Chapter 30: Out of Reach

Long way from home,

lost by an echo I'd never have known.

I've got pictures to prove I was there,

but you don't care.

Here's me overseas,

across the pond by the Dover peaks.

I've smuggled myself into new nationalities.

You think you'd be proud of me.

Ellie

I blinked my eyes slowly, staring at the dark wall in front of me. It was close to four in the morning, and I still had yet to fall asleep. I sighed and willed myself to grow tired. I just wanted to sleep and never think about anything again. Ha! Fat chance of that happening.

Instinctively, I reached to my side and grabbed a hold of Sean's hand, which was strewn loosely across my waist. I remembered the moment he had slipped into bed and kissed my neck. He told me he loved me. Still. After the complete wreck I've been, he loves me. I rubbed his hand lightly as he breathed softly behind me. I always thought Sean would be a snorer. But he's not. I like that.

I looked at the clock again. It read 4:00. I let out a breath and slowly sat up. Maybe I'd go get a drink or something. I shivered a little as I slipped out from underneath the covers and walked quietly over to the door. I glanced at Sean before slipping out. Still sleeping like a baby.

Baby.

Maybe I should just check in on him. I mean, what if he's crying and we can't hear it through the little radio? I slowly tip-toed into the nursery, careful not to make any loud noises. Nope, he wasn't crying. I stood over his crib and stared at him.

He really is perfect.

And then, as if he sensed my presence, his eyes started to flutter open. I gasped as he looked at me for a moment before breaking into a big yawn. He could tell I was standing over him. He could just tell. It's like we have a special force between us or something. A bond.

"Hi," I whispered. I curled my fingers over the railing and leaned over to look in. "Hi," I repeated.

He kicked his arms and feet around.

"Oh, you're going to be such a big boy!" I cooed. He kicked his little legs again.

"You want me to hold you?" I swear I saw him nod, so I reached my hands in to grasp his little sides.

As soon as I started to pull him up, he let out an earsplitting shriek. I quickly set him back down.

"What? What's wrong?" I cried. I wrung my hands together as I backed away from the crib. Why was he crying like that? Did I do something wrong? I let my hands drop to my side with defeat. I did do something wrong. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed Brayden to stop crying. Stop crying!

"What's going on? Ellie?" Sean asked sleepily, coming up from behind me. He pushed me aside slightly and headed towards the crib. "Shh. It's okay, man. Daddy's here."

I watched as he expertly picked Brayden up and held him close, the baby's cries already starting to cease. I kept backing up until I reached the doorway. I had tried to be there for my baby, but he didn't want me. Sean stroked Brayden's back and swayed side to side. "Are you hungry?" He looked over at me. "I think he's hungry. It's not his diaper."

I nodded lamely. What else was I supposed to do? Sean looked at me expectantly, but I didn't say anything.

"Will you fix a bottle?"

I gripped the doorknob and twisted it tightly. "What?"

"A bottle? Will you fix one?"

"I don't know how..." And it was the truth. I didn't know how to fix Brayden's bottles. I didn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby. Maybe I did well with my pseudo-baby in health... but that was a pseudo baby. It was a machine that didn't actually require me to give it formula. It didn't cry because it didn't know me. It thought I was it's mother. Unlike Brayden, who doesn't even know who the hell I am.

Sean stared at me and sighed. "How about I show you?"

My first instinct was to say no. I didn't want Sean to teach me. I'm supposed to be the one teaching him. He's the one who's supposed to be helpless when it comes to our baby. I'm supposed to be the expert. "Um..."

"Please, El." He walked over to me and leaned his forehead against mine, looking deep into my eyes. "We need to get better. Brayden and I need you."

I didn't turn away as he placed a little kiss on my nose. Was he telling the truth? Did he and Brayden really need me? Was I that important to them? What could I honestly offer the two of them? "O-okay," I stammered nervously.

Sean's face broke into the first smile in a long time. He carried Brayden into the kitchen with one hand and led me by the other. I gripped onto his hand as if it were the only thing keeping me from falling off the edge. What would happen if I just fell off the edge? I already feel as if I'm a little crazy, so would I actually go completely insane? Would I be committed and never see my friends or family again?

You are crazy, thinking like this. I need to be happy. I need to be happy. Why can't I just be happy? I'm trying. I really am. I've been trying to hold Brayden and confront him for weeks it seems like. It's just not as easy as I thought it'd be. I just want my old life back.

"Okay, this is his formula. Will you hold him while I mix it up?" Sean held Brayden out for me. I hesitantly reached for him and touched his hand, but pulled away.

"No. I don't want to hold him."

"Come on, El. He wants you. See?"

He didn't want me. Every time he looked at me his face grew red and his eyes swelled up with tears. I shook my head quickly. "No!"

Sean sighed and put Brayden in his little carrier seat that rested on top of the kitchen table. "You're gonna have to hold him sometime."

I didn't bother commenting. I just leaned against the kitchen counter as he prepared the bottle, showing me step by step how to do it. I nodded in the places that I felt I had to, but didn't really take anything in. It just all seemed so complicated.

"How about you feed him now?" he held the bottle out to me. I just looked at it with a stupid look on my face. It was like I'd never seen a bottle before. Sean shook the bottle a little. "Please? Feed him."

I wanted to reach out and take the bottle, but something was stopping me. It was this delusional fear that gripped me. It was constant and deep and made no sense at all, but it was still there. Controlling me. I backed away from Sean and shook my head. "I can't," my voice broke.

"Why not?" He looked tired and exasperated and old. Did I look that old? I touched a hand to my face and felt it. Was this whole motherhood ordeal making me age prematurely?

"I just can't," I told him. I took a glance at Brayden and crossed my arms. "I'm going back to bed."

"Ellie, please..."

"Sean, please don't do this. I don't want to fight."

"I'm not trying to fight. I think you need to take to someone."

I stopped walking and turned around. "Talk to someone? About what?"

"About your denial. Your fears. Whatever is going on with you... You just need to talk about it. It's scary."

"Sean, I'm fine."

"No, you've changed. I think it's serious. I think you might have po-..."

"I've changed? You're the one who's changed!"

"Oh, really? How so?"

"You're boring! You never have fun anymore. You're always so busy taking care of-..."

"Taking care of my kid? Yeah, because I have a kid. I can't go around and party and not give a shit anymore. I have responsibilities and someone who needs me. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you!" He bellowed. His face fell and he took a hesitant step towards me. "I'm sorry," he apologized quietly and sincerely.

I stared at the floor and remained silent. What could I say to that? It's true.

"You're not taking care of yourself. You're not eating; you're not sleeping... You're angry and worried all the time. You're scaring me. I want you to be okay. And I want us to be a family."

"I get it, okay? I'm a screw-up mother. You don't have to keep rubbing it in."

"I never said that."

"Yes, you did. It's okay. I've accepted it. I just wish you didn't have to bring it up all the time. Don't worry about me, though. Okay? Just focus on yourself. I'm fine."

"I can't focus on myself! I have Brayden to worry about, and I have you!"

"Don't worry about me. There's nothing wrong with me!"

"How many times do you have to say that to convince yourself, huh?"

"Oh, shut up!"

"I know I was an asshole before, okay? But I'm gonna be patient from now on. I'll help you through this."

"Help me through what? There's nothing to help me through."

"Then why won't you go near Brayden? Why won't you feed him or give him a bath or even look at him?"

"Because I don't have to."

"You're his mom."

"Well, maybe I don't want to be his mom."

Sean snorted, "It's a little too late for that!"

"Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"You don't mean that. You want to be his mom. Why else would you go into his room in the middle of the night and be with him? You're just holding back. You're scared."

"I don't get scared."

"And you're a liar."

I sighed and looked back at him from the doorway to the bedroom. "Just don't worry about me. I can take care of myself."

"Riight..."

I frowned and slammed the door behind me. Brayden's cries punctuated the air immediately. There. Let Sean deal with him crying now. I threw myself onto the bed and buried my face into my pillow. Who does Sean think he is to tell me what to do? To tell me that I actually need to go and talk to someone. Great. Let's have someone tell me I'm crazy. That's really going to help. This whole feeling of insufficiency is going to blow over soon. It has to.

Jay

I shut the door behind me quietly and turned around to make my way through the dark. I had good intentions, but my drunken feet had other plans. They managed to get tangled up as I made my way to the living room, and I stumbled onto my knees.

"Shh!" Sean glared at me from his spot on his chair.

What the hell?

"Whaddya doing up?" I slurred slightly.

"What's it look like? Brayden woke up. Graceful entrance, by the way."

"I'm a little drunk," I admitted.

"Couldn't tell. Be quiet, though. He just fell back asleep."

I attempted to take my shirt off and crawl onto the couch. I gave up halfway through, my shirt hanging around my neck and one arm still. "What time is it?"

"Almost three-thirty. Where've you been?"

"Towerz. Should've come."

"Can't. I have something called a baby."

"Couldn't left him with Ellie. You know, his mom."

"Um, I know you're a little tipsy and everything, dude, but I can't leave him with Ellie. She barely realizes he exists."

"She'd be fine."

"She doesn't even know how to fix his bottle. She wouldn't be fine. She's not fine."

"Whatever," I yawned. "She's always been a psycho-depressed maniac. She'll get over it."

As I closed my eyes and rested my head against the cushion, I could hear Sean sigh and stand up. I listened as his footsteps grew closer and then fainter as he passed the couch and walked down the hallway. Even in my slight drunken stupor, I knew he was genuinely upset about something. And it's not really that hard to guess what about. I mean, yeah, I guess even I have noticed the weird way she's acting. I haven't been around the apartment much in the past week, but even the way she carries herself around school is different. She acts as if she were never pregnant. Like there isn't a baby named Brayden who needs her. But the minute Sean messes up something with Brayden, she's all over him, chewing him out for his mistakes. Frankly, I'm surprised Sean hasn't gone criminally insane by now. Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

"Nice bags," I complimented.

Ellie snapped her head towards me and glared at me from her dark circled eyes. "I'm fully aware that I look like death warmed over, okay? So save the cute remarks for someone who cares."

"Whoa! She's back! And as snarky as ever."

"Just leave me alone."

I pressed myself up against the wall as she slid past me and slammed the bathroom door behind her. Brayden's cries filled the air. Jesus. That kid never stops. Sean rushed out of his bedroom, jeans only on one leg and disappeared into the nursery.

If you had told me last year that I'd be seeing him do that... uh... ever, I would have laughed in your face. Eh, looks like anything is possible. I made my way over to the kitchen table and collapsed into one of the chairs, squinting my eyes for two reasons. A- the pounding headache that was ripping through my skull at the moment. And B- trying to use my telekinetic powers to move a bowl of cereal and spoon in front of me. Looks like my superman powers aren't working this morning. They're better for in bed anyway...

"We have to hurry if we're going to get Brayden to Ellie's mom before school," Sean announced as he sat at the table, ripping open a package of Pop Tarts.

I leaned forward and took the Pop Tart from his hand. "Thanks, man. Tell it to your girlfriend, though. She's the one who's too busy primping."

"Ellie doesn't primp."

"All girls primp. Some just do it in secret. Ellie's one of those girls. What else do you think she's doing behind that closed door?"

"I can hear, you know." Ellie walked out of the bathroom and flung her backpack over her shoulder. "We leaving or not?"

I rolled my eyes and took another big bite of my pastry. "Hey babe, can I get like freaking three minutes to eat this thing?"

"I'm not your babe. If you're not ready to leave right now, I'm walking. Okay? Okay, fine. I'm walking."

"Ellie, wait," Sean shot out of his chair and rushed behind her as she made her way to the front door.

My ears perked up as they talked in hushed whispers. I heard Sean mention something about Brayden and how much he loves her and all that disgusting, syrupy crap. I swear, if she even starts baby talking, I'll hurl. Seriously.

She didn't, though. I heard the front door open and slam shut. Sean came back to the table looking defeated.

"Lover's quarrel?"

"Shut up."

"Why does everyone hate me lately?" I asked out loud. I shrugged and crammed the rest of my breakfast in my mouth. "Let's go now and drive past her as she's walking. That'll really piss her off. It'll be so fun, man."

He shook his head angrily and glared at me. "Why don't you give her a break?"

"Dude, you're the one who was all about pissing her off just the other day."

"Listen, you haven't been here much the past few days, but everything's changed. I'm not mad at her anymore."

"Um, why not? She's acting like a bi-..."

"Watch it!" Sean grabbed me by the collar and shook me hard.

"Chill out, Cameron!" I pushed his hands away and fixed my shirt. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"You don't care about anyone but yourself, do you?"

"Um, I'm going now. You're acting crazy."

"I think Ellie's in trouble," he blurted out. I turned back towards him and he slumped back into a chair. "And I don't know how to help her."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble?" I immediately grew serious. Sean looked like absolute shit. I know he can go all ape-shit over nothing (like he frequently does) and resort to punching lockers and knocking over desks, but this time he looked seriously concerned about something. And as much as the girl's been getting on my nerves ever since she had this baby, I still have a very minuscule part of my heart reserved for her.

Yeah, Jay Hogart actually has a heart. Shocking, I know.

Sean looked up at me all morose and shit and sighed. "I think she's seriously depressed."

"Why? Yeah, I know I tease her about it and everything, but... Really?"

"Yeah, really. And I think she's depressed over Brayden."

"Why?"

"I don't know why... she just is. I think. It's kind of a long story."

"And I hate long, complicated stories. So... good luck. I hope she gets better." I know, shitty move to make, but I'm not good with all this emotional crap.

"That's it? You, like, almost help her deliver the baby in our living room and you don't even care?"

Of course I care. But guys like me don't really like to advertise our caring, nurturing sides. "Dude, come on... you know."

He stood up and grabbed his bag. "Let's just go. We're already going to be late for school. I'll grab Brayden."

I watched as he stormed off into the nursery to grab the baby. I shrugged. Why does he have to go and act like it's my fault that Ellie's having problems. But, seriously, when is she not having problems? She's like a magnet for trauma or something.

Ashley

"Ellie! Over here!" I waved Ellie over to Paige's locker where I was hanging out before class with Paige, Hazel, Jimmy, Spinner, Marco, and Craig AKA "the gang".

"Hey," she greeted as she slowly sidled up to me.

"Where's Sean?"

She rolled her eyes and inspected her fingernails calmly. "I don't know. Late, as usual."

"Of course. Ugh, can you believe that monstrosity of a paper Mr. Wilson had us write over that dumb article? Who cares," Paige snipped as she flipped her golden hair behind her shoulder. "Current events are so boring. Let's discuss something more important like prom."

I whipped my head around to look at Ellie. Surely she was going to say something to Paige about that comment. Sure enough, I saw Ellie's eyes burn as she glared at Paige.

"You think prom is more important than the debate on stem cell research? While you're out shopping for a dress and renting your limo, there are people out there dying from diseases that could possibly be cured with research. You should be ashamed of yourself."

Paige looked at Ellie in disbelief and crossed her arms. "Well, I never... You shouldn't be acting all righteous Ellie Nash. If you put as much effort into taking care of your baby as you do arguing your side on debates, maybe I could qualify you as a good mother. And maybe Sean wouldn't hate you so much. Haze, let's go."

Hazel sent a sad look back at me and Ellie and shrugged before following Paige. Ellie huffed and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. "Can you believe her? Where does she get off calling me a bad mother? She doesn't even know."

Marco put a comforting hand on Ellie and rubbed her back lightly. "She just doesn't like being put in her place by you."

"She's just a self-centered snot. I'd really like to put her in her place."

"She's not that bad. She just cares about different things..." I tried to defend Paige. I mean, she's still my oldest friend.

Ellie rolled her eyes and hooked arms with Marco, totally giving me an evil look. "I don't understand how you can be friends with someone who's ditched you and turned everyone against you before."

"I helped. I was the one who took E."

"Whatever. A true friend would have been there for you."

"And you were."

"So why don't you start treating me like a true friend? Stop defending her and being on her side all the time. I don't care if you've been friends with her since first grade. I'm not impressed."

"Um, come on guys... Peace and love, okay?" Jimmy tried to lighten the mood up. He put an arm around each of us and squeezed. "Let's not ruin such a beautiful friendship because Paige decided to make her usual self-absorbed remark of the day."

"Well, she's filled her quota for the day," Ellie muttered.

I sighed and shrugged Jimmy's arm off. "Come on, Craig. I need to talk to Ms. Kwan."

"Huh?"

"Come on!" I hissed, tugging on his hand. "See you guys at the movies!" I just wanted to get away from her and her constant bad mood. I seriously don't know how anybody else can take it. I've tried to be patient. I tried visiting her and cheering her up, but nothing works. I'm trying to be the good friend, but she doesn't even want me around. I cast one last look at Ellie as I walked away with Craig. Something's different. Ellie would never have gone off on me like that before. The old Ellie Nash knew that I was friends with Paige and she let it slide. She didn't harp on me about it. And now? It seems like I can't do anything right with her.

"Sean!" I waved my arm and jogged up to him.

He turned around and gave me a wary glance. "Yeah?"

He looked tired and run down. "You okay?" I asked, a little concerned.

Sean shrugged and scratched the back of his head. "Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows."

"Is it Ellie?" I guessed.

Sean gave me a sharp glance and started walking back down the hall again. "How'd you know?"

"Call it a sixth sense. Or the fact that I've noticed the drastic change in her personality. Like the fact that she just went off on me for being friends with Paige when she's known for how many years that Paige and I are friends?"

"Believe me, you're not the only one she's been going off on. I think I'm at the top of her hate list."

"What's up with her? Do you have any idea?"

Sean stopped walking and let out a big sigh. "Listen, I think I know, but... I'm not sure. If I tell you, you won't tell anyone, right?"

Of course. I could keep a secret. Oh God... maybe he shouldn't tell me. Somehow I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. "Well... I don't know, Sean."

"Come on, Ashley! You can't keep your mouth shut?"

"Well... okay. Yes, I can."

"Good because I really need to get this out. I think Ellie has postpartum depression."

"I wrote a poem about that once!"

"Be serious, Ashley."

"I did. I researched it and wrote a poem from the point of view of the mother, the father, and then, finally, the baby. Ms. Kwan said it was touching."

"I'm sure it was. But we're not talking about your poem or your little characters. This is Ellie."

"Right. Sorry. You really think she has it?"

"Well, what do you think? You're the one who did all that research."

I scanned my brain for any recall of the facts I had acquired. Slowly the information started coming back to me. "You're right! She definitely has it."

"Don't say definitely. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe she's-..."

"Sean, don't kid yourself. Ellie's not okay. She's not going through some tiny phase. There's something seriously wrong with her."

"So, what am I supposed to do about it?"

"Tell an adult."

"I'm not doing that. If I tell someone, she'll never forgive me."

"Yes, she would. Because if you tell someone and she gets help, she'll finally be the mother she always wanted to be. Not some scared and worried psychopath."

"I can't tell. Not yet."

"If you don't tell someone, I will."

"You just promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

I shrugged. "I'm not letting her go on like this. She needs help."

"Whatever," Sean muttered. He gave me a pissed off look before swaggering off to go join his group of wannabe thugs.

"Yeah, whatever," I whispered to myself. I can't believe he just wants to let her go on feeling depressed. That's not right. Ellie needs help, and she needs it right now. She doesn't think I'm a true friend? Well, I'll show her how true of a friend I am.

Ellie

I glanced at Marco as I grabbed my books from my locker. "You and Ashley are going to the movies?"

Marco shrugged and took another sip from his coffee thermos. "Yeah. A group of us are going."

"Oh." I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal because, seriously, when is the last time I've been invited on one of their big group outings? But it was a big deal. Why can't I go to the movies with them? What am I supposed to do tonight? Sit at home and twiddle my thumbs?

"Yeah, we're going to go see that new movie about the group of people who get marooned on that island."

My eyes flashed and I slammed my locker door shut. "Oh! The one we were going to see together?"

Marco's eyes dropped and he stammered a little. "Um. Well. Yeah, I guess. But I just figured, we've been talking about seeing it for so long and we never go... You've been so busy. We thought you'd be too busy with Brayden."

"Right. Because now that there's a baby, I have no life. I'm just supposed to not go out or have fun ever again. I get it."

"I didn't mean it. And he's not just a baby. He's your baby."

"Barely," I snorted. "Listen, whatever... You want to go have fun with Princess Paige and all her friends. Go ahead. Yuck it up. You just remember who was there for you when you realized you were gay. Who spent an entire year pretending to be your girlfriend. Just remember that when you're sharing your popcorn and Sno-caps with Paige."

I know I'm being irrational. I really am. But why do I have to be so clear about everything? Why can't someone just see how much I'm hurting inside and come and talk to me about it? I don't want anyone to ask me if anything's wrong. I want them to know that there's someone wrong. I want my best friend to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I want Sean to tell me I'm the best mother in the world and that he's not disappointed in me. I want Brayden to want me.

"I'm sorry, Els. I won't go," Marco responded softly. "I'll come over instead."

"No. Don't come over. You don't want to. You want to go with Ashley and Paige and have fun. You don't have fun with me anymore. I'm not fun."

"Yes, you are! Ellie, I have more fun with you than with anyone else!" Marco grabbed my hand and held it loosely by his side. "You're the one who makes me laugh the most. And I always smile around you. I just honestly didn't think you'd want to go."

I looked at our hands and remembered the night that Marco told me he might be gay. He had trusted in me so much. And I had done the only thing I could do. I stood by him. But would he stand by me too if I told him the thoughts I was having?

"I'm sorry, Marco," I whispered sullenly. "I didn't mean to go off on you. I'm just... tired."

"And that's all?" He gave me a concerned look and I almost spilled.

Almost. "Yeah, that's all."

"Ellie, you know I'm here for you. Anytime. You mean the world to me."

"Thanks," I choked out.

The warning bell rang, and I took my hand away from his. It felt like a lot more than just a few feet was separating us, though. It felt like a long, never-ending hallway was separating us. One of those hallways that no matter how much you ran, you never moved. Yo u just never got anywhere. That's what my life was feeling like. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to run, I was just stuck in the same place. Always.

"Ellie?"

I didn't bother turning around. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"Ellie, please!"

Bite me, Ms. Sauve.

I just kept on walking. She seriously couldn't follow me, could she? She had no right. I'm my own person. I don't change for anyone. Not for her. Not for my parents. Not for Sean. And especially not for some baby.

I burst through the front doors to the school and started down the steps to the sidewalk. I didn't need to be here. I'm smarter than all these people anyway. Why bother going through an entire day of listening to mindless teenagers bitch and moan about their dating life or their grades or their parents...?

I have bigger things to worry about. Like...

What's the point of life anyway?

No. Seriously. What's the point?

Isn't having a child supposed to be the happiest moment of your life?

Guess what. It's not. At least not for me. I used to feel scared and angry and worried and stupid.

Now? Now I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing.

I'm invisible. Would anyone even care if I was gone?

I'm sure no one would.

This is the worst feeling in the world. Feeling as if nothing you do or say has any effect on anything. You're trivial. You're nothing. You don't matter in the whole spectrum of things. It's not like you're going to be the one to find a cure for AIDS or end poverty everywhere. You're whole life is basically pointless. Why do you even exist?

Why God? Huh? What was the point of giving me a child if I can't even love him? I mean... I love him. I do. I love him more than anything. I'd do anything for him. I'd sell myself, I'd sell my soul, I'd kill. Anything. But what good does that do? I can't even show how much I love him. I'm incapable of showing any of my feelings. And poor Sean is putting up with me for no apparent reason. He should just move on with his life. Find a woman who'll appreciate him. Not me. Not someone who only thinks about herself and her own personal pain.

My entire life I've wanted to do something to change the world. I announced to my parents when I was younger that I would save everyone. And slowly that dream dwindled. Then I wanted to join the Peace Corps. Then I wanted to be a social worker. Then I wanted to be a philanthropist. Then I wanted to be in politics. Then a lawyer. Then an investigative reporter. And while that's still a cool idea, I've also been harboring my secret passion for the arts. And then I decided that I could even be a teacher and help the kids.

And then I decided I just wanted to have a child I could care for. Someone to teach and play with and let dream. I wanted to bake cookies and build sand castles and video tape every single moment possible. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted a career, but I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I wanted to raise a child to have morals and values and be a good influence. I wanted to show everyone that I may be screwed up, but that doesn't mean I can't be a good role model for someone and raise a kid to do great things.

Well. Guess what? All those critics of me? They were right. I'm not a good role model. I'm not a good person. My dreams aren't going to come true. My dream is gone. Because I'm a failure.

Here that? I'm admitting it. I'm finally admitting it.

I'm a failure.

There's room to believe,

Out of sight,

Out of mind,

Out of reach.

Starting over is no way to begin.

So, do you hate me? It took me so long to update this and I'm not really satisfied with this chapter. I quickly wrote it in a jiffy. So, please tell me what you think. Next chapter: Ellie/Brayden... Ellie will make a very important phone call... and, I'm not exactly sure what else. I know Ellie sounds really mopey, but she's going through a really tough time right now. Next chapter will definitely start to tie things up.

comments/reviews/suggestiosn always welcome. except if you're going to be all snarky and rude like one reviewer on my other story who couldn't even put a name or anything and who obviously didn't read my little authors note which explained a lot of the stuff he/she bitched about... okay, that's off my chest. :)

oh, and song is by Get Up Kids. Love this song.

I'll probably update Saturday. Hopefully.