Chapter 31: 4AM

And if I don't make it know that

I've loved you all along

Just like the sunny days that

We ignored because

We're all dumb and jaded

And I hope to God I figure out

What's wrong

Ashley

I fiddled with the lock on my locker door before finally getting the combination right. Why does it seem that locker combinations never work when you want them to? I shifted my armload of books and popped the door open. Thank God.

"Hey."

I turned around and raised an eyebrow at the sullen looking Sean standing next to my locker. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" I asked.

"Oh, shut up. I'm here to… to…"

"Apologize? For not seeing my side, perhaps? For not seeing that maybe I do care more about Ellie than you think?"

"Okay! I get it. I was an idiot. I know you care about her, but is it a good idea to tell someone that she might have a problem? What if she doesn't? What if this is some phase?"

"Sean, you're the one who told me about Ellie's problem. Don't back down now. Besides, I've already told someone."

"YOU WHAT?"

"You heard me. I already told Ms. Sauve."

"Why?" Sean looked completely devastated.

I hugged my books to my chest and started walking down the hall to my next class. "Because she's my friend. And she could be in trouble. It's better to be safe than sorry, right?"

"Easy for you to say. If Ellie finds out, she'll kill me."

"Why would she kill you? I'm the one that told."

"Because I told you. And she has it out for me lately. Just… don't go around spreading your concerns to everyone, okay? That means Paige, too."

I rolled my eyes and turned my head to look at him. "I promise on my guitar that I won't tell anyone. Happy now?"

Sean shrugged and started to back away. "Whatever. I just hope Ms. Sauve doesn't go getting into everyone's business now."

"Sean, you keep forgetting that you're not the only one who cares about Ellie. See you later."

I entered the classroom and took my seat next to Paige.

"What was that about?" she whispered, leaning closer to me. She must have overheard the last part of my conversation with Sean.

"What was what about?" I tried to play if off innocently.

"Oh, please. You and Sean arguing out there."

"We were hardly arguing. See, no bruises. We we're conversing."

"He sounded kind of pissed off."

"Um, it's Sean. What else do you expect?" I gave Paige a weird look.

She giggled and ran a hand through her blonde hair. "Point taken. So, what were you two conversing about."

I opened my mouth to spill all the juicy details of our disagreement. What did it matter if I told Paige, right? It's not like this was a piece of information that was really gossip-worthy. I mean, I talked to Ms. Sauve. Big whoop.

"Come on, Ash! Spill!"

I paused. Then again… when has Paige not opened her mouth and told the whole school whatever information that happens to come her way? Besides, was this really any of her business? I shrugged and opened my notebook. "It was nothing really. I can't really say."

"You love torturing me. Whatever. So, I'm thinking of cutting my hair. What would you think if I cut it like-…"

I smiled as Paige went into detail about her fantasy haircut. That's one thing I like about this girl. She's simple. She doesn't have a million real problems that she has to deal with everyday. Things with her are easy. You gossip, you joke around, you go shopping… You don't have to worry about what Paige is going to do next because she's already broadcast her plans to you. Ellie's so different. Ellie doesn't give anything away. She's private and quiet and a completely enigma. And that's scary. Because you never know what she's going to do next.

Ellie

I stopped running away from the school and doubled over, gasping for breath. I hadn't even realized how hard I was sprinting to get away from there. I turned around to stare back at where I had come from. I couldn't see the school. I couldn't see Ms. Sauve chasing after me, begging me to talk to her. I couldn't see my friends giving me disapproving looks.

I placed a hand to my ribcage as I continued to walk. I was comforted by the feel of my ribs rippling against my palm with every step I took. When you're not sleeping and not eating, things can go downhill pretty fast. When was the last time I had even talked to Dr. Brahm? I couldn't even remember. It couldn't have been that long ago, could it?

And why the hell am I still having trouble breathing?

Hot, angry tears started to gather and slide down my cheeks. Stop crying. I wiped at my face and willed myself to stop being so weak. I can do this. I can. I'll show everybody. I'm not a bad person. I'm really not. I can go to my house right now and take care of Brayden if I wanted. I don't have to rely on Sean or my parents to take care of him. I can do it. And anyone who thinks different can just rot in hell.

I let out a shaky sigh and looked around me as I walked. I took in the buildings and shops of downtown. There was Mrs. Del Rossi's store. And there was Mrs. Nelson's beauty salon. How did she do it? How did Emma's mom take care of Emma at such a young age? Didn't she feel like her life was over the moment she gave birth and became a mother? Probably not. After all, she's not as selfish as I am.

I stopped walking and watched as Emma's mom stepped outside of her salon as a woman came up holding a baby. Mrs. Nelson laughed and cooed as she took the baby from the woman and held him close. Oh, right. It was Jack. That woman must be his babysitter. I was so good when I babysat Jack that one time. I was the one who knew how to take care of him and make him stop crying and make him laugh. What happened to that Ellie?

The sight of Emma's mom holding Jack got to be a little too much for me. I turned away and kept on walking. Soon I was walking alongside the community park. I told myself to not look. Why torture myself, right? Still, I couldn't help but gaze at the young children and mother's playing in the park. That's what I wanted.

I wanted to be the savvy woman who had a great career and was a total powerhouse in her field, but still made time to take her children to the park and to catch them when they came down the slide. I always imagined myself dressed in a flattering suit- fresh from teaching a literature course or a day of filming my latest documentary or, hell, even starring in an on-stage production of As You Like It- as I led my children over to the swings and taught them how to pump their legs. I guess I just never imagined it happening at sixteen.

In my fantasies I could totally balance my career and family. I could accept Oscars for Best Director and still be home in time to tuck my kids into bed. I could teach a classroom of eager students about Faulkner or Hugo and introduce the creative world of Dr. Suess to my child at home. I'd encourage my children as they grew up that they could be whatever they wanted to be, as long as they stayed true to themselves. I wouldn't plan their future as a doctor or lawyer for them. I'd introduce them to the Cure and Garbage and the Smashing Pumpkins and Tchaikovsky and RENT. I'd videotape every seemingly insignificant moment in their lives. I'd bake them cookies for when they came home from school. I'd take them on set with me as I filmed the latest Indie film.

My children's lives would have been great.

"Do you like bugs?"

I glanced down and stared at the little boy in front of me. He looked to be around five or six. He was covered in sand and dirt and held a fistful of worms. I scrunched my nose and shook my head. "Not particularly."

He didn't understand. Instead he threw the worms at me and squealed as he started to totter away. I brushed the dirt and worms off of my coat and made a face. Disgusting.

"Dig!"

The little boy was back and he held out a little pail and shovel. I raised an eyebrow and crouched down to his level. "What's the magic word?"

"Uhhh… Please?" He laughed again. His almond-shaped eyes sparkled and he dropped to his knees in the grass.

I knelt down, too, and started to shovel a little of the dirt into the small bucket to humor him. "Where's your mommy?"

He put some grass in his mouth. So much for intelligent conversation. "Ants!"

"Ants?" I looked to where he pointed and saw the small ant hill. "Yeah, those are ants."

"Squash them!" he ordered me.

I shook my head solemnly. "Oh, no. Don't squash them. That's their home."

"Really?" He peered closer to the small mound of dirt.

"Yeah, the go in through that small hole in the top. If you squash their home, they won't have anywhere to live. That'd be sad."

"Yes," he agreed. He too looked a little solemn at the thought.

A corner of my mouth lifted up in an involuntary smile. The first smile in a long time that I hadn't had to fake.

"Anthony! Anthony!" A woman rushed over to where we were sitting and scooped the small boy up, nuzzling her nose into his black hair. "Don't you ever run off like that again!"

"Okay."

I stood up and wiped the dirt off of my legs. My work here was done.

"Thank you for watching him."

I smiled at the woman and shrugged. "No problem."

"It seems like just yesterday he couldn't even crawl and now he's walking everywhere and always running away from me. And scaring me. You hear that, Anthony? You scared me."

"Okay."

She shook her head in frustration and adjusted him to rest on the hip of her grey trousers. He entertained himself my playing with the buttons of her grey suit jacket. "Thanks again."

"It was fine," I assured her.

As I started to make my way home again, I kept thinking back to the situation. Why had I felt such great joy when I was explaining to Anthony why he shouldn't squash the ant hill? Maybe my answer wasn't the most scientific or creative, but it had worked. And with Brayden I feel like I don't have any of the answers. I feel like I'm constantly struggling to understand what I'm supposed to do with him.

And for that reason I'm not able to have the fantasy life I've always wanted to have. I'll never even be close.

Unless I do something about it.

Elisabeth Nash

I held up a swatch of carpet and compared it to another one. I glanced over at the baby carrier holding baby Brayden. "What do you think, Bray? This shade of taupe or this shade of taupe?"

He stared back at me, pursing his tiny little lips.

I laughed and set down the swatches. "Yeah, I know. Too close, huh?" I sighed and rested my head against my hand, holding the swatches against the different fabrics and paint samples.

The front door opened and closed, startling me out of my seat.

"Mom?"

I rushed from the kitchen into the foyer and met Ellie. "Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?"
My daughter just stood there, slowly shifting from one foot to the other. I watched as she trembled slightly, her hands wringing.

"Eleanor?" I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. "What's wrong?"

And with that she burst into tears. "I don't know."

"You don't know what's wrong? Do you not feel well? Did something happen? Did Sean do something?"
"No!" she cried, tears spilling down her face. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared."

I think that was the first time I ever heard her say those words. I'm scared. Wow. I let go of her and grabbed a hold of one of her shaking hands. "How about we go sit down and talk about this?"

"Where's Brayden?"

"He's in the kitchen. You want to hold him?" I looked at her hopefully.

"Yes… No… I don't know!" A new wave of tears started as she buried her face in her hands.

"Go sit in the living room, darling, and I'll be right there. I'm just going to put Brayden down in his crib for a nap."

I led her to the entrance to the living room and watched as she collapsed onto the sofa. She didn't look good at all. My heels clicked as I made my way back into the kitchen and untangled my grandson from his carrier. "I'm going to put you down for a nap, okay, sweetie?"

"I'll be right back!" I called out to Ellie as I passed the living room on my way to the staircase.

She didn't respond. I quickly rushed to the little makeshift nursery and placed Brayden into his crib and turned his little noise mobile on. After making sure he was safe and sound in his bed, I dimmed the lights and started back down the stairs.

"Okay. Brayden's asleep in his crib. Now, what's going on?" I took a seat next to Ellie and leaned my elbow against the top of the sofa.

Ellie slowly chewed on her bottom lip and lifted her shoulders. "Why can't I be happy?"

"You're not happy?" I repeated.

"No. I want to be. And I know that Brayden could make me happy. He should. But I just feel… like I'm being crushed or something." Her voice was dull and hoarse.

"How long have you felt this way?" How long can you blame me for not catching on?

"I don't know. It just sort of creeps up on you."

"You're not happy?"

"Do I look happy? I hate where I am right now. Why can't anyone just notice and help me?"

Here it comes. The blame.

"It's not as easy as I thought it'd be…" she whispered.

"Is it Brayden, Ellie? Or… is it Sean?" I dug.

"Leave Sean alone. He's been wonderful. I'm the one who's been horrible. I can't even hold my own son!"

"You have a little case of the baby blues, Ellie. It happens to everyone."

"Mom, this is not just some little case of the baby blues! I feel so worthless I don't even want to live anymore!"

I gasped and brought a hand to my face. "You don't mean that, Eleanor."

"I can't feel that way anymore. I want to hold Brayden. I want to read him bedtime stories and buy him toys and take him out for ice-cream. I don't want him to grow up without a mother, but sometimes I feel he'd be better off without me."

I threw my arms around my daughter. "No. Don't you ever say that. Brayden is going to grow up with the best mother ever, okay? You're going to read him bed-time stories and buy him all the toys he'll ever want. You hear me? I won't let it be any other way."

I rubbed her back lightly as it heaved with sobs. She really was in a bad place. I don't know how I didn't manage to notice how bad it was getting before.

She pulled away and looked up at me with shiny eyes. "You have to help me, Mommy," she pleaded.

A swallowed a lump in my throat and shook my head solemnly. "I will."

Sean

I jumped up from the kitchen table when I heard the door slam shut. "Where've you been?" I demanded.

"Out."

"I picked up Brayden and your mom said you were there earlier. That was four hours ago." I gestured towards the clock to prove my point.

"I needed some alone time."

"For what?"

"To think."

"Are you okay?"

I watched her face as she stared back at me. Her eyes were unblinking for what felt like an eternity. Why wouldn't she just say something?

"Um, should I leave?" Jay spoke up from the couch. Even Jay- the most obnoxious person in the world- could see that this moment was killing me.

I was about to say no- because, well, safety in numbers, right?- but Ellie beat me.

"Yes," she answered quietly.

"I'll be at Alex's," Jay grabbed his coat and left. I watched as the door shut behind him and begged him to come back.

"Why do I feel like you're about to break up with me?" I asked Ellie softly, sticking my hands in my pockets.

She stared at the floor. "No. I'm not breaking up with you. I need you right now, especially." Her eyes met mine again.

I grabbed a hold of her hand and squeezed if affectionately. "I'm here for you. I'm definitely here for you."

The corner of her mouth lifted up in a small smile as she looked at our hands. "I'm sorry," she let out slowly, her lips trembling.

"For wh-…"

"Please, don't interrupt. I'm going to try and say this in one big sentence because otherwise I don't think I'll be strong enough to actually ask for help. You know I hate asking for help. But I need you to help me because I think there's something wrong with me. It's not normal for me to not want to be around Brayden. You know how excited I was about him. How I've planned out everything. And then I have him and I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. I love him, but I despise him for taking away my freedom. I'm so confused. I'm so worthless. Oh God, I love him. But I can't show it. And I don't know what to do… I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying."

Her voice broke and she tried to cover her tear-streaked face from me. I pulled her hands away. "Shh. No. Let me see."

"I'm so embarrassed. Why can't I be happy?"

I took her face in both of my hands and stared deeply into her eyes. "Because sometimes this happens. Sometimes we get confused and lost. Even someone like you can get lost."

"I don't want to be lost. I want to be there for him. I want to be there for you."

"I know you do. I can see it. And I can see how much pain you're in."

"I'm so conflicted," she whispered gravely.

"It's okay," I smiled. "I don't expect you to have all the answers anymore."

"But I want to have all the answers."

"And sometimes… you can't."

We were quiet for a few minutes. I thought back over her attitude the past few weeks and what Ms. Suave told me and what Tracker told me about Mom. "I really think you need to talk to someone- Dr. Brahm or Ms. Sauve. Okay?"

"Did you tell Ms. Sauve I was acting weird today?"

"No… But I know who did. A friend of yours who really cares about you."

Ellie dropped her eyes and stared at the ground. "I've messed up with a lot of people…"

"It's okay. There's something going on, and we're going to fix it, okay? I promise. I'm not going to let you go on being unhappy."

"I'm ready to go back to normal."

I pulled her towards me and kissed the top of her head. "And you will. I'm going to take care of you this time."

We stayed like that for a long time- just standing in the middle of the room, holding on to one another. Every once in awhile, Ellie would let out another sob, and I'm urge her to let it all out. I didn't tell her about my mom just yet. I wanted to hear what Ms. Sauve or Dr. Brahm or some professional had to say first. After all, what's the point of scaring Ellie if it's not true, right? Deep down, though, I know it's true. I know Tracker's right.

But even though the possibility of what could be wrong with her is scary, I'm relieved that I can finally talk to her about it. I'm relieved that she's actually admitted that she feels something is wrong with her and she wants help. I don't think Ellie's ever really asked me for help before. It kind of feels good. For the first time ever, I feel really needed in this relationship.

Wow. So finally a new chapter. As you can tell by THIS chapter, I've had some serious writer's block. Well, I know what I want to happen, but I just had trouble writing it out. Plus I moved back home for awhile and the computer here is CRAZY! But hopefully my next chapter won't take me so long.

Next chapter: Ellie will talk to Dr. Brahm/ Ms. Sauve (which one! any suggestions?); Ellie will apologize to Ashley for blowing up at her; and... who knows what else. Any ideas? I'm pretty open.

So, if you don't totally hate me by now, please comment/suggest anything becuase I'm not really comfortable with this chapter.

anonymous reviewer- sorry- I had this whole author's note typed out for that one chapter of desperado (I think?) where you felt my portrayal of Ashley was off-kilter. I guess it didn't make it in to the finished chapter. But I'm not trying to make Ashley evil or anything. Just things are going to be weird from time to time but her and Ellie will always be close friends. She's usually conflicted between her friendshipwith Paige and her friendship with Ellie in my stories. But keep me updated on my progress with the character.

oh, and the song is by Our Lady Peace.