum blues. It affects 50-75 of women after giving birth. It usually doesn't last too long, but it's feelings of anxiety and fear and sadness. It usually takes a little reassurance and help around the house to relieve it."

"And you're saying Ellie has this?"

"Well, actually Sean... I'm saying that Ellie might... maybe it's more than just the 'baby blues'... that's a nickname for it."

"Uh-huh..." I can't believe she thinks I believe this shit. I've never even heard of this before.

"You say she didn't visit Brayden?"

"Yeah, she wouldn't visit him. She won't even talk about him. And whenever I try and ask her why she's being this way, she just blows up at me and says I don't understand or something as stupid as that. Of course I don't understand. How am I supposed to understand when she won't even talk to me?"

"Has she expressed any fears that she won't be a good mother or anything?"

I tried to think of an answer to that. "I don't know. I can't remember. I guess she can't breast-feed," I blushed as I said the term... "and that kind of has her bummed."

"Mm-hmm."

She looked at me as if she wanted me to say even more. But what else could I say? I didn't want to be in here all day.

"Listen, this is dumb. She'll get over it." I stood up quickly and bent down to pick the baby carrier, holding the now sleeping Brayden, up.

Ms. Sauve also stood up. "It's not dumb, Sean. It could be serious. I think you should talk to a doctor."

"I don't want to talk to a doctor, okay?" I snapped. She was seriously starting to get on my nerves. I guess this is what I get for ratting Ellie out.

"Okay, you don't want to talk to a doctor? Fine. Sean, do research, something. You care about her, right?"

"Yeah, of course I care about her."

"This is something that she might need help for. She could have-..."

Brayden started crying. I groaned and looked at his red face. "I gotta go," I blurted out before heading towards the door.

"Wait, Sean!"

I shut the door tightly behind me. "Move man," I commanded to Tracker. "Hurry before she decides to chase me."

"She wouldn't chase you."

"Wanna bet?" I challenged. I looked over my shoulder as I walked as fast as I could.

I didn't relax until I had buckled Brayden into the car and was sitting behind the steering wheel. "That could have been bad. She'll talk your ear off."

"Um, you're the one that wanted to talk to her."

"Yeah, but... it was dumb. But now she'll probably harass Ellie, so some good came from it."

"Damnit, Sean- will you just listen to me for one second?"

"What, man?" I was starting to get impatient with Tracker and his constant interruptions.

"I tried to tell you before about Mom."

"What is this about Mom all of a sudden? Is something wrong?"

"No. I just wanted to tell you that- okay, so I don't really know how bad Ellie's been because I've been busy and haven't been around recently- but... when Mom had you I was, like, nine, right? Yeah, I was nine because you're sixteen and I'm twenty-five."

"Dude, I'm glad to see you can do simple addition. You'll have that GED in no time."

"Smart ass. Anyway, mom had you and afterwards she was really upset, you know?"

"No, I don't know. I was a baby. What do you mean she was upset? What was she like?" Why would my mom be upset after having me?

"She was just upset that she had another baby and-..."

"Gee, thanks, Tracker," my voice dripped with sarcasm. "Are you saying I wasn't wanted?"

"No, man! Will you just listen to me? She was upset because we didn't have a lot of money, and Dad had just been laid off at the factory, and she thought she was too old to be having another baby. And so she went and, like, locked herself in her bedroom for days. She wouldn't come out. I remember Dad sleeping on the couch."

I stopped at a stop sign and turned my head to look at Tracker. "Are you saying Mom acted like Ellie is?"

"Yes, man. That's exactly what I'm saying. From what I've heard, Ellie and Mom? Exact same reactions. Maybe Mom's reaction wasn't as extreme as Ellie's, but pretty close. I mean, Mom didn't sleep. She wouldn't eat. She was always worrying about you. So, instead of not seeing you, she was with you constantly. She'd watch you constantly. She wouldn't even leave if you were sleeping."

"Are you serious?" God, didn't I feel like a horrible kid. What the hell did I do that Mom had to go and act like that?

"No, I'm making it up. Of course I'm serious, Sean. I wouldn't be saying it if I wasn't."

"So, what's the point of this? What was wrong with Mom?"

"You know what that lady said about Post-blah blah blues? Yeah, well, Mom had something kind of like that, but more serious. It was some kind of depression."

"So Mom was depressed?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't just depression. It had a name to it. I forget. She had to go on medication, man."

"Seriously, Tracker?" Great. Ellie's crazy, and now she's going to have to go on medication.

"Yes. Dad didn't know what to do, though, until Mom started talking about hurting herself. She complained that she couldn't sleep because she couldn't stop worrying about you so she took sleeping pills. Except she took a bunch of them. Sean, Mom had to go to the hospital and get her stomach pumped."

I screeched to a halt in the middle of the intersection. I hadn't even realized I'd just ran a stop sigh at a four-way stop. Some guy in a truck flicked me off as I quickly cleared the intersection with embarrassment. I stared straight ahead and thought about what Tracker had just said.

"Did you hear me, Sean?"

"Yes, I heard you." Of course I heard him. Loud and clear. But did Mom seriously try and kill herself or did she just get confused and take one too many sleeping pills? My palms sweated as I thought about it. What the hell had she been thinking? What the hell was Ellie thinking?

"So, you're saying Ellie's going to try and kill herself?"

"No, not at all. Not everybody goes and tries to hurt themself."

"Ellie already hurts herself. She cuts."

"I'm just saying that I don't mean she's going to go and hold a gun to her head or something. I'm just saying that maybe you aren't taking this seriously enough. I think Ms. Sauve was trying to tell you the same thing back there."

"Ms. Sauve doesn't know what she's talking about. Ellie's fine. She's not crazy."

All of a sudden I felt the familiar urge to defend Ellie. She's my girlfriend. My love. I can't just sit around and listen as two amateurs try and tell me that she's a psychotic suicidal freak or something. So she's having a bad day. Or two. Or twenty-three. It doesn't mean anything.

"I didn't say Ellie was crazy. Neither did Ms. Sauve. Mom wasn't crazy. She was upset. Deeply upset. She was anxious about money issues and her ability to raise you and... I don't know. Just a lot of things. Dad still talks about it, you know."

"No, I don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know. Why didn't anyone ever tell me?"

"Why upset you?"

"Because she's my mom?"

"She got better, Sean. She just needed to take some anti-depressants and talk to someone."

"So, Ellie has to go and take some crazy pills?"

"Dude, I don't think you get it. Crazy and depression aren't the same thing. Do you really think Ellie needs to be put into a straight jacket or something? She's not freaking Hanibal Lecther."

"Who?"

"Silence of the Lambs."

"Ooh."

"I'm just saying that maybe you should talk to a doctor. Or have her go see on. Go see one together. Something, Sean. It helped Mom."

I pulled up into the driver of his friend Greg's house where he was staying. He put a hand on the handle. "What do you think?"

I shook my head. "I think you don't know what you're talking about. Why should I listen to someone who kept Mom's depression secret from me for sixteen years? Ellie's not like mom. Mom was a drunk and could barely hold a job and dropped out of high school. Ellie's smart and has morals and she's going places."

"Do you think it's a disease that only plagues people like Mom? Cause if you do, you're more ignorant than I thought."

"Since when do you know big words like 'ignorant'?" I spat as I put the car into reverse and left him standing in the middle of the driveway.

Ellie

"Hello?"

I looked up from my spot on the couch as Sean came through the front door, a baby carrier in his hands.

"Where've you been?" I accused.

"Walking," he shot back. Cute. He was making fun of my excuse from last night. This morning. Whatever.

I chewed my lip as he came closer. Was Brayden in there? Was he awake or asleep or hungry or... A heavy feeling overcame my heart. What does it matter, really? Sean can take care of him. I'd just get in the way.

I watched silently as Sean placed the carrier on the kitchen table and headed towards the refrigerator.

"Don't leave him alone!"

He shot me a look. "I'm two feet away."

I shut my mouth. I could see my little Brayden opening and closing his mouth. Was he hungry? He looked hungry. Sean was busy preparing his formula. My hands shook as I watched him. He was fixing it like an expert. I didn't even know how to do it. He carefully picked Brayden up out of his carrier and cradled him in his arms, taking a seat in his favorite chair. I yearned to sit on the arm of the chair and be near Sean and my baby. Instead, I stayed where I was and sat in silence as Sean fed Brayden his formula. It was too picture-perfect. It would make a wonderful photo. I suppressed the urge to get my camera and take a few shots.

"Don't forget to burp him," I told Sean when Brayden was finished.

He rolled his eyes and looked at me furiously. "You wanna come over here and do it?"

I didn't say anything.

"No, of course you don't. You're too selfish."

His words felt like someone was kicking me in the gut. "I know you don't like the person I am right now, but... I don't like the person you're becoming," I informed him quietly.

He rocked Brayden slowly in his arms and smiled sadly. "You're the one making me this way."

I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Yeah... I guess I am. Well, uh, I'm going to go to bed. School tomorrow..."

"Tomorrow's Saturday."

I sighed, "Yeah, well.. You know..."

But he didn't know. I stopped in the doorway of the bedroom and turned around. My mouth felt like sandpaper as I opened. "Sean?"

He looked up.

"I still do love you," my voice was small and tearful. "And I do love him."

He looked down at Brayden and back up at me. I closed the door.

Sean

I wiped my eyes as I turned the lights off in the nursery. Brayden had fallen fast asleep his feeding, and I was wiped out. I started towards my bedroom but stopped when I saw the closed door.

I still do love you. And I do love him.

I love you, too.

I'm just saying that maybe you aren't taking this seriously enough.

It was some kind of depression.

Mom started talking about hurting herself.

Well, I wasn't going to let it go on until Ellie ended up in the hospital or worse. And I

wasn't going to let anyone tell me I wasn't taking it serious enough. I decided to stop thinking about going to bed and, instead, headed towards the computer. Ms. Sauve said I should do some research.

I logged onto the internet and went to a search engine. What should I put in, though? What exactly am I looking for?

It was some kind of depression.

I typed in depression.

Okay, woah. Too many options.

I thought about it a little longer. Okay, if I were some kind of computer-nerd like Toby, what would I type in? Think, Cameron. Think.

Okay, Mom started acting different after she had me. And Ellie started acting different after she had Brayden. So...

Birth + Depression.

Search.

I scanned the results. I clicked on a link that said "Depression after the birth of a child". That seemed like my best bet.

Postpartum depression.

I decided to read out loud: "Postpartum depression is a complex mix of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that occur after giving birth that are attributed to the chemical, social, and psychological changes associated with having a baby. It affects about one in ten new mothers. You may experience alternating 'highs' and 'lows', frequent crying, irritability, fatigue, and feelings of guilt, anxiety, and inability to care for your baby or yourself. Symptoms range from mild to severe and may appear within days of the delivery or gradually, even up to a year later. Treatment with psychotherapy and antidepressants is very effective."

I took a deep breath. This sounds like her. Now that I know what she's thinking and feeling exactly, but the crying spells and irritability? That's definitely her.

I read on. "What factors increase chances of postpartum depression? Marital conflict." Well, Ellie and I aren't married. That might be upsetting her. It's not exactly comforting. "Ambivalence about the pregnancy."

Ambivalence? I quickly looked it up. Mixed feelings. Yeah, she's definitely had mixed feelings.

"Age at time of pregnancy. The younger you are, the higher the risk."

Ellie's only sixteen.

"Depression before the pregnancy."

Well, something was making Ellie cut before. And starve herself. Something was going on with her.

I scanned through some of the other factors that didn't really apply. Ellie doesn't have any other children; she doesn't have money problems; she's had enough support from family and friends...

"Pregnant women with active eating disorders or a history of eating disorders are at increased risk of postpartum depression."

My stomach sank.

So, let's take into consideration that Ellie fits at least five of these factors. What does this mean? Does this mean she could have this? Is this a really dangerous condition? I tried to read the rest of the page, but my mind was swimming with the information I'd just read. I looked back at the bedroom door.

Maybe Ms. Sauve was right.

Maybe Tracker was right.

I turned off the computer and rubbed my neck as I headed to bed. This was just all too much to deal with right now. Maybe Ms. Sauve's suggestion that I need to talk to a doctor is a good one. Only a doctor can really give me the advice and answers I need. And maybe I could even talk to my mom. Obviously, she knows what Ellie's going through.

I slipped into bed after taking my clothes off. I thought back to last night. I hadn't even kissed Ellie goodnight or shown any sign of affection. This time, I wasn't going to ignore her. I wasn't going to ignore the problem staring me in the face. I rolled over to my side and nuzzled my face into the back of her neck and kissed it softly.

"I love you, too," I whispered to her. "And I'm going to get you help. You're going to get better."

Okay, extra long chapter because I won't be able to update until Wednesday. I'm going home for a few days. Yay! So finally Sean is getting some answers as to why Ellie's acting so different. Next chapter... Um, not to sure right now because I haven't thought about it. So, who knows. But comments/suggestions, please! Please:) I want to know what everyone thinks of this chapter and how everything came out. Stupid? Good?